Frequent Texts from relative

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that receiving a constant stream of texts is very annoying.
As other posters have suggested, turn off notifications and/or only reply if and when you wish to reply.

BUT ... please do not underestimate loneliness in middle aged and elderly people. Loneliness can be destructive. It eats at one's self-esteem and it can lead to depression.
Getting out there and making friends is easier said than done. Easy when you're a kid, not so easy when you're past 50.
I'm in my 50s and it feels like everyone already has their friendship circles set up. Not having kids can be a barrier too.

Would you rather have people feel sorry for you and give you pity "likes" and smiles or make real connections? If this relative is so lonely and cannot make and keep friendships there is a bigger issue and therapy is needed. I am anxious person. No way would I expect my friends to deal with my every anxiety and coddle me because I care about them. I get help, I implement my strategies and I don't impose my issues on others. If you are lonely and feel lost, then get help and learn strategies so you can forge meaningful true connection.

You are victim blaming. At least the lonely person is proactive and making an effort to connect with people.

I'm a woman in my early 50s. I am confident and well spoken, I take good care of my appearance and I am not afraid to approach other people or to speak in public. I have an interesting job that takes me overseas regularly. I speak a couple of European languages. I receive consistent positive feedback from clients and I have an excellent long term working relationship with my co-workers and managers.

However... I feel lonely a lot! I have a wonderful, supportive husband but hardly any friends. I have friendly acquaintances but no close friends. I live in a semi-rural small town and I have to move heaven and earth to even get someone to have a cup of coffee and a chat with me. My texts to local women remain unanswered a lot of the time, especially when I try and set a date for a meetup. It's not my imagination, it's true.

So, you think I should get help? I don't think so. I've done my best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that receiving a constant stream of texts is very annoying.
As other posters have suggested, turn off notifications and/or only reply if and when you wish to reply.

BUT ... please do not underestimate loneliness in middle aged and elderly people. Loneliness can be destructive. It eats at one's self-esteem and it can lead to depression.
Getting out there and making friends is easier said than done. Easy when you're a kid, not so easy when you're past 50.
I'm in my 50s and it feels like everyone already has their friendship circles set up. Not having kids can be a barrier too.

Would you rather have people feel sorry for you and give you pity "likes" and smiles or make real connections? If this relative is so lonely and cannot make and keep friendships there is a bigger issue and therapy is needed. I am anxious person. No way would I expect my friends to deal with my every anxiety and coddle me because I care about them. I get help, I implement my strategies and I don't impose my issues on others. If you are lonely and feel lost, then get help and learn strategies so you can forge meaningful true connection.

You are victim blaming. At least the lonely person is proactive and making an effort to connect with people.

I'm a woman in my early 50s. I am confident and well spoken, I take good care of my appearance and I am not afraid to approach other people or to speak in public. I have an interesting job that takes me overseas regularly. I speak a couple of European languages. I receive consistent positive feedback from clients and I have an excellent long term working relationship with my co-workers and managers.

However... I feel lonely a lot! I have a wonderful, supportive husband but hardly any friends. I have friendly acquaintances but no close friends. I live in a semi-rural small town and I have to move heaven and earth to even get someone to have a cup of coffee and a chat with me. My texts to local women remain unanswered a lot of the time, especially when I try and set a date for a meetup. It's not my imagination, it's true.

So, you think I should get help? I don't think so. I've done my best.

If you are choosing inappropriate people to meet your needs and you expect them to pity you and give in, then yes you need help. That is not victim blaming. That is identifying something is wrong and the person needs help. People have a right to be annoyed by texts. Boundaries are important and this person needs to learn them.

As for you, if you feel lonely so much, yes, get help to figure out how to get your needs met in a healthy way. Nobody can force you to get help, but do I think you are better off just complaining about being lonely? no.

[Anonymous]

They are probably lonely. An older relative did this to me but with phone calls. I didn’t have time to tak for two hours in a weekday, especially listening to a litany of complaints.

I set boundaries around it. I don’t take calls during the workday. I tak to them at night at a time that works for you my schedule. I spaced out the calls so it wasn’t as frequent.

You can let them know this in a nice way. “I love hearing from you. Due to my crazy work load, I feel bad I can’t get back to you during the work day. When I’m not driving the kids somewhere at night or cooking fir them, I have time and will be most likely to text then. Thanks so much for keeping in touch!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My aunt who has early dementia does this. She also has depression and anxiety. She’s asked me to call every day, her own kids don’t call her.

Did you know that for a fact? My elderly relative keeps saying I am the only one to stay in touch but I know that isn’t true…

[Anonymous]

There are truly so many bitter, unhappy people on DCUM. It isn’t that hard to be nice. Send a text a day like a decent human, and get therapy if that makes you frustrated and resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My aunt who has early dementia does this. She also has depression and anxiety. She’s asked me to call every day, her own kids don’t call her.

Did you know that for a fact? My elderly relative keeps saying I am the only one to stay in touch but I know that isn’t true…

My aunt with dementia did this. She could still be manipulative early on. She had about 6 people calling her and each thought she was the only one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are truly so many bitter, unhappy people on DCUM. It isn’t that hard to be nice. Send a text a day like a decent human, and get therapy if that makes you frustrated and resentful.

Guilt tripping, manipulative and unhappy auntie has entered the chat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are probably lonely. An older relative did this to me but with phone calls. I didn’t have time to tak for two hours in a weekday, especially listening to a litany of complaints.

I set boundaries around it. I don’t take calls during the workday. I tak to them at night at a time that works for you my schedule. I spaced out the calls so it wasn’t as frequent.

You can let them know this in a nice way. “I love hearing from you. Due to my crazy work load, I feel bad I can’t get back to you during the work day. When I’m not driving the kids somewhere at night or cooking fir them, I have time and will be most likely to text then. Thanks so much for keeping in touch!”

I am all for spacing out things and figuring out what works for you. Unless you truly love hearing from the person, I don't think you are doing anyone a service lying. If you don't enjoy keeping in touch and are just being charitable, don't thank the person. it's insincere. Stick to genuine compliments. If the person mentions doing volunteer work to life her spirits and meet people commend her0that is worthy of praise. If the person is going to community center activities compliment that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that receiving a constant stream of texts is very annoying.
As other posters have suggested, turn off notifications and/or only reply if and when you wish to reply.

BUT ... please do not underestimate loneliness in middle aged and elderly people. Loneliness can be destructive. It eats at one's self-esteem and it can lead to depression.
Getting out there and making friends is easier said than done. Easy when you're a kid, not so easy when you're past 50.
I'm in my 50s and it feels like everyone already has their friendship circles set up. Not having kids can be a barrier too.

Would you rather have people feel sorry for you and give you pity "likes" and smiles or make real connections? If this relative is so lonely and cannot make and keep friendships there is a bigger issue and therapy is needed. I am anxious person. No way would I expect my friends to deal with my every anxiety and coddle me because I care about them. I get help, I implement my strategies and I don't impose my issues on others. If you are lonely and feel lost, then get help and learn strategies so you can forge meaningful true connection.

You are victim blaming. At least the lonely person is proactive and making an effort to connect with people.

I'm a woman in my early 50s. I am confident and well spoken, I take good care of my appearance and I am not afraid to approach other people or to speak in public. I have an interesting job that takes me overseas regularly. I speak a couple of European languages. I receive consistent positive feedback from clients and I have an excellent long term working relationship with my co-workers and managers.

However... I feel lonely a lot! I have a wonderful, supportive husband but hardly any friends. I have friendly acquaintances but no close friends. I live in a semi-rural small town and I have to move heaven and earth to even get someone to have a cup of coffee and a chat with me. My texts to local women remain unanswered a lot of the time, especially when I try and set a date for a meetup. It's not my imagination, it's true.

So, you think I should get help? I don't think so. I've done my best.

If you are choosing inappropriate people to meet your needs and you expect them to pity you and give in, then yes you need help. That is not victim blaming. That is identifying something is wrong and the person needs help. People have a right to be annoyed by texts. Boundaries are important and this person needs to learn them.

As for you, if you feel lonely so much, yes, get help to figure out how to get your needs met in a healthy way. Nobody can force you to get help, but do I think you are better off just complaining about being lonely? no.

PP here. I think you misunderstand.

Why should I seek help 'to figure out how to get my needs met in a healthy way? I am proactive, I get in touch with some local ladies and I suggest we get together for coffee and a chat on a 1:1 basis.
I am polite, courteous, positive and upbeat. I tell them I'm looking forward to getting together. What more would you like me to do? Bang on their door? Demand that they get together with me?

My communication skills are not the problem. In my job I have to use my communication skills all the time, with a wide range of people from different countries.
So what is it then? I don't know why some of these women just don't reply to my texts. It feels rude. Not replying to a text doesn't necessarily mean that they've set a boundary. It could mean that they overlooked my text, they're busy or they meant to reply but didn't. It could also mean that they don't want to get together with me ...
I have done nothing wrong.
If anyone has a problem with me they can just tell me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are truly so many bitter, unhappy people on DCUM. It isn’t that hard to be nice. Send a text a day like a decent human, and get therapy if that makes you frustrated and resentful.

Guilt tripping, manipulative and unhappy auntie has entered the chat.

Not at all. Just a person with some older relatives who get lonely and text or call, and who I waste zero mental energy resenting over offenses I’ve made up on my own head.

[Anonymous]

Why don't these older folks send texts to each other and harass each other for company?
I'm seeing so many comments about how these people are lonely, but I don't understand why they are reaching out to people who are too busy to pay attention to their every little sniffle. Why aren't they directed to call/text Aunt Minnie who is also lonely and loves loves loves texts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't these older folks send texts to each other and harass each other for company?
I'm seeing so many comments about how these people are lonely, but I don't understand why they are reaching out to people who are too busy to pay attention to their every little sniffle. Why aren't they directed to call/text Aunt Minnie who is also lonely and loves loves loves texts?

Define 'too busy'. Too busy to send a text that takes 30 seconds to write? Too busy for a weekly or monthly phone call? It doesn't need to take hours.

Some people are eager to spend a sizeable portion of their free time on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram but they never talk with their elderly relatives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't these older folks send texts to each other and harass each other for company?
I'm seeing so many comments about how these people are lonely, but I don't understand why they are reaching out to people who are too busy to pay attention to their every little sniffle. Why aren't they directed to call/text Aunt Minnie who is also lonely and loves loves loves texts?

This is so simple but genius. I wonder because they know how annoying it can be to talk to certain relatives (repeating stories, not letting the other person talk, same stories over and over again, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't these older folks send texts to each other and harass each other for company?
I'm seeing so many comments about how these people are lonely, but I don't understand why they are reaching out to people who are too busy to pay attention to their every little sniffle. Why aren't they directed to call/text Aunt Minnie who is also lonely and loves loves loves texts?

This is so simple but genius. I wonder because they know how annoying it can be to talk to certain relatives (repeating stories, not letting the other person talk, same stories over and over again, etc.).

This and I will tell you why. My mother would much rather harass and guilt trip and manipulate young people who are busy, but have social skills. They take longer before they get fed up and set limits with her. Mostly we all try to be polite and ignore some things. Other people her age who are lonely or younger people who are miserable like she is lash out faster and put her in her place. My mom detests people who are like her. She looks down on anyone with mental illnes though she struggles with anxiety and depression. She abhors anyone who is needy though she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don't these older folks send texts to each other and harass each other for company?
I'm seeing so many comments about how these people are lonely, but I don't understand why they are reaching out to people who are too busy to pay attention to their every little sniffle. Why aren't they directed to call/text Aunt Minnie who is also lonely and loves loves loves texts?

Define 'too busy'. Too busy to send a text that takes 30 seconds to write? Too busy for a weekly or monthly phone call? It doesn't need to take hours.

Some people are eager to spend a sizeable portion of their free time on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram but they never talk with their elderly relatives.

People are usually happy to talk with elderly relatives who are likeable and kind. Usually the lonely ones are needy, difficult, manipulative, guilt tripping and angry. it takes longer to recover from interacting. People go on social media or chat with friends to decompress. Nobody wants to deal with stressful things in their free time. A friend of mine's elderly mom is the sweetest woman and I grew up knowing her. I always have time for her and she is respectful of my time. I would much rather spend an hour helping her then spend 15 minutes on the phone with my mother getting another guilt trip or verbal stabbing. Every time I get a text from my mom I feel physically sick wondering if she is in a "mood."

If people avoid you like the plague you need to figure out why and stop blaming the world. Most people are decent and want to be helpful, but some people sadly take advantage. It's not about a minute to send a text. It's about reinforcing neediness and annoying behavior doing something that should just be enjoyable.