Frequent Texts from relative

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I do, a simple cost/benefit analysis: How much does it matter to them and how much does it cost me?

Factors that go into this equation are how much I care about this person, what their life circumstances may be, what my life circumstances are, etc.

But bottom line, if me taking 45 seconds to send one text a day makes someone I care about happier or less lonely, I'm likely going to chose to send the text.

The cost of sending that text is you reinforce it and open the door to a barrage of texts. The cost is you let the frustration build until you want to explode instead of simply nipping it in the bud so you can still be polite to the person.The cost is that the mad texter does find more effective ways to connect with the world like going out and making real friends. The cost is you are enabling inappropriate behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I do, a simple cost/benefit analysis: How much does it matter to them and how much does it cost me?

Factors that go into this equation are how much I care about this person, what their life circumstances may be, what my life circumstances are, etc.

But bottom line, if me taking 45 seconds to send one text a day makes someone I care about happier or less lonely, I'm likely going to chose to send the text.

The cost of sending that text is you reinforce it and open the door to a barrage of texts. The cost is you let the frustration build until you want to explode instead of simply nipping it in the bud so you can still be polite to the person.The cost is that the mad texter does find more effective ways to connect with the world like going out and making real friends. The cost is you are enabling inappropriate behavior.

Everybody has their own analysis.

But a couple things:
1. You don't have to "let frustration build." You can simply decide that you'll send one text a day and get on with your life.
2. As yo your characterization of the "mad texter", that seems extremely harsh and not at all objective. Norms around texting are still evolving and many people do text frequently throughout the day about mundane things, and it works for them and their relationships.
3. Do you really think that one person telling the texter to stop texting so frequently is really going to prompt that texter to "go out and make real friends"? Let's not pretend you would be doing this person some type of life-changing service.
3. You don't have to view it as a "barrage of texts". It isn't invasive. You can mute the chat and check and respond once a day.

[Anonymous]

Turn off notifications. Every other day or so give her a thumbs up on a couple of the texts.

My parents have a group text with us, my brother and SIL, and adult nieces. I just kind of figure out when it's important to turn on the notifications (like when planning a family gathering). Otherwise, I glance at it every day to make sure nobody is in the hospital, and only respond to the interesting things.

My mom once did say something about how nobody responds to her. My lovely nieces pitched in and now give her likes and mini responses lol.

[Anonymous]

Can’t you just do a thumbs up, heart, or haha emojis if it would make them happy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn off notifications, reply when you want, and dismiss the passive-aggressive comments in person because it's your choice to reply however often you want.

+1 I have most text strings muted and I check them when I feel inclined to do so and respond if I feel inclined to do so. It's freeing. Friends and family know that in the event of a true emergency they need to call me. I refuse to be chained to my devices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn off notifications. Every other day or so give her a thumbs up on a couple of the texts.

My parents have a group text with us, my brother and SIL, and adult nieces. I just kind of figure out when it's important to turn on the notifications (like when planning a family gathering). Otherwise, I glance at it every day to make sure nobody is in the hospital, and only respond to the interesting things.

My mom once did say something about how nobody responds to her. My lovely nieces pitched in and now give her likes and mini responses lol.

Yay for a new generation of young women learning to meet the unreasonable emotional manipulation of older relatives?

[Anonymous]

OP, I get that receiving a constant stream of texts is very annoying.
As other posters have suggested, turn off notifications and/or only reply if and when you wish to reply.

BUT ... please do not underestimate loneliness in middle aged and elderly people. Loneliness can be destructive. It eats at one's self-esteem and it can lead to depression.
Getting out there and making friends is easier said than done. Easy when you're a kid, not so easy when you're past 50.
I'm in my 50s and it feels like everyone already has their friendship circles set up. Not having kids can be a barrier too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Turn off notifications. Every other day or so give her a thumbs up on a couple of the texts.

My parents have a group text with us, my brother and SIL, and adult nieces. I just kind of figure out when it's important to turn on the notifications (like when planning a family gathering). Otherwise, I glance at it every day to make sure nobody is in the hospital, and only respond to the interesting things.

My mom once did say something about how nobody responds to her. My lovely nieces pitched in and now give her likes and mini responses lol.

Yay for a new generation of young women learning to meet the unreasonable emotional manipulation of older relatives?

Can you please identify the “unreasonable emotional manipulation” you are referring to?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s annoying but they are probably lonely. Through them a bone a respond at least once or twice a day

Oh goodness no unless you want to reinforce it. If you don't like, don't respond. If the person asks, you say you have no time. Lonely people need to get out there and make friends.

'Lonely people need to get out there and make friends'. Do you think it is that easy? In an ideal world maybe, but in reality not so. Doesn't it occur to you that some lonely people have already tried to make friends but friendships haven't blossomed.

It's not always the lonely person's fault. I am a pretty confident person who is not afraid to approach other people. I take care of my appearance. I initiate and I reach out to others but in my small rural town I have to move heaven and earth to even get someone to have a cup of coffee with me from time to time.

Is it any wonder then that some people resort to texting their nearest and dearest ...

[Anonymous]

Teach them how to use Instagram; that’s a better vehicle for what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Don’t respond quickly, don’t respond to them all and keep responses brief. Maybe they will get the hint. If not, you will have to say you aren’t big on texting because it takes time and attention away from work/family responsibilities.

I have (very mild) anxiety about this when I text people. I don’t want to text too much or go back and forth too much. I try to take cues from the other side. One word response tells me they don’t want to chat!

[Anonymous]

My aunt who has early dementia does this. She also has depression and anxiety. She’s asked me to call every day, her own kids don’t call her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Turn off notifications. Every other day or so give her a thumbs up on a couple of the texts.

My parents have a group text with us, my brother and SIL, and adult nieces. I just kind of figure out when it's important to turn on the notifications (like when planning a family gathering). Otherwise, I glance at it every day to make sure nobody is in the hospital, and only respond to the interesting things.

My mom once did say something about how nobody responds to her. My lovely nieces pitched in and now give her likes and mini responses lol.

Yay for a new generation of young women learning to meet the unreasonable emotional manipulation of older relatives?

Can you please identify the “unreasonable emotional manipulation” you are referring to?

“Nobody responds to me wah wah wah…”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get that receiving a constant stream of texts is very annoying.
As other posters have suggested, turn off notifications and/or only reply if and when you wish to reply.

BUT ... please do not underestimate loneliness in middle aged and elderly people. Loneliness can be destructive. It eats at one's self-esteem and it can lead to depression.
Getting out there and making friends is easier said than done. Easy when you're a kid, not so easy when you're past 50.
I'm in my 50s and it feels like everyone already has their friendship circles set up. Not having kids can be a barrier too.

Would you rather have people feel sorry for you and give you pity "likes" and smiles or make real connections? If this relative is so lonely and cannot make and keep friendships there is a bigger issue and therapy is needed. I am anxious person. No way would I expect my friends to deal with my every anxiety and coddle me because I care about them. I get help, I implement my strategies and I don't impose my issues on others. If you are lonely and feel lost, then get help and learn strategies so you can forge meaningful true connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Turn off notifications. Every other day or so give her a thumbs up on a couple of the texts.

My parents have a group text with us, my brother and SIL, and adult nieces. I just kind of figure out when it's important to turn on the notifications (like when planning a family gathering). Otherwise, I glance at it every day to make sure nobody is in the hospital, and only respond to the interesting things.

My mom once did say something about how nobody responds to her. My lovely nieces pitched in and now give her likes and mini responses lol.

Yay for a new generation of young women learning to meet the unreasonable emotional manipulation of older relatives?

Can you please identify the “unreasonable emotional manipulation” you are referring to?

“Nobody responds to me wah wah wah…”

So when a person send multiple texts that nobody responds to and they ask why, that is “unreasonable emotional manipulation”?

In other circumstances I’m sure that would be approved of as being direct and clear. Would you rather that person say nothing at all? Not seek clarity and be direct?

Maybe that question was a missed opportunity to ask how the elder relative is feeling and to inquire how they are doing? Maybe ask them why they are texting so frequently? Maybe make a real connection?