Tips for parents with College student returning home to live/work over the summer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP-- I have two siblings and my parents always said the years we were home on college break/summers were rough.

I remember we were basically living on our dorm schedule and not even going out for the evening until late at night, coming home early, burning pizza in the oven at 2am, etc. (thinking we were being as quiet as possible).

AND, we all always had jobs and did well in college.

It's a very weird time and transition and with parents used to empty nest and their lifestyle then being thrust with a bunch of man/woman-children things get hectic.

My mom also said they never worried when we were away at college (what you don't know doesn't keep you up at night), but when we were out late when we in their house they would worry.

You nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids get pampered when they return home for college. Lots of home cooked meals, lots of take outs, socializing etc.

Our house is well run and I am ok with they getting home friends etc to live with us. The rules of our household has not changed when they were kids and has not changed now.

- No shoes indoors
- No smoking, vaping, drugs
- Drive safely. Let us know your whereabouts
- Be a responsible adult
- Make endless cups of tea for me (their mom) when you want to sit and with me.
- Lots of snuggles, hugs, kisses to the family.

Our home is a place of comfort and love for them. We have raised responsible, high achieving kids. They know the culture of the family and they know that they have to make their career. But, they are always welcome home, they don't have to pay a dime, we will support them in whatever they need. Our house is their house. They will move away soon enough but if they want to live with us as a multi-gen home, that is also acceptable to us.

We love having our kids with them. The only good part of the pandemic was having our family together.

+100
Finally, someone normal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, especially if he has a girlfriend or is dating, make sure that you share the house. You are all adults. All adults need some time, when it's assured, that they will have the house to themselves. Occasionally. He should get to have company over, without you their. For example, let him know mid week that Saturday night, you will be gone from 7- 11:30pm. Nothing more gets discussed. Don't speculate. Just be gone some and be reliable about it.

No, I pay the mortgage and for college. I come and go from my own house as I please and do not need to schedule alone time for my kid...weird.

Yea, I agree. What a stupid suggestion. It's your friggin house and you should never be expected to vacate it. Your kid living there for free will just have to deal. In fact, it would never occur to any normal kid that a parent should be expected to.

Generally I just find this to be a super weird thread. I guess most of the posters are Type A parents and this is their first child coming home from college?

In our house, this is how it happened. The school year ended, the kid came home, got a job, starting volunteering, whatever. And we co-existed just like we always did. We didn't have to have a sit down or "family meeting" and set "rules" or "define expectations" like "text when you're gonna be really late" or "don't expect that your gf or bf can sleep over" or "no drugs or alcohol in the house," etc etc etc. We didn't have to because our kids had the common sense, decency, and benefit of good parenting before they ever left for college to know what is expected of them.

The whole thing is a non-event. What is it with you people who insist on taking the hard road to parenting???

EXACTLY. Louder for the very strange parents in the back.
DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our kids get pampered when they return home for college. Lots of home cooked meals, lots of take outs, socializing etc.

Our house is well run and I am ok with they getting home friends etc to live with us. The rules of our household has not changed when they were kids and has not changed now.

- No shoes indoors
- No smoking, vaping, drugs
- Drive safely. Let us know your whereabouts
- Be a responsible adult
- Make endless cups of tea for me (their mom) when you want to sit and with me.
- Lots of snuggles, hugs, kisses to the family.

Our home is a place of comfort and love for them. We have raised responsible, high achieving kids. They know the culture of the family and they know that they have to make their career. But, they are always welcome home, they don't have to pay a dime, we will support them in whatever they need. Our house is their house. They will move away soon enough but if they want to live with us as a multi-gen home, that is also acceptable to us.

We love having our kids with them. The only good part of the pandemic was having our family together.

Love this! This is pretty much describes our family dynamic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, especially if he has a girlfriend or is dating, make sure that you share the house. You are all adults. All adults need some time, when it's assured, that they will have the house to themselves. Occasionally. He should get to have company over, without you their. For example, let him know mid week that Saturday night, you will be gone from 7- 11:30pm. Nothing more gets discussed. Don't speculate. Just be gone some and be reliable about it.

No, I pay the mortgage and for college. I come and go from my own house as I please and do not need to schedule alone time for my kid...weird.

Yea, I agree. What a stupid suggestion. It's your friggin house and you should never be expected to vacate it. Your kid living there for free will just have to deal. In fact, it would never occur to any normal kid that a parent should be expected to.

Generally I just find this to be a super weird thread. I guess most of the posters are Type A parents and this is their first child coming home from college?

In our house, this is how it happened. The school year ended, the kid came home, got a job, starting volunteering, whatever. And we co-existed just like we always did. We didn't have to have a sit down or "family meeting" and set "rules" or "define expectations" like "text when you're gonna be really late" or "don't expect that your gf or bf can sleep over" or "no drugs or alcohol in the house," etc etc etc. We didn't have to because our kids had the common sense, decency, and benefit of good parenting before they ever left for college to know what is expected of them.

The whole thing is a non-event. What is it with you people who insist on taking the hard road to parenting???

EXACTLY. Louder for the very strange parents in the back.
DP

Yeah, I agree that this has been our experience. Our kids knew that they had to do some chores around the household and tidy up after themselves like everyone else, so it was a pretty seamless transition back to our dynamic during high school and the pandemic. Different families work differently though, so I guess some families still need to establish these household norms and remind kids of their expectations for coexistence.

[Anonymous]

No tips. Your kids are the same people who you raised. If your relationship with them was difficult before college, it will remain so when they are in college and beyond.

Kids from loving families and with strong bonds, come back to their home (yes, their parental home is their home for the rest of their lives!) with no problem.

There is nothing that you have written about your kid that was a red flag. They are good students and have a job for the summer. I don't know what is bothering you about them that you had to post?

Are they your step-children by any chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest issue would be food. I have strict meal times if you miss it you go hungry. Breakfast 8 lunch noon dinner 5:30. I don’t make breakfast at 11 I don’t make dinner at 9 pm. Bedtime is as always 8 pm. I’m done at 8. 5 am to 8 pm is my on time on the weekends.

Do your college kids actually come home for the summer? That environment sounds oppressive for anyone, especially young adults. It certainly doesn’t sound like a welcoming home.

+ 1. Sounds like an evil step-mom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, especially if he has a girlfriend or is dating, make sure that you share the house. You are all adults. All adults need some time, when it's assured, that they will have the house to themselves. Occasionally. He should get to have company over, without you their. For example, let him know mid week that Saturday night, you will be gone from 7- 11:30pm. Nothing more gets discussed. Don't speculate. Just be gone some and be reliable about it.

Why? What if I have nowhere to go "between 7 - 11:30PM on Saturday"? Dumb. If DS has a girlfriend, he needs to figure things out on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, especially if he has a girlfriend or is dating, make sure that you share the house. You are all adults. All adults need some time, when it's assured, that they will have the house to themselves. Occasionally. He should get to have company over, without you their. For example, let him know mid week that Saturday night, you will be gone from 7- 11:30pm. Nothing more gets discussed. Don't speculate. Just be gone some and be reliable about it.

No, I pay the mortgage and for college. I come and go from my own house as I please and do not need to schedule alone time for my kid...weird.

Yea, I agree. What a stupid suggestion. It's your friggin house and you should never be expected to vacate it. Your kid living there for free will just have to deal. In fact, it would never occur to any normal kid that a parent should be expected to.

Generally I just find this to be a super weird thread. I guess most of the posters are Type A parents and this is their first child coming home from college?

In our house, this is how it happened. The school year ended, the kid came home, got a job, starting volunteering, whatever. And we co-existed just like we always did. We didn't have to have a sit down or "family meeting" and set "rules" or "define expectations" like "text when you're gonna be really late" or "don't expect that your gf or bf can sleep over" or "no drugs or alcohol in the house," etc etc etc. We didn't have to because our kids had the common sense, decency, and benefit of good parenting before they ever left for college to know what is expected of them.

The whole thing is a non-event. What is it with you people who insist on taking the hard road to parenting???

+1. We are happy to have DS back home from college (our first). He'll be doing a full-time internship online from home and knows the drill about when to wake up and get ready. We never did the "family meeting" and "chore list" nonsense. Kids do whatever chores we ask them to do, whenever. My kids know that "find my" is always turned on when they are out and that it's for their safety. Ours is turned on as well and they know how to use it to determine when we will be back, etc. Basically, they know they are kids and we are the parents as long as they live under our roof.

[Anonymous]

What if I have nowhere to go "between 7 - 11:30PM on Saturday"? Dumb.

Dumb if YOU have no social life. Hope your DC has some social life, an occasional friend over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I usually ask my college student to text if he'll be out all night and to smoke weed outside because I hate the smell. That's about it.

Same. And no sex in the pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually ask my college student to text if he'll be out all night and to smoke weed outside because I hate the smell. That's about it.

Same. And no sex in the pool.

what’s wrong with the pool specifically?

[Anonymous]

OP here - thanks for the sincere suggestions! It was helpful to consider as we re-acclimate our child into our household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest issue would be food. I have strict meal times if you miss it you go hungry. Breakfast 8 lunch noon dinner 5:30. I don’t make breakfast at 11 I don’t make dinner at 9 pm. Bedtime is as always 8 pm. I’m done at 8. 5 am to 8 pm is my on time on the weekends.

Do your college kids actually come home for the summer? That environment sounds oppressive for anyone, especially young adults. It certainly doesn’t sound like a welcoming home.

I’d honestly be surprised if her husband ever comes home.

Everyone needs to be in their room by 8 pm? That’s a rule for prisons, not homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I usually ask my college student to text if he'll be out all night and to smoke weed outside because I hate the smell. That's about it.

Same. And no sex in the pool.

what’s wrong with the pool specifically?

NP. Pool sex and hot tub sex are reserved for me and the wife. Get your own damn house if you want to bang in chlorine.