Tips for parents with College student returning home to live/work over the summer

[Anonymous]

My DS is returning home from freshman year away at college! He had a great year and is a good kid, I love him, but the six days of spring break felt long!
He has a job 35 hours a week. Help me frame a conversation and prepare some structure, rules, expectations that worked for your family. I’d like to respect his growth and independence but has to be balanced with the consideration of living with us (two parents and you get sister).

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

??

You are talking as if you don't know your own kid. Anyways, my 2 cents is that if he is doing well in college and is not directionless, you let him be. What are you scared about?

Wow!! What a cold family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:??

You are talking as if you don't know your own kid. Anyways, my 2 cents is that if he is doing well in college and is not directionless, you let him be. What are you scared about?

Wow!! What a cold family.

It's pretty well known that it's difficult when a kid who has had few rules at college then comes home. My kid's high school even warned us about it.

To the OP, at least ask them to text you if they are staying out late or not coming home so you don't stay awake worrying. And ignore the judgmental poster above. By the end of summer I did a happy dance in the driveway as my beloved kid returned to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:??

You are talking as if you don't know your own kid. Anyways, my 2 cents is that if he is doing well in college and is not directionless, you let him be. What are you scared about?

Wow!! What a cold family.

It's pretty well known that it's difficult when a kid who has had few rules at college then comes home. My kid's high school even warned us about it.

To the OP, at least ask them to text you if they are staying out late or not coming home so you don't stay awake worrying. And ignore the judgmental poster above. By the end of summer I did a happy dance in the driveway as my beloved kid returned to college.

Your high school warned you? That's even weirder than OP's post.

[Anonymous]

DS came home from college last week. We also have a 16 yo dd. On Sunday we had a family meeting at dinner. We talked through:
-expectations for the kitchen, ie wiping down counters after the late night snacks, etc
-cleaning the bathroom they share
-schedule for taking out trash & recycling
-communicating when they’re going out/returning

Everyone had an opportunity to put any questions or concerns to the group. For now we all agreed to have dinner together every Sunday and use that as a time to bring up any issues, share plans for the week, etc. I know it seems really businesslike , but it really helps. It frees us up to enjoy each other more during the week because we’re not grumbling over bad roommate behavior. 😬

[Anonymous]

Family quiet hours are 10-7 during the week and midnight to 10 am weekends. During this time, everyone keeps the noise down on the bedroom level of the house. (We have a furnished insulated basement, and noise down there doesn’t disturb people, so knock yourself out until 5 am). We don’t care if and when you sleep, but you can’t expect people will go out of their way to be quiet after 10am on weekends.

You will let us know if you won’t be home for dinner or won’t be home by midnight and/or overnight. The first is common courtesy, the second is because parents worry. We don’t need to know why.

You will be polite to other members of the family. If someone says Good Morning, respond in words, not grunts. Don’t use all the hot water in the morning. Put your dirty dishes in dishwasher. Basic stuff they are out of practice on.

Guests are welcome. Please text and let us know they are coming home with you. Female guests can hang out in the basement until whenever. But, they can’t spend the night in your room Your sister is in the next bedroom.

You are responsible for cooking dinner once a week (every kid in our house has a night, adults have 2) and helping clean up after dinner if you aren’t the cook. You need to do your own laundry. If you choose not to pick up for the cleaning lady and put out fresh sheets, I’ll tell her to skip your room and you can clean it or not.

Also, if someone asks for help and you are able to help you do. Pick up milk on your way home from work. Carry a laundry basket upstairs after I injured my knee. Bring the trash can in from the curb.

With few exceptions, you don’t have to participate in family plans (exceptions being things like birthday dinners, a sibling’s graduation, etc). But, if you say you will participate, that’s a commitment you needed to keep— especially if we bought tickets, etc.

You are not required to turn on Find My Phone. But, I hope you will. I won’t (and don’t) snoop. But if we are waiting for you for dinner, it’s nice to be able to look and see how far away you are.

My kid doesn’t drink. So we haven’t had to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

I usually ask my college student to text if he'll be out all night and to smoke weed outside because I hate the smell. That's about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS came home from college last week. We also have a 16 yo dd. On Sunday we had a family meeting at dinner. We talked through:
-expectations for the kitchen, ie wiping down counters after the late night snacks, etc
-cleaning the bathroom they share
-schedule for taking out trash & recycling
-communicating when they’re going out/returning

Everyone had an opportunity to put any questions or concerns to the group. For now we all agreed to have dinner together every Sunday and use that as a time to bring up any issues, share plans for the week, etc. I know it seems really businesslike , but it really helps. It frees us up to enjoy each other more during the week because we’re not grumbling over bad roommate behavior. 😬

Wow you guys sound fun! /s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yea, this is a bizarre post.

+1
The kid has a 35 hr./wk. job. I'd be thrilled and let him be with whatever free time he has!

DP. 35 hr/wk is not overwhelming. That's a manageable schedule. And maybe OP is talking about things like making a mess and leaving it for others to clean up, having rowdy friends over late at night and disturbing the family/neighbors, not doing laundry, not helping to take out the trash...It's important to address everyday logistics so there is no ambiguity. I get this.

[Anonymous]

We have the same "rules" for our children returning from college as my DH and I have for each other. Common courtesy - we're all living together, we treat each other with respect.

Tell me when you'll be home so I know if I need to have enough dinner to feed you and so I'm not awake all night scared that you're lying in a ditch somewhere. If my DH is going to be super late because he's stuck at work, he lets me know. Otherwise, I'm scanning police and fire reports thinking he's been in a horrible car crash (and no, I can't call his cell phone because he works in a classified environment and can't take his phone into his building.) Also, my kids prefer eating the dinner hot out of the oven/stove instead of reheating it later - they say it tastes better. So if I know college DS is arriving home at 6:30pm, I'll wait to have dinner ready then instead of 6:00pm. And I'm not going to serve his favorite meal on a night when he's not going to be eating dinner at home.

Don't leave your stuff all over the common areas - I don't want to trip over your shoes that were kicked off in the middle of the hallway.

Clean up your dishes. If you wake up at noon after we've all left the house for the day and made yourself breakfast, I don't want to come home at 5:00pm and find your dirty dishes still sitting on the kitchen table waiting for me to clean them up. Put them in the dishwasher. Oh and if I ran the dishwasher why you were still sleeping, please take the 5 minutes to unload it and then put in your dirty dishes.

My oldest is graduating from college this weekend, so we've had him home three summers. He'll most likely be living with us until January to save money before he moves into his own apartment (he has a job that starts late summer.) His younger brother just finished his freshman year. So far, our oldest hasn't asked about an overnight guest. I'll admit I'm a bit of a prude and I don't want him bringing home a different hookup every night.

So again, just common courtesy rules. Same rules I had when I was single and lived with a roommate (minus eating shared meals together!)

[Anonymous]

My biggest issue would be food. I have strict meal times if you miss it you go hungry. Breakfast 8 lunch noon dinner 5:30. I don’t make breakfast at 11 I don’t make dinner at 9 pm. Bedtime is as always 8 pm. I’m done at 8. 5 am to 8 pm is my on time on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My biggest issue would be food. I have strict meal times if you miss it you go hungry. Breakfast 8 lunch noon dinner 5:30. I don’t make breakfast at 11 I don’t make dinner at 9 pm. Bedtime is as always 8 pm. I’m done at 8. 5 am to 8 pm is my on time on the weekends.

I assume you missed that we are talking about college kids who can make their own meals and do not go to bed at 8 pm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My biggest issue would be food. I have strict meal times if you miss it you go hungry. Breakfast 8 lunch noon dinner 5:30. I don’t make breakfast at 11 I don’t make dinner at 9 pm. Bedtime is as always 8 pm. I’m done at 8. 5 am to 8 pm is my on time on the weekends.

I assume you missed that we are talking about college kids who can make their own meals and do not go to bed at 8 pm.

I don’t care if you’re 2, 22 or 52 I’m done at 8 pm so you need to be in your room. 5 am to 8 pm 7 days a week is all I can physically do. I deserve sleep. A shower and food myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS came home from college last week. We also have a 16 yo dd. On Sunday we had a family meeting at dinner. We talked through:
-expectations for the kitchen, ie wiping down counters after the late night snacks, etc
-cleaning the bathroom they share
-schedule for taking out trash & recycling
-communicating when they’re going out/returning

Everyone had an opportunity to put any questions or concerns to the group. For now we all agreed to have dinner together every Sunday and use that as a time to bring up any issues, share plans for the week, etc. I know it seems really businesslike , but it really helps. It frees us up to enjoy each other more during the week because we’re not grumbling over bad roommate behavior. 😬

Sounds like a good plan. Whatever works for a family!

[Anonymous]

I just deadbolt the basement and throw bags of Doritos down every couple of days...works like a friggin charm. The bonus is they can't wait to get back in the fall.