Soon to be 6 year old still struggling with potty training.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have 3 kids who all potty trained early and never had accidents. However, my 6 year old (middle child) still wears a diaper at night. She used to pee every single night and I never pushed the issue (I wore a diaper until 6 as well). A few months ago she asked me to help her with this issue because she knows that her class mates are not wearing diapers at night. They go to each other’s bedrooms, they start talking about sleep overs, etc. My daughter is embarrassed about her night diapers and we are working on it. I cannot imagine how embarrassed your son is/might be having issues is class.

I feel bad for your son that your pediatrician brushes it off. I am sure your son will get over it soon or later, but it will be humiliating and hurtful for your son to have accidents in K.

You need to take him to doctors/specialts that can help him

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have been waiting for you for years so I could finally be the person who says we were you but came out on the other side.

First, I’m sorry for all the people piling on saying this isn’t normal, as if you don’t know that! Of course you know, and peoples shocked judgement doesn’t help. I was so embarrassed of my son’s issue that no one in our life knew. So who knows how “normal” this situation actually is? My son wouldn’t poop on the toilet - only a pull up- until after 7. It was such a nightmare, and it was NOT for lack of trying. We tried every bribe, every technique, I read books, took him to therapy for over a year. I Made him sit on the toilet 20+ mins multiple times a day. We had many instances of “no more pull ups” and he would just stop pooping. Once he went 10 days. It took over our life and had me really spiraling. He is totaly developmentally normal.

Honestly, there is no magic bullet. You haven’t said what you have tried, so go ahead and try the basics if you haven’t - bribery etc. But after that, my son really turned the corner with the max dose of Miralax over an extended period of time.
We had done Miralax plenty of times before, but he was not constipated so it never seemed like the right thing. But continued Miralax and sitting 20+ mins a few times a day made his poop so loose that once when he was sitting, it basically Just came out and surprised us both. I made zero fuss, just taught him how to wipe, and within a week of that first time he was completely independent.

I am lucky that he didn’t have accidents, he just held it until after school or after a weekend at Grandma’s etc. The accidents make it even tougher and im really sorry you’re dealing with it. My son didn’t have trouble with pee, but he wore pull ups to bed at night forever and they were wet every single morning. After he was poop independent, within a month or so he was dry at night and didn’t need a pull up at night either. Who knows if they’re related, but maybe if you can get poop under control with Miralax, the pee will come too. To me, the poop seems a bigger deal for Starting school. You can get special absorbent underwear for him to wear to K if there’s still a chance he may have a Pee accident.

Basically though, I just wanted to lend support. This is HARD and you have no idea unless you’ve been through it. I truly thought it would never end, but then one day it did. We were actively working on it for 4.5 YEARS! But he did ultimately basically outgrow it and now it’s a memory. He’s 9 now and a totally normal happy kid. Eventually this will be you too.

OP here:
Thank you so much for posting. While I totally understand this is not normal, duh, I also think it happens more than people admit. It’s just something no parent wants to talk about or admit to. I as a parent feel like a total failure. This overshadows all the great things he does and is great at. I try to keep it a total secret from anyone I can. A year ago he would come up to me in front of others and say he needed a diaper. I knew it was because he needed to poo but other parents would look at me in horror like I was some monster or he was very damaged. And immediately start in on all the things I needed to do. It was exhausting. Because I had already tried everything they said. He now knows he should be going in the toilet so he doesn’t advertise when he needs a diaper. So now it’s our deep dark secret I am so very ashamed of.

As for what we have tried.....everything. Bribes of candy, games, toys, special one on one time, movie ps, even trips to zoo or animal park. We have tried refusing diapers for days, stool softeners, even enemas which was beyond horrific. We have tried punishments of loosing toys, games, staying in his room, and even spanking. We have tried EVERYTHING. He says he is scared to poop in the potty. After the enema he did go in the potty because I held him there and he screamed the entire time. I actually think that pushed him further backwards. I have tried reasoning with him and tied taking all emotions out of it and just changing him with zero emotion. Nothing works. He just says he’s scared or doesn’t want to.

He is in underwear at night and during the day. The only time he is in a diaper is when he asks for one to poop. He immediately goes to the restroom, closes the door as he doesn’t like people to watch him go, then he comes back to me or his dad to be changed. Oh yea we have had him clean himself up for a couple weeks and while he did try to clean up he did a horrible job and it didn’t stop him from still asking for a diaper. So for now we are back to taking the emotions out of it and just changing him.

I guess I came here hoping to find more parents who would admit they had been thru this before and maybe something that worked for there child. Unfortunately I just got more of what I’m used to. But I do understand, I would probably react the same way if I hadn’t been thru this myself. He is really excited about kindergarten and he knows this has to stop before he can go, so I’m hoping one day it will just stop. Oh and for those that asked why he didn’t start kindergarten last year. He would have been one of the youngest in his class and he is really small for his age and while academically he was ready he wasn’t socially and physically (potty training). After discussing with a couple teachers they felt it would be better to start at 6 and excel vs start young and struggle. Several of his peers are doing the same and waiting to start this year.

Honestly, OP (this is the PP you quoted who had a son who had this problem) I would stop reading this thread. There is no magic solution and people here are determined to misunderstand and blame. The person who said they can't believe you clean him and it's not like he needs a deep clean, LOL. That person has NO idea how little they know. You would have to be committed to being an absolutely terrible parent to MAKE this happen. I did potty training by the book just like all of my friends who have kids. I didn't "baby him too much" or think it was cute when he wouldn't poop on the toilet. I tried a hard line approach and when that made us all feel like shit and was taking a hit on his self esteem (your enema story broke my heart) I backed off to try to take a radical love approach. NO APPROACH WORKED because it wasn't about me. I literally remember saying to him over and over "I can't do this for you." What the people on this thread don't understand is that you cannot do this for your son. Nothing you did made it happen and there is little you can do to fix it overnight.

I would try to really commit to Miralax longterm and have him sit for 20+ mins multiple times a day. I wish I had a better answer for you, but I want you to know that I thought we would never make it through and we did. I felt like such a failure, and like I was failing my kid, but he's a totally normal happy 9 year old, and the whole ordeal is behind us. You will get through it too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have been waiting for you for years so I could finally be the person who says we were you but came out on the other side.

First, I’m sorry for all the people piling on saying this isn’t normal, as if you don’t know that! Of course you know, and peoples shocked judgement doesn’t help. I was so embarrassed of my son’s issue that no one in our life knew. So who knows how “normal” this situation actually is? My son wouldn’t poop on the toilet - only a pull up- until after 7. It was such a nightmare, and it was NOT for lack of trying. We tried every bribe, every technique, I read books, took him to therapy for over a year. I Made him sit on the toilet 20+ mins multiple times a day. We had many instances of “no more pull ups” and he would just stop pooping. Once he went 10 days. It took over our life and had me really spiraling. He is totaly developmentally normal.

Honestly, there is no magic bullet. You haven’t said what you have tried, so go ahead and try the basics if you haven’t - bribery etc. But after that, my son really turned the corner with the max dose of Miralax over an extended period of time.
We had done Miralax plenty of times before, but he was not constipated so it never seemed like the right thing. But continued Miralax and sitting 20+ mins a few times a day made his poop so loose that once when he was sitting, it basically Just came out and surprised us both. I made zero fuss, just taught him how to wipe, and within a week of that first time he was completely independent.

I am lucky that he didn’t have accidents, he just held it until after school or after a weekend at Grandma’s etc. The accidents make it even tougher and im really sorry you’re dealing with it. My son didn’t have trouble with pee, but he wore pull ups to bed at night forever and they were wet every single morning. After he was poop independent, within a month or so he was dry at night and didn’t need a pull up at night either. Who knows if they’re related, but maybe if you can get poop under control with Miralax, the pee will come too. To me, the poop seems a bigger deal for Starting school. You can get special absorbent underwear for him to wear to K if there’s still a chance he may have a Pee accident.

Basically though, I just wanted to lend support. This is HARD and you have no idea unless you’ve been through it. I truly thought it would never end, but then one day it did. We were actively working on it for 4.5 YEARS! But he did ultimately basically outgrow it and now it’s a memory. He’s 9 now and a totally normal happy kid. Eventually this will be you too.

OP here:
Thank you so much for posting. While I totally understand this is not normal, duh, I also think it happens more than people admit. It’s just something no parent wants to talk about or admit to. I as a parent feel like a total failure. This overshadows all the great things he does and is great at. I try to keep it a total secret from anyone I can. A year ago he would come up to me in front of others and say he needed a diaper. I knew it was because he needed to poo but other parents would look at me in horror like I was some monster or he was very damaged. And immediately start in on all the things I needed to do. It was exhausting. Because I had already tried everything they said. He now knows he should be going in the toilet so he doesn’t advertise when he needs a diaper. So now it’s our deep dark secret I am so very ashamed of.

As for what we have tried.....everything. Bribes of candy, games, toys, special one on one time, movie ps, even trips to zoo or animal park. We have tried refusing diapers for days, stool softeners, even enemas which was beyond horrific. We have tried punishments of loosing toys, games, staying in his room, and even spanking. We have tried EVERYTHING. He says he is scared to poop in the potty. After the enema he did go in the potty because I held him there and he screamed the entire time. I actually think that pushed him further backwards. I have tried reasoning with him and tied taking all emotions out of it and just changing him with zero emotion. Nothing works. He just says he’s scared or doesn’t want to.

He is in underwear at night and during the day. The only time he is in a diaper is when he asks for one to poop. He immediately goes to the restroom, closes the door as he doesn’t like people to watch him go, then he comes back to me or his dad to be changed. Oh yea we have had him clean himself up for a couple weeks and while he did try to clean up he did a horrible job and it didn’t stop him from still asking for a diaper. So for now we are back to taking the emotions out of it and just changing him.

I guess I came here hoping to find more parents who would admit they had been thru this before and maybe something that worked for there child. Unfortunately I just got more of what I’m used to. But I do understand, I would probably react the same way if I hadn’t been thru this myself. He is really excited about kindergarten and he knows this has to stop before he can go, so I’m hoping one day it will just stop. Oh and for those that asked why he didn’t start kindergarten last year. He would have been one of the youngest in his class and he is really small for his age and while academically he was ready he wasn’t socially and physically (potty training). After discussing with a couple teachers they felt it would be better to start at 6 and excel vs start young and struggle. Several of his peers are doing the same and waiting to start this year.

Can you just cut a hole in his pull up so the poop lands in the toilet? Someone on here used that as a transition and seems like it’s worth trying. Start with a small hole he won’t notice and then just make it bigger daily until… poop in toilet!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have been waiting for you for years so I could finally be the person who says we were you but came out on the other side.

First, I’m sorry for all the people piling on saying this isn’t normal, as if you don’t know that! Of course you know, and peoples shocked judgement doesn’t help. I was so embarrassed of my son’s issue that no one in our life knew. So who knows how “normal” this situation actually is? My son wouldn’t poop on the toilet - only a pull up- until after 7. It was such a nightmare, and it was NOT for lack of trying. We tried every bribe, every technique, I read books, took him to therapy for over a year. I Made him sit on the toilet 20+ mins multiple times a day. We had many instances of “no more pull ups” and he would just stop pooping. Once he went 10 days. It took over our life and had me really spiraling. He is totaly developmentally normal.

Honestly, there is no magic bullet. You haven’t said what you have tried, so go ahead and try the basics if you haven’t - bribery etc. But after that, my son really turned the corner with the max dose of Miralax over an extended period of time.
We had done Miralax plenty of times before, but he was not constipated so it never seemed like the right thing. But continued Miralax and sitting 20+ mins a few times a day made his poop so loose that once when he was sitting, it basically Just came out and surprised us both. I made zero fuss, just taught him how to wipe, and within a week of that first time he was completely independent.

I am lucky that he didn’t have accidents, he just held it until after school or after a weekend at Grandma’s etc. The accidents make it even tougher and im really sorry you’re dealing with it. My son didn’t have trouble with pee, but he wore pull ups to bed at night forever and they were wet every single morning. After he was poop independent, within a month or so he was dry at night and didn’t need a pull up at night either. Who knows if they’re related, but maybe if you can get poop under control with Miralax, the pee will come too. To me, the poop seems a bigger deal for Starting school. You can get special absorbent underwear for him to wear to K if there’s still a chance he may have a Pee accident.

Basically though, I just wanted to lend support. This is HARD and you have no idea unless you’ve been through it. I truly thought it would never end, but then one day it did. We were actively working on it for 4.5 YEARS! But he did ultimately basically outgrow it and now it’s a memory. He’s 9 now and a totally normal happy kid. Eventually this will be you too.

OP here:
Thank you so much for posting. While I totally understand this is not normal, duh, I also think it happens more than people admit. It’s just something no parent wants to talk about or admit to. I as a parent feel like a total failure. This overshadows all the great things he does and is great at. I try to keep it a total secret from anyone I can. A year ago he would come up to me in front of others and say he needed a diaper. I knew it was because he needed to poo but other parents would look at me in horror like I was some monster or he was very damaged. And immediately start in on all the things I needed to do. It was exhausting. Because I had already tried everything they said. He now knows he should be going in the toilet so he doesn’t advertise when he needs a diaper. So now it’s our deep dark secret I am so very ashamed of.

As for what we have tried.....everything. Bribes of candy, games, toys, special one on one time, movie ps, even trips to zoo or animal park. We have tried refusing diapers for days, stool softeners, even enemas which was beyond horrific. We have tried punishments of loosing toys, games, staying in his room, and even spanking. We have tried EVERYTHING. He says he is scared to poop in the potty. After the enema he did go in the potty because I held him there and he screamed the entire time. I actually think that pushed him further backwards. I have tried reasoning with him and tied taking all emotions out of it and just changing him with zero emotion. Nothing works. He just says he’s scared or doesn’t want to.

He is in underwear at night and during the day. The only time he is in a diaper is when he asks for one to poop. He immediately goes to the restroom, closes the door as he doesn’t like people to watch him go, then he comes back to me or his dad to be changed. Oh yea we have had him clean himself up for a couple weeks and while he did try to clean up he did a horrible job and it didn’t stop him from still asking for a diaper. So for now we are back to taking the emotions out of it and just changing him.

I guess I came here hoping to find more parents who would admit they had been thru this before and maybe something that worked for there child. Unfortunately I just got more of what I’m used to. But I do understand, I would probably react the same way if I hadn’t been thru this myself. He is really excited about kindergarten and he knows this has to stop before he can go, so I’m hoping one day it will just stop. Oh and for those that asked why he didn’t start kindergarten last year. He would have been one of the youngest in his class and he is really small for his age and while academically he was ready he wasn’t socially and physically (potty training). After discussing with a couple teachers they felt it would be better to start at 6 and excel vs start young and struggle. Several of his peers are doing the same and waiting to start this year.

OP: You wrote that he said he was scared. What specifcaly does he say he's scared of? Flushing the toilet, wiping, etc?

[Anonymous]

OP it sounds like you have tried a lot of things. Have you engaged the services of a professional at any point?

If not, I would stop even trying anything while you find someone who can help.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Big hugs to you OP. My DD was still in a diaper at 5.5, in her case it was due to severe constipation. Unfortunately at one point when she was very young the constipation was so bad that it was extremely painful. DD would actually say that she’s scared of pooping because it hurt so bad. We managed to just barely get rid of diapers before kindergarten, although she still had a ton of accidents at school that year (thankfully we’re in private and the staff there were extremely supportive, DD was allowed to use the nurse’s office if she needed to change etc). We got the constipation improved enough that it was no longer painful, but the main thing that got us over the hump was therapy. If you’re certain there’s no physiological issue like constipation going on, I’d recommend therapy for your son as well.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think people are secretly doing this like you and just not talking about it. I really don’t think there are that many people out there. And I’m actually surprised that your son was asking your for a diaper in public as recently as a year ago? His lack of awareness makes me wonder if there is more going on. Have you seen anyone besides your pediatrician? Like a therapist or OT?

[Anonymous]

OP, please get him professional help today. You said you tried everything. Things aren’t just going to magically click at this point. I’m not sure why after three years of trying you would think they will. If you don’t trust us get another opinion from a different pediatrician or better a pediatric GI doctor.

[Anonymous]

I can't remember the exact details (and maybe didn't know them at the time) but my niece had a similar issue. My sister was fairly overprotective and definitely indulged my niece. She is 11 now and fairly well adjusted (honestly gaining a sister when she was around 6 helped - took some of my sister's attention away and everyone loosened up a little).

I can't remember if she would only poop at her house or wouldn't poop in the potty at all. I think it might have been the former which may have been a little easier to deal with... but it also meant that for the first 6-7 years they didn't travel at all... and it played a huge factor in my sister sending her to a non-traditional school that had a heavy homeschool component. (they are in CA so the model is a bit different than anything we have here... it's a public charter school, in their public school district, but there is a minimal on-site requirement like in K I think it was one morning a week and the rest was homeschooling with a curriculum/objectives that the school provided. In the end it's worked well for their family).

One thing I remember them doing that may work at home and as a transition to more "normal" toilet practices is they somehow put a diaper in the toilet when she needed to go. They may have continued to use one of the small training toilets. So she wasn't wearing the diaper but the pool still went into the diaper, which somehow comforted her.

All this to say, while it's not "normal" per se, you are not the only one to deal with it. It happens, and I bet if you can get your kid really excited about K in general, and he realizes that he needs to be fully toilet trained to start, it'll happen pretty quickly. A therapist may help as well.

[Anonymous]

This sounds so frustrating.I’m so sorry you are going through this.

You are doing what you are supposed to do but you need help. Have you tried one of the potty training experts? Maybe an outside person would have more luck?

I doubt this is a developmental thing. I think your son just hasn’t decided it’s important and perhaps he needs to see what he’s missing out on. He isn’t in preschool? Both of my boys were motivated to potty train when they realized the kids around them were potty trained. One was home during the pandemic and while it seems like a great time to potty train, he had zero motivation and no other kids to compare himself too (comparison isn’t always good but here it might be)

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think people are secretly doing this like you and just not talking about it. I really don’t think there are that many people out there. And I’m actually surprised that your son was asking your for a diaper in public as recently as a year ago? His lack of awareness makes me wonder if there is more going on. Have you seen anyone besides your pediatrician? Like a therapist or OT?

I think there is a lot going on here. The child should have started K last year, but, has never been in any kind of preschool. Mother’s Day Out is just drop in babysitting. The OP says she discussed red shirting with “teachers,” but, he’s doesn’t seem to have had teachers ever. This kind of seems like a kid who has been 99% home with mom for six years and has been babied. That might be his whole issue and sending him to school and making him rely on himself might fix it. But, he could have other issues that were never flagged because he didn’t attend preschool. I think OP needs to take him for an evaluation to be on the safe side, sending a non-potty trained child who has basically never been away from mom and might have some sort of issue into public school could be a disaster. Honestly, he’d also really benefit from some camps or classes or even daycare this summer to prepare him for the school experience.

[Anonymous]

Definitely not normal but can be resolved. I have one NT and one SN. My SN had issues but he was not given a diaper to poop. One thing people don’t understand about kids with SN is even these kids you have to push them. Get rid of the diaper ASAP. Make him clean up. Yes it’s going to be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take off the diaper. Make him clean himself up. Is he Nt?

I’m not sure what NT means?

We have tired everything. Making him clean himself, taking away privileges, offering rewards including toys, candy, special outings he wants to do, you name it, also punishment, we even had his older cousin who he really looks up to try to talk to him. He did go sit on the potty for him but that was it. Nothing came of it.

NT=neurotypical

People are asking if there are special needs involved as that will inform the suggestions offered. Is there a speech delay? Other developmental delays? Physical delays?