Dealing with less intelligent spouse

[Anonymous]

I think the labeling of normal, but non-optimal, human behaviors these days is kind of excessive.....but this does sound like ADHD and nothing to do with intelligence

[Anonymous]

Whatever you do, you should be respectful. There are many different kinds of intelligence, so he may be smart in some ways that you are not, but even if you are smarter in just about every possible respect, you have to try to be respectful. That's the key to marital success.

By the way, he may think you are less intelligent in some ways, too. That kind of dynamic happens all the time because each member of a couple has different strengths and weaknesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I knew before I opened this thread that the "spouse" was a guy because no man complains that his wife isn't too bright. In fact, that's a quality many men look for in a wife.

I once read a post on here where a homebound woman called her working husband "clueless" after he got a covid test in a .5 hour and she couldn't for quite some time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
It could be ADHD, OP. What you describe is inattention and a lack of executive functioning skills (the ability to schedule, plan and get organized). If he spends his time on dubious websites as a distraction, his views may be skewed. People who frequently makes mistakes and do not feel in control of their life because of that often get defensive and angry with the years.

My husband is like this. He has ADHD he refuses to treat, and we suspect he may have some high-functioning form for Asperger's. He has a high IQ, and he doesn't believe in conspiracy theories exactly, but he sometimes over-reacts about things and has mentally rigid thinking that gives him a very black and white view of the world - which leads to irrationality and some extreme views, since the world is not black and white.

I don't know what to suggest, OP. I push back against weird concepts when I have the energy, but sometimes I just roll my eyes and focus on my own life. He is not a reliable partner and it's been hard, these last few years.

Agree it's likely ADHD. My husband had a neuro-psych eval and it clearly stated that he listening issues. However, he is above average in intelligence, which is probably similar to your husband. He's probably growing angry and defensive if you are treating him with resentment. Your post reeks of superiority. I suggest looking at medical treatment, then working on therapy. Find ways to meet in the middle. Don't take for granted his emotional intelligence. Kids need that too.

Doesn't sound like he has that either?

[Anonymous]

OP here again. Kids, Covid and the political landscape of the last few years have all been very difficult and highlighted issues that simply were not issues while dating and/or in early marriage. His mother and sister have always been very involved in his life, which is how I suspect he got by before us meeting (i.e., he purchased a home and lived independently, had a career, etc., but they have always babied and catered to him even though he's the oldest). He is anti-counseling (he's never been, but has convinced himself he's not a person who needs it). With respect to ADHD, I have often thought maybe he has learning difficulties/issues. I am hesitant to suggest he get tested. Wrt to our own kids, he has mentioned how he doesn't believe in all the labels, would never medicate our kids, thinks kids need more discipline/firmer hand, etc. So I don't see him being open to it and I think perhaps it would be another thing he thinks I'm judging him about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Kids, Covid and the political landscape of the last few years have all been very difficult and highlighted issues that simply were not issues while dating and/or in early marriage. His mother and sister have always been very involved in his life, which is how I suspect he got by before us meeting (i.e., he purchased a home and lived independently, had a career, etc., but they have always babied and catered to him even though he's the oldest). He is anti-counseling (he's never been, but has convinced himself he's not a person who needs it). With respect to ADHD, I have often thought maybe he has learning difficulties/issues. I am hesitant to suggest he get tested. Wrt to our own kids, he has mentioned how he doesn't believe in all the labels, would never medicate our kids, thinks kids need more discipline/firmer hand, etc. So I don't see him being open to it and I think perhaps it would be another thing he thinks I'm judging him about.

That's too bad OP. If he won't consider help. All you can manage are the symptoms and decide if you want to deal with this until the kids are older.

[Anonymous]

Do your kids have special needs? Special needs are genetically linked.

[Anonymous]

My husband is ADD and sounds just like what you're describing. It's VERY difficult to deal with and was definitely exacerbated once kids came along because it's just so much more to manage in our household. He does respond very well to direction, though, and will do anything I tell him. So there are times when I basically just give him a list of things I need him to do. He works well when he has a list and is focused. He is medicated and he has found things that work for him like maintaining a notebook where he writes everything down so he doesn't forget.

Our daughter was recently diagnosed with dyslexia and as we've learned more about it, he sees so much of himself. We're pretty sure he has an undiagnosed learning disability.

All that being said, I can definitely list other redeeming qualities my husband has that balance out these other issues. If you can't, then I'd definitely start with individual counseling and then see if you can bring your husband in later on.

[Anonymous]

This was a dynamic I had with my XH. It is not the reason we divorced, but I can tell you how I managed.

Try to remember all the good things about him. All of us have good and bad traits. Not being an organizer or strategist is not a deal breaker. Let him do the tasks he likes. Does he take the kids to his sporting events, clean the yard, fix broken stuff in the house, fold laundry, cook or do dishes. These may be areas where he excels.

Set a weekly family check-in where you go over the events for the week. Write them down in a place he can see. I like to put stuff on my phone calendar. I’d add DH when I did so he’d have a place to see it as well. Other than the weekly checkin, try not to give him stuff to do at other times. I really hate when my husband tries to tell me something when I’m otherwise engaged. He claims I don’t remember what he’s saying, when I’m just not really paying attention to him.

For the political stuff, just don’t talk politics. If he brings it up, just say you have different views, so it’s not a good topic. Or grey stone him - just nod ok and change the subject. You don’t have to have the same views to have a life together.

I would take a step back and reevaluate your lack of respect for him. Individual counseling can help you work through your feelings. He can tell you don’t respect him. No love and bonding can occur when you feel that your partner doesn’t value you. What do you want to happen here? Make your actions reflect that goal.

Radical acceptance. He is who he is. Trying to make him pay bills, plan vacations, or make repair calls are things you know he’s bad at doing. Just do those tasks yourself. Plenty of other household tasks he can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lmao you married a stupid guy and you are just realizing it after 5 years? Are you SURE that he's the one who is stupid?

But it "only" took 5 years!

Half the country got sucked into Trumpism in the last 5 years. OP asked for advice not nasty snark.

Nasty posts get nasty reponses. That's how life works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. Kids, Covid and the political landscape of the last few years have all been very difficult and highlighted issues that simply were not issues while dating and/or in early marriage. His mother and sister have always been very involved in his life, which is how I suspect he got by before us meeting (i.e., he purchased a home and lived independently, had a career, etc., but they have always babied and catered to him even though he's the oldest). He is anti-counseling (he's never been, but has convinced himself he's not a person who needs it). With respect to ADHD, I have often thought maybe he has learning difficulties/issues. I am hesitant to suggest he get tested. Wrt to our own kids, he has mentioned how he doesn't believe in all the labels, would never medicate our kids, thinks kids need more discipline/firmer hand, etc. So I don't see him being open to it and I think perhaps it would be another thing he thinks I'm judging him about.

That's too bad OP. If he won't consider help. All you can manage are the symptoms and decide if you want to deal with this until the kids are older.

12:13 here. You should know there is a genetic component and your kids could inherit it. If that's the case, you should review the research done on ADHD and life outcomes. Your DH seems to exemplify what untreated ADHD looks like in adulthood. Learning disabilities, anxiety and depression are frequently comorbid with ADHD. Your DH has the right to choose how he does/does not handle his ADHD. If your kids have ADHD, you're going to want to advocate for them even in the face of his opposition.

[Anonymous]

Is he gainfully employed, what is his profession and how much he makes ?

[Anonymous]

I feel so sorry for the husband. Just because he doesn't think or believe the way the wife wants he's tagged with being a dumbass.
OP should show him her post and pretend she didn't write it to see his reaction.
My husband does everything this wifey complains about and never once did he ever think I was dumb. Except that time I couldn't remember my SS number.
It's not something I'm required to know in a split second. He now carries my SS card. Fixed that shit right then.
I can do it all. I just don't want to.

[Anonymous]

There is so much resentment and contempt in these posts, it’s unlikely for this marry to survive. We should get to know each other well before jumping into marriages and parenting and have empathy for our partners.

I see more compatibility problems here than I see among arranged marriages.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thank you everyone for the helpful responses. I realize how horrible I sound talking about my husband, but we really are at a breaking point. Our kids show no signs of special needs (both are too young to even know). We have discussed this hypothetically and he is very anti-labels, doesn't believe the vast majority of kids diagnosed have anything wrong with them, thinks kids these days need stricter parents, etc. I plan to start looking into individual therapy. Any recommendations in the DC area would be appreciated! I also hear all you about focusing on the good qualities and making it easier for him to succeed by keeping lists, reminders, constant communication. I think my biggest annoyance is that at times I feel like am dealing with another child (but one who is also always angry with me). Although a lot of his thought processes and personal views make no sense to me, if he didn't need me to cosign/validate them, I think we could be in a much better place. I can listen, I can agree to disagree. But he wants and needs me to agree with him. And this is not just political stuff, but also things having to do with our children that I am just completely against.