Dealing with less intelligent spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thank you everyone for the helpful responses. I realize how horrible I sound talking about my husband, but we really are at a breaking point. Our kids show no signs of special needs (both are too young to even know). We have discussed this hypothetically and he is very anti-labels, doesn't believe the vast majority of kids diagnosed have anything wrong with them, thinks kids these days need stricter parents, etc. I plan to start looking into individual therapy. Any recommendations in the DC area would be appreciated! I also hear all you about focusing on the good qualities and making it easier for him to succeed by keeping lists, reminders, constant communication. I think my biggest annoyance is that at times I feel like am dealing with another child (but one who is also always angry with me). Although a lot of his thought processes and personal views make no sense to me, if he didn't need me to cosign/validate them, I think we could be in a much better place. I can listen, I can agree to disagree. But he wants and needs me to agree with him. And this is not just political stuff, but also things having to do with our children that I am just completely against.

You may consider moving to another state for a while, fresh starts can revive or kill marriages but it’s worth a try. You two have been through a lot in last few years, from trump wave, pandemic, pregnancies, infant/toddler care etc. Give it a try to smartly improve dynamics before calling it quits.

[Anonymous]

For what it's worth, I feel like DH could be writing this post about me, and I've got a law degree from a T20 school where I was on law review and recruited to big law. Still, DH makes me feel small and is quick to point out any flaws in my reasoning, or grammatical mistake, or mispronounced word, or whatever, in ways that feel condescending. He's bothered that I am more politically conservative than he is and can't fathom that an educated person can be pro-life, but I am still influenced by a religion that he doesn't believe in. I could honestly see him writing a post very similar to what you've written. TG I've got a good job where I feel valued and respected because I don't get that at home.

[Anonymous]

He’s tuning you out. Tired of you pissbagging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For what it's worth, I feel like DH could be writing this post about me, and I've got a law degree from a T20 school where I was on law review and recruited to big law. Still, DH makes me feel small and is quick to point out any flaws in my reasoning, or grammatical mistake, or mispronounced word, or whatever, in ways that feel condescending. He's bothered that I am more politically conservative than he is and can't fathom that an educated person can be pro-life, but I am still influenced by a religion that he doesn't believe in. I could honestly see him writing a post very similar to what you've written. TG I've got a good job where I feel valued and respected because I don't get that at home.

Well, don't believe in fairy tales if you want people to respect your intellect. 🤷‍♀️

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Thank you everyone for the helpful responses. I realize how horrible I sound talking about my husband, but we really are at a breaking point. Our kids show no signs of special needs (both are too young to even know). We have discussed this hypothetically and he is very anti-labels, doesn't believe the vast majority of kids diagnosed have anything wrong with them, thinks kids these days need stricter parents, etc. I plan to start looking into individual therapy. Any recommendations in the DC area would be appreciated! I also hear all you about focusing on the good qualities and making it easier for him to succeed by keeping lists, reminders, constant communication. I think my biggest annoyance is that at times I feel like am dealing with another child (but one who is also always angry with me). Although a lot of his thought processes and personal views make no sense to me, if he didn't need me to cosign/validate them, I think we could be in a much better place. I can listen, I can agree to disagree. But he wants and needs me to agree with him. And this is not just political stuff, but also things having to do with our children that I am just completely against.

You may consider moving to another state for a while, fresh starts can revive or kill marriages but it’s worth a try. You two have been through a lot in last few years, from trump wave, pandemic, pregnancies, infant/toddler care etc. Give it a try to smartly improve dynamics before calling it quits.

Lol wut? With her kids?

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like he is stupid to me, it sounds like he's not interested in what you're saying - which is something else entirely.

[Anonymous]

Help DCUM, my wife thinks I am dumb but cannot break a paragraph to save her life. How do I raise the issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Help DCUM, my wife thinks I am dumb but cannot break a paragraph to save her life. How do I raise the issue?

This isn't grammar discussion, it is relationship discussion. Is there a marriagely app synonymous to the grammarly app? Didn't think so.

[Anonymous]

increasingly alt-right views

Hee-Haw! He loves 'Murica! MAGA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. He’s not a stupid as you think he is. He’s found a way for someone else to manage his life. That is how he survived as long as he did - he can do things/understand. But why when you’ll just swoop in and do for him.

This is only going to get worse for you.

This. My female boss is like this . She has a PhD so isn’t “stupid” although she is not brilliant. But she can’t handle any details and just doesn’t listen to anything she doesn’t want to hear. She is just mean and incompetent. And tehre are no strategies to deal with that — she is in the process of getting fired.

If someone can’t listen and doesn’t want therapy, insults their spouse and makes their spouse do all the work, where is the ‘dependable and kind” or “family oriented” in that?

Sorry OP, this is rotten, but this isn’t something that can be addressed with “strategies”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lmao you married a stupid guy and you are just realizing it after 5 years? Are you SURE that he's the one who is stupid?

But it "only" took 5 years!

Half the country got sucked into Trumpism in the last 5 years. OP asked for advice not nasty snark.

Fortunately, a lot more than half will be sucked in for 2022 and 2024.

[Anonymous]

To all the posters who think she should have known earlier, perhaps she is like me and had such low self esteem that I thought we were pretty close for a long time. I haven’t read this whole thread but he for sure sounds like he has ADHD and potentially depression. I think everyone has depression these days, TBH….

[Anonymous]

Hey, I struggle with some of the things you do too with my DH.
I don't have a ton of advice because I haven't cracked the nut myself.

But a couple of things:

On politics, you guys might find common ground reading and discussing some of the moderate and anti-woke left blogs and podcasts out there. I don't love them all by there are sooooo many. Examples: Common Sense with Bari Weiss, Matt Taibbi. Worth a try. Maybe even listen to a Joe Rogan podcast together (probably not one of the controversial ones haha, but one with Elon Musk or Bernie),. Or look for some "intelligence squared" debate recordings and listen to those and discuss?

On things like not wanting to label psychiatric diagnoses, or finding a counselor. Even at my most negative about my husband, I believe that he is persuaded by reality when it touches him. For example, he might be wary of overdiagnosis in mental health and labels, and I think it's a very legitimate concern. But if gd forbid his own child has issues, and regular measures don't help, he'd surely be open minded enough to seek out help, especially if it was unmedicated help!

On a counselor: If you can find a male counselor and/or one who can respectfully work with right wing people (might be a challenge to find such a one though) you might have more traction. If you all are affiliated with the military you might try some of their resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:lmao you married a stupid guy and you are just realizing it after 5 years? Are you SURE that he's the one who is stupid?

But it "only" took 5 years!

Half the country got sucked into Trumpism in the last 5 years. OP asked for advice not nasty snark.

Fortunately, a lot more than half will be sucked in for 2022 and 2024.

Awww, you're cute. Dumber than OP's husband, but cute.

[Anonymous]

Tl;dr

My tip is use paragraphs