Boyfriend wants to get a motorcycle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't own him. You are not married to him. You are not his mother. He is an individual and he gets to do what he wants (take risks) with his own body. Men don't get to tell women how to dress or cut their hair and you don't get to tell someone else how to live either.

So he better be OK with her walking away when he can't feed himself.

That is fine. If him driving a motorcycle is a hard boundary for her then she is morally bound to tell him "if you get hurt I will leave you" or "I will not date someone that drives a motorcycle" They both have a choice to make and they need to be very clear with each other.
Neither person is "wrong" here. He has his needs/wants and she has her needs/wants if they don't line up then they need to break up.

She is nit morally bound to tell a BOYFRIEND that they are not life long partners. It’s part of the deal, she can break up any time for any reason.FFS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't own him. You are not married to him. You are not his mother. He is an individual and he gets to do what he wants (take risks) with his own body. Men don't get to tell women how to dress or cut their hair and you don't get to tell someone else how to live either.

So he better be OK with her walking away when he can't feed himself.

That is fine. If him driving a motorcycle is a hard boundary for her then she is morally bound to tell him "if you get hurt I will leave you" or "I will not date someone that drives a motorcycle" They both have a choice to make and they need to be very clear with each other.
Neither person is "wrong" here. He has his needs/wants and she has her needs/wants if they don't line up then they need to break up.

She is nit morally bound to tell a BOYFRIEND that they are not life long partners. It’s part of the deal, she can break up any time for any reason.FFS

Actually, there is a moral imperative for BOTH people who chose to enter into an agreement (relationship) to clearly communicate their conditions upon which they are entering into the relationship. To hide by omission a condition upon which one person will terminate the agreement (relationship) is fundamentally dishonest.

Not telling him her conditions has at least two bad consequences:
1. It will blindside him if he does get hurt when she leaves.
2. If she doesn't tell him, then it will engender resentment in her because she will (in the back of her mind) think to herself "he doesn't care about my needs/feelings because he bought that motorcycle". But she never CLEARLY communicated to him the situation that she will leave IF he gets hurt.

Someone that doesn't communicate the conditions of the relationship is wanting to eat their cake and keep it too. Essentially get the benefit of the relationship (which might end) if they were honest and then not deal with the consequences (walk away) if something bad happens. It is simply not a moral position.

[Anonymous]

He is an adult man. He is free to make his own choices.

You cannot make them for him, and if you want to control his life, you have unresolved issues.

If you cannot handle the risk, you are free to leave.


I will add:

DH here. Ride for years in several US states; even raced. The DC metro area is probably the very worst, most dangerous place to ride of anywhere in the US.

[Anonymous]

Rode.

[Anonymous]

My friend's an ER doc. They refer to motorcycle riders are "organ donors".

Your BF can be the best rider out there -- it's the other idiot drivers out there that is the issue. Already in MoCo this year I think we're up to do motorcycle deaths, due to a driver making a left turn and not seeing the oncoming motorcycle. The driver was at fault, but that's little consolation when your loved one is dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't own him. You are not married to him. You are not his mother. He is an individual and he gets to do what he wants (take risks) with his own body. Men don't get to tell women how to dress or cut their hair and you don't get to tell someone else how to live either.

So he better be OK with her walking away when he can't feed himself.

That is fine. If him driving a motorcycle is a hard boundary for her then she is morally bound to tell him "if you get hurt I will leave you" or "I will not date someone that drives a motorcycle" They both have a choice to make and they need to be very clear with each other.
Neither person is "wrong" here. He has his needs/wants and she has her needs/wants if they don't line up then they need to break up.

She is nit morally bound to tell a BOYFRIEND that they are not life long partners. It’s part of the deal, she can break up any time for any reason.FFS

Actually, there is a moral imperative for BOTH people who chose to enter into an agreement (relationship) to clearly communicate their conditions upon which they are entering into the relationship. To hide by omission a condition upon which one person will terminate the agreement (relationship) is fundamentally dishonest.

Not telling him her conditions has at least two bad consequences:
1. It will blindside him if he does get hurt when she leaves.
2. If she doesn't tell him, then it will engender resentment in her because she will (in the back of her mind) think to herself "he doesn't care about my needs/feelings because he bought that motorcycle". But she never CLEARLY communicated to him the situation that she will leave IF he gets hurt.

Someone that doesn't communicate the conditions of the relationship is wanting to eat their cake and keep it too. Essentially get the benefit of the relationship (which might end) if they were honest and then not deal with the consequences (walk away) if something bad happens. It is simply not a moral position.

You are insane.

Dating is just that, dating. A woman (or man) can exit at anytime even if it does “blindside” the other. If you are reckless with your life live with the consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't own him. You are not married to him. You are not his mother. He is an individual and he gets to do what he wants (take risks) with his own body. Men don't get to tell women how to dress or cut their hair and you don't get to tell someone else how to live either.

So he better be OK with her walking away when he can't feed himself.

That is fine. If him driving a motorcycle is a hard boundary for her then she is morally bound to tell him "if you get hurt I will leave you" or "I will not date someone that drives a motorcycle" They both have a choice to make and they need to be very clear with each other.
Neither person is "wrong" here. He has his needs/wants and she has her needs/wants if they don't line up then they need to break up.

She is nit morally bound to tell a BOYFRIEND that they are not life long partners. It’s part of the deal, she can break up any time for any reason.FFS

Actually, there is a moral imperative for BOTH people who chose to enter into an agreement (relationship) to clearly communicate their conditions upon which they are entering into the relationship. To hide by omission a condition upon which one person will terminate the agreement (relationship) is fundamentally dishonest.

Not telling him her conditions has at least two bad consequences:
1. It will blindside him if he does get hurt when she leaves.
2. If she doesn't tell him, then it will engender resentment in her because she will (in the back of her mind) think to herself "he doesn't care about my needs/feelings because he bought that motorcycle". But she never CLEARLY communicated to him the situation that she will leave IF he gets hurt.

Someone that doesn't communicate the conditions of the relationship is wanting to eat their cake and keep it too. Essentially get the benefit of the relationship (which might end) if they were honest and then not deal with the consequences (walk away) if something bad happens. It is simply not a moral position.

You are insane.

Dating is just that, dating. A woman (or man) can exit at anytime even if it does “blindside” the other. If you are reckless with your life live with the consequences.

+1. I’m pretty sure the guy already knows she isn’t his wife and owes him jack sh*t if he dies.

[Anonymous]

My DH has one. He's been riding since college.

Take the full safety course. It's worth it. DH takes it every ten years or so as a refresher (he's done it 3 times in two different states), and says he learns something every time.

I ride with him with a few restrictions:
1. No freeways or busy city streets. Just suburbs and country roads (which are the most enjoyable places to ride anyway).
2. Full helmet with face shield, long pants, protective jacket for both of us. Yes, even when it's hot out.
3. DH is a very cautious and defensive rider. Always at or below the speed limit, actively avoids other people's blind spots, bias toward stopping for yellow lights vs zooming through them, no weaving through traffic. This is no guarantee, of course, but greatly reduces the odds of getting in an accident.
4. Daylight only.

I've thought about learning to ride myself, but haven't gotten around to it yet. Maybe someday.

[Anonymous]

I was in a young widows' support group that had a large number of members whose spouses were killed in motorcycle accidents. Some of the deceased were at fault; others seemed to be the result of other drivers. The results were the same in the end though.

For a boyfriend this doesn't seem to be a matter you have much say in, OP. He's going to do what he's going to do.

[Anonymous]

Ask him to manage the risk, for both of you. That means:

1. Take a motorcycle basic training course, like this one: https://msf-usa.org/brc.aspx Do it before buying a bike. Some people taking such courses find out they don't really want to ride after all, or are incapable of doing so safely. Better to learn that before buying a bike as had some people in the course I took.
2. Don't buy a model which is inappropriate for a new rider, i.e., excessively powerful or heavy. Make sure it has available safety features like traction control and ABS.
3. Don't cheap out on protective equipment. Wear All The Gear All The Time (ATGATT), no matter the weather, even though may mean several different riding outfits for different temperatures. Buy quality gear, including good riding gloves and boots and a quality helmet. It'll be expensive, but that's part of the cost of riding safely.
4. Use a airbag vest like this one: https://www.klim.com/Ai-1-Airbag-Vest-3046-000
5. Become properly licensed with motorcycle endorsement.
6. Never have any alcohol before a ride or during one when stopping for a break or for lunch.
7. Be selective in when and where he rides, e.g. try to avoid riding after dark or in rain, on very busy roads with lots of intersections, etc.
8. Always check tire pressure and condition before riding, and never let tires become worn to the point of losing appreciable stopping and cornering capability. Buy quality tires, not the cheapest ones available which fit.

Riding can be fun and risk can be managed although not eliminated. I recall being told during my basic rider training that most serious accidents happen to unlicensed, untrained riders who often have been drinking and who exceed their skill limits, e.g., take corners too fast for their abilities, sometimes when trying to keep up with others in a group. Certainly accidents can occur through no fault of the rider, most commonly when someone pulls out in front of a motorcycle ("I didn't see him", is the usual story there), or when a rider strikes an animal like a deer. Riding defensively and never riding while distracted are good ideas to help mitigate those specific risks.

[Anonymous]

Adding to the PP, the helmet should always be a full-face design. Half helmets are insufficiently protective, although many riders like them for their looks or perceived comfort/convenience because there is no protective chinbar section.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him to manage the risk, for both of you. That means:

1. Take a motorcycle basic training course, like this one: https://msf-usa.org/brc.aspx Do it before buying a bike. Some people taking such courses find out they don't really want to ride after all, or are incapable of doing so safely. Better to learn that before buying a bike as had some people in the course I took.
2. Don't buy a model which is inappropriate for a new rider, i.e., excessively powerful or heavy. Make sure it has available safety features like traction control and ABS.
3. Don't cheap out on protective equipment. Wear All The Gear All The Time (ATGATT), no matter the weather, even though may mean several different riding outfits for different temperatures. Buy quality gear, including good riding gloves and boots and a quality helmet. It'll be expensive, but that's part of the cost of riding safely.
4. Use a airbag vest like this one: https://www.klim.com/Ai-1-Airbag-Vest-3046-000
5. Become properly licensed with motorcycle endorsement.
6. Never have any alcohol before a ride or during one when stopping for a break or for lunch.
7. Be selective in when and where he rides, e.g. try to avoid riding after dark or in rain, on very busy roads with lots of intersections, etc.
8. Always check tire pressure and condition before riding, and never let tires become worn to the point of losing appreciable stopping and cornering capability. Buy quality tires, not the cheapest ones available which fit.

Riding can be fun and risk can be managed although not eliminated. I recall being told during my basic rider training that most serious accidents happen to unlicensed, untrained riders who often have been drinking and who exceed their skill limits, e.g., take corners too fast for their abilities, sometimes when trying to keep up with others in a group. Certainly accidents can occur through no fault of the rider, most commonly when someone pulls out in front of a motorcycle ("I didn't see him", is the usual story there), or when a rider strikes an animal like a deer. Riding defensively and never riding while distracted are good ideas to help mitigate those specific risks.

This is an excellent answer.

You can't "forbid" a grownup to buy a motorcycle, but you can suggest all of this.

Also, I wouldn't ride with him, for the kids' sake and for yours.

I had a friend who rode a bike that was too big and powerful for her size and skill level. Another friend had an appropriate bike, but somebody ran into him. A third lady's helmet came flying off when she wrecked. I realize that this is a sample of three, but it's enough to keep me off of motorcycles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both 40 and divorced and have kids (4 total). He has always wanted a motorcycle and his ex-wife wouldn't let him have one.

I'm not crazy about it, but not going to stop him if it's his dream to ride one. Any tips or advice when discussing this with your significant other?

And ladies, would you ride on it with your man?

I would voice my concerns. I know a few women who lost their husbands in motorcycle accidents. I think I would love it but wound not ride with him

[Anonymous]

Make sure he he is a designated organ donor on his license. There is a critical shortage of organ donors.

[Anonymous]

Here are some ideas:

Make sure he takes a good MC course.

Get him a copy of the book Proficient Motorcycling and insist he read it. Especially the early chapters.

There is acronym, ATGATT…at gat. All The Gear All The Time. Ask him to follow this.

In terms of MC death statistics, it is surprising the fraction of deaths where (1) the rider has not taken a good course, or (2) the rider does not have a MC license, or (3) the rider is driving on a suspended license, or (4) the rider is intoxicated, or (5) the rider is out Friday or Saturday evenings. Or some combination of those.

Your chances of avoiding calamity are much improved if you take a course, get a license, stay sober, and avoid Friday and Saturday nights. Of course anything can happen at any time.