Just realized I dated and am married to an alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What defines an alcoholic on this forum? A beer every night? Or downing an entire bottle of vodka a night? Or a glass of wine a week?

Cause almost every post here has been about how “my spouse is an alcoholic”.

Being an alcoholic is not about how much a person drinks, it's about whether their drinking interferes with their ability to function.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The tone of this board towards people with alcohol use disorder is just insane.

The advice literally every time is just - oh f him, divorce.

Its hurtful, its not even based in medical evidence, and its wrong.

If the person with the addiction is actively seeking or in treatment, its a complete world of difference over someone in denial or not trying to fix the issue.

I say that as someone with 3 yrs sobriety.

The alcoholic doesn’t want the divorce. Because it’s always about the alcoholic, their needs, their problems.

+1. Ex-wife of an alcoholic here. I get what the three years sober poster says - my kids are at high risk for mental illness and substance abuse, and I would never want someone to look at them and say automatic divorce if they happened to develop an alcohol problem.

And yet, having had the experience with their Dad….. I don’t even think the alcoholic understands the havoc they have wrought, let alone make amends. Amends, IME, seems to be an apology, with the expectation of the obligation of acceptance and no effort to make reparations. I have lost so much by allowing myself to get tangled up with DH, and my kids have been so deeply hurt. When we first met and I learned of his long family history of alcoholism, I should have run in the opposite direction without looking back.

“Actively seeking treatment” is a really low bar. It takes years and a lot of work and the ability to have critical self-insight for an alcoholic to come to a place where they can be a healthy relationship partner. IME, much of that time while the alcoholic is “actively seeking treatment”, the family that surrounds the alcoholic is both doing work on their behalf and suffer harm from them. It is a tremendous drain and wound that I think goes un acknowledged and unaddressed and means that those family members are not able to focus on themselves and their own development.

That is why I divorced. Because I recognized that to stay together was to continue to expose ourselves to that drain of resources and energy and to continue to put ourselves at risk. I am sure I will be criticized as unsympathetic for saying so, but that is our truth.

Amends is actually the opposite of what you are saying. It is not an apology -- but rather admitting your role and offering yourself up to take action to repair the damage you've done. And then doing what is asked. Whatever that is. Sometimes, the person isn't ready to give a list of what they want to the person in recovery but to be in AA and do the steps you have to be actively willing to make amends to anyone you've harmed.

Honestly, I am in recovery and this is what prevented me from getting help for ten years. The stigma is keeping more people abusing alcohol which causes more damage. Just a thought PP....for your kids.

[Anonymous]

At what point would you marry an alcoholic? Three years sober? Five? Ten? Never?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define an alcoholic… I’m interested in what a person’s definition is of an alcoholic.

Here’s the legal definition…

Alcoholism is an illness marked by consumption of alcoholic beverages at a level that interferes with physical or mental health, and social, family, or occupational responsibilities. Alcoholism is a type of addiction.

It's not about the amount of alcohol that is consumed.

It’s not about the frequency that alcohol is consumed.

It’s about the level impairment that the person drinking experiences and their inability to stop drinking even though they are risking health, safety, relationships, careers, and reputation.

In short, if your spouse tells you how hard it is to live with you because of your drinking, and you won’t stop, you’ve got a problem.

Your definition leaves the door wide open for alcoholics, who always think they aren't that impaired, to deny the truth. Nah. Not going with this bs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What defines an alcoholic on this forum? A beer every night? Or downing an entire bottle of vodka a night? Or a glass of wine a week?

Cause almost every post here has been about how “my spouse is an alcoholic”.

Being an alcoholic is not about how much a person drinks, it's about whether their drinking interferes with their ability to function.

Ok. Keep telling yourself this lie and it is a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What defines an alcoholic on this forum? A beer every night? Or downing an entire bottle of vodka a night? Or a glass of wine a week?

Cause almost every post here has been about how “my spouse is an alcoholic”.

It has to do with your relationship to alcohol, not the simplistic questions you posed.

A clear sign is that it is causing problems in your life (job/marriage/health) and you don't/can't cut back or stop.

You often drink more than you intended to.

You can drink a lot and have few effects (=equals a physical tolerance)

Often, it is hidden...even from the person with the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The tone of this board towards people with alcohol use disorder is just insane.

The advice literally every time is just - oh f him, divorce.

Its hurtful, its not even based in medical evidence, and its wrong.

If the person with the addiction is actively seeking or in treatment, its a complete world of difference over someone in denial or not trying to fix the issue.

I say that as someone with 3 yrs sobriety.

lololololol

Because dealing with an alcoholic day in and day out ISN'T hurtful?

Congrats on your sobriety - keep it up. But stop guilt tripping people who are exhausted dealing with the repercussions of someone else's addiction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Define an alcoholic… I’m interested in what a person’s definition is of an alcoholic.

Here’s the legal definition…

Alcoholism is an illness marked by consumption of alcoholic beverages at a level that interferes with physical or mental health, and social, family, or occupational responsibilities. Alcoholism is a type of addiction.

It's not about the amount of alcohol that is consumed.

It’s not about the frequency that alcohol is consumed.

It’s about the level impairment that the person drinking experiences and their inability to stop drinking even though they are risking health, safety, relationships, careers, and reputation.

In short, if your spouse tells you how hard it is to live with you because of your drinking, and you won’t stop, you’ve got a problem.

Your definition leaves the door wide open for alcoholics, who always think they aren't that impaired, to deny the truth. Nah. Not going with this bs.

? Hello? Of course alcoholics don't think they are that impaired, that's.the.point. Did you read the last sentence? Or maybe you don't understand what I wrote.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The tone of this board towards people with alcohol use disorder is just insane.

The advice literally every time is just - oh f him, divorce.

Its hurtful, its not even based in medical evidence, and its wrong.

If the person with the addiction is actively seeking or in treatment, its a complete world of difference over someone in denial or not trying to fix the issue.

I say that as someone with 3 yrs sobriety.

lololololol

Because dealing with an alcoholic day in and day out ISN'T hurtful?

Congrats on your sobriety - keep it up. But stop guilt tripping people who are exhausted dealing with the repercussions of someone else's addiction.

+1!

Ooh, the everlasting narcissism of addicts. "I'm hurt you're leaving me! All I did was turn your life upside down, lie to your face every day, traumatize our kids and embarrass our family."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What defines an alcoholic on this forum? A beer every night? Or downing an entire bottle of vodka a night? Or a glass of wine a week?

Cause almost every post here has been about how “my spouse is an alcoholic”.

Being an alcoholic is not about how much a person drinks, it's about whether their drinking interferes with their ability to function.

Ok. Keep telling yourself this lie and it is a lie.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What defines an alcoholic on this forum? A beer every night? Or downing an entire bottle of vodka a night? Or a glass of wine a week?

Cause almost every post here has been about how “my spouse is an alcoholic”.

Being an alcoholic is not about how much a person drinks, it's about whether their drinking interferes with their ability to function.

Ok. Keep telling yourself this lie and it is a lie.

Actually it is the way alcoholism is assessed. If you look at the DSM you will see that for yourself.

Or if you still believe it's a lie, please point to the DSM assessment that shows exactly how many ounces of alcohol consumption in how many days = alcoholism.

I'm waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The tone of this board towards people with alcohol use disorder is just insane.

The advice literally every time is just - oh f him, divorce.

Its hurtful, its not even based in medical evidence, and its wrong.

If the person with the addiction is actively seeking or in treatment, its a complete world of difference over someone in denial or not trying to fix the issue.

I say that as someone with 3 yrs sobriety.

I didn't realize that reasons to divorce were based on medical evidence. Learn something every day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem with being married to an addict/alcoholic is that they are habitual liars. Even when they stop drinking the addiction pops up in another form (porn, drugs, gambling, etc.) which they lie and gaslight about. It's like Whack-a-Mole. If you aren't in too deep with your alcoholic, you should divorce before it takes you down too.

+1000
the divorce cost me tens of thousands- worth every penny!
signed ex-wife of addict

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What defines an alcoholic on this forum? A beer every night? Or downing an entire bottle of vodka a night? Or a glass of wine a week?

Cause almost every post here has been about how “my spouse is an alcoholic”.

Being an alcoholic is not about how much a person drinks, it's about whether their drinking interferes with their ability to function.

Ok. Keep telling yourself this lie and it is a lie.

Not sure why my comment seemed to strike a chord with you? What about what I said above is a lie? I may be mistaken, and I am certainly no expert on alcoholism, but what I have been told by an addiction counselor who is currently working with my family is that the ability to tolerate alcohol varies from person to person. A small woman might be able to drink much less than a large man, and have the alcohol impair her functioning in a way that it doesn't for the man. My point being that you cannot simply say that having X number of glasses of wine etc a day, a week, a month, makes you an alcoholic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The problem with being married to an addict/alcoholic is that they are habitual liars. Even when they stop drinking the addiction pops up in another form (porn, drugs, gambling, etc.) which they lie and gaslight about. It's like Whack-a-Mole. If you aren't in too deep with your alcoholic, you should divorce before it takes you down too.

+1000
the divorce cost me tens of thousands- worth every penny!
signed ex-wife of addict

Could not agree more. From another ex-wife of an alcoholic.