Just realized I dated and am married to an alcoholic

[Anonymous]

My therapist told me quite bluntly what I have been experiencing in my marriage has been due to my husband's alcohol addiction.

Oh my God, it makes so much sense. How did I not see it?

[Anonymous]

You should divorce an alcoholic

[Anonymous]

What signs did your therapist pick up on that you missed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should divorce an alcoholic

Holy overreaction alert. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should divorce an alcoholic

+1

[Anonymous]

Is either of your parents an alcoholic?

[Anonymous]

The tone of this board towards people with alcohol use disorder is just insane.

The advice literally every time is just - oh f him, divorce.

Its hurtful, its not even based in medical evidence, and its wrong.

If the person with the addiction is actively seeking or in treatment, its a complete world of difference over someone in denial or not trying to fix the issue.

I say that as someone with 3 yrs sobriety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The tone of this board towards people with alcohol use disorder is just insane.

The advice literally every time is just - oh f him, divorce.

Its hurtful, its not even based in medical evidence, and its wrong.

If the person with the addiction is actively seeking or in treatment, its a complete world of difference over someone in denial or not trying to fix the issue.

I say that as someone with 3 yrs sobriety.

If OP’s person was in treatment it would be a different post. I dated an alcoholic and would never marry him.

Good for you for getting treatment but you are not typical

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The tone of this board towards people with alcohol use disorder is just insane.

The advice literally every time is just - oh f him, divorce.

Its hurtful, its not even based in medical evidence, and its wrong.

If the person with the addiction is actively seeking or in treatment, its a complete world of difference over someone in denial or not trying to fix the issue.

I say that as someone with 3 yrs sobriety.

The attitude here is usually toward people who are refusing help or denying they have a problem, not those who are in treatment or sobriety.

[Anonymous]

What kinds of things have you been experiencing, OP?

[Anonymous]

The problem with being married to an addict/alcoholic is that they are habitual liars. Even when they stop drinking the addiction pops up in another form (porn, drugs, gambling, etc.) which they lie and gaslight about. It's like Whack-a-Mole. If you aren't in too deep with your alcoholic, you should divorce before it takes you down too.

[Anonymous]

What defines an alcoholic on this forum? A beer every night? Or downing an entire bottle of vodka a night? Or a glass of wine a week?

Cause almost every post here has been about how “my spouse is an alcoholic”.

[Anonymous]

I don't think a therapist is qualified to diagnose someone through hearsay lol but ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The tone of this board towards people with alcohol use disorder is just insane.

The advice literally every time is just - oh f him, divorce.

Its hurtful, its not even based in medical evidence, and its wrong.

If the person with the addiction is actively seeking or in treatment, its a complete world of difference over someone in denial or not trying to fix the issue.

I say that as someone with 3 yrs sobriety.

The alcoholic doesn’t want the divorce. Because it’s always about the alcoholic, their needs, their problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My therapist told me quite bluntly what I have been experiencing in my marriage has been due to my husband's alcohol addiction.

Oh my God, it makes so much sense. How did I not see it?

OP, I'm so sorry. Please get yourself to Al-Anon as fast as you can. Al-Anon is not AA -- AA is for alcoholics themselves; Al-Anon is for people like you, whose loved ones are alcoholics. You will meet people there who have been through what you are going through now and who can relate to you as only your peers in the same situation can relate. They can help you talk about how you didn't see it, why you didn't see it, and what comes next. Please do not make any sudden decisions like leaving (unless he is abusive--THAT is a different situation altogether).

https://al-anon.org/

You are still processing this and to some degree, I'm guessing, focusing on the shock right now and seeing the evidence clearly fall into place for the first time. Not a time for choices but a time for information. You also will need to talk to someone about how to approach your DH with the fact he has an addiction, and the fact he must get treatment or it will kill him and possibly is already killing your marriage. Note that I did not say to run to him today and demand he start AA tonight! I'm saying, you need to breathe a minute, and get solid advice on HOW to approach him if he is in denial. Al-Anon can help, your therapist might be able to help.

I will NOT do the knee-jerk DCUM "divorce him" parroting that goes on here; we have no idea about your relationship other than what you have said so far, and for all we know, you and he will be able to stay together if he accepts that he's an alcoholic and accepts the help he needs. Only you know what you've been "experiencing in your marriage" and you do not owe us a litany of details here (though you'll get posts demanding that you give up details--do not feel obliged to dish, spend that time on lining up the next Al-Anon meeting you can find for yourself).

I really hope that, if you love him and want to stay together, he will accept the fact he's an addict and will choose to work to get past that -- via AA, and/or medical treatment if needed, and/or therapy or whatever else it takes. If things are at a point where you cannot or will not stay together, I hope your therapist helps you navigate how to leave him.