Reply to Just realized I dated and am married to an alcoholic

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The tone of this board towards people with alcohol use disorder is just insane.

The advice literally every time is just - oh f him, divorce.

Its hurtful, its not even based in medical evidence, and its wrong.

If the person with the addiction is actively seeking or in treatment, its a complete world of difference over someone in denial or not trying to fix the issue.

[b]I say that as someone with 3 yrs sobriety. [/b]

[/quote]

The alcoholic doesn’t want the divorce. Because it’s always about the alcoholic, their needs, their problems. [/quote]

+1. Ex-wife of an alcoholic here.  I get what the three years sober poster says - my kids are at high risk for mental illness and substance abuse, and I would never want someone to look at them and say automatic divorce if they happened to develop an alcohol problem. 
[b]
And yet, having had the experience with their Dad….. I don’t even think the alcoholic understands the havoc they have wrought, let alone make amends.  Amends, IME, seems to be an apology, with the expectation of the obligation of acceptance and no effort to make reparations.  I have lost so much by allowing myself to get tangled up with DH, and my kids have been so deeply hurt.  When we first met and I learned of his long family history of alcoholism, I should have run in the opposite direction without looking back.
[/b]
“Actively seeking treatment” is a really low bar.   It takes years and a lot of work and the ability to have critical self-insight for an alcoholic to come to a place where they can be a healthy relationship partner.  IME, much of that time while the alcoholic is “actively seeking treatment”, the family that surrounds the alcoholic is both doing work on their behalf and suffer harm from them.  It is a tremendous drain and wound that I think goes un acknowledged and unaddressed and means that those family members are not able to focus on themselves and their own development.

That is why I divorced.  Because I recognized that to stay together was to continue to expose ourselves to that drain of resources and energy and to continue to put ourselves at risk.  I am sure I will be criticized as unsympathetic for saying so, but that is our truth.[/quote]

Amends is actually the opposite of what you are saying. It is not an apology -- but rather admitting your role and offering yourself up to take action to repair the damage you've done. And then doing what is asked. Whatever that is. Sometimes, the person isn't ready to give a list of what they want to the person in recovery but to be in AA and do the steps you have to be actively willing to make amends to anyone you've harmed.

Honestly, I am in recovery and this is what prevented me from getting help for ten years. The stigma is keeping more people abusing alcohol which causes more damage. Just a thought PP....for your kids.[/quote]

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