If you left a private school because of bullying or exclusion, what was the tipping point?

[Anonymous]

I don't understand what the reasonable expectation is here, that somehow bullying exists only in public schools and shouldn't in private schools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the reasonable expectation is here, that somehow bullying exists only in public schools and shouldn't in private schools?

I think it’s reasonable to assume that if it’s a private school with many levels of leadership and you are paying $50k a year per kid and their mantra is No bullying, then the school will help out and look into bad behaviors seriously.
And those progressive schools harping about socio-emotional stuff should coach children and parents out of bullying conflicts together. Or have serious talks with repeat offenders.

[Anonymous]

Pull her. There is no haven or finding another group. I found that my MCPS public handled these thing swiftly and effectively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are leaving a school due to bullying (my child is finishing 5th grade now). The school downplayed the bullying for over a year, wasn't transparent with us last year when we requested that the kids not be together this year (they are), gave horrible and conflicting advice to the targets of the bully about how to handle, doesn't seem committed to stopping the bullying, and didn't counsel out the other student. They were able to mostly separate the kids for the rest of this school year, but they don't think they can for next year.

My child who loved going to school now hates it. I am just not willing to pay a significant amount of money for a school who didn't have my child's back.

I could’ve written this few ago - exact same situation. Is this an all girl’s school by chance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the reasonable expectation is here, that somehow bullying exists only in public schools and shouldn't in private schools?

I think it’s reasonable to assume that if it’s a private school with many levels of leadership and you are paying $50k a year per kid and their mantra is No bullying, then the school will help out and look into bad behaviors seriously.
And those progressive schools harping about socio-emotional stuff should coach children and parents out of bullying conflicts together. Or have serious talks with repeat offenders.

Right. The problem is with that private schools, if a parent is very active and/or a big donor, the bullying kid stays and your kid has to go. This dynamic does not really exist in public schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which schools have people been unhappy with bullying? I'm tying to figure out if it's an individual school problem or a more global private school program

Sidwell was for us but this was bout 6-7 years ago. Pulled our son and put him in the neighborhood public. There was no fighting that battle - we were never going to win so we left. Problem resolved at his new public - he was never bullied and has become quite a leader, well liked, great grades, etc. You have to not be afraid to pull the plug and give up your idea that your tuition dollars pay for a utopian environment. Sidwell killed my son's self esteem and it was exclusively social - his grades were wonderful. The kids are the children of the wealthy and well connected and if you are not, its an uphill road for acceptance and inclusion. I regret ever having sent him there. He is happy now but I question whether his self esteem ever fully recovered. Just typing this makes me sad again. Please move your daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, I offer a perspective not given yet and only mention because you said it was a religious school. I have a dear friend who stopped believing in the religion she grew up in because she couldn’t reconcile the words the school taught (love thy neighbor, etc) with actions of her middle school peers. To this day, while she hasn’t joined a different faith, she doesn’t feel comfortable in the spaces of the religion of that school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she be in a different class next year with different kids? If she is going to be with same kids for the duration I would switch too.

There are no other classes - it’s one class per grade.

OP, just curious, do you have other children at the school? We are in a similar situation with our fourth grade DD at a small school with just one class per grade. DD is really struggling socially and we’re considering public, but we have another child who has lucked out and is in a class with mostly easy going kids and seems to be thriving at the small school. Overall, I’m not thrilled with how the school handles mean kids so am tempted to pull both kids out. Just wondering if you’ve got another kid factoring into your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which schools have people been unhappy with bullying? I'm tying to figure out if it's an individual school problem or a more global private school program

I think it is luck of the draw as to which kids your child has in their class/grade. Each cohort is different at any school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Which schools have people been unhappy with bullying? I'm tying to figure out if it's an individual school problem or a more global private school program

I think it is luck of the draw as to which kids your child has in their class/grade. Each cohort is different at any school.

As a PP said, I think the question is not whether there will be mean kids in your kid’s class but whether the school handles it well. That should be consistent throughout the school, across grades and years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the reasonable expectation is here, that somehow bullying exists only in public schools and shouldn't in private schools?

I think it’s reasonable to assume that if it’s a private school with many levels of leadership and you are paying $50k a year per kid and their mantra is No bullying, then the school will help out and look into bad behaviors seriously.
And those progressive schools harping about socio-emotional stuff should coach children and parents out of bullying conflicts together. Or have serious talks with repeat offenders.

But what percentage of private schools are actually progressive and emphasize social/emotional well-being? My guess is that most don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she be in a different class next year with different kids? If she is going to be with same kids for the duration I would switch too.

There are no other classes - it’s one class per grade.

OP, just curious, do you have other children at the school? We are in a similar situation with our fourth grade DD at a small school with just one class per grade. DD is really struggling socially and we’re considering public, but we have another child who has lucked out and is in a class with mostly easy going kids and seems to be thriving at the small school. Overall, I’m not thrilled with how the school handles mean kids so am tempted to pull both kids out. Just wondering if you’ve got another kid factoring into your decision.

Hi this is OP - another child is not factoring into the decision. But even if I had two there, I would not mind separating them if that's what worked best. If 4th is rough for your daughter, often it only gets worse as they get older. Also I know plenty of families that have their kids split - some or one in public and the other(s) in private. The problem with small kids is when even one kid leaves or one kid joins, the entire dynamic of the class can shift.

[Anonymous]

meant the problem with small *classes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can she be in a different class next year with different kids? If she is going to be with same kids for the duration I would switch too.

There are no other classes - it’s one class per grade.

OP, just curious, do you have other children at the school? We are in a similar situation with our fourth grade DD at a small school with just one class per grade. DD is really struggling socially and we’re considering public, but we have another child who has lucked out and is in a class with mostly easy going kids and seems to be thriving at the small school. Overall, I’m not thrilled with how the school handles mean kids so am tempted to pull both kids out. Just wondering if you’ve got another kid factoring into your decision.

Hi this is OP - another child is not factoring into the decision. But even if I had two there, I would not mind separating them if that's what worked best. If 4th is rough for your daughter, often it only gets worse as they get older. Also I know plenty of families that have their kids split - some or one in public and the other(s) in private. The problem with small kids is when even one kid leaves or one kid joins, the entire dynamic of the class can shift.

My kid went to a K-8 with one class per grade.

Do you have any sense that the kids who are being mean have any kind of social skills-related disability? I later learned two or three kids got outside support due to anxiety or trouble reading social cues. We looked into this for my kid. The advice my kid (then in 4th) was given to stand up for themselves or set boundaries might help in a workplace, but not in a class with 22 Catholic kids who will be together for 5 years. I pulled my kid out of that program because it was not kind.

Is the kind of bullying "excluding" or ignoring (relational)? Are they not being chosen for team/groups? Is it related to appearance in some way?

Is there a person at school that is there full time to address feelings, or is the "counselor" the priest/principal/just as nice teacher?

In making your decision, can you try to think about switching "up" as in towards a place where there is a program your child likes (coding after school, a good choir, a science lab....) and better social-emotional support on site, so they can upgrade to things that will help them develop in a loving way instead of fleeing. This may require some research.

I think in the end, if you can't find a work around, helping your child learn when to leave an emotionally abusive environment is a good message.

Just also try to make sure you can talk to someone who will give you the full story of the social dynamics of the class. There is usually a queen bee mom who knows what's going on with everyone, and sometimes 2-3 girls are so afraid of being cast out of clique, they alienate the person who could take their spot.

The book Queen Bees and Wanna Be-s is amazing. Mean Girls was based on it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what the reasonable expectation is here, that somehow bullying exists only in public schools and shouldn't in private schools?

I think it’s reasonable to assume that if it’s a private school with many levels of leadership and you are paying $50k a year per kid and their mantra is No bullying, then the school will help out and look into bad behaviors seriously.
And those progressive schools harping about socio-emotional stuff should coach children and parents out of bullying conflicts together. Or have serious talks with repeat offenders.

Right. The problem is with that private schools, if a parent is very active and/or a big donor, the bullying kid stays and your kid has to go. This dynamic does not really exist in public schools.

We found that the teachers are the choke point at our Pk-12. For concerns on academic performance and behavior.

Even with multiple separate questions and concerns voiced about one young bully, the teacher waves it off and says everyone is good. Or this year it’s, the kids forgot how to socialize.

It was shocking to get pulled aside by various parents recently and asked about a particular dynamic in one of our childrens classrooms we were largely unaware of. Then when we asked our child, they had months of terrible examples of what’s been going on. And our child was spot on, saying Isn’t it ironic we have all these classes on kindness and inclusivity and then this keeps going on.

Anything to keep the All is Well facade at private school.