My DD changed her mind on her ED school

[Anonymous]

ED is such a scam. It's to give a leg-up to full pay rich kids and legacies. That's the sole reason for ED's existence. I guarantee that many competitive universities will soon be fill 75%+ of the incoming class with only ED's.

I hate it and wish it was banished.

[Anonymous]

Almost every kid I know who did ED had a bit of buyer's remorse (including my own), and then most got out of it eventually. Many do after May 1 when everyone's committed. My kid sort of waxed and waned on it all summer even after committing, and even fall of 1st year there wasn't 100% sure, but now has grown to love the place. I think the thing is making a kid aware that they could get out of it but giving absolutely zero help in that process. So sure, you don't need to go to your ED school--'don't go if it's not the right place for you. We'll support you.' But then it's 100% on her to figure out what she would really like to do and how to make it happen and how to communicate that to the institutions.

(I feel this way about transferring too--express absolutely that you can transfer if you want, but then back away--they have to research how, do all the paperwork, meet the deadlines, make it work financially etc). I think giving them the feeling of agency and control is enough to help kids get out of that uncertainty if it isn't a real problem. They know they are in the driver's seat so if they aren't changing things they must really want them. Psychologically that often helps them feel more confident in their choice--or if it's really a bad decision they will make a change and feel empowered by all they did to make that change happen.

[Anonymous]

I went to a college I had never visited and barely knew a thing about because I intended to transfer to the school I really wanted to go to after a semester.

Life is what happens when you're making plans. I had a wonderful time at the random college and never even applied to transfer to the other one. I thought the college I went to was great once I was there and experiencing it all.

[Anonymous]

Maybe have the DC connect some students on social media and talk about classes and campus life etc to get the DC excited about that school? Mine is doing that and she can’t stop talking about some wonderful classes to take in the fall (based on the students’ suggestions) and the activities she is planning to do there. We are also going to an admitted students day to get a closer look of the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Almost every kid I know who did ED had a bit of buyer's remorse (including my own), and then most got out of it eventually. Many do after May 1 when everyone's committed. My kid sort of waxed and waned on it all summer even after committing, and even fall of 1st year there wasn't 100% sure, but now has grown to love the place. I think the thing is making a kid aware that they could get out of it but giving absolutely zero help in that process. So sure, you don't need to go to your ED school--'don't go if it's not the right place for you. We'll support you.' But then it's 100% on her to figure out what she would really like to do and how to make it happen and how to communicate that to the institutions.

(I feel this way about transferring too--express absolutely that you can transfer if you want, but then back away--they have to research how, do all the paperwork, meet the deadlines, make it work financially etc). I think giving them the feeling of agency and control is enough to help kids get out of that uncertainty if it isn't a real problem. They know they are in the driver's seat so if they aren't changing things they must really want them. Psychologically that often helps them feel more confident in their choice--or if it's really a bad decision they will make a change and feel empowered by all they did to make that change happen.

This is such great advice, PP.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry, OP. As a parent of a junior at a private school that really pushes ED, I am appreciative of this thread. Could you provide any more info on why your daughter’s preferences changed in terms of size and atmosphere? What else would you do differently?

So far what I am hearing from other posters is there seems to be buyers remorse for kids who felt like they made a strategic choice rather than picked their favorite school (although adults seem to find wisdom in the choice).

Anything else? Did you all visit ED choice? Trying to avoid this for my junior so I am appreciative of all the advice.

[Anonymous]

Everyone has doubts, it's a normal part of the process of transitioning from being in HS to being a lot more independent, in college.

Remind her it's normal. Do not show fear of your own, be supportive and upbeat. If you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry, OP. As a parent of a junior at a private school that really pushes ED, I am appreciative of this thread. Could you provide any more info on why your daughter’s preferences changed in terms of size and atmosphere? What else would you do differently?

So far what I am hearing from other posters is there seems to be buyers remorse for kids who felt like they made a strategic choice rather than picked their favorite school (although adults seem to find wisdom in the choice).

Anything else? Did you all visit ED choice? Trying to avoid this for my junior so I am appreciative of all the advice.

I'm the PP--my kid had "buyer's remorse" for the school he loved most. It was the school he clicked with, the one we thought was best, the one that made reasonable sense financially etc. It's just it's a big decision, everyone around you is all hyped about where they got in and all for the months after you've "settled", and it's just natural to second guess. I don't think it's a flaw with ED, it's just how minds work. Some people struggle more with that feeling than others--it often has little to do with the merits of the choice. I'm sure my DC would have been agonizing and second-guessing over their RD options too had he gone that route, been slow to warm up to the place once there, and then become completely in love and loyal to the institution after a little time.

[Anonymous]

Your DD needs to honor her commitment. Full stop. If she doesn't, both she and her HS look bad.

[Anonymous]

One of my kids applied ED for the advantage, got deferred, then got in RD but also got in to some other schools, and the admitted student events resulted in their deciding to go to one of the RD colleges. I think the enthusiasm for getting into the hardest admit wears off a little when you start thinking about spending four years at a place whose main appeals are prestige and a technical match for the subjects your interested in.

That said, I think most students have a honeymoon period followed by a crash. Has your daughter got a roommate yet, OP? I think getting to know the people you'll be around can make the prospect of college more appealing, sort of like kids making plans to attend their safety, hearing a yes from the school that waitlisted them, and deciding to stay with the safety.

Good luck to you both.

[Anonymous]

*you're

UGH

[Anonymous]

My kid applied to an ED and was deferred to RD.

In the meantime, got into a great EA and then earlier this week, two other RDs.

All three current options are T30 schools (as is the ED)

Found out they got into the ED as well, so 4 great options, but the bloom has fallen off the ED, which likely won't make their final 2.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is committed to it and will stick with it, but she recently realized she made a mistake in picking the school and wishes she chose something else. She has been very sad about it which has been hard to watch. I think she just changed/evolved since early Fall when she applied. I'm not sure how to help he with this. I hate seeing her so upset about something that I thought she would be excited about. I suppose she could transfer at some point but just seems like a depressing way to start college by thinking about transferring already. I don't really have a question. But I do think that some kids change (mature) a lot between the beginning of senior year to the end, and that ED isn't always a good idea because of this. Just something to think about.

I feel for your daughter.
Many kids change/mature during senior year, so having to commit to one college so early can be tough.
I imagine our kids matured more this year - the last 1-2 years seemed like a social stall for some of them, because of the pandemic, and being virtual for so long.

Also with the pandemic, many of our kids didn’t get to visit as many schools as they would have, making it hard to know what you want.
Hopefully she’ll be pleasantly surprised in the Fall but if not, she can transfer.
Try to help her remember the good things about the ED school and why she was attracted to it originally.

"Having" implies it was a requirement. It wasn't. It was a choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two at college and I've noticed a rather large buyers remorse effect for ED kids around this time of year as they see their RD friends get spring acceptances. Just remind her that she selected her school for a reason and that, while she has to go next year, she can reevaluate at a later time whether she wants to transfer.

+1 especially today when your kids see their friends get ivy offers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ED is such a scam. It's to give a leg-up to full pay rich kids and legacies. That's the sole reason for ED's existence. I guarantee that many competitive universities will soon be fill 75%+ of the incoming class with only ED's.

I hate it and wish it was banished.

I agree, I hate it too. My son did not ED his second choice because he said he could not "never know if he could get in UCLA". He is very high stat (I know everyone is, but just putting in context) and good ECS. His guidance counselor told him about his second choice "you will very likely get in ED but unlikely RD - that would be consistent with what she sees every year". We actually thought she was being pessimistic about RD and even some other schools that he was above 75%. He was rejected (well WL, but same thing). He is still happy about his T50 choice and super cheap because of all the merit (and compared to $80K per year at second choice). He stills says that he would do the same thing again. I don't think the ED game is good for students both educationally or mentally. But his is my last so now done with it.