Will it be awkward if I don't offer dinner (seeing friend on college tour)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bring a goodie bag of home baked treats or a local favorite. Ask the mom for suggestions. She may be too busy to have a meal with you and your daughter is not in to it.

Don't bring home baked treats. Just get a gift card ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Is this really even a gift card moment? it just seems over the top for a family friend who is showing your daughter around for an hour. a sincere thank you in person seems enough to me.

[Anonymous]

I have tricky teen DDs too. One is in college, and I'm looking at colleges now with my junior DD.

First, OP, I think college tours can be extremely stressful for many types of kids (and exhilirating for other types). So I get it. The DD I'm with now is historically go-with-the-flow and easy, but wow, the last couple of days I've seen that rigid side. I could see how you feel like you are in a pickle for something that, on paper, seems so simple.

Honestly, I'd not meet up with the aquaintance. You don't need to. It's added stress. Your DD is taking a school tour--she'll get all the info there. She doesn't need to see the dining hall twice. If she loves the school, she can call this aquaintance afterwards.

Think about what is happening here--you've engineered a playdate. You *know* how easy it is to make a playdate for a child but how you cannot engineer one for teens as it will stress them out. While the aquaintance is older and now practicing "adulting" which includes helping out younger kids, it's just a stressful situation for your DD.

So my vote is if your teen cannot handle dinner, then just drop this whole thing, or meet with the aquaintance briefly AFTER the tour (during the day, right before you are headed out of town)

(And consider coming clean with aquaintance why it didn't work out. About a 1/2 hour ago, I explained to a mom-friend of mine why we were at her son's school but didn't tell her or contact her son. But your situation is worse because you ARE asking the aquaintence to do something, and not giving back. So just buck up and rectify it; it will be okay)

[Anonymous]

Are you sure your daughter is ready for college? Maybe CC would be better for her.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a total helicopter OP trying to protect your DD to death. Homeschool + then do online college if she is such a social misfit.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter doesn’t need two tours. If she is having an official tour the next day, she doesn’t need a tour with the friend - especially right after a long drive. If there are strict Covid restrictions at the school, the friend likely will not be able to take your dd into a dorm. My dd (a college sophomore) just gave an informal tour to some friends of ours (parents and their daughter). Dd could not take them into any buildings for security reasons at her school (id is required for entry). This was their only tour of the school, though. Since it is going to be late in the day when you and your dd arrive, why don’t you just nix the tour and invite the friend for an early dinner with you and dd. Then you can help facilitate the discussion about the school since most high school sophomores don’t know what to ask. If you go somewhere casual near campus, it won’t be a long dinner. Then you and dd can decompress at the hotel after dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback so far.

DD will be ready to go to college when it is time. She's currently a sophomore. She has known the family friend since she was a little girl, but she's never spent much time with her (she's BFFs with the much younger sister).

They are not going to meet up for coffee. We are going to roll into town around 4:30, check into the hotel, and then meet up with friend around 5pm. My hope is that the friend might show DD the student center, give her take on college life, and let her see her dorm if that's allowed (strict Covid rules at the school still). No more than an hour. We'll have an official tour the next day, so there is no pressure to show the library, etc. If she only has 20 minutes, that's fine, too.

The college town is cute and has some nice independent coffee shops (avocado toast-type places, so $$), a crepe place, etc. I could ask her mom what she likes and buy a gift card before we leave the next day.

Ask the mom NOW and get the giftcard before you meet up with the girl and give it to her at the end of the tour. Dont' make her meet you a second time a second day in a row just to give her a $20 giftcard.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your daughter is so anxious about being given a tour of a college by a family friend, how's she ever going to handle college on her own?

agree with this. This is part of becoming an adult. Yes you should offer to take the family friend to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Even without the tour, if you are seeing a family friends kid while you’re in town I think you offer to take them out for dinner/lunch.

[Anonymous]

Why did you even set this up? I’d cancel it now and just do the college tour the next day. If you dd has questions later (and she’s only a sophomore and she may not even apply to this school in two years) then she can ask them later. Save everyone the agony by cancelling ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the feedback so far.

DD will be ready to go to college when it is time. She's currently a sophomore. She has known the family friend since she was a little girl, but she's never spent much time with her (she's BFFs with the much younger sister).

They are not going to meet up for coffee. We are going to roll into town around 4:30, check into the hotel, and then meet up with friend around 5pm. My hope is that the friend might show DD the student center, give her take on college life, and let her see her dorm if that's allowed (strict Covid rules at the school still). No more than an hour. We'll have an official tour the next day, so there is no pressure to show the library, etc. If she only has 20 minutes, that's fine, too.

The college town is cute and has some nice independent coffee shops (avocado toast-type places, so $$), a crepe place, etc. I could ask her mom what she likes and buy a gift card before we leave the next day. [/quo

Gift card would be awesome and don't worry about dinner...my college freshman would be happy to show a student around for a bit but not be tied to going out to dinner with them.

This exactly for my college kid. Time is a more precious commodity than food. He's kind and polite so he would feel obliged to go have the dinner, but it would be an imposition because he's really busy with classes/work/social life. He would REALLY appreciate a gift card though that he could give himself a treat when he wanted it (or take his girlfriend for a treat).

[Anonymous]

To be honest, my college senior would NOT want to go to dinner with the much younger friend of her sister. I think that would be awkward for everyone.
I like the idea of a brief "insiders" peek at the dorm and a couple of highlights that a tour night miss. Followup with a thank you note and a gift card to a Starbucks or local coffee place.

[Anonymous]

I think the gift card for the kid’s favorite coffee shop is nice. Not necessary, but a kind gesture that shows how much you value her time. As others have said, I very much doubt she wants or has time to go out to dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be nice if you took her to dinner. But how about instead, you show up with some snacks in a nice bag or basket - popcorn, Cheese-Its, candy, coconut water, etc.?

I wouldn't do that, unless you're sure of no dietary restrictions/allergies/etc...

Please. The kid's a senior in college - they can manage their own food, and share whatever they can't eat with friends.

I think PP was suggesting this because those food options were absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be honest, my college senior would NOT want to go to dinner with the much younger friend of her sister. I think that would be awkward for everyone.
I like the idea of a brief "insiders" peek at the dorm and a couple of highlights that a tour night miss. Followup with a thank you note and a gift card to a Starbucks or local coffee place.

Bingo. This seems appropriate on every level.