Tell me how teens went off the rails

[Anonymous]

A common thread to these responses is just pay attention and be emotionally available. I find that comforting. Because sometimes I don't know what I'm doing at all and surely I screw up, but I show up every day and I try.

My therapist said to me one of the biggest gifts you can give your kids is allowing them to not worry about your feelings. I think about that regularly. I had a parent who dominated our household and all the emotional energy went to navigating that parent's moods and emotions. I try to be a steady and reliable, caring, non-judgmental presence. Not something they are reacting to or navigating or avoiding in the middle of teen years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funny you mention promiscuity OP, and associate it with going off the rails.

But you might be surprised the straight A kids also have hormones.

Top student in my prep school was from a very strict Korean family; seemed very straight laced. Found out years later she had a voracious sexual appetite and even hooked up with a guy on the tennis court at night. On a completely unrelated note, she later became a highly respected MD, but died of breast cancer around age 30.

The GT program CTY (through JHU) is strict, but has often been the place of first sexual experiences for brilliant kids.

I don’t doubt this girl was promiscuous, but I very much doubt it was as a result of her “voracious sexual appetite”. Sounds like something a man wants to believe about a probably damaged and defiant young woman. Nice kissing and telling. Prep school/boarding school hook-ups on campus are common.

[Anonymous]

Accept them for who they are. Treat them with respect, as you would do a friend or spouse. Provide guidance and help if asked, but avoid being authoritarian. Admit, apologize and change if you mess up any of the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:going off the rails because of depression isn't going off the rails. it is a disease.

Parents who have outside priorities often result in depressed children at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:going off the rails because of depression isn't going off the rails. it is a disease.

Parents who have outside priorities often result in depressed children at home.

Let me fix that sentence for you:
Parents who prioritize their families sometimes have depressed children at home too.

[Anonymous]

I developed eating disorder and self harm in middle school. School counselor found out and my mother was enraged. Her response was “how could you do this to me!?” I didn’t get any professional help until years later at which time I had also developed a drinking and drug problem.

In reflection my mother had a really hard time with me not behaving or being the way she thought was right. Everything for her was good/bad, right/wrong, and when she felt I fell on the wrong side she used scorn, shame and blame to basically tear me down until I apologized. This predated the eating disorder but basically not responding by shaming. My mother also often compared me to my siblings and told them not to be bad like me. When my siblings behaved poorly it was always my fault and because of my influence.

This might seem obvious to most but I didn’t realize until much later how I developed an earring disorder as a way of coping with all that I felt was “bad” about me.

I still struggle with an internal critic that is full of self disgust and loathing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I developed eating disorder and self harm in middle school. School counselor found out and my mother was enraged. Her response was “how could you do this to me!?” I didn’t get any professional help until years later at which time I had also developed a drinking and drug problem.

In reflection my mother had a really hard time with me not behaving or being the way she thought was right. Everything for her was good/bad, right/wrong, and when she felt I fell on the wrong side she used scorn, shame and blame to basically tear me down until I apologized. This predated the eating disorder but basically not responding by shaming. My mother also often compared me to my siblings and told them not to be bad like me. When my siblings behaved poorly it was always my fault and because of my influence.

This might seem obvious to most but I didn’t realize until much later how I developed an earring disorder as a way of coping with all that I felt was “bad” about me.

I still struggle with an internal critic that is full of self disgust and loathing.

All of this was me, except for the part about siblings. I was an only child on the receiving end of all that emotional manipulation. I understand, and I cannot begin to tell you how much I feel for you.

[Anonymous]

My parents were really lay-back so I got to experience a lot.

Staying out weekends, drugs, sex... all before 16. I got pregnant by my boyfriend at that time and had an abortion. No one knew.

By 18 I was going to night clubs and had tried all kinds of drugs. I was attractive/good looking (still) and pretty popular too.

I partied and went to college at the same time. Once I got a "real" job, I pretty much quit everything else.

I'm happily married for almost 20 years now. Shhh, my husband has an idea but doesn't know my crazy past.

[Anonymous]

I am not really sure why I started drugs/promiscuity. Honestly? I think it was just because it was fun and seemed cool. So my immature teen brain?

My parents were very involved and very loving and caring. I don't think there was anything they could have done to stop me going down the path I went. But I think their parenting gave me the strength to pull out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not really sure why I started drugs/promiscuity. Honestly? I think it was just because it was fun and seemed cool. So my immature teen brain?

My parents were very involved and very loving and caring. I don't think there was anything they could have done to stop me going down the path I went. But I think their parenting gave me the strength to pull out of it.

+1 My parents were excellent and loving, but I had waaaay too much free time. I absolutely affirm “idle hands make devil’s work” in the case of teenagers. Free time + alcohol is a brutal combination for teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not really sure why I started drugs/promiscuity. Honestly? I think it was just because it was fun and seemed cool. So my immature teen brain?

My parents were very involved and very loving and caring. I don't think there was anything they could have done to stop me going down the path I went. But I think their parenting gave me the strength to pull out of it.

This was my son. Sometimes nothing is going to stop them. You cannot tie them up and lock them in their rooms for 4-5 years. Even with a sport, and activities, he still found time to make bad choices. Mainly vaping and girls. Even when we ensured he was home not going anywhere, we caught girls sneaking in, even with an upstairs bedroom. Teens are creative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is keep them occupied and be around a lot. Being around a lot is not always glamorous because at this age they can at times be pretty surly and unpleasant and act like the last thing on earth they desire is for you to be around a lot.

And also talk when they want to talk. It won't be your timetable. One consistently wants to talk to me right about when I'd like to be really going to bed. But I talk.

So true! I wish my spouse understood this. He gets aggrieved because our DD is rude and surly sometimes and doesn't want to just "hang in" with her - ie watch something she likes, cook something she wants to make, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not really sure why I started drugs/promiscuity. Honestly? I think it was just because it was fun and seemed cool. So my immature teen brain?

My parents were very involved and very loving and caring. I don't think there was anything they could have done to stop me going down the path I went. But I think their parenting gave me the strength to pull out of it.

+1 My parents were excellent and loving, but I had waaaay too much free time. I absolutely affirm “idle hands make devil’s work” in the case of teenagers. Free time + alcohol is a brutal combination for teenagers.

Is it really too much free time though? I think some kids ",go off the rails" anyway. I don't think overscheduling and no free time is the answer.

[Anonymous]

My kid was incredibly wild in middle school but not at 15 seems to have gotten it out of his system. He’s now much more focused on school work and says he doesn’t have time for his “adventures” any longer.

I don’t know what changed - I think he just grew up a lot.