Tell me how teens went off the rails

[Anonymous]

Let’s share stories so we can learn lessons and be better parents to our own kids. I myself had a tortured adolescence and would love to prevent the same thing from happening to my own kids, to the extent I can.

What led to drugs, immoral behavior, and promiscuity for me?

- depression around 14-15 years of age probably associated with hormonal changes
- poor relationship with parents from 7-8th grade. My parents just genuinely didn’t like me and I picked up on it. My mother started working a lot near this age and was more absent.
- older siblings who got me to experiment with and exposed me to drugs, though i perpetuated this behavior on my own for years afterwards
- lack of any real “passions” in terms of sports, extracurricular stuff, etc.
- sensitivity to some “mean girl/mean boy” events that were directed at me in 9th grade

[Anonymous]

My parents were and still are wonderful parents and my teenage years was very mild ,nothing out of the ordinary. I don't really know what to add to this post except maybe just how to parent better in the coming teenage years. I have a 13-year-old who is in 7th grade at the moment and I work full time same hours as her school. My daughter is very studious, quiet and Low key. Open with her on everything, I trust her judgment and we have a open policy on any subject.

I'm basically parenting the same as my parent, except I have a brother that was hard to handle as a kid and he tested my parents on everything. So, my contribution will be to pay attention to your kids, spend time as family, be available when the kid is home, be open-minded, and make sure your kid is involved with family and some type of school activity to keep them occupied.

[Anonymous]

going off the rails because of depression isn't going off the rails. it is a disease.

[Anonymous]

My advice is keep them occupied and be around a lot. Being around a lot is not always glamorous because at this age they can at times be pretty surly and unpleasant and act like the last thing on earth they desire is for you to be around a lot.

And also talk when they want to talk. It won't be your timetable. One consistently wants to talk to me right about when I'd like to be really going to bed. But I talk.

[Anonymous]

I raised my kids to question everything, never be afraid to speak up for yourself, work hard, no one owes you anything, always be a hustler, always be a rebel, take responsibility for your own actions, always have a strict personal code of ethics that you live by, and do not cross your own lines. I was raised by an abusive, controlling mother, and my dad died from a bullet to the head when I was 11, so she had complete control after that. I have a Mach IV personality.

[Anonymous]

Funny, I went off the rails but never used drugs and wasn't promiscuous. I just cut class so much that I got kicked out of my high school, and quit part time jobs for no real reasons of substance, and was super depressed. Barely graduated from high school, then promptly failed out of college, then went to a different one and took double the time it should have to get a degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:going off the rails because of depression isn't going off the rails. it is a disease.

Yes and no. I think you can stay on track if the depression is treated and adequate supports are put in place. I think a lot of depressed adolescents would be less depressed or not depressed at all if their parents were more compassionate and empathetic, and I’d course add in therapy, academic accommodations, and medication and it’s a whole new ballgame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is keep them occupied and be around a lot. Being around a lot is not always glamorous because at this age they can at times be pretty surly and unpleasant and act like the last thing on earth they desire is for you to be around a lot.

And also talk when they want to talk. It won't be your timetable. One consistently wants to talk to me right about when I'd like to be really going to bed. But I talk.

This is key. I had a pretty serious eating disorder from the age of 14 until well into college. I was home alone every afternoon for hours—no activities, no sports, and no parents around—and I would binge and purge repeatedly until they came home from work, and then act like everything was normal. That was my own method of dealing with a whole mess of issues, but for other kids it could be drugs, alcohol, social media addiction, video game addiction, etc.

[Anonymous]

I used drugs and was extremely promiscuous as a teen and when I was 30 I was diagnosed with BP2 disorder.

Just knowing about mental health can do SO much for kids. If my parents had seen my behavior as a symptom of a highly treatable mental illness rather than a defect of morals and character, I can’t imagine how much better my life would be.

What I try to do with my tween:

- empathy empathy empathy. Like truly try to see things from their POV. Parenting and human development books have been helpful.

- Empathic listening, including when my child is criticizing me in a respectful way

- respond to as many bids for attention and affection as I possibly can

- routine

- set firm boundaries (I don’t ask my kids to do something and then let them not do it unless I have a really good reason)

- be a safe place to talk about mental health and feelings

- I don’t pressure my kids to achieve. I offer my help and support instead.

Fingers crossed! What a wild ride parenting is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My advice is keep them occupied and be around a lot. Being around a lot is not always glamorous because at this age they can at times be pretty surly and unpleasant and act like the last thing on earth they desire is for you to be around a lot.

And also talk when they want to talk. It won't be your timetable. One consistently wants to talk to me right about when I'd like to be really going to bed. But I talk.

I agree with this, but a teen can have all of this and still rebel. For some its just a matter of severity. My son really put us through it, but I was home every day (worked full time from the house), and very involved. We talked our heads off, not diatribe's, but discussions. I listened to them as well. He still rebelled. I am grateful that it wasn't worse, but it was still tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My advice is keep them occupied and be around a lot. Being around a lot is not always glamorous because at this age they can at times be pretty surly and unpleasant and act like the last thing on earth they desire is for you to be around a lot.

And also talk when they want to talk. It won't be your timetable. One consistently wants to talk to me right about when I'd like to be really going to bed. But I talk.

I agree with this, but a teen can have all of this and still rebel. For some its just a matter of severity. My son really put us through it, but I was home every day (worked full time from the house), and very involved. We talked our heads off, not diatribe's, but discussions. I listened to them as well. He still rebelled. I am grateful that it wasn't worse, but it was still tough.

This is so important. At the end of the day, kids are people who make their own choices.

[Anonymous]

Boredom. Affluence. Secularism.

A deadly combination that is far too pervasive in this area.

[Anonymous]

Smartphones. Lack of living near family. Age of instant gratification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boredom. Affluence. Secularism.

A deadly combination that is far too pervasive in this area.

I'm sorry, a lack of Jesus-squeezing isn't the answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:going off the rails because of depression isn't going off the rails. it is a disease.

NP. What you're saying is correct; however, I was incredibly depressed. It was a clinical depression caused by a horrible divorce and two neglectful, abusive parents. It's a "disease" (in my instance, and probably the case for many others) that could have been corrected through a loving relationship with present parents.

Not all depression is caused from genetics, hormones, etc. You've implied in your post above that it's a disease that doesn't have a causal relationship.