Why does my mom pull this and what do I even say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When my kid was young I would explain that grandma sometimes struggled with big feelings, just like kids do, and that I had empathy for that but would always make the decision that made the most sense for our family. As she got older I was able to explain more clearly about the dynamic and why I chose to handle it the way I did. My kid is pretty savvy about these sorts of things now and in some ways I think she's benefitted from dealing with someone like my mom because I'm sure she will meet other people like this in life.

Would I have preferred she have an emotionally mature grandmother who understood how to manage her own needs and emotions without manipulation and sympathy-seeking? Of course. But it is what it is and I've made the most of it.

That is SO going to bite you in the ass later.

Why? We've had to provide explanations-lite to our kids about various relatives, and the kids were always pretty good about cooperating to get us through. They're pretty emotionally savvy now, and I think it's because they've learned what is and isn't their responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you explain this to your kid though?

I mean seriously Fuk the grumpy manipulative grandma, what about the kid???

I guess a lot of you grew up with warm fuzzy grandmas. I didn't. We are honest with our kids. We don't want them to end up in relationships where they are easily manipulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I'm an outlier b/c my first thought is that your mom has the stereotypical old-person anxiety. She feels awkward about the dead silence after conversation has ended and there's not much else to say. She probably feels like an inadequate host b/c you're bored . She's trying to give you an "out" by calling you b/c that would help her feel better about not you visiting.

It might seem silly that she's so focused and anxious about a visit that has such long dead silences. For most of us, we're content sitting quietly or just being in the same room watching tv.. We don't have to be talking to show that we (still) enjoy each other's company.
But old people are wired differently. Their perception of a "nice visit" is actively engaging in conversation, telling stories, etc
. I'm guess your mom also offers food and drink ad nauseum?

Yes, it may be true her poor behavior is caused by her anxiety. But the problem is when the grandmother expects everyone to cater to her because of her mild mental health issues. Anxiety is not a pass to be rude & manipulative to others.


My own mother is full of reasons why her own terrible behavior should be understood, permitted, ignored. . . None of it is her responsibility and totally up to her mood at the time. Sometimes we are supposed to tolerate rudeness because of her anxiety and if we loved her we would be understanding. Other times, the exact same behavior, we are supposed to know it's because she is smarter than us, has her master's degree, and as the mother should always be respected. Her mental health needs cannot be my problem.

[Anonymous]

Your mom told you directly: you're seeing her too often, it's boring.

So don't see her as often! Next time, plan on doing something like going somewhere all together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
When my kid was young I would explain that grandma sometimes struggled with big feelings, just like kids do, and that I had empathy for that but would always make the decision that made the most sense for our family. As she got older I was able to explain more clearly about the dynamic and why I chose to handle it the way I did. My kid is pretty savvy about these sorts of things now and in some ways I think she's benefitted from dealing with someone like my mom because I'm sure she will meet other people like this in life.

Would I have preferred she have an emotionally mature grandmother who understood how to manage her own needs and emotions without manipulation and sympathy-seeking? Of course. But it is what it is and I've made the most of it.

That is SO going to bite you in the ass later.

Why? We've had to provide explanations-lite to our kids about various relatives, and the kids were always pretty good about cooperating to get us through. They're pretty emotionally savvy now, and I think it's because they've learned what is and isn't their responsibility.

My guess is PP meant they were going to use those skills on YOU one day when you hit this stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD11 and I had plans to spend the afternoon with my parents tomorrow, as we do about ever other/third weekend. Out of the blue at work today I get a call at work from my mom, telling me we shouldn’t come because last time we came all we did was sit around and not really talk, and that she can tell DD isn’t feeling “connected” to her lately.

Last time we were over we really didn’t talk about much, nothing was really happening in either of our lives. We sat in the living room with my parents TV program on in the background. We small talked current events, the family gossip, etc. DD adores visiting my parents, excitedly brings things to show them, but she’s 11 and can only converse so long before she’s said all there is to say.

I was at work and couldn’t get into it, but that we loved visiting and were looking forward to tomorrow (maybe a mistake, reinforcing the behavior?) She went on… no, no. I can tell we aren’t “connecting”. It’s “hurtful”. Maybe we need a “break”. I don’t know what she wants from me. I remember spending every Sunday at my grandparents and the adults just sat around and did what we do. My siblings and I would sit in the den and watch the TV.

I will call her back later? Call her bluff and say a break is good? I know deep down she is just being needy and wants company. Do I beg forgiveness and tell her we will be there?

I go through the same with my sister. She has terrible anxiety and refuses to acknowledge it or get help. Making plans with her is always 75/25 - 75 % she will cancel and 25% it will be a go. Knowing that, I have never told my kids we were doing anything with her and their cousins until we were getting ready to go. Some things that have helped over the years are just getting together at the same times every year. Even though they live close we really only plan to get together close to our kid's birthday's. This makes it predictable for my sister and helps the situation. Consider if your mom really ever gets together with others. Is her socializing almost non-existent or very predictable, then you can see that it isn't you and your DD. It's her with everyone.

There have been times when I just pushed through and even though my sister didn't want to stick with the plans I just said no we will be there. What usually happened is the first hour she was really grumpy with us and her kids and then eventually she would relax, say how fun it was and that we should do it more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can't help, only commiserate. My mom does a version of this. Will frequently tell me that we're having trouble having phone conversations (I try to call 4-5x week), but there is only so much to say. Then it's on to "I don't have this problem with other people, only you". Uhhh...ok? Next is the "you've changed, I don't understand".

This sounds just like my mom. Sorry, it's so very frustrating.

[Anonymous]

I'm thinking back to how I spent time with my grandmothers at that age. I loved both of them so much and visited for long stretches enthusiastically.

Neither were big bakers so we didn't make cookies together. But one would take me shopping at department stores and fancy lunch after. Great memories. She would also take me to buy these little ceramic animals I was obsessed with. She would let me select one or two.

The other one was a working woman and a competitive dancer. She would take me to the bookstore, the thrift store, her dance classes or drop me off at her beach club.

At their homes, I was allowed to read or watch unlimited cable television and eat Pepperidge farm cookies and goldfish. I was not expected to sit around making conversation.

My mom is an artist and will set up a still life to paint together with my kids. This way she isn't bored off her ass.

Could your mom do something fun with your daughter that both would like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't help, only commiserate. My mom does a version of this. Will frequently tell me that we're having trouble having phone conversations (I try to call 4-5x week), but there is only so much to say. Then it's on to "I don't have this problem with other people, only you". Uhhh...ok? Next is the "you've changed, I don't understand".

This sounds just like my mom. Sorry, it's so very frustrating.

My mom does a version of this, but I have learned to deal with her like anyone with a personality disorder regardless of whether she meets full criteria. With my mom you cannot defend, rationalize or have a discussion because she is always right. I just listen and make an excuse to get off the phone. I would also call less and less until you find your comfort zone. If she questions it, you could be literal and say that you call less since she said she has trouble having conversations with you, but if she's like my mom she cannot even handle that so you just say nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you explain this to your kid though?

I mean seriously Fuk the grumpy manipulative grandma, what about the kid???

I guess a lot of you grew up with warm fuzzy grandmas. I didn't. We are honest with our kids. We don't want them to end up in relationships where they are easily manipulated.

What? Why is warm fuzzy grandma not honest? You sound seriously messed up. Normal grandparents do not manipulate their own grandkids.

[Anonymous]

I really think some of the posters here need to call out their mothers. Tell them directly that you believe they have a personality disorder or tell them you will not tolerate their behavior or how they are treating you or your child. Are you just playing nice in hopes of inheritance or something? I don't understand all this tip toeing around someone you clearly don't like, even if she is your mother.

[Anonymous]

So OP, what happened over the weekend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How

I guess a lot of you grew up with warm fuzzy grandmas. I didn't. We are honest with our kids. We don't want them to end up in relationships where they are easily manipulated.

What? Why is warm fuzzy grandma not honest? You sound seriously messed up. Normal grandparents do not manipulate their own grandkids.

You are not reading or not understanding the post to which you replied.

Poster is stating others may have warm fuzzy grandmother for their kids, but her kids are not getting that relationship. She is honest with her kids that grandmother has some mild mental health/antisocial issues. Letting the kid know it is not the kids' fault, it is grandmother's issues. Setting groundwork for interactions that won't allow grandmother to emotionally manipulate them. This sets standards for what the kids should expect in their own relationships. Just because someone is family or claims to love/care for you, doesn't excuse poor behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think some of the posters here need to call out their mothers. Tell them directly that you believe they have a personality disorder or tell them you will not tolerate their behavior or how they are treating you or your child. Are you just playing nice in hopes of inheritance or something? I don't understand all this tip toeing around someone you clearly don't like, even if she is your mother.

this is about the worst advice there is for personality disorders. Call them out can lead to rage fits and tantrums. You are also not showing any understanding of how complicated this is. I personally don't want to cut of completely, but I also don't have the stomach for rage fits, nor do I want my kids to see them. I play the game to have sort of connection, but I accept it will never be a meaningful connection. I don't dump family completely unless there is major abuse.

[Anonymous]

I'd stop worrying about your mother and worry about your 11 year old. Cut the visits and start protecting your kid from her grandmother. This is the start of an abusive/manipulative dynamic.