Why does my mom pull this and what do I even say?

[Anonymous]

DD11 and I had plans to spend the afternoon with my parents tomorrow, as we do about ever other/third weekend. Out of the blue at work today I get a call at work from my mom, telling me we shouldn’t come because last time we came all we did was sit around and not really talk, and that she can tell DD isn’t feeling “connected” to her lately.

Last time we were over we really didn’t talk about much, nothing was really happening in either of our lives. We sat in the living room with my parents TV program on in the background. We small talked current events, the family gossip, etc. DD adores visiting my parents, excitedly brings things to show them, but she’s 11 and can only converse so long before she’s said all there is to say.

I was at work and couldn’t get into it, but that we loved visiting and were looking forward to tomorrow (maybe a mistake, reinforcing the behavior?) She went on… no, no. I can tell we aren’t “connecting”. It’s “hurtful”. Maybe we need a “break”. I don’t know what she wants from me. I remember spending every Sunday at my grandparents and the adults just sat around and did what we do. My siblings and I would sit in the den and watch the TV.

I will call her back later? Call her bluff and say a break is good? I know deep down she is just being needy and wants company. Do I beg forgiveness and tell her we will be there?

[Anonymous]

I don't know what's going on with your mom or what she really wants/feels.

BUT

I have found the best way to deal with people who are very passive aggressive or who play weird games to try and elicit certain behaviors is to just get very literal with them.

If she says she doesn't want you to come, don't go. You are no longer invited.

If she says you aren't connecting, just accept that's how she feels and that it's reality for her.

If she needs a break from these visits, say okay and make other plans.

You can bring it up again in a month or two and say "Would you like DD and I to come over this weekend? Maybe after this break it will feel like there is more to talk about and share?" And if she says yes, go. If she says no, don't go and give it another couple months.

Just don't engage in the game of trying to guess what she really wants and anticipate those needs. Take her words at face value and act accordingly. If what she really wants is something else, she will need to articulate it clearly. Force her to clearly articulate needs by not playing games with her. It will benefit you both in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Can't help, only commiserate. My mom does a version of this. Will frequently tell me that we're having trouble having phone conversations (I try to call 4-5x week), but there is only so much to say. Then it's on to "I don't have this problem with other people, only you". Uhhh...ok? Next is the "you've changed, I don't understand".

Sigh. In her case it's not age, she's always done some version.

For your mom, can you call again later and try to ask exactly what she wants? To go out and do something? To be more interactice, play board games or something? Bake together? What exactly does she want?

[Anonymous]

Ugh, why are people so...people-y?

I'd just make different plans. "I am sorry you feel that way, I enjoy our visits. Larla and I are going to take the dog hiking tomorrow instead, let me know if you'd like to reschedule for another weekend."

And then maybe make plans to do something together? The weather is nice now, go for a walk, have lunch together outside, plant flowers. Sitting around talking gets old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what's going on with your mom or what she really wants/feels.

BUT

I have found the best way to deal with people who are very passive aggressive or who play weird games to try and elicit certain behaviors is to just get very literal with them.

If she says she doesn't want you to come, don't go. You are no longer invited.

If she says you aren't connecting, just accept that's how she feels and that it's reality for her.

If she needs a break from these visits, say okay and make other plans.

You can bring it up again in a month or two and say "Would you like DD and I to come over this weekend? Maybe after this break it will feel like there is more to talk about and share?" And if she says yes, go. If she says no, don't go and give it another couple months.

Just don't engage in the game of trying to guess what she really wants and anticipate those needs. Take her words at face value and act accordingly. If what she really wants is something else, she will need to articulate it clearly. Force her to clearly articulate needs by not playing games with her. It will benefit you both in the long run.

You have to communicate with the person that you are doing this, otherwise you are just playing a different flavor of the same game, leaving someone wondering what's going on.

[Anonymous]

If she isn't already, this is the beginning of a manipulative and slightly abusive relationship dynamic she's going to adopt with you. Don't placate or try to make her feel better, she won't, will still be unhappy, and will blame you.

Tell her to call you when she wants a visit. Keep it short, like 40 minutes. Maybe around an activity like eating lunch together or coffee & dessert.

[Anonymous]

I used to reinforce this stuff with my mom and it got worse. Now my response would be

Me: "Just to be clear, you don't want us to come, is that correct?"

Mom: fish for compliments, fish for compliments.

Me: I am at work and have to go because I have a meeting. I need a final answer. Do you want us to come or not?"

Mom: "Yes, come."

Then when I see her I am cheerful and do not mention the interaction. If she gets too needy, negative and manipulative I say "Great seeing you mom! We have to leave for X, Y, Z"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what's going on with your mom or what she really wants/feels.

BUT

I have found the best way to deal with people who are very passive aggressive or who play weird games to try and elicit certain behaviors is to just get very literal with them.

If she says she doesn't want you to come, don't go. You are no longer invited.

If she says you aren't connecting, just accept that's how she feels and that it's reality for her.

If she needs a break from these visits, say okay and make other plans.

You can bring it up again in a month or two and say "Would you like DD and I to come over this weekend? Maybe after this break it will feel like there is more to talk about and share?" And if she says yes, go. If she says no, don't go and give it another couple months.

Just don't engage in the game of trying to guess what she really wants and anticipate those needs. Take her words at face value and act accordingly. If what she really wants is something else, she will need to articulate it clearly. Force her to clearly articulate needs by not playing games with her. It will benefit you both in the long run.

You have to communicate with the person that you are doing this, otherwise you are just playing a different flavor of the same game, leaving someone wondering what's going on.

Not the poster you are responding to, but I agree with that poster. You have to play your own game. Take it literally and play chicken. Inevitably my mom would cut the BS and say she wanted us there. Then when she pulls it again same thing. Do not reinforce the behavior. Also, I think you assume these people are rational. Even pre-dementia, my mom became more and more irrational. There was no reasoning or explaining. You had to manipulate things yourself to keep it smooth sailing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what's going on with your mom or what she really wants/feels.

BUT

I have found the best way to deal with people who are very passive aggressive or who play weird games to try and elicit certain behaviors is to just get very literal with them.

If she says she doesn't want you to come, don't go. You are no longer invited.

If she says you aren't connecting, just accept that's how she feels and that it's reality for her.

If she needs a break from these visits, say okay and make other plans.

You can bring it up again in a month or two and say "Would you like DD and I to come over this weekend? Maybe after this break it will feel like there is more to talk about and share?" And if she says yes, go. If she says no, don't go and give it another couple months.

Just don't engage in the game of trying to guess what she really wants and anticipate those needs. Take her words at face value and act accordingly. If what she really wants is something else, she will need to articulate it clearly. Force her to clearly articulate needs by not playing games with her. It will benefit you both in the long run.

You have to communicate with the person that you are doing this, otherwise you are just playing a different flavor of the same game, leaving someone wondering what's going on.

PP here. Not advocating not communicating, I'm just saying keep it literal. If your mom says "I don't want you to come this week" you respond by saying, "OK, we still want to come but I will respect your wishes. I'll check in later next month to see if things have changed." Like you should communicate what you are doing, but you don't have to engage in a back and forth.

The key is that OP is talking about trying to guess as to what her mom actually wants and what is motivating her. And I think that's the worst possible mindset because (1) her mom should just articulate these things, and (2) OP might not guess right. So just be literal and clear. Do not engage in the passive aggression. Be direct and take her at her word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know what's going on with your mom or what she really wants/feels.

BUT

I have found the best way to deal with people who are very passive aggressive or who play weird games to try and elicit certain behaviors is to just get very literal with them.

If she says she doesn't want you to come, don't go. You are no longer invited.

If she says you aren't connecting, just accept that's how she feels and that it's reality for her.

If she needs a break from these visits, say okay and make other plans.

You can bring it up again in a month or two and say "Would you like DD and I to come over this weekend? Maybe after this break it will feel like there is more to talk about and share?" And if she says yes, go. If she says no, don't go and give it another couple months.

Just don't engage in the game of trying to guess what she really wants and anticipate those needs. Take her words at face value and act accordingly. If what she really wants is something else, she will need to articulate it clearly. Force her to clearly articulate needs by not playing games with her. It will benefit you both in the long run.

You have to communicate with the person that you are doing this, otherwise you are just playing a different flavor of the same game, leaving someone wondering what's going on.

PP here. Not advocating not communicating, I'm just saying keep it literal. If your mom says "I don't want you to come this week" you respond by saying, "OK, we still want to come but I will respect your wishes. I'll check in later next month to see if things have changed." Like you should communicate what you are doing, but you don't have to engage in a back and forth.

The key is that OP is talking about trying to guess as to what her mom actually wants and what is motivating her. And I think that's the worst possible mindset because (1) her mom should just articulate these things, and (2) OP might not guess right. So just be literal and clear. Do not engage in the passive aggression. Be direct and take her at her word.

This is what I used to do when I had to deal with my passive aggressive parents. If they'd do that kind of BS, saying the opposite of what they wanted or what we had planned, I'd repeat it back to them and say are you sure that's what you prefer? So if my mom called me at work to cancel a trip, I'd say "Mom, I'm at work and can only talk for a minute, so let me make sure I understand. You're asking me not to bring the kids to visit you tomorrow. Do you want us to come on a different date or do you want to wait a few weeks and see how you feel about us visiting then?" Then if she backtracks and says not to cancel, I usually said I had to get off the phone and ask her to text me with the date and time she thinks is best and I'll try to make it happen, and we'll talk later.

Usually my mom was trying to get me to beg for something so she could feel powerful. When I realized I was just a pawn in her mind games rather than a beloved family member, I quit playing and gave her what she asked for. I also tried to get dates and times in writing so I could refer back to those when she would say I changed the dates and didn't follow through with what we had agreed on. Someone accused me of trying to be punitive once. I don't think I was; I was trying to set boundaries. Call me to cancel? Okay, canceled. That's not a punishment, it's literally what you asked for. And it worked. She stopped trying that when she realized canceling plans with me and my kids wasn't an effective way to get more time with my kids.

[Anonymous]

I would put up with this and reassure mom years ago, but I am so burned out and have dealt with enough truly awful behavior from her (think tantrums) that I only am in her life because I feel obligation, but it's with major boundaries. I no longer give her what she wants. If she cancels I ignore the reason and the attention getting behavior and I calmly say, "no problem." If she she tries to engage I make an excuse to leave. If she calls back and says come I do not answer. If she tries to punish me with silent treatment I enjoy the break. I no longer like my mother. I have lost respect for her after many incidents which sadly for her are not explained by dementia. I had to face she is just a self involved entitled person. She could care less about all the stress I have in my life and I am a pawn. She refuses to get mental health help and I will not enable her to be a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Can you suggest an activity together instead? I dread visiting my in laws because we just sit. Could you go on a walk, visit something like the zoo, do a craft together, bake cookies, etc?

[Anonymous]

How do you explain this to your kid though?

I mean seriously Fuk the grumpy manipulative grandma, what about the kid???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you explain this to your kid though?

I mean seriously Fuk the grumpy manipulative grandma, what about the kid???

When my kid was young I would explain that grandma sometimes struggled with big feelings, just like kids do, and that I had empathy for that but would always make the decision that made the most sense for our family. As she got older I was able to explain more clearly about the dynamic and why I chose to handle it the way I did. My kid is pretty savvy about these sorts of things now and in some ways I think she's benefitted from dealing with someone like my mom because I'm sure she will meet other people like this in life.

Would I have preferred she have an emotionally mature grandmother who understood how to manage her own needs and emotions without manipulation and sympathy-seeking? Of course. But it is what it is and I've made the most of it.

[Anonymous]

Do something outdoors so you don't have to talk. Better in covid times.