“I request that you put on something sexy”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is a GIANT SURE RED FLAG that he is an abusive ahole or anything. But I do think its a very large signal that you are sexually incompatible and you should break up now. You are not into the same freaky stuff he is into, no judgement, just facts. You'll both be happier apart.

I don’t mind putting on sexy clothes. Our kinks are actually pretty similar actually. This isn’t about sex for him but rather what I will or won’t do for him in general.

I mean it seems quite clearly about sex. Maybe not SEX but about flirting and interacting sexually. Or at least, that is the version that is not that much of a red flag but is just clearly not something you are into and therefore you are incompatible. Of course the darker 'he's a controlling ahole and this is the first sign' is a possibility but in my opinion not at all proven based on this conversation.

Regardless, you are incompatible.

[Anonymous]

He’s trying to keep you off balance by making these requests and then putting you down when you won’t do it - it’s a pattern -he’s a narcissist you need to move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is a GIANT SURE RED FLAG that he is an abusive ahole or anything. But I do think its a very large signal that you are sexually incompatible and you should break up now. You are not into the same freaky stuff he is into, no judgement, just facts. You'll both be happier apart.

She is not in to anything. OP is a low sex drive, light out, vanilla type. He is maybe a low sex drive, lights on, vanilla type. They seem incompatible.

So they are both low drive AND incompatible? Get your talking points together before you post incel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s trying to keep you off balance by making these requests and then putting you down when you won’t do it - it’s a pattern -he’s a narcissist you need to move on.

+1.

The biggest flag was him saying if his partner doesn’t feel well and still won’t wear something sexy he’ll get upset and question things. If a partner gets upset because you don’t feel well because you’re not meeting their demands is a huge flag.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been seeing this guy for about 2.5 months. He’s been very attentive, open with his feelings, and overall really sweet but last night he threw me off. He called me and said he was going to call me on FaceTime because he hadn’t seen my face in a while and said, “oh and I request that you wear something sexy”. I paused and said, “what? you request” and he chuckled and confirmed with a yes. He then followed up and said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. I asked him if he would feel slighted if I didn’t (him feeling slighted or not had no bearing on my choice just curious to see his thought process). He said part of the appeal isn’t the sexy clothes but “you doing what I asked you to do” and that he would feel a little slighted if I didn’t but would understand if I didn’t because it’s still so new. However, if we were in a LTR and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t think I looked good that day or just didn’t feel like it (his examples) he would definitely feel slighted and turned off because, “if I ask you to do something small like this and you don’t then it makes me wonder what else won’t you do” *squinted his eyes and chuckled*. The last part I don’t think he meant sexually but in general.

We’re both local and although we have fooled around we haven’t slept together.

Im getting back on the market after a very LTR so I'm pretty guarded, but am I’m a little prudish and hypersensitive for thinking this really really off?

Run. This man is a controlling, entitled loser.

Calm down, amigo! Don't jump the gun and make things worse for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is a GIANT SURE RED FLAG that he is an abusive ahole or anything. But I do think its a very large signal that you are sexually incompatible and you should break up now. You are not into the same freaky stuff he is into, no judgement, just facts. You'll both be happier apart.

She is not in to anything. OP is a low sex drive, light out, vanilla type. He is maybe a low sex drive, lights on, vanilla type. They seem incompatible.

So I’m not into anything and have low sex drive because I didn’t jump at his “request” to wear something sexy? Well that’s an ignorant, and incorrect assumption.

OP don’t feed the incel troll

[Anonymous]

As a guy, I'd never ask for this kind of thing - it seems too early based on what you said about your dating, too (i.e. pre-sleeping together). That doesn't mean that my few girlfriends haven't randomly worn sexy things for me via FaceTime, but that was a lot later in the relationship (i.e. committed). Not trying to put a creeper face on this guy, but he might be trying to record you in your outfit. Or he's trying to verbalize in a weird way that he wants to sleep with you.

[Anonymous]

At the risk of alienating the people who tell couples to communicate, this guy communicated too much of the wrong stuff. Get out!

[Anonymous]

This man has told you that if you decline him because you are not feeling good about yourself, he will be upset. What more do you need to know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At the risk of alienating the people who tell couples to communicate, this guy communicated too much of the wrong stuff. Get out!

PP here, he might be bad at saying "I wish we were more intimate cause I like you a lot" and that message came out weirdly garbled. Not saying he's a total freak, but he's at least got communication problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the risk of alienating the people who tell couples to communicate, this guy communicated too much of the wrong stuff. Get out!

PP here, he might be bad at saying "I wish we were more intimate cause I like you a lot" and that message came out weirdly garbled. Not saying he's a total freak, but he's at least got communication problems.

Then how do you explain him saying if his partner doesn’t feel well and declines his request of putting on something sexy he’ll feel slighted and question things? That doesn’t seem like someone who word vomited. He seemed pretty clear and direct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been seeing this guy for about 2.5 months. He’s been very attentive, open with his feelings, and overall really sweet but last night he threw me off. He called me and said he was going to call me on FaceTime because he hadn’t seen my face in a while and said, “oh and I request that you wear something sexy”. I paused and said, “what? you request” and he chuckled and confirmed with a yes. He then followed up and said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. I asked him if he would feel slighted if I didn’t (him feeling slighted or not had no bearing on my choice just curious to see his thought process). He said part of the appeal isn’t the sexy clothes but “you doing what I asked you to do” and that he would feel a little slighted if I didn’t but would understand if I didn’t because it’s still so new. However, if we were in a LTR and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t think I looked good that day or just didn’t feel like it (his examples) he would definitely feel slighted and turned off because, “if I ask you to do something small like this and you don’t then it makes me wonder what else won’t you do” *squinted his eyes and chuckled*. The last part I don’t think he meant sexually but in general.

We’re both local and although we have fooled around we haven’t slept together.

Im getting back on the market after a very LTR so I'm pretty guarded, but am I’m a little prudish and hypersensitive for thinking this really really off?

Massive childhood issues here. Do not move forward, do not pass go.

How so? Just asking out of curiosity.

Equates love with control, specifically with having requests filled when asked
Is running particular tests to find out how much you care for him — insecure attachment
Informing you he will feel slighted ups the ante, in a long term relationship this means sulks, tantrums, or other punishments
Basically, it’s an overreaction to not getting what he wants. That shows that it’s not this specific thing he wants, but that he has a larger underlying need. Very likely nothing you or anyone does could ever fill that need, and he’s conscious of how much it bothers him that it’s unfilled but is projecting the deficiency on you — something would be wrong with you if you didn’t do it. Red flags everywhere.

A normal person might ask but would definitely take no for an answer without further conditions on when no is “allowable.” Having needs, even unfulfilled ones that linger on at the core of the self, is fine so long as you own it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the risk of alienating the people who tell couples to communicate, this guy communicated too much of the wrong stuff. Get out!

PP here, he might be bad at saying "I wish we were more intimate cause I like you a lot" and that message came out weirdly garbled. Not saying he's a total freak, but he's at least got communication problems.

Then how do you explain him saying if his partner doesn’t feel well and declines his request of putting on something sexy he’ll feel slighted and question things? That doesn’t seem like someone who word vomited. He seemed pretty clear and direct.

+1 he definitely explained what he was feeling and why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the risk of alienating the people who tell couples to communicate, this guy communicated too much of the wrong stuff. Get out!

PP here, he might be bad at saying "I wish we were more intimate cause I like you a lot" and that message came out weirdly garbled. Not saying he's a total freak, but he's at least got communication problems.

Then how do you explain him saying if his partner doesn’t feel well and declines his request of putting on something sexy he’ll feel slighted and question things? That doesn’t seem like someone who word vomited. He seemed pretty clear and direct.

+1 he definitely explained what he was feeling and why.

He didn't say 'doesn't feel well'. He said 'doesn't feel like it'. Those aren't the same things. He said if his partner refuses a small request like putting on sexy clothes for sexy time, and the reason was 'doesn't feel like it' or 'doesn't think they look good that day' he'd feel slighted. Because 'i don't feel WELL' would be a different issue; there wouldn't be any sexy times. Putting on sexy clothes is a small ask of a partner who is willing to wear them, and he'd feel slighted. Then he tried to be jokey about what ELSE wouldn't you do and all the pearl clutchers went crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At the risk of alienating the people who tell couples to communicate, this guy communicated too much of the wrong stuff. Get out!

PP here, he might be bad at saying "I wish we were more intimate cause I like you a lot" and that message came out weirdly garbled. Not saying he's a total freak, but he's at least got communication problems.

Then how do you explain him saying if his partner doesn’t feel well and declines his request of putting on something sexy he’ll feel slighted and question things? That doesn’t seem like someone who word vomited. He seemed pretty clear and direct.

Yeah, agreed, I'm just trying to cut the guy slack because he may suck at communicating. If that's not the case and he's clear/concise with his expectations and potential response, then yes, he's a dirtbag.