“I request that you put on something sexy”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He should dump you. If you were girlfriend material for him, you'd do more than just dress up.

OP you should avoid this guy and also avoid anyone like this as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Specifically: On FaceTime? No way.

In general: Multiple red flags here for me. I would cut bait.

This saying doesn’t work here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is a GIANT SURE RED FLAG that he is an abusive ahole or anything. But I do think its a very large signal that you are sexually incompatible and you should break up now. You are not into the same freaky stuff he is into, no judgement, just facts. You'll both be happier apart.

I don’t mind putting on sexy clothes. Our kinks are actually pretty similar actually. This isn’t about sex for him but rather what I will or won’t do for him in general.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. This is super weird. He is showing you who he is. You should believe him. Do you want to spend the rest of your relationship dressing for him? That is controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is a GIANT SURE RED FLAG that he is an abusive ahole or anything. But I do think its a very large signal that you are sexually incompatible and you should break up now. You are not into the same freaky stuff he is into, no judgement, just facts. You'll both be happier apart.

She is not in to anything. OP is a low sex drive, light out, vanilla type. He is maybe a low sex drive, lights on, vanilla type. They seem incompatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been seeing this guy for about 2.5 months. He’s been very attentive, open with his feelings, and overall really sweet but last night he threw me off. He called me and said he was going to call me on FaceTime because he hadn’t seen my face in a while and said, “oh and I request that you wear something sexy”. I paused and said, “what? you request” and he chuckled and confirmed with a yes. He then followed up and said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. I asked him if he would feel slighted if I didn’t (him feeling slighted or not had no bearing on my choice just curious to see his thought process). He said part of the appeal isn’t the sexy clothes but “you doing what I asked you to do” and that he would feel a little slighted if I didn’t but would understand if I didn’t because it’s still so new. However, if we were in a LTR and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t think I looked good that day or just didn’t feel like it (his examples) he would definitely feel slighted and turned off because, “if I ask you to do something small like this and you don’t then it makes me wonder what else won’t you do” *squinted his eyes and chuckled*. The last part I don’t think he meant sexually but in general.

We’re both local and although we have fooled around we haven’t slept together.

Im getting back on the market after a very LTR so I'm pretty guarded, but am I’m a little prudish and hypersensitive for thinking this really really off?

Almost 3 months and you have not had sex? Yes he is beginning to think you are not interested in sex, you are seeing other people, etc. You are about to get dumped.

We see each other every other week (his little girl stays with him) and for 2 weeks he got Covid and then I was traveling for the holidays so we haven’t spent a lot of one-on-one time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this is a GIANT SURE RED FLAG that he is an abusive ahole or anything. But I do think its a very large signal that you are sexually incompatible and you should break up now. You are not into the same freaky stuff he is into, no judgement, just facts. You'll both be happier apart.

She is not in to anything. OP is a low sex drive, light out, vanilla type. He is maybe a low sex drive, lights on, vanilla type. They seem incompatible.

So I’m not into anything and have low sex drive because I didn’t jump at his “request” to wear something sexy? Well that’s an ignorant, and incorrect assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been seeing this guy for about 2.5 months. He’s been very attentive, open with his feelings, and overall really sweet but last night he threw me off. He called me and said he was going to call me on FaceTime because he hadn’t seen my face in a while and said, “oh and I request that you wear something sexy”. I paused and said, “what? you request” and he chuckled and confirmed with a yes. He then followed up and said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. I asked him if he would feel slighted if I didn’t (him feeling slighted or not had no bearing on my choice just curious to see his thought process). He said part of the appeal isn’t the sexy clothes but “you doing what I asked you to do” and that he would feel a little slighted if I didn’t but would understand if I didn’t because it’s still so new. However, if we were in a LTR and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t think I looked good that day or just didn’t feel like it (his examples) he would definitely feel slighted and turned off because, “if I ask you to do something small like this and you don’t then it makes me wonder what else won’t you do” *squinted his eyes and chuckled*. The last part I don’t think he meant sexually but in general.

We’re both local and although we have fooled around we haven’t slept together.

Im getting back on the market after a very LTR so I'm pretty guarded, but am I’m a little prudish and hypersensitive for thinking this really really off?

Almost 3 months and you have not had sex? Yes he is beginning to think you are not interested in sex, you are seeing other people, etc. You are about to get dumped.

OP, don't listen to the PP above. There is NO "magic number" of months or dates by which one simply MUST have sex, though people on DCUM will claim there is. In another thread, women were posting about how they wished they had not proceeded to sex as quickly as they did with guys they were dating. The women expressed how they felt rushed and like they didn't know these men well but were intimate with them anyway.

Listen to your gut, not to people ragging on you for not having sex on their personal timetable.

As for the guy you describe? RUN. I put some of your post into bold. Those statements are red flags that he is (whether he admits it or not) interested in pushing you not just for sex, but for sex on his terms. That's not a mutual expression of love, it's gratification for one person.

I am concerned by your statement above, after you tell us what he says about how "it makes me wonder what else you (OP) won't do" -- when you say, "I don't think he meant sexually but in general." EITHER way it's a problem. He wants to know if you're going to be submissive or if you're interested in having him tell you what to wear and do -- yes, sexually, OP, and possibly in other ways too.

You have only invested a few months in this dating relationship. Drop him now before you invest any more time in this guy.

If he, or others here, or your friends, say he's joking and you need to get a sense of humor etc. -- well, "I was just joking, you're too uptight" is how a lot of jerks try to make a woman feel she's the problem, when her gut is telling her he's after things she doesn't want to do. Your gut told you to post here because something about this exchange felt "off" to you, right? That tells you, right there, that if it feels off to you, it's off. Be alert to men who test you like this and then try to laugh it off as flirty or a joke. He's told you he'd expect you to do what he asks in an LTR. Only he won't really be asking; he'll be telling you, and will be angry if you disobey.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been seeing this guy for about 2.5 months. He’s been very attentive, open with his feelings, and overall really sweet but last night he threw me off. He called me and said he was going to call me on FaceTime because he hadn’t seen my face in a while and said, “oh and I request that you wear something sexy”. I paused and said, “what? you request” and he chuckled and confirmed with a yes. He then followed up and said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. I asked him if he would feel slighted if I didn’t (him feeling slighted or not had no bearing on my choice just curious to see his thought process). He said part of the appeal isn’t the sexy clothes but “you doing what I asked you to do” and that he would feel a little slighted if I didn’t but would understand if I didn’t because it’s still so new. However, if we were in a LTR and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t think I looked good that day or just didn’t feel like it (his examples) he would definitely feel slighted and turned off because, “if I ask you to do something small like this and you don’t then it makes me wonder what else won’t you do” *squinted his eyes and chuckled*. The last part I don’t think he meant sexually but in general.

We’re both local and although we have fooled around we haven’t slept together.

Im getting back on the market after a very LTR so I'm pretty guarded, but am I’m a little prudish and hypersensitive for thinking this really really off?

Almost 3 months and you have not had sex? Yes he is beginning to think you are not interested in sex, you are seeing other people, etc. You are about to get dumped.

OP, don't listen to the PP above. There is NO "magic number" of months or dates by which one simply MUST have sex, though people on DCUM will claim there is. In another thread, women were posting about how they wished they had not proceeded to sex as quickly as they did with guys they were dating. The women expressed how they felt rushed and like they didn't know these men well but were intimate with them anyway.

Listen to your gut, not to people ragging on you for not having sex on their personal timetable.

As for the guy you describe? RUN. I put some of your post into bold. Those statements are red flags that he is (whether he admits it or not) interested in pushing you not just for sex, but for sex on his terms. That's not a mutual expression of love, it's gratification for one person.

I am concerned by your statement above, after you tell us what he says about how "it makes me wonder what else you (OP) won't do" -- when you say, "I don't think he meant sexually but in general." EITHER way it's a problem. He wants to know if you're going to be submissive or if you're interested in having him tell you what to wear and do -- yes, sexually, OP, and possibly in other ways too.

You have only invested a few months in this dating relationship. Drop him now before you invest any more time in this guy.

If he, or others here, or your friends, say he's joking and you need to get a sense of humor etc. -- well, "I was just joking, you're too uptight" is how a lot of jerks try to make a woman feel she's the problem, when her gut is telling her he's after things she doesn't want to do. Your gut told you to post here because something about this exchange felt "off" to you, right? That tells you, right there, that if it feels off to you, it's off. Be alert to men who test you like this and then try to laugh it off as flirty or a joke. He's told you he'd expect you to do what he asks in an LTR. Only he won't really be asking; he'll be telling you, and will be angry if you disobey.

This part. I bet all of my money that he’s exhibiting other pushy or controlling behaviors since you’ve known him hasn’t he?

[Anonymous]

I can’t tell if his “what else you won’t do” is only related to the bedroom.

At a minimum, sounds like you are sexually incompatible. On the more extreme end, he is controlling in multiple or all aspects of life.

Based on your reaction I would not continue dating him to determine where on the scale this falls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been seeing this guy for about 2.5 months. He’s been very attentive, open with his feelings, and overall really sweet but last night he threw me off. He called me and said he was going to call me on FaceTime because he hadn’t seen my face in a while and said, “oh and I request that you wear something sexy”. I paused and said, “what? you request” and he chuckled and confirmed with a yes. He then followed up and said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. I asked him if he would feel slighted if I didn’t (him feeling slighted or not had no bearing on my choice just curious to see his thought process). He said part of the appeal isn’t the sexy clothes but “you doing what I asked you to do” and that he would feel a little slighted if I didn’t but would understand if I didn’t because it’s still so new. However, if we were in a LTR and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t think I looked good that day or just didn’t feel like it (his examples) he would definitely feel slighted and turned off because, “if I ask you to do something small like this and you don’t then it makes me wonder what else won’t you do” *squinted his eyes and chuckled*. The last part I don’t think he meant sexually but in general.

We’re both local and although we have fooled around we haven’t slept together.

Im getting back on the market after a very LTR so I'm pretty guarded, but am I’m a little prudish and hypersensitive for thinking this really really off?

Massive childhood issues here. Do not move forward, do not pass go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been seeing this guy for about 2.5 months. He’s been very attentive, open with his feelings, and overall really sweet but last night he threw me off. He called me and said he was going to call me on FaceTime because he hadn’t seen my face in a while and said, “oh and I request that you wear something sexy”. I paused and said, “what? you request” and he chuckled and confirmed with a yes. He then followed up and said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. I asked him if he would feel slighted if I didn’t (him feeling slighted or not had no bearing on my choice just curious to see his thought process). He said part of the appeal isn’t the sexy clothes but “you doing what I asked you to do” and that he would feel a little slighted if I didn’t but would understand if I didn’t because it’s still so new. However, if we were in a LTR and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t think I looked good that day or just didn’t feel like it (his examples) he would definitely feel slighted and turned off because, “if I ask you to do something small like this and you don’t then it makes me wonder what else won’t you do” *squinted his eyes and chuckled*. The last part I don’t think he meant sexually but in general.

We’re both local and although we have fooled around we haven’t slept together.

Im getting back on the market after a very LTR so I'm pretty guarded, but am I’m a little prudish and hypersensitive for thinking this really really off?

Massive childhood issues here. Do not move forward, do not pass go.

How so? Just asking out of curiosity.

[Anonymous]

wtf? RUN

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been seeing this guy for about 2.5 months. He’s been very attentive, open with his feelings, and overall really sweet but last night he threw me off. He called me and said he was going to call me on FaceTime because he hadn’t seen my face in a while and said, “oh and I request that you wear something sexy”. I paused and said, “what? you request” and he chuckled and confirmed with a yes. He then followed up and said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. I asked him if he would feel slighted if I didn’t (him feeling slighted or not had no bearing on my choice just curious to see his thought process). He said part of the appeal isn’t the sexy clothes but “you doing what I asked you to do” and that he would feel a little slighted if I didn’t but would understand if I didn’t because it’s still so new. However, if we were in a LTR and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t think I looked good that day or just didn’t feel like it (his examples) he would definitely feel slighted and turned off because, “if I ask you to do something small like this and you don’t then it makes me wonder what else won’t you do” *squinted his eyes and chuckled*. The last part I don’t think he meant sexually but in general.

We’re both local and although we have fooled around we haven’t slept together.

Im getting back on the market after a very LTR so I'm pretty guarded, but am I’m a little prudish and hypersensitive for thinking this really really off?

Almost 3 months and you have not had sex? Yes he is beginning to think you are not interested in sex, you are seeing other people, etc. You are about to get dumped.

We see each other every other week (his little girl stays with him) and for 2 weeks he got Covid and then I was traveling for the holidays so we haven’t spent a lot of one-on-one time together.

It sounds like this is a bridge too far for you. Own and move on. He seems frustrated and is beginning to realize that you are not that comfortable with sexual expression/communication. The question is are you compatible. Does not seem so…it will only get worst. You do it and are uncomfortable and he thinks you are in to it(which means doing it again) or you say no and he is uncomfortable. Do you have crossed the Rubicon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been seeing this guy for about 2.5 months. He’s been very attentive, open with his feelings, and overall really sweet but last night he threw me off. He called me and said he was going to call me on FaceTime because he hadn’t seen my face in a while and said, “oh and I request that you wear something sexy”. I paused and said, “what? you request” and he chuckled and confirmed with a yes. He then followed up and said if I didn’t want to I didn’t have to. I asked him if he would feel slighted if I didn’t (him feeling slighted or not had no bearing on my choice just curious to see his thought process). He said part of the appeal isn’t the sexy clothes but “you doing what I asked you to do” and that he would feel a little slighted if I didn’t but would understand if I didn’t because it’s still so new. However, if we were in a LTR and I didn’t want to do it because I didn’t think I looked good that day or just didn’t feel like it (his examples) he would definitely feel slighted and turned off because, “if I ask you to do something small like this and you don’t then it makes me wonder what else won’t you do” *squinted his eyes and chuckled*. The last part I don’t think he meant sexually but in general.

We’re both local and although we have fooled around we haven’t slept together.

Im getting back on the market after a very LTR so I'm pretty guarded, but am I’m a little prudish and hypersensitive for thinking this really really off?

It seems to me that he originally said it in a jokey/flirtatious way. I would have done it, but if you weren’t feeling it in the moment I don’t think it says anything about you or him or the relationship. The subsequent conversation you had with him is a little weird, though, and may be the red flag that you aren’t compatible.