My mother just told me that she will pray that God will strike me down and that I will die

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry. That must be so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this is not sustainable. Get out of your head that this is something you can or should do. It’s not. You will destroy your health and probably your marriage. And your kids will be hurt too. Plus it’s not safe for your mom. No way your mom ever would have wanted to cause this kind of damage and pain. Do whatever it takes to get her into a memory care facility. Hugs and peace.

This. 1000% This.

[Anonymous]

Turn on the hallmark channel and go in her room to bring her meals. That's it.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. My mom said she wanted to kill me. I interpreted it to mean, “I’m not happy.” I’d see if more medication will help and try hiring a caregiver to be with her part of the time to give you a break.

I sacrificed my own health for elders, and it’s come back to bite me in the rear. Please don’t be like me. Please take of yourself first. I can’t get back what I lost healthwise and wish better for others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to call nursing homes on Monday and find one that has a memory care wing.

+1

You do not have to put your family through this just to prove you're a good daughter.

Find her the help she needs and live your own life.

Just going to pile on here.
"Put on your oxygen mask first, before helping others"

[Anonymous]

As a complete stranger who obviously has a lot of distance from this, the post title made me laugh. That is SO dramatic. I can only imagine the mundane situation it was about too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a complete stranger who obviously has a lot of distance from this, the post title made me laugh. That is SO dramatic. I can only imagine the mundane situation it was about too.

OP, this is the thing...as this person mentioned to an outsider it sounds so over the top ridiculous that it is funny. At least for me though every over the top thing mom said to me felt like a knife. Her terrible tone of voice and glare made it all too stabbing and in my case at least mom had this side to her always she just toned it down more perhaps because her brain was healthier or perhaps because dad was still alive to tell her she was being a jerk. So it helped me to post and talk to a therapist and realize how off the rails mom was, how off the rails I was and that I needed more boundaries. You have to save yourself. Get her out of your house. She does not need to absolute best care that exists, she needs the best care she can afford that will not give you a nervous breakdown. She could live a long time getting nastier and nastier so you need to find something sustainable. I find it a lot easier to get a verbal dagger thrown at me when I can say "OK mom, hope you enjoy the rest of your day. I am going to go now" and then when I get home I leave a message for my therapist if needed to set up an appointment or I just do some enjoyable things to distract myself and I move on. Sometimes my husband and I just make fun of the latest jab between ourselves.

[Anonymous]

OP here with an update. I have already reached out to our local Area Agency on Aging to ask for help finding facilities in northern VA that allow people to start as private pay and then transition to Medicaid when their funds run out. We want her to be somewhere that we can regularly visit her. Having her under our roof is just not sustainable for the long term.

After all the complaining and conspiracy theorizing about about my husband, now her new issue is my kids. She "feels in her heart" that they don't love her, they ignore her, they make fun of her, they don't want her here, etc. And evidently my 10 year old daughter is spoiled and doesn't listen to me. None of this is remotely true and she can't point to a single shred of evidence for any of it, she just "feels it in her heart." She goes on about how unhappy she is being here. So our new party line is that this is only a temporary living situation until we can find her a suitable place where she'd be happier. She goes on about wanting to go back to Hungary (never mind that she's lived in the US for over 50 years, much longer than she ever lived in Hungary) and we tell her that we are not sending her to Hungary because we don't know the eldercare situation there, it would be really hard for us to manage her affairs from overseas, and she's likely never see her kids or grandkids again. The more she declines, the less she wants to speak English. I've heard this is not unusual for older people whose first language is not English. I take the brunt of it because I am her daughter and I am the only one in my family who speaks Hungarian.

Based on what we've seen over the past 3 weeks since she moved in, we think her condition is more advanced than we originally thought – we are just seeing it now because she is with us all day as opposed to us just talking to her on the phone or visiting her as we did when she lived in NJ. I am taking her to see a neurologist at Inova in early March (that's the soonest I could get her in). I will also ask the geriatric psych about these paranoid delusional thoughts and behaviors and ask if a medication change would be appropriate. She's taking Prozac, Seroquel, and Aricept now. Xanax is her rescue medication in the event of a panic attack but she hasn't really needed any of that since she's been with us. She needed it pretty frequently when she was living alone.

I know I should get a therapist and get involved with an Alzheimer's support group but haven't had a moment to myself to arrange it. If any of you PPs who have experience with this could suggest a therapist in the northern VA area, I would be eternally grateful.

[Anonymous]

Nobody should subject their kids to elderly parents in their home.

I’m not being specific to you but I have posted this on this site many time.

They can be abusive and delusional… which means your children live in fear.

They take too much energy from your family, this is not the olden days when many family members pitched in so you had tons of support,

Eventually you will physically hurt yourself trying to lift/move/adjust them… throw your back out etc.

People think being in a “walkable community “ is good for them, but they can’t even cross the street safely… most pedestrian accidents are kids and elderly.

Good luck OP, but move her where the facilities are set up for care and trained staff can care for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here with an update. I have already reached out to our local Area Agency on Aging to ask for help finding facilities in northern VA that allow people to start as private pay and then transition to Medicaid when their funds run out. We want her to be somewhere that we can regularly visit her. Having her under our roof is just not sustainable for the long term.

After all the complaining and conspiracy theorizing about about my husband, now her new issue is my kids. She "feels in her heart" that they don't love her, they ignore her, they make fun of her, they don't want her here, etc. And evidently my 10 year old daughter is spoiled and doesn't listen to me. None of this is remotely true and she can't point to a single shred of evidence for any of it, she just "feels it in her heart." She goes on about how unhappy she is being here. So our new party line is that this is only a temporary living situation until we can find her a suitable place where she'd be happier. She goes on about wanting to go back to Hungary (never mind that she's lived in the US for over 50 years, much longer than she ever lived in Hungary) and we tell her that we are not sending her to Hungary because we don't know the eldercare situation there, it would be really hard for us to manage her affairs from overseas, and she's likely never see her kids or grandkids again. The more she declines, the less she wants to speak English. I've heard this is not unusual for older people whose first language is not English. I take the brunt of it because I am her daughter and I am the only one in my family who speaks Hungarian.

Based on what we've seen over the past 3 weeks since she moved in, we think her condition is more advanced than we originally thought – we are just seeing it now because she is with us all day as opposed to us just talking to her on the phone or visiting her as we did when she lived in NJ. I am taking her to see a neurologist at Inova in early March (that's the soonest I could get her in). I will also ask the geriatric psych about these paranoid delusional thoughts and behaviors and ask if a medication change would be appropriate. She's taking Prozac, Seroquel, and Aricept now. Xanax is her rescue medication in the event of a panic attack but she hasn't really needed any of that since she's been with us. She needed it pretty frequently when she was living alone.

I know I should get a therapist and get involved with an Alzheimer's support group but haven't had a moment to myself to arrange it. If any of you PPs who have experience with this could suggest a therapist in the northern VA area, I would be eternally grateful.

Good for you OP. One of my mom's neurologists was against Aricept and I can't recall why. Seroquel should be helping with the more challenging behavior so if it isn't it may be time for a med adjustment. Yes, the language thing is not uncommon. It's so tough. you may want to reach out to case managers and psychiatric social workers to see if anyone can help you find a placement sooner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody should subject their kids to elderly parents in their home.

I’m not being specific to you but I have posted this on this site many time.

They can be abusive and delusional… which means your children live in fear.

They take too much energy from your family, this is not the olden days when many family members pitched in so you had tons of support,

Eventually you will physically hurt yourself trying to lift/move/adjust them… throw your back out etc.

People think being in a “walkable community “ is good for them, but they can’t even cross the street safely… most pedestrian accidents are kids and elderly.

Good luck OP, but move her where the facilities are set up for care and trained staff can care for her.

I agree with this. A lot of people will post "you are setting an example for your children" and "they took care of us." Even when we just were seeing challenging parents often our kids were learning abuse is OK as long as it's family. Now they are learning abuse is not OK and we have strategies we can use to stop it as soon as it starts. It's OK to keep visits short and leave when they are no longer behaving.It's OK to join a support group and vent. It's OK to meet with the team, share your concerns about abusive behavior and find the right meds to curb the abuse. That is not drugging someone into a zombie. It's about having respect for those people who have to interact with this person and protecting them from physical and emotional abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Turn on the hallmark channel and go in her room to bring her meals. That's it.

I wish I could do this! She'd be like "Uncle Pete" in that movie Soul Food - he just stayed in his room all day watching TV and they'd bring him his meals. But my mom won't stay in her room all the time. At first we had her in our guest room upstairs until her bedroom furniture was brought down from NJ. Then we set up her own private room and full bath in the basement. Much bigger than the guest room and plenty of room for all her furniture, clothes, TV, even her curio cabinet with her beloved knick-knacks. One minute she says she likes her room, the next minute she says why did you put me in the basement, it's cold, I don't want to be here all day by myself, you can't tell me what to do, etc. And then she says she was just fine by herself in NJ. So we can't win! We've taken to calling her the Babadook because she lives in the basement. Lots of gallows humor in our household lately.

[Anonymous]

She (the woman you have loved your whole life) did not mean that.

[Anonymous]

She woke up from a nap and is singing a different tune now - that she wants to stay with us and that she doesn’t want to go somewhere else. At the same time still conspiracy theorizing about my husband and kids. Her brain is all over the place and the back and forth is exhausting. I know this will not get better. I’ve written a detailed e-mail to the geriatric psych telling her about the behaviors and asking whether a change in the meds would be appropriate. Bringing this up during an appointment would not work because my mom wouldn’t remember any of it, would deny it, or would resort to her usual line of “everything is okay and I am doing my best.”

[Anonymous]

Put your husband and family first. Find a nursing home now. It takes a while to find one, so get started now.