My mother just told me that she will pray that God will strike me down and that I will die

[Anonymous]

She has Alzheimer’s but refuses to believe it. She recently moved in with us because she is no longer able to live independently, can’t afford assisted living, and refuses to go to a nursing home. I don’t know how I am going to survive this.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, op. She's broken. This isn't her talking, its her broken brain. I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Big hugs.

[Anonymous]

Make arrangements with the nursing home and drop her off.

[Anonymous]

You are going to call nursing homes on Monday and find one that has a memory care wing.

[Anonymous]

OP, this elder care is so difficult. Can you find a home that specializes in alzheimer's patients? In my area there are a few where they take in 4 or 5 people. Much more affordable. Good luck and a big hug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make arrangements with the nursing home and drop her off.

This. Also work with the team to get her well medicated. It won't take away the nasty talk completely, but it will make it easier to maintain some sort of relationship. Don't be surprised if YOU, the one there for her, sees the worst of it. My mom saves her nastiest behavior for me and when properly medicated she still has breakthrough rage with me.

[Anonymous]

Thank you PPs. I knew this would be tough but today was truly horrible. She’s been with us almost 3 weeks and she’s had some really good days and some not so good days, but today I was frankly scared hearing her paranoid, hateful talk. She hates my husband for no reason she can explain - he has been nothing but kind, patient, and understanding since she has been here. She mostly ignores my kids except to comment on why they’re not wearing slippers in the house (they’ll catch cold if they don’t wear slippers, you see). I’ve taken the month off work to focus on getting her settled in. I’ve organized all of her paperwork, finances, etc which she’s no longer able to handle on her own. We moved her bedroom furniture down from NJ and set up her own private room and bathroom. I attend to her every need, set her up with doctors and specialists, took her to the dentist as she hadn’t gone in 3 years, you name it, we’ve done it all to make her comfortable and safe. And I am still the bad guy because I’ve “ruined her life.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make arrangements with the nursing home and drop her off.

This. Also work with the team to get her well medicated. It won't take away the nasty talk completely, but it will make it easier to maintain some sort of relationship. Don't be surprised if YOU, the one there for her, sees the worst of it. My mom saves her nastiest behavior for me and when properly medicated she still has breakthrough rage with me.

Medication will not help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PPs. I knew this would be tough but today was truly horrible. She’s been with us almost 3 weeks and she’s had some really good days and some not so good days, but today I was frankly scared hearing her paranoid, hateful talk. She hates my husband for no reason she can explain - he has been nothing but kind, patient, and understanding since she has been here. She mostly ignores my kids except to comment on why they’re not wearing slippers in the house (they’ll catch cold if they don’t wear slippers, you see). I’ve taken the month off work to focus on getting her settled in. I’ve organized all of her paperwork, finances, etc which she’s no longer able to handle on her own. We moved her bedroom furniture down from NJ and set up her own private room and bathroom. I attend to her every need, set her up with doctors and specialists, took her to the dentist as she hadn’t gone in 3 years, you name it, we’ve done it all to make her comfortable and safe. And I am still the bad guy because I’ve “ruined her life.”

It’s the dementia. Been there, done that. She cannot help it.

[Anonymous]

I’m a hospice chaplain, OP. I see so much Alzheimers and Dementia both in home and in our inpatient facility. My suggestion is to find a caregivers support group asap. That will help more than you know. You might also look into respite type programs that will keep her for a few hours several times a week. You need to find a way to take care of yourself.

Most importantly, remember that this is not your mom talking. It’s really difficult to internalize this. But, your mom is not aware of her words or of how they affect you. She cannot control them. She may remember some and feel regret. But at the time, she has no idea what she is communicating. Sometimes it helps to view Alzheimers patients the way you would a young child. You would never treat them like children, of course. But assume toddler level emotional regulation.

My MIL has Alzheimers. I’ve known her since I was 16. We have always had a close, loving relationship. She called me a bi7ch yesterday. And it stung. It’s not her. It’s the Alzheimers. And it just sucks. I’m really sorry you are struggling. Unfortunately, it only gets worse as time passes. Take steps now to protect your mental health and that of your family. Start researching long term care facilities. At some point, she may become more than you can physically manage. Talk to her doctor about anti-anxiety meds. They can be especially helpful late in the afternoon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to call nursing homes on Monday and find one that has a memory care wing.

+1

You do not have to put your family through this just to prove you're a good daughter.

Find her the help she needs and live your own life.

[Anonymous]

She is on medication for her depression and anxiety which were the first signs of her decline, which started a little over 3 years ago. When she lived alone she had panic attacks and took Xanax for that. She’s also on Aricept for the memory loss, plus meds for thyroid, blood pressure and cholesterol. Fir an 80 year old she is remarkably healthy physically. The mental decline is much harder to deal with than any physical issue would be.

[Anonymous]

You will have your mental health destroyed. If physically assisting her frequently, expect back troubles. The mental health of your children will also be impacted. Your marriage will become strained under the stress.

Explore additional support options.

[Anonymous]

And tomorrow she will likely wake up and not remember any of what she did or said today. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde.

[Anonymous]

She has lost the will to live and often says she wishes she could just go to sleep and not wake up. After today, I am wishing the same. This is no way to live. But I know that people with Alzheimer’s can live for many years after they are diagnosed. I can’t imagine dealing with this for another 5 or 10 years, but it could happen.