Friends who disappear during a difficult time

[Anonymous]

This happened to me. About a year ago, I made plans to go on a walk with a long time friend (we weren't going to meet indoors due to the pandemic). Then prior to our meeting up, I found out my parents had COVID. I texted my friend to tell her. The next day she said she had to cancel and would call me later. (My parents lived across country so there wasn't a concern that I had gotten COVID from them.) A couple weeks later, my mom died. I never heard from my friend, not even "I'm sorry for your loss" on Facebook. Nothing. Then a couple months later she started commenting on my Facebook posts like nothing had happened. It was SUPER WEIRD. This is a friend who I have had for 30 years!

I'm going to be honest, I haven't gotten over it. I still exchange a superficial text with her once in a while but my opinion of her has fundamentally changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend going through incredibly difficult time and I have stopped texting her. I was there in the beginning offering love and support and would text every week to let them know I was thinking about them. I stopped hearing from her a few months ago and my last few texts were never returned. I received no response. I put holiday cookies on her porch and heard nothing. My assumption is that they need space and when they have time to come up for air they will reach out. I'll always be here, but if you don't reach out, I can't know that you need to hear from me.

I’ve encountered similar. Not getting any acknowledgment but then hearing from the aggrieved friend how much *other* people were helping and so supportive.

In my case, I just stopped.

[Anonymous]

You don't know what other people have going on. I have so many close friends who have a lot going on that i've had to pick and choose whom to be there for and whom not to be there for. I cannot be everything for everyone and be the person I need to be for my family. There's only so much people can give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends are fleeting and you're better off expecting very little from them. Family is what counts. That's why I feel so sorry for so many DCUM women who do nothing but complain about theirs.

Not to side track, but my friends and husband and way more supportive than my family. Those of us who complain about family often have pretty nasty family members.

Sorry to hijack, OP, and I am sorry your friend let you down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. About a year ago, I made plans to go on a walk with a long time friend (we weren't going to meet indoors due to the pandemic). Then prior to our meeting up, I found out my parents had COVID. I texted my friend to tell her. The next day she said she had to cancel and would call me later. (My parents lived across country so there wasn't a concern that I had gotten COVID from them.) A couple weeks later, my mom died. I never heard from my friend, not even "I'm sorry for your loss" on Facebook. Nothing. Then a couple months later she started commenting on my Facebook posts like nothing had happened. It was SUPER WEIRD. This is a friend who I have had for 30 years!

I'm going to be honest, I haven't gotten over it. I still exchange a superficial text with her once in a while but my opinion of her has fundamentally changed.

This right here. And you don’t have to get over it.

I am the survivor of a traumatic event that was extensively publicized in my community, and the way other people did (and especially didn’t) acknowledge it fundamentally changed those relationships and how I saw them as people. Sorry OP - you are not alone. Folks, there are some situations where “I also had a lot going on” or “It was awkward and I didn’t know what to do” is not going to work, ever. OP, I can tell you that you WILL get to a place where it no longer feels like a loss but a good riddance, and the absence of this person will allow room for better people to fill up your time.

[Anonymous]

PP and wanted to say that people are just weird about stressful or traumatic events.

My local father lived in a nursing home for years after a stroke. I just about disappeared from my then SAHM life - once my DC went to school, I’d typically drive out for a family care meeting (so many of these), to provide some respite care for my stepmom back at their house
or just visit my father. Not going to lie, this was a grueling schedule and on days I wasn’t visiting, I’d often shop for my stepmom or try to take a break.

A few-very few-supposed friends noticed I wasn’t around as much; to those who asked, I explained. But mostly at larger gatherings I’d get comments that they hadn’t seen me and when I mentioned my dad’s situation, total silence or muttering.

We’re all self-involved. I was then - just so hyper focused on my dad and my family that’s all I had room for in my head.

When my dad died, many of these same “acquaintances” expressed surprise, said they didn’t know my dad had been ill.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what it is you’re going through OP but give your friend the benefit of the doubt and check in with her.

Reasons why sometimes I pull away from friends:
- too much anger. I can handle friends being sad, lonely, frustrated, grieving, but any friend who is cursing and angry chronically I have to step away from because I find it too much for me to handle.
- them thinking their problems are bigger than mine, and not asking how I’m doing. I had one friend I dropped because she just went on and on about how she was so depressed about the election while I was much busier and going through serious health issues, my problems were acute and real and she was bringing me down.

[Anonymous]

Op, there is no reason to think your hard time isn't overlapping with some hard time they are going through

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend going through incredibly difficult time and I have stopped texting her. I was there in the beginning offering love and support and would text every week to let them know I was thinking about them. I stopped hearing from her a few months ago and my last few texts were never returned. I received no response. I put holiday cookies on her porch and heard nothing. My assumption is that they need space and when they have time to come up for air they will reach out. I'll always be here, but if you don't reach out, I can't know that you need to hear from me.

I recently went through something really awful. Several of my friends would text me something along the lines of “No need to respond, but wanted to let you know I love you and I’m thinking about you.” I really appreciated it.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, it's easier to just not respond to have to tell people the truth, either about themselves or about the other people.
Who knows, they may be struggling with something that you wouldn't understand and it's easier to not talk about it. You never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there, OP. It stinks. Someone I thought was a very close friend totally checked out when my mom died suddenly and it really altered our friendship going forward. On the flip side, some unexpected people reached out and kept reaching out and it made a terrible time more tolerable. I’m sorry you’re struggling, OP, and I hope things improve for you.

Is there any way the silent friends could apologize that would be okay? I was going through a tough personal time when my friend's mom died and I sent some texts and meant to send flowers and a loving card... And I didn't. I'm so ashamed, but don't know how to remedy.

I am not the PP. Do you feel you can make yourself vulnerable and reach out to your friend? Write a letter or email, ask to meet in the park, and be honest? If a friend abandoned me in my time of need but later was honest, expressed remorse, and changed her behavior moving forward, I would at least be open to the idea of rekindling the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend going through incredibly difficult time and I have stopped texting her. I was there in the beginning offering love and support and would text every week to let them know I was thinking about them. I stopped hearing from her a few months ago and my last few texts were never returned. I received no response. I put holiday cookies on her porch and heard nothing. My assumption is that they need space and when they have time to come up for air they will reach out. I'll always be here, but if you don't reach out, I can't know that you need to hear from me.

I recently went through something really awful. Several of my friends would text me something along the lines of “No need to respond, but wanted to let you know I love you and I’m thinking about you.” I really appreciated it.

I like this. I might try it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Friends are fleeting and you're better off expecting very little from them. Family is what counts. That's why I feel so sorry for so many DCUM women who do nothing but complain about theirs.

Not to side track, but my friends and husband and way more supportive than my family. Those of us who complain about family often have pretty nasty family members.

Sorry to hijack, OP, and I am sorry your friend let you down.

Interesting that you consider your husband in the friend category and not the family one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Been there, OP. It stinks. Someone I thought was a very close friend totally checked out when my mom died suddenly and it really altered our friendship going forward. On the flip side, some unexpected people reached out and kept reaching out and it made a terrible time more tolerable. I’m sorry you’re struggling, OP, and I hope things improve for you.

Is there any way the silent friends could apologize that would be okay? I was going through a tough personal time when my friend's mom died and I sent some texts and meant to send flowers and a loving card... And I didn't. I'm so ashamed, but don't know how to remedy.

I am not the PP. Do you feel you can make yourself vulnerable and reach out to your friend? Write a letter or email, ask to meet in the park, and be honest? If a friend abandoned me in my time of need but later was honest, expressed remorse, and changed her behavior moving forward, I would at least be open to the idea of rekindling the friendship.

Maybe. We're on opposite sides of the country, but hoping to get together this summer. I should write a letter in the meantime. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Big virtual hugs OP!

People, friends, react all different ways to others' stressful and crisis situations. Perhaps she cannot take on one more thing emotionally. My sister lost her husband last year (non-covid), and then her job all in the same month. A real 1-2 punch emotionally and financially (a paycheck to paycheck household). Fortunately, many stepped up for her. We talked every night for months (she is not local) and this may have come at the expense of giving my time or ear to some of my friends, also having a hard time during the pandemic with virtual schooling, health, etc. There is a lot to balance. As others have suggested, please drop your friend a text. Sometimes a month or two will go by and I realized I have not been in contact with person X. And I feel bad about it, and then procrastinate until another week goes by.