Friends who disappear during a difficult time

[Anonymous]

I’m going through a very hard time right now, perhaps the hardest time of my life. One of my closest friends has really shocked and disappointed me in that she has completely disappeared. I would never have expected that of her in a million years and I have to admit that it’s hurt me. I’ve always been a very independent person and I’m not accustomed to being or feeling vulnerable or “needy” and I hate it.

To be honest, I don’t actually “need” anything, either practical or emotional. I’m not necessarily wanting to talk about things and I don’t need meals or anything else for that matter. But a quick text to let me know she’s thinking of me every now and then would be nice. I just don’t understand her complete lack of care; it is unimaginable to me in that I’ve never disappeared on a friend like that and never would.

I think because I’m vulnerable right now this is getting to me more than it normally would and I’m kind of letting it wash over me and affect how I’m coping or thinking about my situation. How can I snap out of it and just let it go and focus on the people who have shown up (and even pleasantly surprised me)?

[Anonymous]

It hurts but it happens sometimes. Go where the love is, meaning try to keep close to peoe that are showing you they care about you even in these challenging circumstances. Hugs

[Anonymous]

*people

[Anonymous]

I am sorry to hear this OP. They're not a true friend and they have poor character.

For what it's worth I was dating someone seriously when a close friend of mine died by suicide. The guy I was dating literally disappeared for 2 weeks - I didn't see him. He clearly couldn't deal with the situation. I was just in shock, because of the death. I wwasn't weeping / talking / anything, just quiet. And he couldn't deal with me being quiet.

I hasten to add I broke up with him. Forever.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, i have been there and it is so awful, an extra layer of heartache and bewilderment during an already terrible time. I especially relate to being so galled by the bad behavior of a close friend that it eclipsed the good done by others. A therapist had me write down the names of all the people who did show up, carry that paper around with me and look at it when I thought about the hurtful person. This DID help. Best of luck - nothing has reshuffled (at best) and outright nuked (at worst) the relationships in my life like going through a personal hell. It is incredibly unfair to have the relationship blindsides be part of another trauma.

[Anonymous]

Some people are oblivious to what to do and how to respond and even that you need them to do so. It's not an excuse, it's just reality. Go ahead and reach out, talk to them and say hey this is a really hard time, would you mind texting me next week to check in? If you say they should just know to do this, then really you are being just as oblivious as they are. People can't read your mind and not everyone is as emotionally intuativie.

[Anonymous]

Although I think many are generally worn out and struggling right now, and that's important to keep in mind, this does sound like someone who needs to be relabeled "acquaintance."

[Anonymous]

Does your friend know this is what you need? Have they offered physical/emotional support and been rebuffed? If they just have gone radio silent since you told them you were having a hard time then yeah that sucks. I have friends I am close to but have to sort of reclassify as “not helpful in a crisis” because they have flaked when I needed them in the past. I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this, OP. I hope you have other friends who are pleasantly surprising you with their support.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, OP. What a tough situation. If it helps at all, remember there’s always a chance that your friend is dealing with something right now too and doesn’t want to burden you with the knowledge.

The first years of my DC’s life were incredibly difficult, for a few reasons but mostly thanks to postpartum depression so bad that it turned into postpartum psychosis and I hospitalized myself. I was sensitive about it for the obvious reasons and never told anyone. A friend suffered a tragic loss during that time, and I was the person who disappeared on her. I’m not usually prone to psychological coping mechanisms, but in this case my mind just blanked out the whole situation because emotionally I couldn’t deal with even thinking about her grief, much less reaching out. When I “came to” a year or two later, I was horrified with myself.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend going through incredibly difficult time and I have stopped texting her. I was there in the beginning offering love and support and would text every week to let them know I was thinking about them. I stopped hearing from her a few months ago and my last few texts were never returned. I received no response. I put holiday cookies on her porch and heard nothing. My assumption is that they need space and when they have time to come up for air they will reach out. I'll always be here, but if you don't reach out, I can't know that you need to hear from me.

[Anonymous]

It could help to ask yourself if your friend has changed — or if your expectations have changed. If your friend doesn’t usually initiate frequent contact, then it could be that her behavior is the same as it always has been, but your expectations of her have changed. She could be giving you space. She could also be having difficulties of her own. In your place, I’d reach out and ask clearly for what I wanted, and see what her response might be.

As others have noted, many of us have been under quite a lot of stresses of multiple kinds, for a very long time. I’m not even clear from your post that she’s “disappeared “, since you haven’t given a timeline and have indicated that you don’t “need” anything, but would appreciate a check-in. In your place, I’d reach out to my friend, see how she’s doing, and let her know how much I value keeping in touch. If you haven’t had this type of conversation, then it’s quite possible that clearly communicating your current needs might easily get you the caring attention and connections that you would like.

Although you say that you would never disappear on a friend like that, if you haven’t reached out to her either, then you have no way of knowing how she is experiencing this relative lack of contact.

I’m not suggesting that you should reveal more details OP, but if your friend clearly knows that you’re in distress, would like to connect, and it’s been weeks or even months beyond your usual types of connections, my take on this would be different vs. realizing that your expectations have changed in ways that you haven’t clearly communicated to your friend over the course of a relatively short period of time.

tldr: Does your friend know that you’d like her to reach out?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. This happens to more of us than you'd think so know you are not alone in feeling abandoned by a friend during a time of need. It really does help to focus on those who DO show up, even if it's just one person.

It's also hard because it makes you reassess the friendship on top of everything else you're going through. It's a lot.

I've had this happen to me and it was hard to realize our friendship wasn't what I thought it was. On the other hand, it makes me immensely grateful for the friends who do show up - and it serves as a reminder to me that I need to make sure I show up for the people who are important to me regardless of whatever I may be dealing with in my own life. I focus on being the kind of friend I'd like to have.

[Anonymous]

So sorry OP. You also don't know if she's possibly going through something herself that she doesn't want to make public.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your friend doesn't realize what you need right now. Maybe they think space might be better than constantly checking in. Their actions might be completely unintentional. My friend recently scolded me for not reaching out to ask how her mom is doing--her mom has been battling cancer for a very long time. In the beginning I would ask questions and would be rebuffed and it seemed like she didn't want to reveal details or talk about it. now the cancer has gotten worse, things have gotten worse and she let me know I should be asking more about her mom, so I have. I know it's hard to do this, but maybe communicate to your friend--hey haven't heard from you in a while. want to make sure you're okay. things haven't been so great for me lately. would love to hear from you and go from there.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, everyone. Your words are very helpful and have given me good perspective.