Having Doubts About Girlfriend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating my girlfriend for six months, and while I’m happy, I have some worries about the relationship. She told me on the first date that she was looking to get married and settle down, which I understood and respected. I’m at a place in my life where I want the same thing too. She has had a timeline of when she wants to be married and have her first kid. I can’t help but wonder if she loves and sees a future with me, or if I just fit into her plan. One of her best friends admitted that she was not super in love with her husband at the time, but he fit most of wants, and she was ready to get married and started a family. My girlfriend said she understood and sometimes you have to settle a little in order to get the life you want. I’ve asked her about it and she said she loves me and she would not marry if she was sure, but I have this nagging feeling that I’m just one of the many guys she can fit into the role of her husband. Sometimes I think it’s crazy and I’m a paranoid, and other times I think it’s valid and worried about it. I love her and see my life with her, but I wonder if she feels the same way.

OP, the truth is that everyone wants what she wants. Yes, you too. If you didn't meet her, you'd be dating and marrying some other woman. If she didn't meet you, she'd be dating and marrying some other guy. We are all called to want something and leverage other people to achieve it. There is nothing unique about any of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men do the same thing, OP. They date and date and then decide they're ready to settle down and do the whole wife and kids thing. Whoever they're dating at that point is who becomes Mrs. It's not that complicated.

Agreed, I did this with my DW. It also helps that she's intelligent, successful, hardworking, we share the same politics, and she's attractive. Right time, right place, right person. That said, she's not the only woman in the world who I could spend my life with - I'm sure there are multiple people in the world I would've gladly married had I met them.

OP - you're overthinking this and anxiously looking for trouble. She's either going to be a great partner for you....or she's not. Be honest with your feelings and make your decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men do the same thing, OP. They date and date and then decide they're ready to settle down and do the whole wife and kids thing. Whoever they're dating at that point is who becomes Mrs. It's not that complicated.

Agreed, I did this with my DW. It also helps that she's intelligent, successful, hardworking, we share the same politics, and she's attractive. Right time, right place, right person. That said, she's not the only woman in the world who I could spend my life with - I'm sure there are multiple people in the world I would've gladly married had I met them.

OP - you're overthinking this and anxiously looking for trouble. She's either going to be a great partner for you....or she's not. Be honest with your feelings and make your decision.

+1

I’m very happily married to DH for almost 15 years.

In my late 20s every guy I dated I was screening for marriage. I met this amazing guy and we were dating for a few months but he was about to head off the medical school and wasn’t ready to settle down or start a family in the next few years. I broke it off and was sad for a very long time but obviously the timing was off.

A year later I met my DH and there was also an immediate connection. Obviously we are now happily married with kids, so I consider him “the one”, but if it hadn’t been him it probably would have been someone else. Doesn’t mean I’m any less crazy about DH to acknowledge that.

[Anonymous]

When a woman wants to get married, she does. When she wants to get pregnant, she does. I'd be very concerned too that you just happened to be the right puzzle piece at the right time. Read this board if you want to see your future. There are 100 posts by woman who say, after they had the kids, they have no interest in their husband but, you know, he's a good provider and all that... You want real passion for each other in a marriage. She should want that. Not just a sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

Ask her ?

[Anonymous]

I think you may be putting too much stock behind the word "settling." No choice is perfect - I bought a house and I love my house and am happy with my choice, but I also mourn the sense of freedom that came with renting. People with children love their children but also settled for a life that is different than a pre-child life they may have also loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a woman wants to get married, she does. When she wants to get pregnant, she does. I'd be very concerned too that you just happened to be the right puzzle piece at the right time. Read this board if you want to see your future. There are 100 posts by woman who say, after they had the kids, they have no interest in their husband but, you know, he's a good provider and all that... You want real passion for each other in a marriage. She should want that. Not just a sperm donor.

+1. You’re just the guy she chooses to kick in the moment.

[Anonymous]

OP ask yourself these questions

1. if she gained 50lbs would you still love her
2. if she went bald through illness would you still love her
3. if she was unable to conceive would you still love her

if yes to all the above you're doing ok

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a woman wants to get married, she does. When she wants to get pregnant, she does. I'd be very concerned too that you just happened to be the right puzzle piece at the right time. Read this board if you want to see your future. There are 100 posts by woman who say, after they had the kids, they have no interest in their husband but, you know, he's a good provider and all that... You want real passion for each other in a marriage. She should want that. Not just a sperm donor.

Men do this too. In fact, timing is a factor for men far more than it is for women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP ask yourself these questions

1. if she gained 50lbs would you still love her
2. if she went bald through illness would you still love her
3. if she was unable to conceive would you still love her

if yes to all the above you're doing ok

I don't think OP doubts these things? His question is whether she feels this way about him. Valid questions is he is wondering if she does.

[Anonymous]

OP: How is she in bed? That's key.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been dating my girlfriend for six months, and while I’m happy, I have some worries about the relationship. She told me on the first date that she was looking to get married and settle down, which I understood and respected. I’m at a place in my life where I want the same thing too. She has had a timeline of when she wants to be married and have her first kid. I can’t help but wonder if she loves and sees a future with me, or if I just fit into her plan. One of her best friends admitted that she was not super in love with her husband at the time, but he fit most of wants, and she was ready to get married and started a family. My girlfriend said she understood and sometimes you have to settle a little in order to get the life you want. I’ve asked her about it and she said she loves me and she would not marry if she was sure, but I have this nagging feeling that I’m just one of the many guys she can fit into the role of her husband. Sometimes I think it’s crazy and I’m a paranoid, and other times I think it’s valid and worried about it. I love her and see my life with her, but I wonder if she feels the same way.

If she fits into your plano and you do love her then having doubts or interpreting her thoughts is silly. If you have doubts about her fitting well in your heart or life then that’s an entirely different discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When a woman wants to get married, she does. When she wants to get pregnant, she does. I'd be very concerned too that you just happened to be the right puzzle piece at the right time. Read this board if you want to see your future. There are 100 posts by woman who say, after they had the kids, they have no interest in their husband but, you know, he's a good provider and all that... You want real passion for each other in a marriage. She should want that. Not just a sperm donor.

No women married solely for sperm donor or financial sponsorship, even if she is settling, she must loves you at some level. Even if ticking biological clock makes you look like a better option than you are, what’s wrong with that if she isn’t forcing you or herself, nobody is perfect and everyone settles in one way or the other. These are real human relationships, not movie or novel’s perfect romance between perfect people.

[Anonymous]

Happily married to my DH - sex is good, he’s a good father, love his sense of humor etc. But in choosing those attributes, I gave up others (he’s not that tall, he doesn’t like to go dancing…) Anytime we choose one thing, we don’t choose something else. Some people consider that settling. I’ve met a handful of men in my life where I’ve thought “he’s really interesting” or “he’s really cute” and might have pursued it were I single. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When a woman wants to get married, she does. When she wants to get pregnant, she does. I'd be very concerned too that you just happened to be the right puzzle piece at the right time. Read this board if you want to see your future. There are 100 posts by woman who say, after they had the kids, they have no interest in their husband but, you know, he's a good provider and all that... You want real passion for each other in a marriage. She should want that. Not just a sperm donor.

+1. You’re just the guy she chooses to kick in the moment.

+1. Run. Do not look back.