At what age did you become your parents' "parent"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was 13. My parents have serious mental health issues.

I am so sorry! I hope you got some good therapy to process all that!

NP here. I remember starting in elementary school. My mom has major depression and my dad is an addict, and I remember my grandparents getting me a dress-up nurse costume that I actually used to bring them food while they were passed out. My grandparents eventually took us in, but lots of therapy. Now that they're divorced and both need more direct care (I'm 40s, they're 70s), I'm burned out already.

[Anonymous]

My mother started to go downhill from Parkinsons and Type2 Diabetes when she was 70. She died when she was 77.

I was 40. I am now 60 and my father is 93 living in his home with full time care.

I am fortunate that I never had to directly care for either of my parents. But as many of us know, children (now adults usually) still worry and do their best to manage their parents needs and concerns.

I still feel very sandwiched and I can't even imagine what it would be like to physically provide the care to elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your mother handled a lot of these things and your dad is a bit lost without her. It’s only been a couple years.

This is what I thought too. Women do all the relationship work.

[Anonymous]

I’m 37. My mom has been suffering from dementia for 5 years (it started when she was about 65 and she’s now 70) and is now in the late stages and probably has a few months or so left to live we think. We have been helping my dad care for her at home up until recently when she finally had to go to a psychiatric hospital and now we’re trying to get her moved to a dementia care nursing home. Throughout her illness, we’ve also had to start caring for my dad too as he doesn’t seem mentally or physically able to handle caring for her, himself and their household. We also have 2 young kids. It’s a very difficult, sad phase of life when your parents get old and sick and can’t care for themselves anymore.

[Anonymous]

I feel sad and tired just reading this thread.

My father died when I was 30 and I still felt very much like a kid (although I had my own child) - my mom, who was in her early 70s, managed his care entirely on her own. She moved in with me in her early 80s, and it was only around 84 that I really started to feel sandwiched/like a “parent.” There was a lot of what an earlier poster described - picking up slack while she maintained control. The last couple of years of her life (she died six months ago) were a misery - my partner and I felt super stretched between caring for her and our kids, and I know she felt trapped being stuck with us due to COVID. Not the way any of us would’ve liked things to play out, obviously.

FWIW - I’m an only child and my parents had me when they were 42 and 46. I can’t help think about how many people will be in my position in the future given changing trends in childbearing.

[Anonymous]

I was 14. Mom had severe mental illness.

[Anonymous]

I am in my mid-30s and have a toddler. Over the Thanksgiving break, it occurred to me that my MIL is very similar to having a teenager. She is totally autonomous and yet needs to be told to wear a coat because it’s cold or to bring a bottle of water for a car ride, etc. I work with teenagers and having her with us felt like when I would take teenagers on field trips.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been on my mind since I read it and I want to check in. I’m a 37 year old mother of 3, I’m an only child. My mom (long divorced) is 74 and she has been just awful to me for the last 3-4 years. I stopped talking to her in May 2021 when she told me she hated the crappy Mother’s Day present I sent her and that raising me was such a waste of money and time.

Is that the sort of thing people mean when they say they are parenting their parents? Or is this abnormally bad? I have no place for comparison, all I know is that I cannot take abuse like this from her while also raising young kids and working in a pandemic.

I'm sorry OP My mom became mean and nasty as she neared what was the eventual end, due to heart attack. I didn't think she had dementia, but after her death I am not so sure. It was part of it, as I took the abuse while helping her. The main thing is to figure out how to help her without letting the meanness get to you. Like I just ignored any drama about presents, and kept a running list of what she did and didn't seem to like in my phone.

If you aren't already seeing a therapist, I would do so, and explain the situation. It was really really difficult. Basically it's like dealing with a really mean large toddler who now hates you for no apparent reason.

Op of this quote here- I truly do not think I can do it with her. She has always been mean and difficult at times, always hard to get along with people, but she has just been beyond the pale for many years. I am seeing a therapist who encourages me to not talk to her (my mom) as i am very much struggling with my kids and covid related stress for work. Can you recommend any other resources?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been on my mind since I read it and I want to check in. I’m a 37 year old mother of 3, I’m an only child. My mom (long divorced) is 74 and she has been just awful to me for the last 3-4 years. I stopped talking to her in May 2021 when she told me she hated the crappy Mother’s Day present I sent her and that raising me was such a waste of money and time.

Is that the sort of thing people mean when they say they are parenting their parents? Or is this abnormally bad? I have no place for comparison, all I know is that I cannot take abuse like this from her while also raising young kids and working in a pandemic.

Sorry, pp, sounds terrible. I think when people talk about parenting, it means more time with them (organizing appointments, etc.), not less.

NP here. These were the kind of things my grandmother would say to me and my mother when she lived with us that were the first signs of dementia. I am so sorrhiy your mother has spoken to you like this; it is incredibly hurtful. But maybe these are signs of a bigger picture and aren't her true feelings. I send you hugs and wish you luck.

Thank you for this. My mom has always been mean and difficult, but wasn’t a horrible parent to me growing up. She’s just gotten very mean as I’ve become an adult and have developed my own life. Do you have any ideas of resources for me? Thanks!

[Anonymous]

I’m 43 and we aren’t near this point yet with my parents (mid 70s).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 43 and we aren’t near this point yet with my parents (mid 70s).

You are lucky. Just know it could happen at any time, so enjoy the time you have

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in my late 30's. Was not expecting to to be in the sandwich so soon.

Same. I was 29. Both have passed now and I miss them terribly but can also not miss that part of it.

[Anonymous]

For my MIL since she was about 65

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was 14. Mom had severe mental illness.

This is what I came here to say also.

Tables started turning when I was 11 or 12 but it wasn’t cemented until freshman year of high school. Of course it took some therapy in my 20s to process it and put our relationship into words.

She lives with us and with my own kids hitting middle school, it feels like I’ve been the mom for a very, very, very long time. Just tired.

[Anonymous]

I was in my mid 20s. My parents had a tense marriage and my mother stopped being the wife and my father (mid 60s) was all of a sudden incapable of doing adulting things. I refused to help. I wasn’t his wife. I felt bad sometimes, but honestly - he was still a working Dr…He could figure out how to shop for a new suit, update his resume, and learn to eat healthy/stay fit himself.