Who is the jerk?

[Anonymous]

Your mother and brother are nasty people. It looks like your brother was deliberately provoking your SIL and kept at it until she exploded. If he behaves like this when other people are around I can only imagine how much worse he is the rest of the time. You should have spoken up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom and brother are a-holes, for sure.

ADHD is different than a-holery.

Plus one - our family is full of ADHD but all are basically kind and would never do this. Even if my spouse and DC had not taken their meds, they would show respect for all my hard work. They would have at worst, eaten too many snacks and perhaps asked repeatedly when dinner would be ready, as they waited.

I agree with pp who said OP should have spoken up. However, with such an enabling mother, it may not have helped much.

It is good that OP can see what is going on and not follow terrible examples in the family. However, if SIL has health issues, I would stand up for her to your brother and encourage him to be more considerate and compassionate with her.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is acting inappropriately.

[Anonymous]

Brother is a jerk. Mom is awful.

But honestly? While SIL was VERY justified in being upset, it seems that she was "livid" and "screaming." Also not really appropriate, particularly when others are present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brother is a jerk. Mom is awful.

But honestly? While SIL was VERY justified in being upset, it seems that she was "livid" and "screaming." Also not really appropriate, particularly when others are present.

This is for normal, functional people. You know, people who don’t rip turkey legs off like a caveman after being asked to not pick at the turkey. People like this don’t respond to normal.

[Anonymous]

I would be contacting each of them - brother to tell him he’s an instigating jerk who has no respect for other’s feelings, SIL to say you’re embarrassed that your family behaved badly but you appreciated her hard work, and your mom to tell her to stop trying to manipulate relationships on top of enabling her son’s boorish childishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother likely has untreated ADHD, if he has always been impulsive. He needs an evaluation and if it's confirmed, MEDICATION, before he ruins his family's life. My husband has ADHD he refuses to treat, and it's been really hard on our family.

Your mother clearly did not do her job as a parent. She's the jerk.

Personally, I would have lost it on my brother, so that his wife would have felt supported and not lost her temper that much (ever notice that when one person gets mad, it makes others less angry?). But your reaction was the next best thing. Please scold your horrible mother for me, thank you.

ADHD has entered the chat.

Your brother is just a garden variety a$$ho!e, no fancy diagnosis needed. If your SIL finally divorces him, keep her and dump him.

[Anonymous]

Your brother and your mom are huge jerks. You are a jerk for not speaking up.

Your brother will continue to be a jerk as no one has pulled him up on his atrocious behaviour. Even your mom was defending him even though he was clearly in the wrong. He will continue because your family keep telling him he is ok, when he isn't, he is a horrible jerk. He won't listen to your SIL because two other people sat back and defended him, including you with your silence which conveys acceptance and approval of his actions. By your mom continuing to defend him despite his actions your brother is immature and selfish.

I feel really sorry for your SIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:SIL has various health issues, but always makes an effort to put together great holidays and do all the cooking in order to create memories. My brother is a complainer and malingerer, who does the bare minimum. I love him, but that’s the truth.

So, SIL made a beautiful turkey with all the bells and whistles. While it was cooling, my bro started to pick at it and eat pieces around the edges. SIL told him to stop and wait for her to take a photo of it, set the table, and for everyone to get a chance to eat too. SIL then went to take a shower. While she was in the shower, my brother ripped a huge piece off the leg. It was glaring and jagged.

Now, my brother has always been greedy and selfish, so I admit that colors my opinion here. SIL had served us lunch just a couple hours before and my bro was definitely hungry. He was just being greedy. When I saw him grab that piece, I was aghast. I stayed out of it though.

SIL finished dressing and came out to set the table and take out the food. And then she saw the ripped turkey leg and absolutely lost it on my brother. She was LIVID. I didn’t know what to say and my mom was trying to justify what she described as my brother “opting” to eat ahead of everyone else. It was a very awkward dinner.

I am furious with my brother for being so greedy, selfish, and thoughtless. I would have screamed at him too if he had left a turkey I cooked looking like a wild animal bit it even before it made it to the table. My mom thinks my SIL should have kept her cool and is trying to get me to stop speaking with her.

Who’s the asshole here?

Yup-- this sounds like my dad when I was growing up-- never caring about anyone's feelings or hard work. My grandmother (his mom) always right there to coddle and defend the rude, selfish behavior....anyone who tried to call him out was the bad guy, not her precious son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother and your mom are huge jerks. You are a jerk for not speaking up.

Your brother will continue to be a jerk as no one has pulled him up on his atrocious behaviour. Even your mom was defending him even though he was clearly in the wrong. He will continue because your family keep telling him he is ok, when he isn't, he is a horrible jerk. He won't listen to your SIL because two other people sat back and defended him, including you with your silence which conveys acceptance and approval of his actions. By your mom continuing to defend him despite his actions your brother is immature and selfish.

I feel really sorry for your SIL.

+100000

Your mom is the worst jerk as she is enabling your brother and likely helped create the jerk he is. But you too are a jer for not backing up your SIL. I would totally have said, “Frank! That is disgusting! I heard Lily say she wanted to take a picture of it. What the %^^% is wrong with you?! Lily, I am so sorry. You have made such a beautiful dinner for all of us, and my brother is acting like a 3 year old without even basic manners.”

Privately, I would tell her later that he has always been a thoughtless, selfish jerk so that she knows he is not just choosing to do this to her. This is just who is is. Hopefully she will divorce him.

[Anonymous]

Brother

[Anonymous]

Your brother and your mom are the a**holes.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is why your brother is like that. Both were wrong. SIL shouldn't have yelled but she was justified in her reaction.

[Anonymous]

Your brother ! I’d mention it to him now. Like hey the whole thing made everyone uncomfortable, you couldn’t have a little self control?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother and your mom are the a**holes.

+1