Are strange pronouns/xenogenders normal?

[Anonymous]

Apropos the "weird" post, in my experience the vast majority of individuals using xenopronouns and such are neurodivergent. It makes sense to me that people who know they are wired differently from the "boys" and the "girls" attempt to assert that difference linguistically.

(And an aside: Also in my experience, xenopronouns are used almost exlcusively online. Very common on discord; very rare in the 11th grade.)

My deal with my brilliant, creative teen -- the one who has deftly learned to manage the intrusions of OCD and the litany of accompanying phobias -- is that they are free to explore their identity, expression, and attractions so long as they treat themselves others with care and compassion. And that care and compassion extends to me, of course: For while I will never require them to perform gender in any particular way, I am similarly not obligated to any particular performance of gender on their behalf.

Which is to say, I'm not jumping through lots of hoops here. I'm loving and supportive. When they need new clothes, they get to choose them. But they don't get to buy all new clothes every time their identity shifts -- doesn't matter if we're talking gender identity or fandoms. I don't have the budget, anyway! Use whatever pronouns you want with your friends: But please don't expect me to be able to keep track of multiple sets of pronouns. My brain is busy with other things.

To tell you the truth: I think some of this is brilliant. We knew back in the 90s that gender was socially constructed; and that gender, like sexuality, existed on a continually-evolving spectrum. But it was an academic exercise for us. We didn't actually live that way. I love seeing my kid working out who they are -- gender and sexuality included.

My quarrel is not with they way in which they subvert the old orthodoxies -- but rather the attempts to replace them with new orthodoxies. No, thank you.

FWIW, I totally agree with the authors of the WaPo piece. Support -- yes! And also: real support is thorough, robust, and takes time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apropos the "weird" post, in my experience the vast majority of individuals using xenopronouns and such are neurodivergent. It makes sense to me that people who know they are wired differently from the "boys" and the "girls" attempt to assert that difference linguistically.

(And an aside: Also in my experience, xenopronouns are used almost exlcusively online. Very common on discord; very rare in the 11th grade.)

My deal with my brilliant, creative teen -- the one who has deftly learned to manage the intrusions of OCD and the litany of accompanying phobias -- is that they are free to explore their identity, expression, and attractions so long as they treat themselves others with care and compassion. And that care and compassion extends to me, of course: For while I will never require them to perform gender in any particular way, I am similarly not obligated to any particular performance of gender on their behalf.

Which is to say, I'm not jumping through lots of hoops here. I'm loving and supportive. When they need new clothes, they get to choose them. But they don't get to buy all new clothes every time their identity shifts -- doesn't matter if we're talking gender identity or fandoms. I don't have the budget, anyway! Use whatever pronouns you want with your friends: But please don't expect me to be able to keep track of multiple sets of pronouns. My brain is busy with other things.

To tell you the truth: I think some of this is brilliant. We knew back in the 90s that gender was socially constructed; and that gender, like sexuality, existed on a continually-evolving spectrum. But it was an academic exercise for us. We didn't actually live that way. I love seeing my kid working out who they are -- gender and sexuality included.

My quarrel is not with they way in which they subvert the old orthodoxies -- but rather the attempts to replace them with new orthodoxies. No, thank you.

FWIW, I totally agree with the authors of the WaPo piece. Support -- yes! And also: real support is thorough, robust, and takes time.

Well said

[Anonymous]

I feel for kids going through identity crises. Where it has to stop, though, is forcing the rest of us to call them the pronouns they choose which are subject to change on a daily basis. No.

[Anonymous]

Normal? No.

I don't take seriously most of these "identity searches" as anything more than typical teen angst that has been allowed to get wildly out of hand by enabling progressive adults engaging in little more than highly speculative theories with no basis in biology. Nor do I think it's helpful to the teens because the failure to provide proper structure as they grow up is likely leading to problematic outcomes for many. Spend your adolescence being allowed to build imaginary castles in the sky only for the cold world of both biology and hard truth to come along and slap you in the face? What for?

[Anonymous]

I too roll my eyes at a lot of the gender identity stuff. But I also worry that to my children I sound similar to the old people I grew up around who said shit like “When I was young, the blacks wanted to be called ‘colored’ and now it’s ‘African-American!’ How silly!”. There’s a reasonable middle ground somewhere, but it’s maybe hard to find.

[Anonymous]

I’m really trying to understand xenogender but am totally confused by this description: https://lgbta.fandom.com/wiki/Xenogender

Can someone please provide some actual examples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in this mess with my daughter. I’m so confused and upset. What is happening with our kids, particularly girls, are coming out as bi, trans and queer? In my daughter’s circle, over 70% are labeling as one of these (10 girls). Is the incidence of this just way, way higher than we knew or is there something else going on?

I teach 7th grade, and it’s a full blown trend. Social media drives a lot of this.

Have you considered that the queer part was there and then the existence of out queer people on social media gave these kids the space to better understand their own identity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in this mess with my daughter. I’m so confused and upset. What is happening with our kids, particularly girls, are coming out as bi, trans and queer? In my daughter’s circle, over 70% are labeling as one of these (10 girls). Is the incidence of this just way, way higher than we knew or is there something else going on?

I teach 7th grade, and it’s a full blown trend. Social media drives a lot of this.

Have you considered that the queer part was there and then the existence of out queer people on social media gave these kids the space to better understand their own identity?

Dp. No. Queer people have been letting their flag fly forever, there just aren't that many of them. No way we've had a 465% increase in trans people in the past 5-10 years. It's a fad. I prefer the fads of my day, like wearing pocketless, skin tight, acid washed, stretch jeans and micro mini skirts. When the fad passed, we just had to buy more clothes. When this fad passes, everyone will need therapy and, possible, physical restoration.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in this mess with my daughter. I’m so confused and upset. What is happening with our kids, particularly girls, are coming out as bi, trans and queer? In my daughter’s circle, over 70% are labeling as one of these (10 girls). Is the incidence of this just way, way higher than we knew or is there something else going on?

I teach 7th grade, and it’s a full blown trend. Social media drives a lot of this.

Have you considered that the queer part was there and then the existence of out queer people on social media gave these kids the space to better understand their own identity?

Dp. No. Queer people have been letting their flag fly forever, there just aren't that many of them. No way we've had a 465% increase in trans people in the past 5-10 years. It's a fad. I prefer the fads of my day, like wearing pocketless, skin tight, acid washed, stretch jeans and micro mini skirts. When the fad passed, we just had to buy more clothes. When this fad passes, everyone will need therapy and, possible, physical restoration.

Some of the outfits I wore in the 1980s definitely necessitated later therapy. The paint splatters, the neon, the stirrup pants...

I don't emotionally understand gender experimentation well, but I'm smart enough to know that kids love rebelling, and it's a fool's errand to try and make the youth of today play by yesterday's rules.

Having said that, not a fan of medical intervention without a great deal of care. But non-medical? Go for it, kids. It ain't my or anyone's business what's in your pants, how you want to dress, or what pronouns you want to use. Don't scare the horses or wear neon ankle socks and we're fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also in this mess with my daughter. I’m so confused and upset. What is happening with our kids, particularly girls, are coming out as bi, trans and queer? In my daughter’s circle, over 70% are labeling as one of these (10 girls). Is the incidence of this just way, way higher than we knew or is there something else going on?

I teach 7th grade, and it’s a full blown trend. Social media drives a lot of this.

Have you considered that the queer part was there and then the existence of out queer people on social media gave these kids the space to better understand their own identity?

Dp. No. Queer people have been letting their flag fly forever, there just aren't that many of them. No way we've had a 465% increase in trans people in the past 5-10 years. It's a fad. I prefer the fads of my day, like wearing pocketless, skin tight, acid washed, stretch jeans and micro mini skirts. When the fad passed, we just had to buy more clothes. When this fad passes, everyone will need therapy and, possible, physical restoration.

Some of the outfits I wore in the 1980s definitely necessitated later therapy. The paint splatters, the neon, the stirrup pants...

I don't emotionally understand gender experimentation well, but I'm smart enough to know that kids love rebelling, and it's a fool's errand to try and make the youth of today play by yesterday's rules.

Having said that, not a fan of medical intervention without a great deal of care. But non-medical? Go for it, kids. It ain't my or anyone's business what's in your pants, how you want to dress, or what pronouns you want to use. Don't scare the horses or wear neon ankle socks and we're fine.

How many of these kids with xenogenders are taking hormones or blockers? Under 18 they would need their parent's sign off and one would hope their parents know their children better than an unrelated person on the Internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really trying to understand xenogender but am totally confused by this description: https://lgbta.fandom.com/wiki/Xenogender

Can someone please provide some actual examples?

More than happily!!! I am deergender, stargender, and plushiegender, just to name a few. I am a label hoarder though which is why I have so many. The only way I can describe my gender is with the grace and agility of a deer, the bright intelligence and burning pain of a star, and the soft touch of a teddy. I also include the mischievousness of a raccoon and the flightiness of a bird. I also identified with bruisegender for a while, when my gender hurt to explore due to trauma. Now, that explanation cannot be achieved with I feel a little tiny bit feminine, mostly neutral, and a bit masculine. They are completely different. I cannot describe how my gender exists with the terms feminine, neutral, and masculine. Of course, I do incorporate those in a teeny bit, such as the strength of a buck deer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really trying to understand xenogender but am totally confused by this description: https://lgbta.fandom.com/wiki/Xenogender

Can someone please provide some actual examples?

More than happily!!! I am deergender, stargender, and plushiegender, just to name a few. I am a label hoarder though which is why I have so many. The only way I can describe my gender is with the grace and agility of a deer, the bright intelligence and burning pain of a star, and the soft touch of a teddy. I also include the mischievousness of a raccoon and the flightiness of a bird. I also identified with bruisegender for a while, when my gender hurt to explore due to trauma. Now, that explanation cannot be achieved with I feel a little tiny bit feminine, mostly neutral, and a bit masculine. They are completely different. I cannot describe how my gender exists with the terms feminine, neutral, and masculine. Of course, I do incorporate those in a teeny bit, such as the strength of a buck deer.

Poster above, How old are you? I mean you really must be desperately seeking attention, and the kind of attention that most adults don’t want to engage in. Not one bit. Please grow out of this. Or is the joke on me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really trying to understand xenogender but am totally confused by this description: https://lgbta.fandom.com/wiki/Xenogender

Can someone please provide some actual examples?

More than happily!!! I am deergender, stargender, and plushiegender, just to name a few. I am a label hoarder though which is why I have so many. The only way I can describe my gender is with the grace and agility of a deer, the bright intelligence and burning pain of a star, and the soft touch of a teddy. I also include the mischievousness of a raccoon and the flightiness of a bird. I also identified with bruisegender for a while, when my gender hurt to explore due to trauma. Now, that explanation cannot be achieved with I feel a little tiny bit feminine, mostly neutral, and a bit masculine. They are completely different. I cannot describe how my gender exists with the terms feminine, neutral, and masculine. Of course, I do incorporate those in a teeny bit, such as the strength of a buck deer.

Poster above, How old are you? I mean you really must be desperately seeking attention, and the kind of attention that most adults don’t want to engage in. Not one bit. Please grow out of this. Or is the joke on me?

I'm pretty sure it's a joke.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really trying to understand xenogender but am totally confused by this description: https://lgbta.fandom.com/wiki/Xenogender

Can someone please provide some actual examples?

More than happily!!! I am deergender, stargender, and plushiegender, just to name a few. I am a label hoarder though which is why I have so many. The only way I can describe my gender is with the grace and agility of a deer, the bright intelligence and burning pain of a star, and the soft touch of a teddy. I also include the mischievousness of a raccoon and the flightiness of a bird. I also identified with bruisegender for a while, when my gender hurt to explore due to trauma. Now, that explanation cannot be achieved with I feel a little tiny bit feminine, mostly neutral, and a bit masculine. They are completely different. I cannot describe how my gender exists with the terms feminine, neutral, and masculine. Of course, I do incorporate those in a teeny bit, such as the strength of a buck deer.

Poster above, How old are you? I mean you really must be desperately seeking attention, and the kind of attention that most adults don’t want to engage in. Not one bit. Please grow out of this. Or is the joke on me?

I'm pretty sure it's a joke.

Me thinks you are correct. Just thinking of the OP, and this I think is something they are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

If you express concern you are a transphobic hateful person.

But truly, I'm very sorry you are all going through this. I think it's going to be up to parents (mostly mothers I'm sure) to do the work, research this stuff, and demand the medical field do better. I think the fact that we haven't had a reckoning with the rampant and pervasive misogyny in this country isn't helping. All the focus has been on racism and trans issues and everyone is pretending that women aren't hated more than ever. Imagine growing up in these times. Ugh , no thank you.