Are strange pronouns/xenogenders normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just the new version of playing pretend with dolls. The less fuss you make over it the better. Just roll with it. When kids ask for respect for their creative gender whatevers, they’re really asking for just… respect. They’re testing you to see if they can define themselves and have you respect that. It’s a completely normal adolescent urge, although the form it’s taking is startling to you.

As long as they’re doing well otherwise, don’t fuss about the gender stuff. If they are not doing well otherwise, support them in the areas where they are struggling rather than focusing on gender.

This is a helpful take. It is statistically improbable that we'd have so many trans kids in our midst. Your take is better than mine, where I tend to think of the trans explosion as mass hysteria like the Salem witch trials or satanic panic. In these cases, doubting parents would be the witches and devil worshippers.

That’s pretty dramatic. How difficult it is it just to treat people the way they want to be treated? Medical interventions are another story, but most kids are not asking for medical interventions. They just want to be treated a certain way. And they are kids, so they are experimenting with how much control they have over how they move in the world.

Refusing to use somebody’s pronouns doesn’t mean you are a poor innocent victim being burned at the stake. What it means is that you are refusing to respect a request that somebody else made, a request that (while you may think it is silly) would cost you nothing to honor.

I really don’t think most of these kids are going to turn out trans. But 100% of them will remember whether their parents were respectful or punitive regarding this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just the new version of playing pretend with dolls. The less fuss you make over it the better. Just roll with it. When kids ask for respect for their creative gender whatevers, they’re really asking for just… respect. They’re testing you to see if they can define themselves and have you respect that. It’s a completely normal adolescent urge, although the form it’s taking is startling to you.

As long as they’re doing well otherwise, don’t fuss about the gender stuff. If they are not doing well otherwise, support them in the areas where they are struggling rather than focusing on gender.

This is a helpful take. It is statistically improbable that we'd have so many trans kids in our midst. Your take is better than mine, where I tend to think of the trans explosion as mass hysteria like the Salem witch trials or satanic panic. In these cases, doubting parents would be the witches and devil worshippers.

That’s pretty dramatic. How difficult it is it just to treat people the way they want to be treated? Medical interventions are another story, but most kids are not asking for medical interventions. They just want to be treated a certain way. And they are kids, so they are experimenting with how much control they have over how they move in the world.

Refusing to use somebody’s pronouns doesn’t mean you are a poor innocent victim being burned at the stake. What it means is that you are refusing to respect a request that somebody else made, a request that (while you may think it is silly) would cost you nothing to honor.

I really don’t think most of these kids are going to turn out trans. But 100% of them will remember whether their parents were respectful or punitive regarding this issue.

You make a lot of assumptions and I feel that you've tried and convicted me on no evidence. It is not dramatic to feel persecuted for my feelings which include: being blind sided, dismay, confusion, grief, fear, sadness, yes, anger, etc. all of which I have to conceal from my child while being neutral and allowing for exploration. I am early on in this (under 5 weeks), so I think I deserve some grace.

[Anonymous]

No, the identities are not “normal” in the sense that they deviate strongly from the norm.

The child’s behavior of trying on identities IS developmentally normal, however, and there is no harm in indulging it, however silly you may find it. Give the child some agency — is the hill you would die on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just the new version of playing pretend with dolls. The less fuss you make over it the better. Just roll with it. When kids ask for respect for their creative gender whatevers, they’re really asking for just… respect. They’re testing you to see if they can define themselves and have you respect that. It’s a completely normal adolescent urge, although the form it’s taking is startling to you.

As long as they’re doing well otherwise, don’t fuss about the gender stuff. If they are not doing well otherwise, support them in the areas where they are struggling rather than focusing on gender.

This is a helpful take. It is statistically improbable that we'd have so many trans kids in our midst. Your take is better than mine, where I tend to think of the trans explosion as mass hysteria like the Salem witch trials or satanic panic. In these cases, doubting parents would be the witches and devil worshippers.

That’s pretty dramatic. How difficult it is it just to treat people the way they want to be treated? Medical interventions are another story, but most kids are not asking for medical interventions. They just want to be treated a certain way. And they are kids, so they are experimenting with how much control they have over how they move in the world.

Refusing to use somebody’s pronouns doesn’t mean you are a poor innocent victim being burned at the stake. What it means is that you are refusing to respect a request that somebody else made, a request that (while you may think it is silly) would cost you nothing to honor.

I really don’t think most of these kids are going to turn out trans. But 100% of them will remember whether their parents were respectful or punitive regarding this issue.

You make a lot of assumptions and I feel that you've tried and convicted me on no evidence. It is not dramatic to feel persecuted for my feelings which include: being blind sided, dismay, confusion, grief, fear, sadness, yes, anger, etc. all of which I have to conceal from my child while being neutral and allowing for exploration. I am early on in this (under 5 weeks), so I think I deserve some grace.

Friend, you were the one who compared being a doubting parent to being burned at the stake!

Have you considered reaching out to your local PFLAG chapter? While they will want you to support your child, they will not judge you for having difficulty doing so. It might be a safe space for you to work through some of this stuff.

And remember: there is nothing on this earth that makes something lose its appeal faster than your parents approving of it. If your kid’s tableau is “my parents reject my gender” they’ll get tons of sympathy and support, whereas “my parents yawned and asked which pride flag I wanted them to buy” is a nonstarter, attention-wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year-old just came out as pansexual, aromantic, and genderfluid and transitions between genders and pronouns on daily, but instead of male/female, it's genders like "stargender," "boyflux," and a gender that was based on a pokemon character. The pronouns have also been things like "xe," "thae," (with that spelling), "thon," "it," "fae," and others. I want to be supportive, as I usually am of LGBTQ, but this whole thing seems so silly and like they're doing it for attention. They make it their whole personality and I'm confused what I as a parent should be doing. Do any other parents have children doing the same?

OP, if it were my 15 YO DD or DS I would tell them to grow up and leave the Pokémon world to their 8 year old brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We parents are supposed to be neutral and allow for exploration. Easier said than done.

Says who? Why do you put up with this?

My new therapist who I engaged to help me deal with this instead of abandoning my family. I had a strong urge to run away because I know I can't squash this and I don't want to deal with this, either. Instead, I'm paying $$$ for someone to make me convincingly behave as if I believe this is all perfectly fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We parents are supposed to be neutral and allow for exploration. Easier said than done.

Says who? Why do you put up with this?

My new therapist who I engaged to help me deal with this instead of abandoning my family. I had a strong urge to run away because I know I can't squash this and I don't want to deal with this, either. Instead, I'm paying $$$ for someone to make me convincingly behave as if I believe this is all perfectly fine.

Of cour$e the therapi$t $ay$ that!

Toughen up, OP. You can do this. Just follow your gut, not the recommendation of some new therapist who doesn’t know your family or child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s just the new version of playing pretend with dolls. The less fuss you make over it the better. Just roll with it. When kids ask for respect for their creative gender whatevers, they’re really asking for just… respect. They’re testing you to see if they can define themselves and have you respect that. It’s a completely normal adolescent urge, although the form it’s taking is startling to you.

As long as they’re doing well otherwise, don’t fuss about the gender stuff. If they are not doing well otherwise, support them in the areas where they are struggling rather than focusing on gender.

This is a helpful take. It is statistically improbable that we'd have so many trans kids in our midst. Your take is better than mine, where I tend to think of the trans explosion as mass hysteria like the Salem witch trials or satanic panic. In these cases, doubting parents would be the witches and devil worshippers.

That’s pretty dramatic. How difficult it is it just to treat people the way they want to be treated? Medical interventions are another story, but most kids are not asking for medical interventions. They just want to be treated a certain way. And they are kids, so they are experimenting with how much control they have over how they move in the world.

Refusing to use somebody’s pronouns doesn’t mean you are a poor innocent victim being burned at the stake. What it means is that you are refusing to respect a request that somebody else made, a request that (while you may think it is silly) would cost you nothing to honor.

I really don’t think most of these kids are going to turn out trans. But 100% of them will remember whether their parents were respectful or punitive regarding this issue.

Because you are feeding the fantasy, one that is being fed by unscrupulous people on the dark web, as well as Reddit, and other forums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We parents are supposed to be neutral and allow for exploration. Easier said than done.

Says who? Why do you put up with this?

My new therapist who I engaged to help me deal with this instead of abandoning my family. I had a strong urge to run away because I know I can't squash this and I don't want to deal with this, either. Instead, I'm paying $$$ for someone to make me convincingly behave as if I believe this is all perfectly fine.

I’m abandoning, but my kids are all over 20. Not closing doors to them of course, but getting out for my own sanity. I deserve some peace after giving up my career and so much else to raise my kids. No one said taking abuse from others was part of the deal. Lines need to be drawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year-old just came out as pansexual, aromantic, and genderfluid and transitions between genders and pronouns on daily, but instead of male/female, it's genders like "stargender," "boyflux," and a gender that was based on a pokemon character. The pronouns have also been things like "xe," "thae," (with that spelling), "thon," "it," "fae," and others. I want to be supportive, as I usually am of LGBTQ, but this whole thing seems so silly and like they're doing it for attention. They make it their whole personality and I'm confused what I as a parent should be doing. Do any other parents have children doing the same?

Respectfully OP, why? You know full well that strange pronouns and/or xenogenders are not normal. While the world may someday better entertain non-binary people, the reality is that the larger world is not going to tolerate gender du jour. Entertaining this only creates an unrealistic expectation that others will do so.

[Anonymous]

Re above:

I meant that I want to be supportive of the larger issues that this gender thing may be indicative of, or supportive if they do come out as non-binary/trans. I didn’t mean I was going to roll with anything. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year-old just came out as pansexual, aromantic, and genderfluid and transitions between genders and pronouns on daily, but instead of male/female, it's genders like "stargender," "boyflux," and a gender that was based on a pokemon character. The pronouns have also been things like "xe," "thae," (with that spelling), "thon," "it," "fae," and others. I want to be supportive, as I usually am of LGBTQ, but this whole thing seems so silly and like they're doing it for attention. They make it their whole personality and I'm confused what I as a parent should be doing. Do any other parents have children doing the same?

yup. It's incredibly self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year-old just came out as pansexual, aromantic, and genderfluid and transitions between genders and pronouns on daily, but instead of male/female, it's genders like "stargender," "boyflux," and a gender that was based on a pokemon character. The pronouns have also been things like "xe," "thae," (with that spelling), "thon," "it," "fae," and others. I want to be supportive, as I usually am of LGBTQ, but this whole thing seems so silly and like they're doing it for attention. They make it their whole personality and I'm confused what I as a parent should be doing. Do any other parents have children doing the same?

yup. It's incredibly self-centered. [/quote

Well, teens are self-centered. It's developmentally appropriate for them to be self-centered.

But I also feel like there is an aspect of cultural appropriation here, as well. Being trans is not something to try on like a sweater and then discard when a new fashion comes along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year-old just came out as pansexual, aromantic, and genderfluid and transitions between genders and pronouns on daily, but instead of male/female, it's genders like "stargender," "boyflux," and a gender that was based on a pokemon character. The pronouns have also been things like "xe," "thae," (with that spelling), "thon," "it," "fae," and others. I want to be supportive, as I usually am of LGBTQ, but this whole thing seems so silly and like they're doing it for attention. They make it their whole personality and I'm confused what I as a parent should be doing. Do any other parents have children doing the same?

yup. It's incredibly self-centered.

Well, teens are self-centered. It's developmentally appropriate for them to be self-centered.

But I also feel like there is an aspect of cultural appropriation here, as well. Being trans is not something to try on like a sweater and then discard when a new fashion comes along.

I agree with this. I’m trans. I didn’t want it, I didn’t ask for it. I wanted to be cis. I tried so hard for so long to not be this way. I finally admitted I couldn’t change who I am and I need to be true to myself or just end it now. I couldn’t keep living like that so now I’m on hormones and feel so much better, as though my brain has been expecting these hormones all along. My depression and anxiety have all but disappeared . Since coming out, I’ve lost friends and family. It’s uncomfortable talking to people I’ve known for a long time.

People that are transtrenders or just “trenders” reminds me of how every 20 year old woman thought it was cool to be bi in the early 2000’s even when many were straight. I’m not necessarily concerned about appropriation, I just don’t like that it makes a lot of cis people think that we are all attention seekers or in some way are faking it. The truth is, a lot of trans people are literally the opposite. We tried so hard to be cis and it’s so painful to lose friends and family. It just feels like people are making light of the difficulties when they pretend to be trans for six months or a year and then decide they’re cis again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 15 year-old just came out as pansexual, aromantic, and genderfluid and transitions between genders and pronouns on daily, but instead of male/female, it's genders like "stargender," "boyflux," and a gender that was based on a pokemon character. The pronouns have also been things like "xe," "thae," (with that spelling), "thon," "it," "fae," and others. I want to be supportive, as I usually am of LGBTQ, but this whole thing seems so silly and like they're doing it for attention. They make it their whole personality and I'm confused what I as a parent should be doing. Do any other parents have children doing the same?

yup. It's incredibly self-centered.

Well, teens are self-centered. It's developmentally appropriate for them to be self-centered.

But I also feel like there is an aspect of cultural appropriation here, as well. Being trans is not something to try on like a sweater and then discard when a new fashion comes along.

I agree with this. I’m trans. I didn’t want it, I didn’t ask for it. I wanted to be cis. I tried so hard for so long to not be this way. I finally admitted I couldn’t change who I am and I need to be true to myself or just end it now. I couldn’t keep living like that so now I’m on hormones and feel so much better, as though my brain has been expecting these hormones all along. My depression and anxiety have all but disappeared . Since coming out, I’ve lost friends and family. It’s uncomfortable talking to people I’ve known for a long time.

People that are transtrenders or just “trenders” reminds me of how every 20 year old woman thought it was cool to be bi in the early 2000’s even when many were straight. I’m not necessarily concerned about appropriation, I just don’t like that it makes a lot of cis people think that we are all attention seekers or in some way are faking it. The truth is, a lot of trans people are literally the opposite. We tried so hard to be cis and it’s so painful to lose friends and family. It just feels like people are making light of the difficulties when they pretend to be trans for six months or a year and then decide they’re cis again.

Just curious, what did you mean when you said you “wanted to be cis?”
What would that have looked like? Did you really want to be cis or just didn’t want the difficulty of being trans?
What things do you feel you can do while on hormones that you could not have done before?