s/o just nuclear family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We see my parents a couple times a year and always make a point to have time together without DH. Sometimes as much as an overnight to see my sister. DH certainly doesn't mind. I also would not mind if DH took the kids to see his parents without me - maybe not weekly, but monthly would be fine.

A cruise would be weird but a meal or a day is probably a welcome break.

To me this is different. I don't think it's weird to do 1::1 with a parent or even both parents and one kid. I don't think it's weird to have parents, adult child, grandchildren, and no spouse...though I'd find it odd if the spouse were specifically excluded.

I think it's weird to have both parents, all adult kids, and no spouses or grandchildren. That's what I understood OP to be talking about. My sister's MIL asked for this for her milestone birthday recently...i.e. only her adult children visiting, without their kids or spouses. My sister thought the no spouse thing was weird, but her MIL is weird. What was really strange was the no grandchildren thing. My niece and nephew were actually a bit hurt. I just don't understand intentionally wanting to exclude grandkids at all.

[Anonymous]

I spend time visiting my parents by myself and I really wish my DH saw his family without me.
The whole dynamic is just different with someone who is essentially a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:nu·cle·ar fam·i·ly
noun
a couple and their dependent children, regarded as a basic social unit.

Your children are part of your nuclear family, BUT their spouses and children are their nuclear family.

Keep being a shrew though and you won’t have to worry about your children’s spouses even wanting to spend time with you. That’ll play out extra hard at holidays.

Can you read? OP's children are young and she's just asking a question. If she were a "shrew" she wouldn't bother to ask the question or think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We see my parents a couple times a year and always make a point to have time together without DH. Sometimes as much as an overnight to see my sister. DH certainly doesn't mind. I also would not mind if DH took the kids to see his parents without me - maybe not weekly, but monthly would be fine.

A cruise would be weird but a meal or a day is probably a welcome break.

To me this is different. I don't think it's weird to do 1::1 with a parent or even both parents and one kid. I don't think it's weird to have parents, adult child, grandchildren, and no spouse...though I'd find it odd if the spouse were specifically excluded.

I think it's weird to have both parents, all adult kids, and no spouses or grandchildren. That's what I understood OP to be talking about. My sister's MIL asked for this for her milestone birthday recently...i.e. only her adult children visiting, without their kids or spouses. My sister thought the no spouse thing was weird, but her MIL is weird. What was really strange was the no grandchildren thing. My niece and nephew were actually a bit hurt. I just don't understand intentionally wanting to exclude grandkids at all.

My husband's grandmother never wanted us (or any of her grandchildren) to bring our children to visit because if kids were there, she couldn't be the center of attention. She really had no interest in seeing any of her great-grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why in the world would you be thinking about this now? your kids are young!

I'm not OP. but can remember when my kids were little, family situations I'd never considered or experienced yet would arise and I think about how things would be when my kids were older. I got the same sense from OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Between my two adult children in their 40s one has had a spouse and both have had long term relationships. I have never expressed that I want to invite or go out with only my child and the spouse or BF or GF was not invited. I would not want to insult them that way, whether I loved them, liked them, didn't care either way or hated them. It's a path I would not go down.

If I did invite the couple(s) to something and the other couldn't make it for some reason I did then enjoy the time with just my adult child. But I did not request it. I would not have wanted that to happen to me so I didn't do it to them.

Op. This is so foreign to me! It would never occur to me that one-on-one parent/adult child socializing was weird, I was thinking of parents + multiple adult children. Whenever one of my parents visit I make a point to have some time with just me and Mom or me and Dad or me and Mom & Dad. I suggest to DH times it would be particularly convenient for him to visit his mom just him. I think of it like, look, even if I like my friend’s husband sometimes I want it to be just us.

Yeah my husband takes his mom out for dinner every year and that’s great. But if she and her husband were to invite all her kids out for dinner and say no spouses, that would be weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can only tolerate my family with my husband there so it would be a no for us. My husband cannot tolerate my family much so we don't see them much. I used to visit my MIL alone but that is because I had more time than he did. I would be hurt if she said I don't want to see you and only my son.

Dh can only handle his mom and sister with us there too (us being me and kids - his dad passed away a long time ago). I’d have no issue if she wanted to go out with dh and kids without me but I’ve known her for almost 30 years (lol) and have spent enough time with her. I probably would have been offended, though, if she suggested it when kids were really young. My parents are both deceased now but we all (dh, me and kids) would have appreciated some time with just my dad. He remarried after my mom died and his wife was always with him and she had no interest in any of us. Depends on the situation.

[Anonymous]

When your kid gets married they leave your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

If it happens organically, sure. My husband works near his mother’s house and they’ll grab lunch periodically, or he will go stop to pick something up and stay awhile. But if there was something I was specifically excluded from, that would be completely rude and I’d be offended.

[Anonymous]

My husband took his Mother out for her birthday to a very formal, special restaurant, just the two of them. So special. She absolutely loved it. It was suppose to be the 4 of us but two of four weren't feeling well so at the last minute decided not to go. I wish I had known earlier in our married life just how special a treat it was for her -- to have her son to herself. I would made sure it happened more often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband took his Mother out for her birthday to a very formal, special restaurant, just the two of them. So special. She absolutely loved it. It was suppose to be the 4 of us but two of four weren't feeling well so at the last minute decided not to go. I wish I had known earlier in our married life just how special a treat it was for her -- to have her son to herself. I would made sure it happened more often.

+1.

Op —because your kids are young you can start now. You want to create a tradition of having lunch or dinner with you kid or kids once a month. For them this will just be the way it is. Keep it going while they are single adults. When they start dating this will be part of the package. In the early stages of a new relationship, a new gf won’t be offended to not be invited. When he is ready to introduce her to you, he can do at one of your traditional lunches or a separate dinner. You son will continue to have lunch with just you though out their relationship. Once in a while you will ask him to include his gf. When thy get engaged, she understands this tradition and that this is special between the two of you. She will know that she is invited to other outings but won’t be upset that she is not included in this tradition because it has been a part of his life as long as she has known him.

[Anonymous]

I do things with my parents without my spouse regularly. He has much less vacation time than me, so if I didn’t take our kids to see them without him, it wouldn’t happen or would happen much less frequently. Even if it works out that he can come, my mom and I will go out shopping and stop for lunch, or catch a movie neither he nor my dad want to see, he would never want in on that.

Now, on the other hand, I wish he would take the kids alone to his parents. But we did send him alone to see them after the adults were vaccinated since we live on the opposite coast from them and hadn’t seen them for quite some time at that point. Kids are too young to be vaccinated, so I stayed home with them.

I think a lot of this depends on distance too. We live far from both sets of parents so requesting time alone while we are visiting (versus it happening organically) would really be a burden on the excluded spouse since it would entail entertaining kids in a generally non kid friendly space that you aren’t terribly familiar with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We see my parents a couple times a year and always make a point to have time together without DH. Sometimes as much as an overnight to see my sister. DH certainly doesn't mind. I also would not mind if DH took the kids to see his parents without me - maybe not weekly, but monthly would be fine.

A cruise would be weird but a meal or a day is probably a welcome break.

To me this is different. I don't think it's weird to do 1::1 with a parent or even both parents and one kid. I don't think it's weird to have parents, adult child, grandchildren, and no spouse...though I'd find it odd if the spouse were specifically excluded.

I think it's weird to have both parents, all adult kids, and no spouses or grandchildren. That's what I understood OP to be talking about. My sister's MIL asked for this for her milestone birthday recently...i.e. only her adult children visiting, without their kids or spouses. My sister thought the no spouse thing was weird, but her MIL is weird. What was really strange was the no grandchildren thing. My niece and nephew were actually a bit hurt. I just don't understand intentionally wanting to exclude grandkids at all.

My husband's grandmother never wanted us (or any of her grandchildren) to bring our children to visit because if kids were there, she couldn't be the center of attention. She really had no interest in seeing any of her great-grandchildren.

This is pretty typical for the dynamic. Those who seek to exclude a) like to demonstrate their “power” and 2) can’t bear not being the center of attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only tolerate my family with my husband there so it would be a no for us. My husband cannot tolerate my family much so we don't see them much. I used to visit my MIL alone but that is because I had more time than he did. I would be hurt if she said I don't want to see you and only my son.

Dh can only handle his mom and sister with us there too (us being me and kids - his dad passed away a long time ago). I’d have no issue if she wanted to go out with dh and kids without me but I’ve known her for almost 30 years (lol) and have spent enough time with her. I probably would have been offended, though, if she suggested it when kids were really young. My parents are both deceased now but we all (dh, me and kids) would have appreciated some time with just my dad. He remarried after my mom died and his wife was always with him and she had no interest in any of us. Depends on the situation.

I have no issue if my DH wants to go out with my family and would be thrilled. His mom was funny to me at first but it was more about how her other DIL treated her as well as my husband's ex-wife but then she switched and called me more and I'd call her and we became close. It takes two people to make a good relationship. When she got sick, I stepped up and took care of her.

My parents have little interest in us. My mom will not let us see her without her boyfriend, who is ok but I just not comfortable with as he's not very warm or friendly. But, its probably because she bad mouths me regularly. She prefers his family and his grandkids so it works out well and we only hear from her a few times a year when his family is't available. My kids have zero interest in her as she always brags about his grandkids and doesn't realize her grandkids are actually doing well and more advanced than his. We all just laugh about it now.

My Dad is too busy with his multiple girlfriends.

OP, if the girlfriend/boyfriend treats you well, return the favor. Don't shut them out and treat them like you treat your own kids.

OR, you will end up like my parents where the kids and grandskids make no effort to see you and get to the point where they stop caring as you don't. It takes everyone to maintain good relationships. My MIL always sent me birthday and holiday gifts as she did my husband (mine were often "better"). She had little money but they were always thoughtful and she tried so hard. I'll always love her for that stuff.

[Anonymous]

I visit my mom without DH(sometimes I take the kids, and sometimes I leave them behind). But I would not take vacations with my mom without DH except for very rare, special occasions.

I encourage DH to go see his parents without me too. They are weak and only have only so much energy to talk(MIL gets really tired after talking for 30 minutes). I would rather she spent 30 minjutes talking to her son than splitting them making small talk with me.