s/o just nuclear family

[Anonymous]

We see my parents a couple times a year and always make a point to have time together without DH. Sometimes as much as an overnight to see my sister. DH certainly doesn't mind. I also would not mind if DH took the kids to see his parents without me - maybe not weekly, but monthly would be fine.

A cruise would be weird but a meal or a day is probably a welcome break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:nu·cle·ar fam·i·ly
noun
a couple and their dependent children, regarded as a basic social unit.

Your children are part of your nuclear family, BUT their spouses and children are their nuclear family.

Keep being a shrew though and you won’t have to worry about your children’s spouses even wanting to spend time with you. That’ll play out extra hard at holidays.

This. Now that I'm married with kids I don't view my own parents and me as my nuclear family.

Not saying you can't so stuff that way sometimes, but that term is an odd way to think about it at that stage.

[Anonymous]

This is odd to me. My parents have been married over 50 years, and growing up neither of them ever did anything with their parents that did not include their spouses. My siblings and I have all been married over 20 years, and the same.

My nuclear family is my spouse and children, no longer me and my siblings and my parents. If I am included, so is my spouse.

[Anonymous]

When your kids marry, you will not be their nuclear family. You will be extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take advantage of any time your DIL is out of town.

This! Or you may get lucky with a tactful one, or the one who just isn’t into you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When is it appropriate to have something with just the nuclear family? My kids are young but I can imagine one day wanting to go out to dinner with just them and not their spouses. DH and his siblings sometimes take their mom out to dinner without SOs involved (I imagine I could come if I wanted to but I don’t want to crash family time). Vacations, no, but do we feel like dinner or coffee or drinks is okay?

I think its wrong not to invite spouses.

[Anonymous]

This is odd. Never have my ILs ever invited only DH to something and same goes for my parents. That doesn't mean that sometimes I don't go to something with my ILs or that I don't occasionally see my parents without DH. But I'm always invited and DH is always welcome with my parents.

[Anonymous]

I'm not at all surprised that the responses here, despite a few sane ones, are trending toward "You MUST include adult childrens' spouses in everything or you are excluding them and that is 'shrew' behavior" and is unforgiveable, etc. etc. That's exactly how DCUM tends to go on these things.

This hasn't come up for us because DH and I each recognize that the other is the adult child of our in-laws/parents and we feel it's appropriate and simply nice for adult children to spend time alone with their parents sometimes. So we volunteer to give each other that time. My mom and his mom don't need to ask to be left alone with us adult kids -- we volunteer that. I see that meals out seem to be what gets people her in such a frantic fear of "exclusion." And of course the idea of the MIL being the one to ask the SIL or DIL for time alone with the adult child just makes the anti-MIL brigade here have fits.

If those of you whose in-laws ask for time alone with your spouse were to OFFER that time and say to your spouse, hey, you should take your mom/dad out to dinner, just you and them--you wouldn't need to be in such a twist about it. I suspect that people who are so reflexively upset about this "exclusion" are actually people who don't care much for their in-laws, or whose in-laws are meddlesome in other ways, or who fear being "talked about behind their backs" etc.

I want to see my mom without my DH around sometimes. I want him to feel he can tell me he'd like some time with just his mom. It's natural, to us. And seems more mature than thinking we are welded together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not at all surprised that the responses here, despite a few sane ones, are trending toward "You MUST include adult childrens' spouses in everything or you are excluding them and that is 'shrew' behavior" and is unforgiveable, etc. etc. That's exactly how DCUM tends to go on these things.

This hasn't come up for us because DH and I each recognize that the other is the adult child of our in-laws/parents and we feel it's appropriate and simply nice for adult children to spend time alone with their parents sometimes. So we volunteer to give each other that time. My mom and his mom don't need to ask to be left alone with us adult kids -- we volunteer that. I see that meals out seem to be what gets people her in such a frantic fear of "exclusion." And of course the idea of the MIL being the one to ask the SIL or DIL for time alone with the adult child just makes the anti-MIL brigade here have fits.

If those of you whose in-laws ask for time alone with your spouse were to OFFER that time and say to your spouse, hey, you should take your mom/dad out to dinner, just you and them--you wouldn't need to be in such a twist about it. I suspect that people who are so reflexively upset about this "exclusion" are actually people who don't care much for their in-laws, or whose in-laws are meddlesome in other ways, or who fear being "talked about behind their backs" etc.

I want to see my mom without my DH around sometimes. I want him to feel he can tell me he'd like some time with just his mom. It's natural, to us. And seems more mature than thinking we are welded together.

My family is more like this, but to exclude someone from a vacation is different. Especially if it means the excluded person is solo parenting for however long. You will be very hated by your DIL if you do that to her.

[Anonymous]

Between my two adult children in their 40s one has had a spouse and both have had long term relationships. I have never expressed that I want to invite or go out with only my child and the spouse or BF or GF was not invited. I would not want to insult them that way, whether I loved them, liked them, didn't care either way or hated them. It's a path I would not go down.

If I did invite the couple(s) to something and the other couldn't make it for some reason I did then enjoy the time with just my adult child. But I did not request it. I would not have wanted that to happen to me so I didn't do it to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not at all surprised that the responses here, despite a few sane ones, are trending toward "You MUST include adult childrens' spouses in everything or you are excluding them and that is 'shrew' behavior" and is unforgiveable, etc. etc. That's exactly how DCUM tends to go on these things.

This hasn't come up for us because DH and I each recognize that the other is the adult child of our in-laws/parents and we feel it's appropriate and simply nice for adult children to spend time alone with their parents sometimes. So we volunteer to give each other that time. My mom and his mom don't need to ask to be left alone with us adult kids -- we volunteer that. I see that meals out seem to be what gets people her in such a frantic fear of "exclusion." And of course the idea of the MIL being the one to ask the SIL or DIL for time alone with the adult child just makes the anti-MIL brigade here have fits.

If those of you whose in-laws ask for time alone with your spouse were to OFFER that time and say to your spouse, hey, you should take your mom/dad out to dinner, just you and them--you wouldn't need to be in such a twist about it. I suspect that people who are so reflexively upset about this "exclusion" are actually people who don't care much for their in-laws, or whose in-laws are meddlesome in other ways, or who fear being "talked about behind their backs" etc.

I want to see my mom without my DH around sometimes. I want him to feel he can tell me he'd like some time with just his mom. It's natural, to us. And seems more mature than thinking we are welded together.

Op. Yes, my family is like yours. Whenever my parents visit, DH encourages us to have solo time. Honestly I’d rather he hang out with us too! I like him and his company. My dad sometimes asks to go out with just me for a drink, which is nice. And I always try to give DH time with his family without me hovering. I don’t mind seeing them but if I’m going to get a babysitter to go out to dinner with my husband I don’t really want my in laws along! But I know he loves his family and I want to enable those relationships. You do a good job explaining why it feels so different.

[Anonymous]

I can only tolerate my family with my husband there so it would be a no for us. My husband cannot tolerate my family much so we don't see them much. I used to visit my MIL alone but that is because I had more time than he did. I would be hurt if she said I don't want to see you and only my son.

[Anonymous]

I think it's up to the kids to make that one-on-one time happen. E.g. DH is an only child of a single mom, and I encourage him to call her and, a few times, to visit her on his own. But if she requested visits with him only, I'd feel offended.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Between my two adult children in their 40s one has had a spouse and both have had long term relationships. I have never expressed that I want to invite or go out with only my child and the spouse or BF or GF was not invited. I would not want to insult them that way, whether I loved them, liked them, didn't care either way or hated them. It's a path I would not go down.

If I did invite the couple(s) to something and the other couldn't make it for some reason I did then enjoy the time with just my adult child. But I did not request it. I would not have wanted that to happen to me so I didn't do it to them.

Op. This is so foreign to me! It would never occur to me that one-on-one parent/adult child socializing was weird, I was thinking of parents + multiple adult children. Whenever one of my parents visit I make a point to have some time with just me and Mom or me and Dad or me and Mom & Dad. I suggest to DH times it would be particularly convenient for him to visit his mom just him. I think of it like, look, even if I like my friend’s husband sometimes I want it to be just us.

[Anonymous]

why in the world would you be thinking about this now? your kids are young!