s/o just nuclear family

[Anonymous]

Come on, is this the same MIL asking the sane thing on three different posts?

What's going on?

Bad MIL(s). Bad bad bad. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not at all surprised that the responses here, despite a few sane ones, are trending toward "You MUST include adult childrens' spouses in everything or you are excluding them and that is 'shrew' behavior" and is unforgiveable, etc. etc. That's exactly how DCUM tends to go on these things.

This hasn't come up for us because DH and I each recognize that the other is the adult child of our in-laws/parents and we feel it's appropriate and simply nice for adult children to spend time alone with their parents sometimes. So we volunteer to give each other that time. My mom and his mom don't need to ask to be left alone with us adult kids -- we volunteer that. I see that meals out seem to be what gets people her in such a frantic fear of "exclusion." And of course the idea of the MIL being the one to ask the SIL or DIL for time alone with the adult child just makes the anti-MIL brigade here have fits.

If those of you whose in-laws ask for time alone with your spouse were to OFFER that time and say to your spouse, hey, you should take your mom/dad out to dinner, just you and them--you wouldn't need to be in such a twist about it. I suspect that people who are so reflexively upset about this "exclusion" are actually people who don't care much for their in-laws, or whose in-laws are meddlesome in other ways, or who fear being "talked about behind their backs" etc.

I want to see my mom without my DH around sometimes. I want him to feel he can tell me he'd like some time with just his mom. It's natural, to us. And seems more mature than thinking we are welded together.

+1000. There’s always a lot of co-dependency on boards like this.

I don’t know, I would also think it was weird if my husband and his siblings were to arrange something their parents and spouses weren’t invited. And it definitely wouldn’t occur to me to suggest it. My DH does one-on-one things with his parents and I have encouraged him to do that (he usually doesn’t need encouragement though), but that isn’t what OP is talking about.

[Anonymous]

All these married women posters insisting that their MILs are not allowed to see their sons separately would no doubt blow their fuse if their husbands insisted on never letting them see their mothers one-on-one. Such hypocrisy.

To answer your question, I see my mother one-on-one all the time. DH sees his father one-on-one all the time. It doesn't occur to me to barge in, and it doesn't occur to him to barge in. Parent-child is a special bond. It survives into adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All these married women posters insisting that their MILs are not allowed to see their sons separately would no doubt blow their fuse if their husbands insisted on never letting them see their mothers one-on-one. Such hypocrisy.

To answer your question, I see my mother one-on-one all the time. DH sees his father one-on-one all the time. It doesn't occur to me to barge in, and it doesn't occur to him to barge in. Parent-child is a special bond. It survives into adulthood.

I thought people were saying it would be weird and maybe in appropriate to invite all your adult children and explicitly ask for no spouses to come. But an adult spending one-on-one time with his parents is important and spouses should encourage that.

[Anonymous]

It just depends on so much. Like if you have to travel to see them.

My MIL would say "in theory" that she would like this. But anytime I've suggested my DH spend time with just her, she's invited my FIL or made guilt-laden comments about why I'm not going or the kids aren't going. So, she and my DH don't have a great relationship, because they have just about never been alone together in the last 25 years.

I see my parents without my DH or kids routinely. My mom almost weekly.

We all live within a 45 minutes of each other. I don't get it. If I were her, I'd sometimes want some time alone with my son. But she goes out of her way to make sure that doesn't happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not at all surprised that the responses here, despite a few sane ones, are trending toward "You MUST include adult childrens' spouses in everything or you are excluding them and that is 'shrew' behavior" and is unforgiveable, etc. etc. That's exactly how DCUM tends to go on these things.

This hasn't come up for us because DH and I each recognize that the other is the adult child of our in-laws/parents and we feel it's appropriate and simply nice for adult children to spend time alone with their parents sometimes. So we volunteer to give each other that time. My mom and his mom don't need to ask to be left alone with us adult kids -- we volunteer that. I see that meals out seem to be what gets people her in such a frantic fear of "exclusion." And of course the idea of the MIL being the one to ask the SIL or DIL for time alone with the adult child just makes the anti-MIL brigade here have fits.

If those of you whose in-laws ask for time alone with your spouse were to OFFER that time and say to your spouse, hey, you should take your mom/dad out to dinner, just you and them--you wouldn't need to be in such a twist about it. I suspect that people who are so reflexively upset about this "exclusion" are actually people who don't care much for their in-laws, or whose in-laws are meddlesome in other ways, or who fear being "talked about behind their backs" etc.

I want to see my mom without my DH around sometimes. I want him to feel he can tell me he'd like some time with just his mom. It's natural, to us. And seems more mature than thinking we are welded together.

+1000. There’s always a lot of co-dependency on boards like this.

This may be true, but for me, there's a twist. My parents are . . . difficult. My one sibling even more so. There simply is no way I'm doing any more alone time with them than I have to. Without my spouse and kids to act as a buffer (they are better behaved when spouse is there, and it's somene else to talk to), I'd quickly either lose my mind or get incredibly annoyed. If that's co-dependent, that's fine.

[Anonymous]

People on DCUM are weird about all family relationships.
I spend time 1:1 with my parents when they visit and spouse does the same. What is the big deal? I don't need to be invited to everything they do (yay, break for me!) and neither does he. How is this so complicated?