Reply to WWYD to visit ILs overseas?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you strategically arranged your work schedule to have a conflict so that you can't go, what do you think he would do?[/quote]

I hope OP doesn't do this. It's a sneaky thing to do. Dishonest. OP and the partner need to start talking about the bigger picture here, which includes his whining when she doesn't want to spend every day, all day with his family, and her resentment and belief he sees her as a way to defray his costs. Their relationship does not actually sound all that genuinely close if she cannot manage to tell him she wants to vacation on her vacation and if he doesn't want some alone time with her in this great European city. [/quote]

I'm not saying to actually do it, but it would be interesting to know how he would react.  [b]OP I think if you can break the ice by not going one time, then it will set a new pattern and be easier thereafter.[/b][/quote]

OP, the bold is a good point, think about that. He is so used to your coming along, sticking around with the family the entire time, and also paying half the cost. Sounds like you need either to (1) go but make your own solo plans for a few days in the city alone (and you don't defray HIS hotel costs on those nights!) and the actually GO to the city, or (2) tell him flat out that you this year you're not up for this trip with him but wish him well and hope he has a great time. I would not try faking up some work excuse, though. Just say it: I don't want to go this year but you go.

It's pretty telling, though, that you haven't yet done either of those things in all these years. Is there a reason why you have been reluctant simply to say, I am going to come on the trip, enjoy days X through Z with the family, then spend these dates at a great place I found in the city, doing solo sightseeing?

You do mention that he gets upset if you talk about not spending every moment with family and that to me sounds manipulative of him. He may not realize that's what he's doing and might be lovely otherwise, but it does sound like he guilts you and whines if you try to do your own thing or suggest you and he do anything without the family. That's not good. It means he doesn't listen to you.

Have you talked with him yet about whether he is mostly seeing you as defraying his costs? You assume that (in your initial post) but what does he actually say if you put that to him?[/quote]

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