what's the polite way to communicate with waiters/waitresses?

[Anonymous]

Ok, I know that I'll get some snark back on this but I'm going ahead anyway.

I'm hearing all kinds of grief from DH that unless you say "please" to wait staff you are rude. Example: waitress says -- have you decided? Mom says: yes, child will have x, I'll have Y, thanks! DH says "thanks" is not "please" and this models "rude" behavior for child (young preschool age).

Please I'm quite serious when I ask for feedback. I know this has all kinds of deeper implications for our marriage, communication, etc. -- really. Feedback appreciated.

[Anonymous]

I think the question is, if your child came to you and said "I'll have . . . " or "Can I have . . . , thanks" would you consider it rude? I'd want my child saying please, so I'm with your DH.

[Anonymous]

It's not a favor. It is the person's job to take the order. "I will have the chicken, thanks," is totally acceptable at a restaurant. Obv if asking Grandma to make her chicken, please is in order.

[Anonymous]

Please accompanies a request. Thanks is for a completed action. I usually say please when ordering as I am making a request. There isn't much to thank them for at that point! When they bring the food, I would express thanks.

I think either is polite and it is splitting hairs to say one is rude and one isn't. However if you are teaching a young child that when you ask for something you say please, then it makes sense to carry that over into a restaurant. At the dinner table would your child say "I'll have milk, please" or "I'll have milk, thanks" .

[Anonymous]

I think your husband should choose his battles He may technically be correct in terms of modeling ideal behaviors for your child, but simply saying "thanks" to a waiter is commonly accepted as good manners.

[Anonymous]

I usually say, "May I have the duck a l'orange, please?" Everyone, be like me.

[Anonymous]

I think both of you are right. Modeling extra polite behavior for your child is good, especially when you want them to get manners down. So he's right on that. However, in the normal course of ordering dinner, one says to a waitress "I'll have the fish, thanks." It's sufficient politeness for paid wait staff. So you are right.

I think true rudeness is saying "Give me the fish."

Since you have small children, why not agree to model the super politeness until the children get it down, i.e., the "Please may I have the fish, thank you."

[Anonymous]

In your situation, I take the "thanks" to mean "thanks for taking our order." Not thanks for the food you'll get in 10 minutes.

I don't see anything wrong with it, although I prefer "please" in that situation myself.

However, it's your overall tone and attitude that will leave the biggest impression on your kids. So being polite in general (you are) is awesome.

[Anonymous]

Are you supposed to say thank you when they refill your drink ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not a favor. It is the person's job to take the order. "I will have the chicken, thanks," is totally acceptable at a restaurant. Obv if asking Grandma to make her chicken, please is in order.

Even if it is their job, why is it so hard to say "please"? Really, people, does it make you feel that much more superior to withhold please from a waitress when putting in your order? Is that how you fuel your ego?

It takes no more effort to be polite. Go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you supposed to say thank you when they refill your drink ?

I'm the PP who responded above to another post and yes, why in heck wouldn't you say thank you? It's common courtesy and it's okay to be courteous to people who are in your service? Show some class.

[Anonymous]

I think the tone you adopt with the server is far more important to the words you use. So many people refuse to make eye contact, are condescending in tone, bark out their order, and above all don't tip.

[Anonymous]

I usually say, "may I please have the x?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you supposed to say thank you when they refill your drink ?

Of you have manners, yes. If raised in a barn, no.

[Anonymous]

"May I please have..." But I grew up in a farm town and I understand our customs are completely alien in cities. I hear a lot of "let me get" or "I want" when I'm out and it's grating.