Don't know what to do at this point!

[Anonymous]

Alex, my 16 years old son just moved in with us a few weeks ago after he has to move out of his grandparent’s place due to their health issue.
Even though I’m overjoyed to have him come and live with us, there are just so many things that I’m very worried about. For one, Alex doesn’t like my husband’s four kids which was the biggest reason he chose to live with his father. On top of that, when Alex was living with his father, things were a big mess which is how Alex ended up living with his grandparents where he was much happier.

Alex is a good kid overall. But… When he lived with his grandparents, his grandfather treated Alex like he’s an adult. The rules was minimum or… pretty much nonexistent. Alex is really responsible and mature for his age. He has always got nearly straight A in school, never got in trouble at school, was a very accomplished wrestler since middle school, and played water polo. He also used to have a steady part time job since he was fourteen until he moved here. He also would just get up and get things done around here if need to so much that we don’t even really have a chore for him because he do lot. Also we never heard him swearing in any manner.

On other hand… He just doesn’t follow rules well at all. We have asked him to not use straight razor for shaving, he’s still using it! He also doesn’t respect curfew at all, he would always text us to tell us he’ll be late and if we told him to come home now, he just ignore it! Also ever since we try to reduce his trip to beach (which is two hours drive away!) or national park, he have become more vague about where he is going and sometime just not tell us.
Also we have been catching him doing lot of things we don’t approve of. We found two cigars butt in his 4runner ashtray shortly after he moved here.
Not long ago he got caught street luge and was furious when we confiscate his board and helmet.
Last night, he was trying to fix something on his camera. He ended up went off to do something else and left it on the table for a while. My husband’s daughter end up look at it and showed us video. There were a few videos of him going scuba diving by himself, body surfing with a older girl, and go inside a structure that hasn’t been done built yet in a city that is a few hours drive away.
When we confronted him about video, we got in a big argument. We tried to make compromise with him in numerous way, but he just flat out refuse to take any of our offers.

I’m getting really uncomfortable with everything. I really want to go into his room and confiscate anything he shouldn’t be having, but at the same time I’m just afraid it will make things worse than what it is now. Also I have tried to give him some freedom and be as flexible as possible, but Alex expects to be treated the way he was when he lived with his grandparents. Now other kids are starting to complain that Alex got away with everything.
I feel like I’m about to lost it and don’t know what to do!

[Anonymous]

Wow, what a fix you're in; need to think about that one....
But bless your heart.

[Anonymous]

13:31 here. I had similar issues when my child came home from boarding school. Friends told me that even though my child was still a high schooler, it was like coming home from college and all the reduction of freedom that goes with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, this sounds like the kind of situation that family counseling can really help resolve.
It will allow both sides to really get a chance to express their side, and work with an objective third party to come to a compromise that everyone can live with.
While I can see why he is pushing back against having restrictions placed on him (no teenager likes that) its also reasonable that a person must adapt to the social contract (rules) of the house they are living in.
Again, it would really be the family counselor that is helping you wade through this, but I'm thinking there is some kind of compromise reached....
For example, "we've asked him not to use a straight razor for shaving." Well, if that's what he's always used and he's able to do it with minimum blood, maybe this is not a battle you need to pick. On the other hand, it is reasonable to set up a curfew time, and for all parties to understand exactly what the consequences would be for missing curfew.

[Anonymous]

So you are just becoming his parent now? What happened over the last 16 years, were you a part of his life? Do you only care what he does now because he lives in your house?

[Anonymous]

Here's what I would do. I have three in college. Two almost there.

We have asked him to not use straight razor for shaving, he’s still using it! Not a hill worth dying on. If he is used to using a straight razor, then why not let him use it? Just make sure he knows to put it away where younger kids can't get to it.

He also doesn’t respect curfew at all, he would always text us to tell us he’ll be late and if we told him to come home now, he just ignore it! If he is late, even by two minutes, he doesn't go out at all the next weekend. I cut my kids ZERO slack in this department. Curfew is 11:30. That means that all ten toes better be inside the house by 11:30. No exceptions to the rule. If traffic was bad, they should have left earlier.

Also ever since we try to reduce his trip to beach (which is two hours drive away!) or national park, he have become more vague about where he is going and sometime just not tell us. I would never allow a 16 year old to drive two hours from home. Almost 18 year old, maybe. But not a 16 year old new to driving.

Also we have been catching him doing lot of things we don’t approve of. We found two cigars butt in his 4runner ashtray shortly after he moved here. Smoking is stupid. But I wouldn't allow it to become an issue. Just tell him he can't smoke in or around the house or in your cars.

Not long ago he got caught street luge and was furious when we confiscate his board and helmet. Why did you confiscate the board and helmet? If it was a punishment, then it's good that he was furious. My kids are mad at me at least 50% of the time. Just means I'm doing my job.

Last night, he was trying to fix something on his camera. He ended up went off to do something else and left it on the table for a while. My husband’s daughter end up look at it and showed us video. There were a few videos of him going scuba diving by himself, body surfing with a older girl, and go inside a structure that hasn’t been done built yet in a city that is a few hours drive away. Sounds like a typical teenager to me.

When we confronted him about video, we got in a big argument. We tried to make compromise with him in numerous way, but he just flat out refuse to take any of our offers. Why are you trying to negotiate with a teenager? That doesn't work. Make the rules. Give him realistic expectations and clear consequences for violating the rules. And enforce those rules and consequences every. single. time.

Sounds like it's time for you to step up to the plate. Parenting is hard.

[Anonymous]

Alex’s father and I divorced when Alex was 8. Next two years, he would live with both of us part time, but when I met my current husband, Alex was 10. He doesn’t want to be around him or his kids and would throw a fits if anyone try to make him come. Finally when he was 12, his father moved to Washington and Alex doesn’t want to live with us, so he moved with his father. His father eventually hit the bottles hard and Alex wasn’t doing well at all. So he ended up living with his grandparents and that’s when he starts to do better.

Grounding Alex doesn’t work. He just don’t listen. As for going to the beach, yeah we were trying to reduce time then put a stop to it, of course he doesn’t listen and go there regularly.

We took his board and helmet away so he cannot do it again.

What typical teen have their own scuba gears or enough courage to do it? Last time we go to beach, none of us even want to go far nor deep in the water. Also if he have been caught doing all those kind of things, who know what else he is up to? That’s what really scares me.

As for negotiate with him, we were trying to get our hands on his things so we can take them away. Since he didn’t cooperate or tell us anything, I’m really thinking about going through his room but am scare it would just do more harm in the end.

Again… Alex doesn’t care if we made the rule. He just ignore it and walk off to do what he want. We have tried to ground him which did nothing. He just went into his room then the next day, he’s out there again doing his stuff.

[Anonymous]

Boarding school.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP that both parties need to learn to compromise. He is used to being treated like an adult. Punishments, micromanaging and rules that you aren't willing to negotiate in a rational manner are not going to work here. And violating his privacy is not going to contribute to the relationship in any positive way. He sounds like a responsible young man in that he gets good grades and calls you to let you know he is going to be late. In other words, he is not a typical teen so you shouldn't treat him like one. But you do deserve his respect and consideration. Let him know that you are prepared to offer more freedom in return for more information. Then focus on where you want your relationship to be two years from now, when he is fully an adult.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like Alex had events in his life that forced him to grow up fast, or at least faster than the typical American teenager. Throughout the world, people Alex's age hold jobs, start families, not to mention go to college far away from home. He sounds like an intelligent and responsible young man who has never been involved in any serious trouble. I understand that your situation is complicated by the fact that, after being separated from him for so many years, you want to make the most of the two short years left. Also that you have to be mindfull of the kind of example you are setting for the other children int he household, who may not be as mature. But everything you said makes me think that treating Alex like the typical middle class American 16-year-old is only going to backfire.

[Anonymous]

Feel sorry for the kid. Its tough to lose your parents. Are you sure it is best him to be around you and the family you picked over him?

[Anonymous]

Sounds weird OP. Is this for real? If so, are you giving your child's real name? If so, that is unfair to out him like that. Seems to me you shouldn't have picked another family over your son.

[Anonymous]

He is already doing what he wants. You can't treat him like he was 10. That passed a long time ago. Out of the home living might be the best for him. You are completely not on the same page, and you have other children that you are raising.

[Anonymous]

Look, he became very independent and is doing very normal things for his age and an older age. You're tossing out rules left and right for no reason. Why can't he shave however he's most comfortable? That's a ridiculous rule! He hasn't had a curfew in years and now you're trying to exert authority for no reason - of course he's not going to follow that. Tell him while he lives under your roof he's your responsibility and you need to know where he is and ask when HE thinks a reasonable time to come home is. Come from a place of negotiation. He's been treated like an adult for several years.

Typical teenage boys take what you consider risks. I would not forbid scuba diving but tell him it's important to you that he go with a diving partner, that all adult scuba divers do that, and you want him to be safe. Come at him from a place of safety rather than authority and you'll get farther.

Do not take away all his things or ground him. Punish his sister for going through his camera - that's his private stuff she was looking through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, he became very independent and is doing very normal things for his age and an older age. You're tossing out rules left and right for no reason. Why can't he shave however he's most comfortable? That's a ridiculous rule! He hasn't had a curfew in years and now you're trying to exert authority for no reason - of course he's not going to follow that. Tell him while he lives under your roof he's your responsibility and you need to know where he is and ask when HE thinks a reasonable time to come home is. Come from a place of negotiation. He's been treated like an adult for several years.

Typical teenage boys take what you consider risks. I would not forbid scuba diving but tell him it's important to you that he go with a diving partner, that all adult scuba divers do that, and you want him to be safe. Come at him from a place of safety rather than authority and you'll get farther.

Do not take away all his things or ground him. Punish his sister for going through his camera - that's his private stuff she was looking through.

This OP is very sound advice. This kid has been shuffled around for 16 years. You need to learn to compromise