Don't know what to do at this point!

[Anonymous]

Step back and leave the kid alone. You have no authority here, even though you think you do. Before you have authority, you must have responsibility, and the kid has been on his own for years.....you haven't shown the necessary responsibility.

The kid tells you he will be late. Fine. School, jobs and grades are his problem. Leave him tend to it. You provide a room, food and necessary clothing, and leave him alone. Don't bail him out, but don't hound him, either.

If the razor issue is his siblings, ask him to please secure the straight razor because you're afraid his siblings might get hurt. Daresay he would respect that, since it makes sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step back and leave the kid alone. You have no authority here, even though you think you do. Before you have authority, you must have responsibility, and the kid has been on his own for years.....you haven't shown the necessary responsibility.

The kid tells you he will be late. Fine. School, jobs and grades are his problem. Leave him tend to it. You provide a room, food and necessary clothing, and leave him alone. Don't bail him out, but don't hound him, either.

If the razor issue is his siblings, ask him to please secure the straight razor because you're afraid his siblings might get hurt. Daresay he would respect that, since it makes sense.

I have already written above and I agree with you that OP may need to back off a lot to accomodate a very mature kid. But I don't think you can conclude that she was irresponsible or even if she was, that it means she does not have a right to act as parent now. I also think that a big issue here is that the kid is unwilling to respect rules, reasonable or not, and simply does what he wants. Part of being an adult is respecting others. He needs to learn that.

[Anonymous]

The converse of authority is responsibility. Up to this point, she has not been the one to raise this kid. She hasn't done the day to day work---in the kids eyes, she does not have the authority to tell him what to do. He follows rules in school and does well there, because he recognizes the authority of those people to tell him what to do.

From experience, it is very difficult to push this kind of situation. I was that kid. Many years later, I can tell you that simply dealing with the kid as another adult will work far better than attempting to exert parental authority that was abdicated previously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The converse of authority is responsibility. Up to this point, she has not been the one to raise this kid. She hasn't done the day to day work---in the kids eyes, she does not have the authority to tell him what to do. He follows rules in school and does well there, because he recognizes the authority of those people to tell him what to do.

From experience, it is very difficult to push this kind of situation. I was that kid. Many years later, I can tell you that simply dealing with the kid as another adult will work far better than attempting to exert parental authority that was abdicated previously.

Word.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: If he is late, even by two minutes, he doesn't go out at all the next weekend. I cut my kids ZERO slack in this department. Curfew is 11:30. That means that all ten toes better be inside the house by 11:30. No exceptions to the rule. If traffic was bad, they should have left earlier.

I know you're not the OP, but I feel like this may come to bite you in the ass later on. What if your child is at a party, and the designated driver gets drunk? Your child knows enough to not ride with them, but alas! It's her only option to get home in time so she risks it. Maybe she gets home fine and before curfew, maybe she gets in an accident. Are you so rigid that you want your children to make bad decisions to follow your rules?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look, he became very independent and is doing very normal things for his age and an older age. You're tossing out rules left and right for no reason. Why can't he shave however he's most comfortable? That's a ridiculous rule! He hasn't had a curfew in years and now you're trying to exert authority for no reason - of course he's not going to follow that. Tell him while he lives under your roof he's your responsibility and you need to know where he is and ask when HE thinks a reasonable time to come home is. Come from a place of negotiation. He's been treated like an adult for several years.

Typical teenage boys take what you consider risks. I would not forbid scuba diving but tell him it's important to you that he go with a diving partner, that all adult scuba divers do that, and you want him to be safe. Come at him from a place of safety rather than authority and you'll get farther.

Do not take away all his things or ground him. Punish his sister for going through his camera - that's his private stuff she was looking through.

+100. This is excellent advice. FWIW, I never had a curfew. My parents said I was starting with their trust, but if I lost it, that's when I'd get a curfew. I was a good kid and never did. A curfew is not always necessary if you have a responsible kid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The converse of authority is responsibility. Up to this point, she has not been the one to raise this kid. She hasn't done the day to day work---in the kids eyes, she does not have the authority to tell him what to do. He follows rules in school and does well there, because he recognizes the authority of those people to tell him what to do.

From experience, it is very difficult to push this kind of situation. I was that kid. Many years later, I can tell you that simply dealing with the kid as another adult will work far better than attempting to exert parental authority that was abdicated previously.

I totally agree with this and your prior post. This kid has had a really tough life and appears to have done a great job taking care of himself. His grandparents have really been great for him. It must have been really difficult for him to leave them. I know what it's like when your mother chooses a man over her kids and I can imagine how he must feel having to move back with OP and dealing with it on a daily basis. Counseling would probably help everyone.

[Anonymous]

Your 16 year old has had to grow up fast, and guess what? He grew up while you weren't parenting him. You can't out him back in a bottle now and treat him like he's 12.

To me, he sounds responsible and considerate for the most part, with a dash of typical teenage recklessness thrown in (street luge). What I see most if all is a kid who considerately notifies you when he will be late, gets good grades, has a heathy sense of exploration, and has navigated his way in the world very well, despite a mom who abdicated her responsibilities and is way way way overreacting now.

If the kid can safely shave with a straight razor, let him as long as he keeps it safely away from younger kids.

If your curfew is reasonable and you are not just being arbitrary and controlling, I'd approach him like an adult and explain to him why you need him home at a certain hour. Forget the bullshit about it being about his grades, etc. he's gotten good grades without a curfew; he doesn't need one. You need it, for whatever reason, so try to help him understand why it helps you (like, maybe you can't sleep soundly until he is home, and you wake early for work?)

Drive with him to his favorite state park and see if he drives well. I often drove for hours when I was 16 and I was a great driver. Age doesn't equal skill, and the only way to become more experienced is to acquire experience. If he is a good driver, let him have this joy. It sounds like he needs space from your house, and I can see why.

Nothing wrong with scuba diving safely. Honestly, it's great that your son has not adopted your silly fear of the water. Show him some respect and say you admire his courage.

His nosy step siblings have no business snooping in his camera, and unless you bought his stuff, you have no right confiscating it at this point. Snoopers should be restricted, not him.

If your husband's kids object, tell then the truth: your son was raised differently and he is very responsible, and thus he will follow different rules in your house.

I hope he'll get a part time job and be on his way to full independence soon, for his sake.

[Anonymous]

Above all else, let the kid know he is loved. these kinds of rules uouentipn are the tupe appropriate to a kid who is learning to make good decisions to protect himself while he learns to take personal reaponsibilitu. It turns out that he learned that while fending for himself. It sounds like the real lesson he needs now is that he is part of a family that will love him unconditionally.