Civilizing details that you missed during childhood- share here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with a modicum of manners and kindness knows that it's appropriate to leave a cash tip for the hotel/motel maid. If you didn't know before, you know now.

What is the proper amount of $ to leave?

No one carries cash anymore. Cest la vie

My husband does and one of the main reasons is so he can tip random people when he thinks they deserve it. He always tips the hotel housekeepers but will also tip shuttle drivers, and yesterday tipped the guys shoveling the walk at our ski place. I don't think anyone else tips them but they definitely appreciated it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve gone through adulthood, I seem to encounter ways of doing things that aren’t even polite or fancy but just the basics that no one in my family of origin seemed to know about. Now I’m wondering what I might be missing as I raise my own child. What did you only find out about as an adult? (And thank you to all of my roommates over the years who helped raise me)

Some of my gaps:

-didn’t grow up using washcloths. We owned them but only because they came in sets of towels. I guess we just smeared soap around. I used to break out a lot and even developed cysts on the back of my thighs from clogged pores until I realized all of my roommates used them but me.

-not washing hands in the kitchen. We washed our hands after the bathroom or after coming in from outside in the laundry room sink. My mom doesn’t even have hand soap in her kitchen. She might rinse meat juices and stuff off her hands but otherwise she doesn’t wash her hands before prepping food. I only learned it was a thing from working at restaurants in high school.

DH’s gaps:

-didn’t grow up using napkins at the table. When I asked what he did if someone ate something messy, he said you’d grab a dish towel and then put it back!

-grew up washing everything all together in one load. Eventually everything looked pilled and gray regardless of original color or fabric. I intervened when we met in grad school because I couldn’t handle watching nice work pants get tossed in with linty towels and cleaning rags.

-didn’t know about mattress pads or pillow covers, so they get sweat-stained and grimy. Changing the sheets at his parents’ is a scary experience.

Washing hands in the kitchen is highly personal preference. Personally I strongly emphasize hand washing and sanitizing and am overall a germaphobe, but **despise** people washing hands in my kitchen sink and do not permit it in my house. The kitchen sink is for food preparation and meal clean-up; hand washing should be done in the powder room or other bathrooms. Why would I want people's hand germs introduced into the kitchen? Also, hand washing splashes water all over the kitchen counter which then needs to be cleaned.

How on earth do you cook? Like you cut up raw meat and then go to the powder room to wash your hands before touching other stuff?

Oh boy. I seem to remember a DCUM Food thread where a woman was seriously stressing out over all the hand-washing involved in cooking chicken. Her process was something like: Get the chicken from the refrigerator, wash her hands. Open the package, wash her hands. Salt and pepper, wash her hands. Marinate the chicken, wash her hands. Put it in the fridge, wash her hands. Then ... into the baking dish, wash her hands.

Does this ring a bell for anyone?

It wasn't me but I'm similar. If I touch raw meat, I don't touch anything else before washing my hands. I have a friend who is not so OCD as me about this and got herself (and only herself) horribly sick over Thanksgiving after preparing the turkey. I'll take the abuse for washing my hands too much rather than her miserable two days over a toilet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with a modicum of manners and kindness knows that it's appropriate to leave a cash tip for the hotel/motel maid. If you didn't know before, you know now.

I do not and have never tipped people who make minimum wage +

Maids getting tips was the beginning of everyone sticking their hand out for a tip just for doing the basic functions of their jobs.

100%

A maid will clean 30-40 rooms a day. If each room tips them 10 bucks, that’s 37.50 an hour just in tips. And it’s tax free, making it more like 45-50 bucks an hour.

Don’t let people guilt you into tipping for everything. The hotel is responsible for paying their staff an appropriate level to get the level of skilled labor they need.

Based on this thread, it seems highly unlikely that they are getting $10/room so your math is way off. And why would you assume that the tips are not taxed? Until something changes, tips are taxable wages and plenty of employees and businesses are compliant about reporting them. In fact, the IRS has quite a few programs that impute income for presumed tips in industries where tipping is common. So, in those programs, the employees get reported taxable wages whether you stiff them or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't know until I moved into our current neighborhood that you left the outside front door light on all night and on the weekends you always turned light on at the front of the house when people may be entertaining guests.

A few weeks after we moved into our neighborhood, an older lady stopped by with the neighborhood directory and a nice potted plant. She gently explained to me that this was "done" in our neighborhood. By golly, I walked through the neighborhood the next Saturday night and saw that most people were following the practice she described.

I began to do it and I noticed as new people moved in, they seemed to automatically do it. No one had to tell them.

I was raised in a "turn out the lights, you are wasting electricity" house, and I had no clue of this practice.

This is completely ridiculous. Leaving lights on all night is just contributing to light pollution. And wasting electricity. Two types of pollution that are both bad for the planet. And for what exactly? So the neighborhood looks more expensive for the stuck up neighbors? Did I understand that correctly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't know until I moved into our current neighborhood that you left the outside front door light on all night and on the weekends you always turned light on at the front of the house when people may be entertaining guests.

A few weeks after we moved into our neighborhood, an older lady stopped by with the neighborhood directory and a nice potted plant. She gently explained to me that this was "done" in our neighborhood. By golly, I walked through the neighborhood the next Saturday night and saw that most people were following the practice she described.

I began to do it and I noticed as new people moved in, they seemed to automatically do it. No one had to tell them.

I was raised in a "turn out the lights, you are wasting electricity" house, and I had no clue of this practice.

This is completely ridiculous. Leaving lights on all night is just contributing to light pollution. And wasting electricity. Two types of pollution that are both bad for the planet. And for what exactly? So the neighborhood looks more expensive for the stuck up neighbors? Did I understand that correctly?

I sometimes leave my front walk light on so people can more safely use the sidewalk in front of my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember when elbows off the table was a trend. It was the 70s maybe from this jingle? We had to learn about it from a jingle, y'all.

Yeah, this no-elbows-on-the-table thing was taken to a bizarre extreme. And it was never a real rule of etiquette. It's rude to eat while your elbows are on the table -- you don't want to be shoving food in your mouth in that posture. But to put them on the table before eating, between courses, after, or whatever, is perfectly acceptable etiquette.

In a pub, perhaps.

But nothing but your hands and wrists should touch the table in an upscale restaurant or as a guest at someone’s house, particularly if it is a formal meal in their dining room. Lounging with your elbows or arms on the table just isn’t done. It is slovenly.

You know a lot less about etiquette than you think you do. Elbows on the table are fine in an "upscale restaurant" when there is no food on the table. Same with regard to "a formal meal in [a] dining room." Nothing inherently "slovenly" about it until you start eating.

False. You’re no longer sitting upright resulting in slovenly posture.

False. You can suavely lean on one elbow, gesticulating with the other hand. Perhaps holding a champagne glass as you do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't know until I moved into our current neighborhood that you left the outside front door light on all night and on the weekends you always turned light on at the front of the house when people may be entertaining guests.

A few weeks after we moved into our neighborhood, an older lady stopped by with the neighborhood directory and a nice potted plant. She gently explained to me that this was "done" in our neighborhood. By golly, I walked through the neighborhood the next Saturday night and saw that most people were following the practice she described.

I began to do it and I noticed as new people moved in, they seemed to automatically do it. No one had to tell them.

I was raised in a "turn out the lights, you are wasting electricity" house, and I had no clue of this practice.

This is completely ridiculous. Leaving lights on all night is just contributing to light pollution. And wasting electricity. Two types of pollution that are both bad for the planet. And for what exactly? So the neighborhood looks more expensive for the stuck up neighbors? Did I understand that correctly?

I sometimes leave my front walk light on so people can more safely use the sidewalk in front of my house.

This, plus safety, the house looks occupied and hopefully deters break-ins. Does not deter car break-ins, however!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever used a fork and knife to eat (fork in the left hand, knife in the right). We just ate with forks in our dominant hand, and eating Euro-style is very unnatural and fancy to me.

I didn’t know we’re supposed to send a thank you note after receiving a gift.

I thought meat should always be very, very well done.

This one is me. I work internationally and I always feel very awkward, but I'm too uncoordinated to shift to Euro-style on cutlery.

I grew up using cutlery American style as well. I've always had the sense that European style is more refined, but it feels awkward to me so I don't bother with it. How many people here use American vs. European style?

We use American, like most people do here, but I actually don't think the European style looks more refined. It looks (to me) like you're in too much of a hurry to put your knife down.

I think people are mixing up American vs Continental style cutlery usage. In the American style you cut with the fork in your left hand and then put the knife down, transfer the fork over to your right eat tines up. The Europeans don’t do the fork switch and bring food to mouth tines down, with the knife to assist as necessary.

I think either looks fine; what I notice is how people hold the fork. To me it’s such a tell when people grip their fork with their entire hand and hack at their food. No matter where you work or live, what you drive, or where you went to school, I assume of you hold your fork like that and stab at your food, you probably didn’t grow up a particularly refined household. It’s not that I judge, but I can’t help but notice.

Yes the fred flintstone grip of the fork is painful to see.

I was taught all that too as a child, but I have to admit I absolutely don’t notice how other people are holding their forks.

Occasionally I do notice whether the fork overlaps the knife (tines down), or if the fork and knife are separated like rowboat oars (tines up), when someone is still eating. But that is only because I’m reminded of this one time during a meal w extended family (from different continents), when there was an overly spirited discussion on the subject. It was just at the age when us kids were starting to be more conscious about that kind of stuff, and probably why it came up at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't know until I moved into our current neighborhood that you left the outside front door light on all night and on the weekends you always turned light on at the front of the house when people may be entertaining guests.

A few weeks after we moved into our neighborhood, an older lady stopped by with the neighborhood directory and a nice potted plant. She gently explained to me that this was "done" in our neighborhood. By golly, I walked through the neighborhood the next Saturday night and saw that most people were following the practice she described.

I began to do it and I noticed as new people moved in, they seemed to automatically do it. No one had to tell them.

I was raised in a "turn out the lights, you are wasting electricity" house, and I had no clue of this practice.

This is completely ridiculous. Leaving lights on all night is just contributing to light pollution. And wasting electricity. Two types of pollution that are both bad for the planet. And for what exactly? So the neighborhood looks more expensive for the stuck up neighbors? Did I understand that correctly?

I do it for crime deterrence. Everyone should. Use LED lights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not specifically an answer to OP’s question but this is related: how do you handle it when you become friends with someone who is missing a kind of basic piece of knowledge. If the person is the same age or older than me, I feel so awkward correcting them or telling them but have also felt like a jerk just letting the person keep doing something stupid, knowing eventually someone is probably going to point it out. Examples—friend who very confidently thought wine ages in the bottle so you should buy it and keep it as long as possible, even saving leftover uncorked wine. Co-worker who really needs to trim nose hair. Friend who, it became clear, does not tip for a lot of things normal people tip for (not on principle—I just don’t think he knows). Just curious—how do you decide whether to say something?

What do you mean? Wine does age in the bottle. That's why people have wine cellars. Of course once it's opened, the clock starts.

Oh god. Almost all wines are aged in a barrel with a very limited aging that can occur in the bottle. White wines are meant to be consumed within 5 years of bottling. Even the very best reds for continued bottle aging are not meant to be aged in the bottle past 20 years. People have wine cellars but they also know what wines go in a cellar and keep track of which ones need to be consumed before they are past their prime.

I think that a lot of people end up not knowing basic information because they are the type of people who say “of course…” and will never know what they don’t know.

Because those people have better manners! (I’m the type who will ask, but sensitive people receive that as a call-out so I have to make that judgment call first) What a “viscous” cycle

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't know until I moved into our current neighborhood that you left the outside front door light on all night and on the weekends you always turned light on at the front of the house when people may be entertaining guests.

A few weeks after we moved into our neighborhood, an older lady stopped by with the neighborhood directory and a nice potted plant. She gently explained to me that this was "done" in our neighborhood. By golly, I walked through the neighborhood the next Saturday night and saw that most people were following the practice she described.

I began to do it and I noticed as new people moved in, they seemed to automatically do it. No one had to tell them.

I was raised in a "turn out the lights, you are wasting electricity" house, and I had no clue of this practice.

This is completely ridiculous. Leaving lights on all night is just contributing to light pollution. And wasting electricity. Two types of pollution that are both bad for the planet. And for what exactly? So the neighborhood looks more expensive for the stuck up neighbors? Did I understand that correctly?

I do it for crime deterrence. Everyone should. Use LED lights.

That doesn't fix the light pollution problem. You should use motion-sensing LED lights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t learn about maxipads until I was in in high school and a friend told me (I used paper towels, because my mom used tampons and wouldn’t buy pads for me). I never learned to use tampons until college. But that was kind of just neglect.

I didn't learn about tampons until 12th grade and couldn't get them until I was away at college. I had to use the same pads my mom used, which (I later learned) were not the right ones for my body, because she was convinced tampons would kill me with their toxic shock syndrome. I stole a tampon from the bathroom of family friends we were staying with on a trip when I was in 12th grade, so I didn't have the advantage of the pamphlet. Do you KNOW how hard it is to sit in a chair when you've shoved a tampon, still in its applicator, straight up your body?

I couldn't understand how people went swimming with pads.

It was similar for me. Once I got a job I bought my own tampons but I had to hide them from my mother who absolutely refused to allow them. Before my job I also had to take toilet paper from school to bring home to use. The summers with no school were miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn't know until I moved into our current neighborhood that you left the outside front door light on all night and on the weekends you always turned light on at the front of the house when people may be entertaining guests.

A few weeks after we moved into our neighborhood, an older lady stopped by with the neighborhood directory and a nice potted plant. She gently explained to me that this was "done" in our neighborhood. By golly, I walked through the neighborhood the next Saturday night and saw that most people were following the practice she described.

I began to do it and I noticed as new people moved in, they seemed to automatically do it. No one had to tell them.

I was raised in a "turn out the lights, you are wasting electricity" house, and I had no clue of this practice.

This is completely ridiculous. Leaving lights on all night is just contributing to light pollution. And wasting electricity. Two types of pollution that are both bad for the planet. And for what exactly? So the neighborhood looks more expensive for the stuck up neighbors? Did I understand that correctly?

Really?

It discourages crime. People are far less lilley to break into cars and houses if they are easily visible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up being the only person in my family using a washcloth, which I called "my emergency washcloth" and was carefully laid on the side of the tub for if/when I got soap or shampoo in my eyes. Otherwise they weren't ever used. I still don't use them.

The no soap at the sink thing is weird. I always start prepping a meal by washing my hands with soap.

I always just use dish soap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever used a fork and knife to eat (fork in the left hand, knife in the right). We just ate with forks in our dominant hand, and eating Euro-style is very unnatural and fancy to me.

I didn’t know we’re supposed to send a thank you note after receiving a gift.

I thought meat should always be very, very well done.

This one is me. I work internationally and I always feel very awkward, but I'm too uncoordinated to shift to Euro-style on cutlery.

I grew up using cutlery American style as well. I've always had the sense that European style is more refined, but it feels awkward to me so I don't bother with it. How many people here use American vs. European style?

We use American, like most people do here, but I actually don't think the European style looks more refined. It looks (to me) like you're in too much of a hurry to put your knife down.

I think people are mixing up American vs Continental style cutlery usage. In the American style you cut with the fork in your left hand and then put the knife down, transfer the fork over to your right eat tines up. The Europeans don’t do the fork switch and bring food to mouth tines down, with the knife to assist as necessary.

I think either looks fine; what I notice is how people hold the fork. To me it’s such a tell when people grip their fork with their entire hand and hack at their food. No matter where you work or live, what you drive, or where you went to school, I assume of you hold your fork like that and stab at your food, you probably didn’t grow up a particularly refined household. It’s not that I judge, but I can’t help but notice.

Yes the fred flintstone grip of the fork is painful to see.

I was taught all that too as a child, but I have to admit I absolutely don’t notice how other people are holding their forks.

Occasionally I do notice whether the fork overlaps the knife (tines down), or if the fork and knife are separated like rowboat oars (tines up), when someone is still eating. But that is only because I’m reminded of this one time during a meal w extended family (from different continents), when there was an overly spirited discussion on the subject. It was just at the age when us kids were starting to be more conscious about that kind of stuff, and probably why it came up at all.

I always do tines down too, and always parallel at an angle when I'm done. It doesn't really matter since every server everywhere still asks verbally. I guess I don't clean my plate!