DW with Borderline Personality Disorder? Depression? Bi-polar disorder?

[Anonymous]

DW just hasn't been the same since we had DC (5 years old). Angry rages. Mood swings. Wild accusations that aren't grounded in facts or any recognizable reality. Hates me when I am around. Hates me more when I leave even for the slightest amount of time, even on a single day business trip. Poor decision making ability compounded by stubbornness of a high order. Her rather dark moods can be brought on by circumstances (arguments or something else stressful at her workplace) or come out of nowhere. Sometimes just slinks into a corner in a quiet mood and keeps to herself (for hours). Sometimes aggressively looks for a fight. Seems to recognize some these attributes in herself and that her personality has changed dramatically, but refuses to get checked out by a doctor. Not quite sure what to do. Any opinions on this would be most helpful. Looking for the best possible way to get DW some help and save this marriage!

[CandyApple]

Hi OP,

I feel for you. I really do. But I also feel for your wife.
I've battled ravaging depression and bipolar disorder for years and was diagnosed 2 years after meeting my current partner. We've been together for almost 10.
I occasionally have episodes that involve paranoia, rage, unfounded and irrational fears (especially about my partner and relationship) and high anxiety. My partner and I refer to these episodes as "spinning out". I used to spin out randomly, with no warning and it could be very scary for me but for my partner too. He said he often would be nervous on his way home from work because he wasn't sure who would be greeting him; the sweet, smiling girl he loves or the dark, sad, sometimes volatile "other".
When you have bipolar disorder or you suffer from intense depression the world changes. You change but you don't really notice. You don't think about how you were happy last week or that you enjoy painting or playing soccer, you only think about the bad things. You think about sad things, you think about things that make you angry, you hear different tones in people's voices that make you suspicious, you see people differently. You're convinced that every time your partner looks at someone else that he doesn't really love you, he thinks she's more attractive, he's going to leave, etc. Oh, your friend looked at you funny and now you're pretty sure they don't want to be your friend because you're stupid and you have no personality and nothing interesting to say, or this happened and it means that and that happened and it means this and all along you can't see how skewed your vision is.
Sounds crazy, right?
Exactly.
This sickness takes hold of you and holds you so tight in it's grasp that you don't even notice when you're spinning out. You can be in a deep, dark hole and yeah, you know you're down but is it really that bad?
I wasn't aware enough to recognize when I was going off the deep end but I could recognize the depression. Some people who suffer from depression want someone to hold their hand and kind of drag them into it for support. I was just the opposite. When I felt depressed I would completely withdraw. I looked at it like I was doing my partner a favor but he looked at it like I was shutting him out. I knew I felt miserable and I didn't want him to be in that head space with me.
It was hearing my partner talk about his discomfort and fear and confusion and LONELINESS that made me want to actively seek help. I was so lonely too!
Anyway, when I finally started seeing a psychiatrist and started a medication routine (it needed continuous tweaking for a little while), I was able to take a step back and recognize some behavior that I didn't like very much.
I've been on my medication regimen for about a year now and we've both seen major improvement and although the episodes haven't stopped completely, they are less frequent and less intense.I'm also able to feel a spin-out coming on some of the time and can take the necessary steps to try and avoid it. Sometimes that means talking to my partner about it "Hey, I've noticed I'm feeling a bit anxious today. I think I may be on the verge of a spin-out. I'm going to try to keep things in perspective but I might need to talk to you about the weird shit going on inside my head later". and we do talk about it. Every fucked up, preposterous, out there fear/idea/suspicion I'm having and we hash it out and debunk it together and we both feel good after.
I hope you can suggest to your wife in a very sensitive and caring way that she may need some help and that that's okay. Tell her you've noticed that she seems unhappy or that you miss her smile. Reassure her that millions of people live with this sort of thing and can lead great lives! Suggest she do some reading. If she's unreceptive to a psychiatrist or the like, suggest marriage counseling for both of you. That way it's not all about her and what's wrong with her but about the both of you and what you both can do to help each other. It's also a great way for her to learn about her depression/condition from a professional who could possibly offer her help in a non-threatening way.
I hope that was at least a teeny bit of help and not just crazy ramblings.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you PP. All very useful information and matches a lot of my own experience with DW. With one crucial difference. DW is extremely reluctant to admit that there is something potentially wrong with her mental state.

We did try family counseling, but she can manage there to convince the therapist that it is all "reasonable". She has not been doing well at work, but not doing terribly either -- and the therapists view is that if she truly had bi polar disorder, she would be unable to function at work. My own view is that she uses all her strength to keep herself under control when at work and saves all the "crazy" for just me. As for myself, I have no doubt that she needs help, as I have seen how these moods develop and swing suddenly and how they can burst in a truly volcanic manner (not the way she was before we had DC). I have talked to a couple of pyschiatrists to explain the situation and they both said it was immediately obvious that she needed help and could benefit from medication (said that she possibly had both Axis I and Axis II symptoms) . We are now stuck because
she will just not go to a shrink (will only see psychologists). And taking medication is completely out as an option -- at least for her.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry for you. My mother was/is like this and it was a very difficult childhood. For years I had NO memories of spending any time with my mother at all--not a single memory of her during my entire childhood. They eventually filtered back through therapy and it was clear to me that her rages, unpredictability, seething anger, etc, were incredibly frightening. I never knew when she would lose it. Sometimes she would sleep for hours and hours, staying in her bedroom while my dad would take us out of the house, sometimes she would rage through the house, or just wander through it talking to herself. Sometimes she would suddenly throw all the clothes out of my closet onto the floor and scream about how disorganized they were and how she was the only one who ever organized everything (she did not work, we had a LIVE IN housekeeper/nanny even though she did not work, paid for by her parents--that was supposed to be college funds but she couldn't function). And, she made me feel as if it were all my fault. That having kids and marrying my dad had ruined her life (she used to walk around the house muttering angry words like this to herself).She also 'spins out' in paranoid, angry ways. I would get calls out of the blue in college from her, with her screaming about how selfish I was, just like my dad, how Idid everything for "me me me" and she sacrificed everything, etc, etc. Crazy, angry stuff. Ultimately, my parents divorced when I was 15, and I lived alone with her, which was pretty awful. I developed serious anxiety, horrible self esteem and eating disorders in my 20s. Got my shit together in my 30s.

I don't know how it affects your DC, but it does, trust me. Is there a time you can sit down with her when she's calm and lay it out? That you'll do anything n your power to help her, but if she refuses to get psychiatric evaluation, help and follow a regime that you cannot continue living like this and you are worried about how it is affecting your child? will she respond to that? My mother's rages were about not feeling heard--the problem is that nothing, it seemed, could get through to her in her depressed state.

[Anonymous]

My H said he was leaving. This was when I knew I needed to get help. I am now on meds and I am doing great (anxiety and mild depression). Family is intact and marriage is happier than it has ever been.

As a loving spouse, this may be what you will have to do to get her to realize that your family cannot go on like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My H said he was leaving. This was when I knew I needed to get help. I am now on meds and I am doing great (anxiety and mild depression). Family is intact and marriage is happier than it has ever been.

As a loving spouse, this may be what you will have to do to get her to realize that your family cannot go on like this.

+1

Also = your children. Men often seem to think that it's not really their job to protect their children from an unstable DW. Because society encourages them to be useless fathers. But it is.

[Anonymous]

Please make sure you have no weapons in your home

[Anonymous]

I feel for you OP. I have no doubt you are correctly assessing the situation now. I wonder though if in fact some evidence of this predates the birth of DC. I guess that's not really relevant to what you do today. Meds could help, allowing for some time to dial them in. DC needs best parents you can be, but probably, like most children, predisposed to model on whichever parent functions most effectively in the world. In my experience, pscyhologists can help with getting you capable in language and manner of interaction that helps open the door to a bit of self awareness in partners with these kind of difficult issues. It's a complicated dance that takes time - especially tough given the reality of demands on any couple - and add to that a DC.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Thanks PPs. to the 16.58 poster -- wow, that situation sounds awful. Not sure how you managed it. DW has so far been less aggressive than that. It is still a huge challenge. Especially when her thoughts, observations and reactions are not grounded in reality. I am worried sick as to whether this will all reflect itself in DC in the years to come. Feeling a bit hopeless myself.

To the 2.16 and 23.53 posters: DW both does and does not seem afraid or worried about a divorce. Sometimes when she is peaking in her anger, she asks for one herself. And at other times, seems to be afraid of me being away even for a single day. It is hard to explain or even understand. Suffice it to say it isn't obvious that the threat of me leaving would move her to seek help.

[Anonymous]

Document EVERYTHING. For a therapist and/or for a divorce attorney.

[Anonymous]

We did try family counseling, but she can manage there to convince the therapist that it is all "reasonable". She has not been doing well at work, but not doing terribly either -- and the therapists view is that if she truly had bi polar disorder, she would be unable to function at work.

The counselor is flat out wrong. As you summized, people with mental illness/additctions can often keep it together at work and save their crazy for home.

I'm really sorry you're in this position. I know it's not what you expected when you married and had kids. You need to decide what your boundaries are and what your response will be when your wife crosses those boundaries. It may mean that you do divorce. You need to decide what's best for you and your DC. I'm really sorry.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a caring DH with a big problem -- I know, BTDT. Depression or bipolar disorders are terrible diseases and they need to be treated. Most people do not know that it is a disease, which can and often is fatal. The person gives up, or has an accident or other.
Clinical depression (which is what it sounds like your wife has) is a state of mind that is difficult to describe to someone who has never experienced it. It goes beyond sadness and becomes a worldview. The person is entirely convinced that their negative and melancholy view and rages are the absolute correct one and everyone else just doesn’t get it. They may feel sad, but the feelings are far beyond that. Depressions like this are external -- they are not directly related to anything in particular, although things aggravate it. Rage is a from of depression.

As for exposing a child of 5 years old to that. Very, very hard on a child. Try to limit the time your DW spends with your child while in this state of mind. Very frightening and distorted to a child. Daycare, nanny, preschool—whatever it takes.
As for working: many depressed individuals throw themselves into work and do quite well. That is not an adequate measure of a person’s mental state. (There are studies about this).

There are excellent books on depression and bipolar illness at any bookstore that explain this far better than I ever could.
The best therapy is medication. Try to find and understanding and sympatric doctor who can help your wife understand that taking a medication is not an admission of mental illness. She can try it for awhile and see what she thinks afterwards. Most people think more clearly and are much happier. It is such a waste of everyone’s life and so damaging to your child to be in this state of mind. I wish you all the best, and I hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks again PPs. I am practically tearing up reading these responses as the difficulty of the situation -- present and future -- is starting to come into full focus. I think I will try a bit harder to get DW to accept Meds and see if that works. Hasn't worked at all in the past, but all other options have been exhausted and DC is now at an age where she is able to observe and understand what she is seeing.

[Anonymous]

I posted before in this thread.

Tell your DW that she MUST go to a doctor this week and try medication or you will leave her and take your DC. Period. You will no longer live this way.

That is what got me in the door to the doctor myself. My sweet H had to take a hard stand for me to realize that I could not continue like this. The affect on the kids was too profound and he would no longer condone it. I had no idea what the effect was--- I could not see it myself.

Once I was on meds, I was horrified that I treated my family this way.

Take a stand. You may save your family this way. I am so grateful NOW to my H. At the time, I was not so grateful.