Reply to DW with Borderline Personality Disorder? Depression? Bi-polar disorder?

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[quote=CandyApple]Hi OP,

I feel for you. I really do. But I also feel for your wife.
I've battled ravaging depression and bipolar disorder for years and was diagnosed 2 years after meeting my current partner. We've been together for almost 10.
I occasionally have episodes that involve paranoia, rage, unfounded and irrational fears (especially about my partner and relationship) and high anxiety.  My partner and I refer to these episodes as "spinning out". I used to spin out randomly, with no warning and it could be very scary for me but for my partner too.  He said he often would be nervous on his way home from work because he wasn't sure who would be greeting him; the sweet, smiling girl he loves or the dark, sad, sometimes volatile "other".
When you have bipolar disorder or you suffer from intense depression the world changes. You change but you don't really notice.  You don't think about how you were happy last week or that you enjoy painting or playing soccer, you only think about the bad things.  You think about sad things, you think about things that make you angry, you hear different tones in people's voices that make you suspicious, you see people differently. You're convinced that every time your partner looks at someone else that he doesn't really love you, he thinks she's more attractive, he's going to leave, etc. Oh, your friend looked at you funny and now you're pretty sure they don't want to be your friend because you're stupid and you have no personality and nothing interesting to say, or this happened and it means that and that happened and it means this and all along you can't see how skewed your vision is.
Sounds crazy, right?
Exactly.
This sickness takes hold of you and holds you so tight in it's grasp that you don't even notice when you're spinning out. You can be in a deep, dark hole and yeah, you know you're down but is it really that bad?
I wasn't aware enough to recognize when I was going off the deep end but I could recognize the depression.  Some people who suffer from depression want someone to hold their hand and kind of drag them into it for support.  I was just the opposite.  When I felt depressed I would completely withdraw.  I looked at it like I was doing my partner a favor but he looked at it like I was shutting him out.  I knew I felt miserable and I didn't want him to be in that head space with me.
It was hearing my partner talk about his discomfort and fear and confusion and LONELINESS that made me want to actively seek help. I was so lonely too!
Anyway, when I finally started seeing a psychiatrist and started a medication routine (it needed continuous tweaking for a little while), I was able to take a step back and recognize some behavior that I didn't like very much.
I've been on my medication regimen for about a year now and we've both seen major improvement and although the episodes haven't stopped completely, they are less frequent and less intense.I'm also able to feel a spin-out coming on some of the time and can take the necessary steps to try and avoid it.  Sometimes that means talking to my partner about it "Hey, I've noticed I'm feeling a bit anxious today.  I think I may be on the verge of a spin-out. I'm going to try to keep things in perspective but I might need to talk to you about the weird shit going on inside my head later". and we do talk about it.  Every fucked up, preposterous, out there fear/idea/suspicion I'm having and we hash it out and debunk it together and we both feel good after.
I hope you can suggest to your wife in a very sensitive and caring way that she may need some help and that that's okay. Tell her you've noticed that she seems unhappy or that you miss her smile. Reassure her that millions of people live with this sort of thing and can lead great lives! Suggest she do some reading. If she's unreceptive to a psychiatrist or the like, suggest marriage counseling for both of you.  That way it's not all about her and what's wrong with her but about the both of you and what you both can do to help each other. It's also a great way for her to learn about her depression/condition from a professional who could possibly offer her help in a non-threatening way.
I hope that was at least a teeny bit of help and not just crazy ramblings. :D
Good luck![/quote]

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