Sometimes I just don't know what to do...

[Anonymous]

DCUM has been very helpful to me this past year. I have in-law problems, DH issues, and an SN child. My SN is eight years old. He is extremely defiant and argumentative. He's very smart too so sometimes I feel stupid because I can't win his arguments or they tire me out.

I don't want to discuss his diagnosis. I just want to know what to do about the day to day struggles which are slowly destroying me as a person.

For example, after his bath he drops his towel on the floor. We have told him hundreds of times to put it back up on the towel bar. We put up signs, posters on the mirror in the bathrooms, and that worked for about two or three weeks. Then he got used to the sign I guess because it started again. So in exasperation I took my ponytail off and wrapped it around the towel. It tightly bound the towel so the towel could not come off the towel ring easily. Seeing it angered him. He said it made him feel criticized and stupid so he yanked both towel and ponytail off and left it on the floor for me to find. I broke down into tears. My tears aren't about the towel anymore. They're about the defiance, the complete inability to obey authority figures, the inability to recognize when he's wrong and why and want to do something about it.

His school had a thanksgiving lunch and he asked me not to come. He only went with his dad. That hurt me so much. Our relationship has deteriorated to that and I can not find a way to repair it. Yet I can not accept the way he is.

I have a baby in the house and he keeps snuggling and touching the baby even though he may have a cold or bronchitis or flu. I tell him hundreds of time but he still keeps doing it. When I put him in time out or withdraw privileges when he disobeys me, he wails and tantrums. The baby is always startled by his screaming and wailing.

He just doesn't want anybody telling him what to do.

Today I told him I was done. I feel so support from DH who doesn't help me enough. He also has a different parenting style. He doesn't intercede much in trying to effect change in DS so I feel the full burden always falls on me to try to make him learn simple manners and courtesies. So I told DH and DS I needed to get away. I am thinking of taking my baby and getting an apartment for just us for a while. I just can't parent my son anymore and I can't take it anymore.

How do you deal with a child like this? Btw, I have no family anywhere near us to help. My parents are aged and mom has cancer. Even getting somebody to watch DS for a few hours is not enough help for me. The thought of returning and having to take him on again is too much to bear.

[Anonymous]

Forgot to add, he is on stimulant adhd medication, which works a little but the defiance and arguing and oppositional behavior is still there. I stopped yelling at him and try to only repeatedly tell him nicely but it's just not working. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking things are getting better...but they're not.

[Anonymous]

How about getting an therapist (ABA) to come in and work with him on the behavior issues (and you as well)?

[Anonymous]

You need to go to therapy to help you deal with this kid. The kid is who he is. You're not handling it well. You need cognitive therapy for yourself.

[Anonymous]

You need to get some professional help for yourself first OP. You are stressed to the max and now wanting to walk away and avoid. Avoiding won't fix your problems.

Call a therapist, ask for a crisis appointment. You are in crisis. You have a great deal going on, it is okay to say you can't do it alone, that you need help to figure it out. .

Then once you are not in crisis mode, more professional help for your son, your mother-son relationship, your marriage and parenting skills for a defiant child. But take care of yourself first.

[Anonymous]

OP here. DH hates ABA, says it's like training an animal. DS isn't ASD either and DH says ABA is for severely impacted ASD kids. So ABA is not an available option for me.

I'm already in therapy. I see a psychiatrist to deal with DS but he simply tells me to try to accept the way DS is. Easier said than done. Life is incredibly difficult with a kid like DS to parent.

[Anonymous]

You seem locked in power struggle with this child. It's no longer about the towel or the snuggling. It's about winning.

I agree it's time for therapy for you.

[Anonymous]

I have a couple of thoughts. First of all, ABA isn't the only form of behavioral intervention. There have been threads here about behavioral experts you could search for or maybe someone else will have a suggestion. Pitch it to your husband as something very different from ABA, something much more targeted to what your DS is exhibiting.

And then back off. Until you have a system in place you can't win these power struggles. The only thing that will work is a behavior system that is laid out in advance, not in the heat of a moment of confrontation.

Your psychiatrist is failing you. You are feeling worse and worse and the situation is deteriorating so clearly this psychiatrist isn't helping. I think you either need to point that out to him -- maybe even print out what you wrote here and show it to him -- or find another. I receive support from a psychiatrist for my own issues with my kids, and I get a whole lot more than "just accept the situation." You deserve to feel better. You may also want to explore medication. Sure, you may feel depression because of the circumstances, but its still depression and it can be treated.

You also need a therapist who can help you with your husband. If its not the one you have, find another.

And, finally, your son's meds need to be revisited. Are you seeing a developmental pediatrician? if your general pediatrician is prescribing, you need a specialist. And if you have a specialist, you may need to switch.

[Anonymous]

It's time for a therapist for just you alone, not just seeing one for help with your child.

I totally get how you are feeling. I've totally been there.

This is not going to get better until YOU get better. And I do not mean that to say that you are not a good mom, I mean that you are overwhelmed and seeing avoidance as your best option right now, which needs to be addressed first.

Sending hugs your way.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post when my son was 5 and then again when he was 8.

At 5 I went to family therapist that gave me parenting strategies that basically worked until new issues arose at 8. I only went to about 6 sessions with her.

At 5, basically what I did was part 2 of Magic 1-2-3 which is the charting good behaviors. I would give him a star if the towel went where it was suppose to go and 10 stars earned something like a piece of candy. The problem is that it worked for my son - it might not work for your son. So really a family therapist to work on strategies is the first step. It still works - if I say if you get in the car on time you get ice cream is much more effective than saying if you don't get in the car on time I am taking away ice cream. Exactly the same but different.

When he was 8 I was totally in crisis (my dad was dying and school became impossible). A very wise neurologist talked to me and told me "you are in the thick of it" 8 years old is the thick of it and it will get better. Then he said "do you believe me?" I was like - I don't know. He said work with a therapist and keep working and working until something starts to work. Then do that until it stops working and then go back and figure out what is not working.

So my son at 8 went to a Behavioral Therapist - for anxiety, impulsivity, anger outburts. About 10 meetings later our life was so much easier. It took about 4 months. I hated it because I just had to listen to somebody tell me I was doing it all wrong. He has OCDish issues and I can't give into them. But it's OCD right - he can't control it right? But there are things you can do to help - but you don't know what they are - because you are a mother not a psycologist.

Sometimes dads are on board and sometimes they are not. You have to do what you think is right. Right now whatever is going on is not right.

It will get better but you can't do this alone. Get help.

Also impulsive kids have problems around December - change of weather, looking forward to the holidays, etc - it is a lot to handle. This time of year is hard.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Psych did recommend anti-depressant meds but I'm breastfeeding and would like to avoid that until I'm done bf'ing.

Honestly though no medication is going to give me the ability to deal with such a defiant child. I need to know how to effectively deal with him. He tires me out so much.

For DS we have a specialist. This psych deals mostly with Aspergers and ADHD children. She's a local expert that came very highly recommended by a few people. She was the third psych we saw. But she has only seen DS once now. We have a followup in two weeks.

[Anonymous]

If you know this child drops his towel on the floor...then why are spending so much energy in NOT picking it up. This almost sounds ludicrous to me. He tires you out so much...it sounds like your own behavior is tiring you out.
Similarly, spending so much energy not letting him touch the baby is really silly. Has the baby gotten sick? If the answer is no, move on.

This all sounds like a huge waste of energy and I can't exactly label this child defiant. This sounds like a personality clash to me. It also sounds like YOU.DON'T.LIKE.HIM.

Seriously, just give up all these routines and agendas you have. Stop trying to "manage" him and he might actually behave better.

[Anonymous]

OP: Time for some tough love. You have a lot of excuses. Find a new therapist if the current one is not helping you or giving you better coping strategies.

And, pick your battles. Fight the ones with your child which really matter and have a big impact. A towel on the floor while it is annoying is not the end of the world. Let it go and focus on the big picture.

We've all had kids who are sick around babies, it is normal. Don't push him away because he wants to snuggle -- encourage him to develop a good relationship with the baby. I'm worried that by you pushing him away it is going to cause him to be resentful of the baby and even more resentful of you.

Again, I think it is a matter of pick your battles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could have written your post when my son was 5 and then again when he was 8.

At 5 I went to family therapist that gave me parenting strategies that basically worked until new issues arose at 8. I only went to about 6 sessions with her.

At 5, basically what I did was part 2 of Magic 1-2-3 which is the charting good behaviors. I would give him a star if the towel went where it was suppose to go and 10 stars earned something like a piece of candy. The problem is that it worked for my son - it might not work for your son. So really a family therapist to work on strategies is the first step. It still works - if I say if you get in the car on time you get ice cream is much more effective than saying if you don't get in the car on time I am taking away ice cream. Exactly the same but different.

When he was 8 I was totally in crisis (my dad was dying and school became impossible). A very wise neurologist talked to me and told me "you are in the thick of it" 8 years old is the thick of it and it will get better. Then he said "do you believe me?" I was like - I don't know. He said work with a therapist and keep working and working until something starts to work. Then do that until it stops working and then go back and figure out what is not working.

So my son at 8 went to a Behavioral Therapist - for anxiety, impulsivity, anger outburts. About 10 meetings later our life was so much easier. It took about 4 months. I hated it because I just had to listen to somebody tell me I was doing it all wrong. He has OCDish issues and I can't give into them. But it's OCD right - he can't control it right? But there are things you can do to help - but you don't know what they are - because you are a mother not a psycologist.

Sometimes dads are on board and sometimes they are not. You have to do what you think is right. Right now whatever is going on is not right.

It will get better but you can't do this alone. Get help.

Also impulsive kids have problems around December - change of weather, looking forward to the holidays, etc - it is a lot to handle. This time of year is hard.

OP here. PP, I'm happy that your situation improved. I honestly don't know if my DS will change. And DH tells me all the time it's my fault and I need to change. But DH's way is simply to tolerate the way DS is. One time in school DS was very rude with me and his music teacher heard him. He was shocked and scolded DS right in front of me, saying that's a terrible way to speak to a mother. Later DS was angry that the music teacher spoke to him that way. He doesn't care if he's rude with me. He doesn't want anybody disciplining him. The star chart and candy idea - we did that. It didn't work for DS who doesn't care all that much for candy believe it or not.

I don't feel appreciated here at my home at all and I do so much. I feel like I'm holding down everything. I am caring for a baby who still does not sleep through the night. I take and pick up DS from school. I help him with homework. I help him with problems at school. I give him massages to fall asleep at night when he can't. I have to make special meals for him because he's a picky eater (sensory issues). And now it's my fault that he is rude and defiant with me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Yes, the baby did get sick because of him before. Right now he has bronchitis. I don't stop him from snuggling, but tell him to not touch baby's hands unless he washes his hands first and I tell him to avoid getting his nose and mouth near hers.