Sometimes I just don't know what to do...

[Anonymous]

it doesn't sound like your psychiatrist is a great therapist. You need more of a counselor/therapist, a social worker who is used to working with families and

[Anonymous]

OP, all kids are rude to their mothers from time to time. I know I was. You sound like a real martyr who treaures the bad times and how put upon she is. I really don't know your child well enough to say, but you sound very critical to me. I've seen your posts before about the towel issue and honestly it's not that big a deal.

How can you say that he got the baby sick? Even if he never went near the baby, the two kids might be sick at the same time.

[Anonymous]

How about

http://www.amazon.com/Kazdin-Method-Parenting-Defiant-Child/dp/0618773673

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH hates ABA, says it's like training an animal. DS isn't ASD either and DH says ABA is for severely impacted ASD kids. So ABA is not an available option for me.

I'm already in therapy. I see a psychiatrist to deal with DS but he simply tells me to try to accept the way DS is. Easier said than done. Life is incredibly difficult with a kid like DS to parent.

More tough love:

Life is incredibly hard for your child. You are controlling and rejecting. You are teaching him that he is unlovable. You are engaged in a power struggle that neither of you can win. If you don't correct this right now, it's going to leave scars for the rest of his life. What you are doing is highly damaging to your child. It's not doing you any good, either. T his kid is defiant because he is angry with you. No matter what he does, he feels like he is never going to make you happy. He is sure that he is not good enough to be loved and is sure that he will never be good enough.

If your therapist isn't helping you move towards acceptance of your child, then you need to find a new therapist. You need to start focusing on the good things about your child and about your life with your child. You need to start building good experiences into your relationship with him. You need to limit your criticism of him.

As far as anti-depressants go, stop breast feeding and start the medication. BF isn't the be all and end all. You need to get some help relaxing with your oldest child. A daily aerobic exercise program would also take some stress off of you.

[Anonymous]

NP here -- hugs to you, OP. You sound like you are an exhausted new mom with a very challenging older child. It sounds like you were having trouble with him before, and now with the new baby, you're nerves are worn thin.

Obviously more effective therapy would be ideal, but maybe until the baby sleeps through the night you could just let go of the "issues" with your son, and let things go a bit? Try to tell yourself that you can "work" on those issues later, and now just try to get through this difficult time.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH hates ABA, says it's like training an animal. DS isn't ASD either and DH says ABA is for severely impacted ASD kids. So ABA is not an available option for me.

I'm already in therapy. I see a psychiatrist to deal with DS but he simply tells me to try to accept the way DS is. Easier said than done. Life is incredibly difficult with a kid like DS to parent.

More tough love:

Life is incredibly hard for your child. You are controlling and rejecting. You are teaching him that he is unlovable. You are engaged in a power struggle that neither of you can win. If you don't correct this right now, it's going to leave scars for the rest of his life. What you are doing is highly damaging to your child. It's not doing you any good, either. T his kid is defiant because he is angry with you. No matter what he does, he feels like he is never going to make you happy. He is sure that he is not good enough to be loved and is sure that he will never be good enough.

If your therapist isn't helping you move towards acceptance of your child, then you need to find a new therapist. You need to start focusing on the good things about your child and about your life with your child. You need to start building good experiences into your relationship with him. You need to limit your criticism of him.


As far as anti-depressants go, stop breast feeding and start the medication. BF isn't the be all and end all. You need to get some help relaxing with your oldest child. A daily aerobic exercise program would also take some stress off of you.

+1

May I also add:

There is no child on earth who is going to easily admit he is wrong.

There is no child on earth who likes being disciplined or who is easy to discipline.

There is no child on earth who you only have to tell things once.

There is no child on earth who is never rude to his mother.

[Anonymous]

Accepting him the way he is doesn't mean you can't learn strategies that will support him in acting in more prosocial ways. Having ASD or ADHD is a not a license to be rude. It might mean thought hat you have to work differently with him to get him there. Have you taken any parenting classes OP?

[Anonymous]

It is very hard having a child with special needs and a new baby. Just to let ypu know zoloft is approved for breastfeeding. I had the baby blues and Zoloft helped tremendously! I really felt the same way, like I just couldn't do it ALL anymore. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

His school had a thanksgiving lunch and he asked me not to come. He only went with his dad. That hurt me so much. Our relationship has deteriorated to that and I can not find a way to repair it. Yet I can not accept the way he is.


Today I told him I was done. I feel so support from DH who doesn't help me enough. He also has a different parenting style. He doesn't intercede much in trying to effect change in DS so I feel the full burden always falls on me to try to make him learn simple manners and courtesies. So I told DH and DS I needed to get away. I am thinking of taking my baby and getting an apartment for just us for a while. I just can't parent my son anymore and I can't take it anymore.



I don't understand this at all. He can't ask to spend some alone time with his dad...but you can tell him you are "done" with him? So you can reject him completely, but he can't so much as have an hour's independence from you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:His school had a thanksgiving lunch and he asked me not to come. He only went with his dad. That hurt me so much. Our relationship has deteriorated to that and I can not find a way to repair it. Yet I can not accept the way he is.


Today I told him I was done. I feel so support from DH who doesn't help me enough. He also has a different parenting style. He doesn't intercede much in trying to effect change in DS so I feel the full burden always falls on me to try to make him learn simple manners and courtesies. So I told DH and DS I needed to get away. I am thinking of taking my baby and getting an apartment for just us for a while. I just can't parent my son anymore and I can't take it anymore.



I don't understand this at all. He can't ask to spend some alone time with his dad...but you can tell him you are "done" with him? So you can reject him completely, but he can't so much as have an hour's independence from you?

no, he tons of alone time w dad! They do sports together, they go out to lunch and dinner together, they watch movies by themselves, they go shopping together. There's no shortage of alone time with dad. This thanksgiving lunch is a family thing. Grandparents, parents, siblings, everyone is encouraged to come. This is the first year he specifically asked me not to come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His school had a thanksgiving lunch and he asked me not to come. He only went with his dad. That hurt me so much. Our relationship has deteriorated to that and I can not find a way to repair it. Yet I can not accept the way he is.


Today I told him I was done. I feel so support from DH who doesn't help me enough. He also has a different parenting style. He doesn't intercede much in trying to effect change in DS so I feel the full burden always falls on me to try to make him learn simple manners and courtesies. So I told DH and DS I needed to get away. I am thinking of taking my baby and getting an apartment for just us for a while. I just can't parent my son anymore and I can't take it anymore.



I don't understand this at all. He can't ask to spend some alone time with his dad...but you can tell him you are "done" with him? So you can reject him completely, but he can't so much as have an hour's independence from you?

no, he tons of alone time w dad! They do sports together, they go out to lunch and dinner together, they watch movies by themselves, they go shopping together. There's no shortage of alone time with dad. This thanksgiving lunch is a family thing. Grandparents, parents, siblings, everyone is encouraged to come. This is the first year he specifically asked me not to come.

Ohmygoodness. OP, are you purposely being dense? The person you quoted was pointing out how inappropriate your response is to him. For the situation to improve with your son you have got to see how destructive your behavior towards him is -- he's a child and you are the adult. You don't get to act immaturely because he does. It is not tit for tat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, all kids are rude to their mothers from time to time. I know I was. You sound like a real martyr who treaures the bad times and how put upon she is. I really don't know your child well enough to say, but you sound very critical to me. I've seen your posts before about the towel issue and honestly it's not that big a deal.

How can you say that he got the baby sick? Even if he never went near the baby, the two kids might be sick at the same time.

I know about that other towel post and I wasn't the OP of that one. That hit home though. I even wrote in on that post and offered my advice! How ironic since my DS started doing it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His school had a thanksgiving lunch and he asked me not to come. He only went with his dad. That hurt me so much. Our relationship has deteriorated to that and I can not find a way to repair it. Yet I can not accept the way he is.


Today I told him I was done. I feel so support from DH who doesn't help me enough. He also has a different parenting style. He doesn't intercede much in trying to effect change in DS so I feel the full burden always falls on me to try to make him learn simple manners and courtesies. So I told DH and DS I needed to get away. I am thinking of taking my baby and getting an apartment for just us for a while. I just can't parent my son anymore and I can't take it anymore.



I don't understand this at all. He can't ask to spend some alone time with his dad...but you can tell him you are "done" with him? So you can reject him completely, but he can't so much as have an hour's independence from you?

no, he tons of alone time w dad! They do sports together, they go out to lunch and dinner together, they watch movies by themselves, they go shopping together. There's no shortage of alone time with dad. This thanksgiving lunch is a family thing. Grandparents, parents, siblings, everyone is encouraged to come. This is the first year he specifically asked me not to come.

Ohmygoodness. OP, are you purposely being dense? The person you quoted was pointing out how inappropriate your response is to him. For the situation to improve with your son you have got to see how destructive your behavior towards him is -- he's a child and you are the adult. You don't get to act immaturely because he does. It is not tit for tat.

Can you stop with the insults? I'm here trying to get support and suggestions. Spare me the insults. Okay so can you give me some concrete solutions to these examples?
- what do I do when he throws his dinner out, the same dinner which he asks me to make?
- what do I do when he helps himself to gluten items in the frig when he has a gluten allergy?
- what do I do when he jumps on the bed even when I place the baby on the bed?
- what do I do when he plugs up the bathtub drain because he thinks it would be fun to do. And then does it three more times even after I tell him not to do it?
- what do I do when he loses his electronic toy privileges and then sneaks it into his backpack anyway to school?
- what do I do when he shakes the baby's playpen with the baby in it?
- what do I do when I ask him to do his homework and he says, "You can't make me do it?"
These are just obviously a few examples. I have no ideas on how to resolve each of these. When I take privileges away as my DH asks me to do, DS says, "It's okay I know I'll get the electronic toys back eventually." When I tell him to go into time out, he taunts me from his timeout place.

Is my DS the only person who does these things? You sound like a mature person so I know you must have ideas as to what I should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His school had a thanksgiving lunch and he asked me not to come. He only went with his dad. That hurt me so much. Our relationship has deteriorated to that and I can not find a way to repair it. Yet I can not accept the way he is.


Today I told him I was done. I feel so support from DH who doesn't help me enough. He also has a different parenting style. He doesn't intercede much in trying to effect change in DS so I feel the full burden always falls on me to try to make him learn simple manners and courtesies. So I told DH and DS I needed to get away. I am thinking of taking my baby and getting an apartment for just us for a while. I just can't parent my son anymore and I can't take it anymore.



I don't understand this at all. He can't ask to spend some alone time with his dad...but you can tell him you are "done" with him? So you can reject him completely, but he can't so much as have an hour's independence from you?

no, he tons of alone time w dad! They do sports together, they go out to lunch and dinner together, they watch movies by themselves, they go shopping together. There's no shortage of alone time with dad. This thanksgiving lunch is a family thing. Grandparents, parents, siblings, everyone is encouraged to come. This is the first year he specifically asked me not to come.

Ohmygoodness. OP, are you purposely being dense? The person you quoted was pointing out how inappropriate your response is to him. For the situation to improve with your son you have got to see how destructive your behavior towards him is -- he's a child and you are the adult. You don't get to act immaturely because he does. It is not tit for tat.

Can you stop with the insults? I'm here trying to get support and suggestions. Spare me the insults. Okay so can you give me some concrete solutions to these examples?
- what do I do when he throws his dinner out, the same dinner which he asks me to make?
- what do I do when he helps himself to gluten items in the frig when he has a gluten allergy?
- what do I do when he jumps on the bed even when I place the baby on the bed?
- what do I do when he plugs up the bathtub drain because he thinks it would be fun to do. And then does it three more times even after I tell him not to do it?
- what do I do when he loses his electronic toy privileges and then sneaks it into his backpack anyway to school?
- what do I do when he shakes the baby's playpen with the baby in it?
- what do I do when I ask him to do his homework and he says, "You can't make me do it?"
These are just obviously a few examples. I have no ideas on how to resolve each of these. When I take privileges away as my DH asks me to do, DS says, "It's okay I know I'll get the electronic toys back eventually." When I tell him to go into time out, he taunts me from his timeout place.

Is my DS the only person who does these things? You sound like a mature person so I know you must have ideas as to what I should do.

NP here -- OP, no one is saying you don't have it rough. You absolutely do. But your posts suggest that your position is that (1) nothing you are doing is contributing to the situation, (2) you've tried everything and nothing has worked, and (3) you're not willing to change anything you are doing. We can't tell you "You must do X, Y and Z, and that will fix everything, and here is what you do for each of the problems you've raised." We don't know you, and we don't know your family. But if you start with a mindset of "There is nothing I can or will do to change this," well, then, you're kind of trapped. So, you need to change that mind set.

There is nothing you can do that will force your DS to behave. There is nothing you can do to force your DH to change. The only person you can control here is yourself. Start there. I'm not saying it won't be a challenge. But what other choice do you have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you stop with the insults? I'm here trying to get support and suggestions. Spare me the insults. Okay so can you give me some concrete solutions to these examples?
- what do I do when he throws his dinner out, the same dinner which he asks me to make?
- what do I do when he helps himself to gluten items in the frig when he has a gluten allergy?
- what do I do when he jumps on the bed even when I place the baby on the bed?
- what do I do when he plugs up the bathtub drain because he thinks it would be fun to do. And then does it three more times even after I tell him not to do it?
- what do I do when he loses his electronic toy privileges and then sneaks it into his backpack anyway to school?
- what do I do when he shakes the baby's playpen with the baby in it?
- what do I do when I ask him to do his homework and he says, "You can't make me do it?"
These are just obviously a few examples. I have no ideas on how to resolve each of these. When I take privileges away as my DH asks me to do, DS says, "It's okay I know I'll get the electronic toys back eventually." When I tell him to go into time out, he taunts me from his timeout place.

Is my DS the only person who does these things? You sound like a mature person so I know you must have ideas as to what I should do.

* If he throws out his dinner, than say that is it for tonight. We will have a healthy breakfast. If he is hungry he will eat.
* Remove all gluten from the house. Everyone can go gluten free.
* You should not have a baby on the bed -- it isn't safe for the baby
* Put the electronic toy out of his reach

I think though, you need help. There's bigger issues at play here. I hope you can find the help you need.