Sometimes I just don't know what to do...
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Anonymous
| For one thing, you could stop acting like perfect behavior is the norm and he's the deviant from the norm. And stop acting like a victim. |
Anonymous
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- what do I do when he throws his dinner out, the same dinner which he asks me to make?
He doesn't eat dinner. - what do I do when he helps himself to gluten items in the frig when he has a gluten allergy? Why are there gluten items in your house? - what do I do when he jumps on the bed even when I place the baby on the bed? Move the baby - what do I do when he plugs up the bathtub drain because he thinks it would be fun to do. And then does it three more times even after I tell him not to do it? Tell him where he can do some plugging and engineering. Give him an activity. - what do I do when he loses his electronic toy privileges and then sneaks it into his backpack anyway to school? Lock it up. - what do I do when he shakes the baby's playpen with the baby in it? So what??? - what do I do when I ask him to do his homework and he says, "You can't make me do it?" Laugh. |
Anonymous
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Question for you, OP:
Tell us five great things about your child. |
Anonymous
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I am feeling very protective of OP right now because I think she is in crisis and unless you've been there you have no idea what thats like. The odds that she has depression, maybe even just the postpartum variety, seem very high to me. As someone who has had a serious bout of depression, I can tell you that there is a cognitive aspect to it that clouds your thinking, that makes it very difficult to think through problems. When OP writes that she doesn't think her DS can ever change, that is the classic talk of a depressive. It really looks like that to her and insulting her isn't going to help.
OP, I agree with the others about either stopping the breast feeding and starting an anti-depressant or finding one that is compatible with breastfeeding. I know a woman who had serious postpartum depression that was exacerbated by breastfeeding. There is a lot of pressure to breast feed in our culture right now, way too much in my opinion. You can't take care of your kids until you take care of yourself. Everything on your laundry list of power struggles comes down to the need for behavior modification. You need to have structure, structure, structure so you aren't reacting in the situation. Instead you have a set of rules to follow so you don't have to doubt yourself or raise your voice or feel overwhelmed. And please ignore the posters who are blaming you. Its easy for some people to do that if they haven't experience this themselves. |
Anonymous
| OP, hugs to you. Raising a kid with those issues is fucking hard. It just is. And there are times when your goal should just be to get through that particular stage and survive in one piece. I think when you can get a moment to breathe, it might help you to formulate a strategy. But that takes energy and will and it sounds to me like you don't have much of either right now. That's okay. It means you have to work on your system before his. When you feel better (drugs + therapy with a good person works wonders), try to take the power struggle out of the situation. And set realistic goals, which means you need to have an understanding of what kids that age can do. My very, very mature and nt 8 yr old dd (her sister is sn), forgets all the time to pick up her towel, underwear, socks, close her drawers, etc. I walk by and say "I see a towel on the floor" (not pick up that towel, or you dropped something) and she will pick it up, because it's not about me anymore. I know simple solutions don't always work with sn kids, so take this as just one possible suggestion. My heart goes out to you, because it's tough parenting challenging kids. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| I'm 14:31 and I posted before reading all the other responses. I just want to say that I'm really disappointed with this thread. Aren't parents of sn kids allowed to feel like they've had enough? Aren't we allowed to vent? Aren't we allowed to feel like we can't do it anymore? Maybe if we supported OP she would recognize that exhaustion is the root of the problem, not her lack of concern/love for her kid, which is what has been insinuated. I also think it's kind of ironic that some pps are "yelling" at her that she should be kind to her kid, damn it! Right now, OP lacks perspective because she's exhausted and overwhelmed. Until she feels supported by whomever (husband, her community, etc) it's going to be very hard for her to push forward. |
Anonymous
Don't rule out anything and don't listen to your husband. ABA is about finding the right and flexible provider to come in and help you deal with some of the power struggles. There are other kinds of therapy that are similar such as floortime. I had the same opinion as everyone has negative comments. We interviewed three providers - two were good but it turned out one did not take our insurance. Ours came out and met with us for free and was completely flexible about how (we don't need behavior charts and all that as positive phrase works well). Ours will work with both of us or our child alone (giving me a break to do other stuff). Our child does not have severe ABA and it is very good for that. We have very mild along with some other minor issues. I said no way but after thinking about it decided if the help is there why not take it. Sometimes kids do better with others than their parents. It is the only style that our insurance pays for. I agree with PP that your psychiatrist is failing you. You need to "accept" who he is but that doesn't mean you should not work on the behaviors and your relationship with him so he can have a more positive experience in life. Just by reaching out here is a good step. It sounds like your husband is just as much an issue as your child's behavior. How about ABA for him?  Hang in there.
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Anonymous
| Just like OP's accepting her son means she can still continue to work on his behaviors that are unacceptable, our accepting and empathizing with OP means we still can point out to her that her behavior and attitude need to change. It's not one or the other. We can be a nurturing community and still say to OP that she needs a major attitude adjustment. |
Anonymous
1. Dinner. I would not make a dinner for him again. He could eat what I serve or nothing. If he complained of being hungry after throwing out dinner, I would hand him a piece of fruit and send him to bed. 2. No gluten food in the house. It's not fair to people with food allergies to keep their allergic food in the house if they like it. 3. I'd pick him up off the bed, and put him on a time out chair. IF I had to physically hold him there, then that is what I'd do. 4. Time out. 5. Electronics go to the Salvation Army or Goodwill. 6. If he's shaking the baby's cribs, I would physically remove him from the situation and give him a time out. If I had to hold him in a time out, I would. If he tantrums, basket hold him until he stops. 7. Ignore his ass when he is in timeout. He's trying to get a reaction, don't give it to him. My kid would yell that he hated me from time-out. I just said "That's okay. You're angry. I love you anyway, even when you're angry at me. I love you even when I am angry at you." That would make him even madder. 
I have a kid with ASD/HFA. He did stuff like this and worse. He doesn't do it now. He's the most loving, sweet boy you could want to meet. We didn't put up with that behavior and still don't. You might not like ABA, but positive reinforcement/negative reinforcement/punishers work on kids. (Go light on the punishers.) As far as the homework goes, he's right. You can't make him do it. My brother did that one to my mom. She finally said "Fine. If you flunk, though, you're repeating the 4th grade." He flunked and she made him repeat. He didn't pull that trick again. If my child is tantrumming, I physically restrain him. I will sit him down on my knee and put my arms around him, so he can't move his hands/arms. I talk very calmly to him, telling him to calm down and stop the behavior. The first few times I did it, it made it worse. Now when I do it, he calms down within a few minutes, we talk about what he did and why it was inappropriate and then he apologizes and we move on. |
Anonymous
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Another thing that I think is getting lost in this is the role DH and family plays in this. OP mentioned issues with DH and with in-laws. I get the feeling they might collectively have very different ideas about what's going on with DS, and wonder if she's getting not only little support, but perhaps also blame for some of DS's behavior.
OP, while I think the other advice you've received is good, I would also suggest you and DH go in together for couple counseling. It's so important for the parent to be in alignment with discipline, etc. Having a third party help the two of you listen to each other, while provided the observations of an objective 3rd party could be enormously helpful. Could also help identify to what extent the in-laws are contributing to problems, if at all. |
Anonymous
Sure. She told her child that she is done, though. She quit being his mommy. That's verbally abusive. Poor kid. |
Anonymous
Absolutely! But it's all in HOW you say it. And most of you have said it in a way that will put her on the defensive. Give her the empathy that you are telling her to give her son. |
Anonymous
That's utter bullshi*t. Sorry, but she didn't give up on her kid nor was she verbally abusive. If she had done either of those things she wouldn't be on here asking for advice. |
Anonymous
My mom used to yell that crap at me. I've never forgiven her for it. It's abusive to say that to a child, whether you mean it or not. OP needs to get it together quick. |
Anonymous
Perhaps you missed the part where she announced to her son/husband that she was moving to her own apartment with her baby because she was done with him. And that he had destroyed her life because he wouldn't pick up his towel. |