Want a baby but not in the best place financially..

[Anonymous]

I have been longing for a baby. I'm almost 28. Long-term boyfriend (not married, but I'm not concerned with getting married). I work with children, and have for the past eight years. I love kids, and love being around babies. My cousins all have babies and I can't help but be jealous (in a good way) of them.
I'm just nowhere near financially stable to have a child. We both make ~$35,000/year, don't own a home, have no savings, and basically live paycheck to paycheck. I know, there's my answer. Why would I bring a baby into this world if we can barely get by?
I am a nanny for a great family, but I could not return to my job with a baby (they have 3 kids). And I would not put my baby in daycare while going to take care of someone else's kids (not saying it's wrong, I just don't want to do that) - but I would want/need to work.
I don't know, I guess I just needed to write this down .

[Anonymous]

Goof for you for wanting to wait until you have a more stable situation before having a child. It's not fair to a baby to bring it into a world where the adults don't have their act together. One other thing to consider: having a baby tanks your career planning and promotion opportunities for years because you can't put extra effort into your job without taking away from the baby.

And I'm going to sound like a traditionalist (I'm not), but you really should be married before you have kids if you want to try to provide the most stable environment for them. Babies are seriously hard work (much harder than you'd think after caring for kids for 8 years, trust me), and even the best married relationships are tested by the challenges, a relationship with less commitment would be too easy for the guy to say "I'm outta here" when the going gets tough.

You are still plenty young! I also really wanted to have kids starting at about 28, but for financial reasons, we didn't start trying until I was over 30. I got pregnant with no problems at that time, most women do. Work really hard these next two years at building your finances (work extra jobs, save every penny and don't spend frivolously) and seeing about committing to your boyfriend and deciding if you want to be with him and partner with him to raise a person for the rest of your life.

[Anonymous]

If you are living paycheck to paycheck now, you absolutely cannot afford to bring a baby into the world, unless you have an outside source of either income or resources to draw on. Babies are expensive. If you need to formula feed (say you have problems breastfeeding), it adds up. Diapers are expensive whether you go cloth (big initial outlay, then higher cost for either doing laundry frequently or laundry service) or disposable A typical baby can go through 10-15 diapers a day in the first few months. Even the inexpensive Walmart People's Choice brand is $24 for 200. That can add up. Then you need a lot of baby supplies to care for a child, from basics like clothing, a place to sleep, a way to transport the baby. We bought most of what we needed on consignment and it still cost a couple of hundred dollars of initial outlay.

What I suggest that you do, is you need to start setting aside some amount, say $50-100/week and put it away as the "baby fund". Think of it as money you would have to be spending on the baby if you already had it. Yes, I do mean up to $100/week. Because although this is a bit more than you would need to be spending, you are saving up a nest egg for when you do have a child. This money will help you buy those initial things that you'll need and you'll be in the mode of saving for the baby and having emergency money for the baby. If you can't afford that, then you really need to rethink how you are budgeting your money because you can't expect a baby to cost you nothing. It costs a lot. Many parents get by even ones living paycheck-to-paycheck before the baby. But that means that you'll have to make compromises on things you do for yourself. It may mean that you get your hair cut less often or you have to buy some generic brands of food, or carpool to work or cut back on the data plan on your phone or one of many other little things that will save you a few dollars here and there to add up to the added costs that having a baby will add to your family budget.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Good advice from 10:34. I was like you OP, couldn't wait for kids, and we have suffered financially. I love my kids, and I am happy I had them young, but it is hard. Throw in some unexpected serious health problems with my DH and it became almost impossible. Things are better, but if we had planned better for the future before we had a family, we would have save ourselves much anguish.

[Anonymous]

Get a husband and then worry about kids. 28 is not young, but its not old either.

[Anonymous]

I was 28 when I had my first, but our situation was quite different than yours. Here's some of the things that made it work.

1. We had been together 10 years.
2. We had been married for 5 years.
3. We had the support of both our families (by this I mean emotional support, but could have been financial, too, in an emergency)
4. We had saved diligently for 5 years and were able to continue to do so (in a moderate way) after the baby was born.
5. DH had a job that could support us both so I could stay home as long as desired.
6. We both had advanced degrees so strong job prospects should we need to find jobs.

Some practical considerations to keep in mind before you have kids: Do you have medical insurance? Life insurance? Safe transportation? A neighborhood with decent schools? After working one 8-hour shift watching your kid, would you be ready for another, and another, and another, with few breaks?

Good luck--your baby will wait for you to get into the right spot in your life. And you'll be glad you did. Make sure you personally are in a good spot in your life, and make sure you pick the right dad for your kids. As the others have said, having kids is hard on the parents personally and as a couple.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your advice.
I'm confident in our relationship and I just am in no rush to get married. If it happens, great, but I've just never been a wedding/marriage person. As one PP noted, it makes it easier for the guy to pull a "I'm outta here"- I get that, but that wouldn't happen. And if it did, so be it.

That being said: In my heart, I want a baby. In my mind, we need to wait. Get my act together and our 'ducks in a row', as they say here on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your advice.
I'm confident in our relationship and I just am in no rush to get married. If it happens, great, but I've just never been a wedding/marriage person. As one PP noted, it makes it easier for the guy to pull a "I'm outta here"- I get that, but that wouldn't happen. And if it did, so be it.

That being said: In my heart, I want a baby. In my mind, we need to wait. Get my act together and our 'ducks in a row', as they say here on DCUM.

Good for you, OP. PP 10:34 again. Although it matters less now, when you have a child, you might want to consider going for a courthouse marriage. The state of Maryland has entrenched in law over 330 different laws that grant rights to married couples that are not necessarily granted to unmarried common-law marriages like yours. Among those include the right to hospital visitation should either of you become hospitalized, the right to make certain legal decisions for the other including decision making rights for your children. If you are not married, the parent who doesn't share the same last name with the child may not have full rights to the child including the ability to direct care for the child, the ability to take the child over state lines (in certain cases), even the right to custody of the child. All of these are extreme cases, but there are many, many situations where the protection of marriage can make a huge difference in both your care for each other and your care for your child. So, if and when you are ready to have a child, consider getting married for the legal issues, even if you don't need it, in general.

[Anonymous]

Loving kids and loving being around babies IN NO WAY prepares you for the reality of a newborn/infant 24 hours a day. I loved kids and had looked forward to being a mother all my life. The intense sleep deprivation knocked me for a loop. You will have to work full-time because of your financial situation and how will you do it?

[Anonymous]

I would say that there are myriad reasons why you probably should wait in your situation (a lot of it has to do with ensuring you and your BF are in this thing for the long haul as parents/partners)

BUT at the same time I am going to play devil's advocate and say that people in this area are a little jaded on financial realities. a couple making 70K per year is hardly financially unable to have a child! The "living paycheck to paycheck" part probably means you will need some lifestyle adjustments to happen ASAP so that you can begin making a savings/cushion for your self. (size of your apt and area you live in is the biggie here, but also debt restructuring of student loans and/or other debt, etc is probably something that you should do and put the small surplus in savings).

But lets get real, a couple with 70K a year income is not hovering above the poverty line. I had parents who had to be financially austere, lots of people do. It becomes eerily close to social engineering when we put numbers on who should and should not have a baby at these levels to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your advice.
I'm confident in our relationship and I just am in no rush to get married. If it happens, great, but I've just never been a wedding/marriage person. As one PP noted, it makes it easier for the guy to pull a "I'm outta here"- I get that, but that wouldn't happen. And if it did, so be it.

That being said: In my heart, I want a baby. In my mind, we need to wait. Get my act together and our 'ducks in a row', as they say here on DCUM.

Good for you, OP. PP 10:34 again. Although it matters less now, when you have a child, you might want to consider going for a courthouse marriage. The state of Maryland has entrenched in law over 330 different laws that grant rights to married couples that are not necessarily granted to unmarried common-law marriages like yours. Among those include the right to hospital visitation should either of you become hospitalized, the right to make certain legal decisions for the other including decision making rights for your children. If you are not married, the parent who doesn't share the same last name with the child may not have full rights to the child including the ability to direct care for the child, the ability to take the child over state lines (in certain cases), even the right to custody of the child. All of these are extreme cases, but there are many, many situations where the protection of marriage can make a huge difference in both your care for each other and your care for your child. So, if and when you are ready to have a child, consider getting married for the legal issues, even if you don't need it, in general.

Listen to this poster, OP. It's totally fine if you aren't into big weddings (save that $ for your future kids!) but as long as you are thinking about the need to be financially responsible, understand there are many important reasons for you to be married. Understand that getting married would be less about some romantic princess day for you, and more about you helping to ensure financial stability for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say that there are myriad reasons why you probably should wait in your situation (a lot of it has to do with ensuring you and your BF are in this thing for the long haul as parents/partners)

BUT at the same time I am going to play devil's advocate and say that people in this area are a little jaded on financial realities. a couple making 70K per year is hardly financially unable to have a child! The "living paycheck to paycheck" part probably means you will need some lifestyle adjustments to happen ASAP so that you can begin making a savings/cushion for your self. (size of your apt and area you live in is the biggie here, but also debt restructuring of student loans and/or other debt, etc is probably something that you should do and put the small surplus in savings).

But lets get real, a couple with 70K a year income is not hovering above the poverty line. I had parents who had to be financially austere, lots of people do. It becomes eerily close to social engineering when we put numbers on who should and should not have a baby at these levels to me.

She said she wants to stay home with the baby. That leaves them with 35K income, right?

[Anonymous]

I should say, she wants to be with the baby, but also would want/need to work. So even if she's bringing in some income, it won't be 35K.

[Anonymous]

I found a nanny job where I brought my child to work. I looked for many months though and got paid a bit less but it was worth it in the end. Also, you might be able to try a daycare where you could work and bring your child at a reduced price. Do you have your teaching certification? If so, a teacher job pays enough that you could put your child at an in-home daycare during the school year. Unless you want to be a single mother, I would advise to get married before having a child.

[Anonymous]

As a (single) Mom with a toddler and a boyfriend, if you don't get married before kids you won't want to get married after kids. You'll hate each other far too much. Trust me.