Husband blames me for FET failure

[Anonymous]

During our FET cycle I was upset over something for literally 10 minutes within the first 36 hoiurs. Granted, I was pretty upset, but I calmed down quickly and resumed being calm. Husband now blaming me and saying that I'm the reason we didn't succeed. Rationally, I realize it's ridiculous, but it hurts really, really badly.

Vent over.

[Anonymous]

Seriously!!! And you think having a child with him is a good idea why?

[Anonymous]

He is flat-out wrong! And he sounds like an a**!!! I am sorry. Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Ugh, that is ridiculous. If it makes you feel any better my husband kept telling me for over a year that I wasn't getting pregnant because I was too stressed and that if I just let it go it would happen. Turns out I have stage iv endometriosis and can't get pregnant without IVF. Don't listen to your husband- I wish I hadn't listened to mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that is ridiculous. If it makes you feel any better my husband kept telling me for over a year that I wasn't getting pregnant because I was too stressed and that if I just let it go it would happen. Turns out I have stage iv endometriosis and can't get pregnant without IVF. Don't listen to your husband- I wish I hadn't listened to mine.

Thanks, PP. I've heard the "too stressed" thing too. Funny thing is that comment only adds stress.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like Todd Aiken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband now blaming me and saying that I'm the reason we didn't succeed. Rationally, I realize it's ridiculous, but it hurts really, really badly.

I'm really sorry to hear this. Obviously you know that's not the reason your FET didn't succeed. This process puts so much stress on all involved. Maybe it would be helpful for you both to talk to someone about your feelings around IF. I know that blaming each other can be common for couples going through ART. I don't think it necessarily means that your DH is a jerk who should never be a father, but I know I would be devastated if DH blamed me for cycles failing. We went through a rough day or two a few weeks ago where he said that he thought I was being too pessimistic and based on stats I shouldn't be discouraged after 3 failed cycles--says the guy who doesn't have to be poked and prodded in his most sensitive area and stuck with needles almost daily.

IF can really put strains on marriages, and it might not hurt to have a neutral third party to help you talk things over.

[Anonymous]

+1 on the "ugh" theme. There are actual scientific studies showing that stress has no impact whatsoever. I sobbed uncontrollably for at least an hour during my successful cycle because I had gotten other bad news.

[Anonymous]

Why are you having a child with this person?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry- for both the failed cycle and for what your husband said.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how to say this - but your DH is an idiot. Stress during the first 36 hours for 10 minutes is not going to prevent implantation.

[Anonymous]

OP--so when your baby (yes, you will have baby) cries, how do you expect your husband to react? Will that be your fault too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Husband now blaming me and saying that I'm the reason we didn't succeed. Rationally, I realize it's ridiculous, but it hurts really, really badly.

I'm really sorry to hear this. Obviously you know that's not the reason your FET didn't succeed. This process puts so much stress on all involved. Maybe it would be helpful for you both to talk to someone about your feelings around IF. I know that blaming each other can be common for couples going through ART. I don't think it necessarily means that your DH is a jerk who should never be a father, but I know I would be devastated if DH blamed me for cycles failing. We went through a rough day or two a few weeks ago where he said that he thought I was being too pessimistic and based on stats I shouldn't be discouraged after 3 failed cycles--says the guy who doesn't have to be poked and prodded in his most sensitive area and stuck with needles almost daily.

IF can really put strains on marriages, and it might not hurt to have a neutral third party to help you talk things over.

Thank you, PP. I appreciate your perspective. We've talked about counseling. It's been a really painful, really long road and I think at this point we are both emotionally - and me, physically - drained. Compunding our frustration and sadness is that we have unexplained infertility - statiscally, we look great. So there's this whole grasping at straws for every little thing we can control, or think we can control, because there doesn't seem to be anything concrete to "fix." DH did apologize this morning. I know in his heart he doesn't believe that I'm the cause, but wow, it stung when he said it. We've agreed to take a break and regroup after the holiday season. Again, thanks for your words and empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--so when your baby (yes, you will have baby) cries, how do you expect your husband to react? Will that be your fault too?

Ha! Thanks, PP, this made me laugh. Honestly, I think my husband will be a great father. He basically raised his two younger siblings, one of whom is SN, and loves children and is very patient. I think he said something in despair and anger - not defending him AT ALL. What he said totally sucked (hence the post and the vent). But I do think he'll be a good dad and supportive partner in the parenting process.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hope counseling works for the two of you. But more importantly, I hope you know that it's not anywhere close to your fault. The "don't stress" line bugs me more than anything. As if just calming down, really wanting it, and thinking positive thoughts could create a baby. If that were the case, I'd have dozens of babies, instead of my zero. It's completely natural to stress about every moment of IVF. It's a tough process, and some DHs/partners have a tough time understanding things. I think the innate desire to have a baby is such a maternal thing, and women often define themselves more by their families more than men do (and I say this as a fierce liberal who wants to work after having children). I also think the fact that we women are hopped up on all sorts of drugs during the IVF process is often discounted. These are drugs that are completely hormonal, and if we're lucky enough to have a BFP, there are even more hormones kicking! It's tough. It's such a draining process, and hopefully your DH can figure out a way to channel his own frustrations so that he's able to best support you. Best of luck. I do hope your next cycle is a BFP.