Christmas and Blended Families
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Anonymous
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If you're a blended family, do you coordinate gifts between the two sets of parents? How does it work for you? This is my 5th year buying for my stepson and I am at a loss of what to get him because as usual, his mother is shooting down every idea we have. I am at the point where I would just like DH to quit running our ideas by her and we just get DSS what we want. A few years ago, I wanted to get him an iPod. DH called the ex wife and asked her what she thought. She gave him some song and dance about how DSS wouldn't use it. Last year, I decided to get him one finally and surprise surprise- he loves it.
This year, I wanted to get him a laptop. Nothing fancy, just something he could play his games on. DH ran this by the ex wife and once again, she shot it down. She says she has a laptop that DSS can use and he doesn't want his own. But he told me last year that he has asked for a laptop (from his mom) the past two years. So I KNOW he wants one. He will be in high school next year and I think it would be useful for him to have his own computer then as well, so why not use this Christmas as an opportunity to give it to him? The ex wife is very overbearing (listens to DSS' conversations with DH and will quickly get on the phone to speak with DH in the middle of the conversations if she wants to interject) and I think the crux of the issue is she wants control over DSS with him having to ask her for her laptop. He clearly wants one, and it's a reasonable gift. DSS also likes an NFL team- last year, we got him the jersey of his favorite player. I suggested to DH we do something similar this year as one of his gifts. Ex wife does not want us to do that because she is taking him to one of their games as part of his gift from her and I guess doesn't want our NFL gift "competing" with hers? It's just exhausting. I feel like I try so hard every year to get DSS presents that he will actually like and that are "good" presents and ex-wife just shoots us down. I don't see why DH has to give her veto power- how does it work in your family? Does each side just get the kids what they want and that's that? If one parent says no to a gift for an arbitrary reason (not a good reason, such as giving an M rated video game to a 6 year old or something), do you respect the wishes or just get the gift anyway? It sucks. I enjoy shopping for my DSS and I really love the satisfaction that comes with getting someone a gift they really love. At this point, it feels like all ex-wife will "approve" is crap he isn't going to want just so her gifts look better, or so that we come off as cheapskates who never get him anything good. |
Anonymous
| Honestly? Let your DH decide what to do. If he wants to placate his ex-wife, so be it. |
Anonymous
| Get a life. Seriously. You've turned it into a tug of war and I have no idea why. You are competing with her more than she is with you. Laptops, iPods, these are main/huge gifts. Stop trying to buy the kid's love. |
Anonymous
I agree. If dad is okay with it or wants to work out gift giving with mom, then you need to be okay with whatever he decides to do. I get the impression that you are trying to stick it to the child's mom. Were you the other woman in the divorce? |
Anonymous
Sigh. No. I'm not trying to stick it to the mom. I'm trying to be a good stepmother and buy my stepson gifts for Christmas that he actually wants and will enjoy, that's all. I should have known not to post this on DCUM, where a stepmother is trying to one-up the mom if she wants to treat her stepchild nicely at Christmas. You all know full well if another stepmom said she doesn't care what her stepkid gets for Christmas, she doesn't even consider it her responsibility to buy him anything because that's not her kid, or bitched about what her DH wanted to spend on "his" kid, she'd get reamed by the bio-moms for not treating her stepchild like her own. |
Anonymous
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OP,
Christmas is loaded. Why not keep it simple and get him a gift certificate so he can get what he wants. I'd have DH email her and tell her that's your latest idea. It's great to coordinate but giving her veto power seems unnecessary since she's shooting down everything and it's got you twisted up in knows. Guess what. I'm a bio-mom! |
Anonymous
| twisted up in knots. |
Anonymous
| Here's what I think is a helpful post: you and your husband buy him what you want. iPhone, laptop, whatever. Obciously within reason. I wouldn't stand for the constant back and diet with the ex. |
Anonymous
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Back and "forth" with the ex. Shouldn't be that hard. That's what we do. Then again we try to reduce involvement with ex to real issues such as health needs, occasional school issues. What a stepson plays on or computes with at your house is not a core issue in my view.
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Anonymous
| Btw, I don't consider iPods or laptops huge gifts, but I know here in the DC bubble were perhaps different. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't even pay attention to her...or him. Does your husband do the Christmas shopping in your family? Mine doesn't. He has no idea what his mother or his child will be opening until he sees it on Christmas morning. I would just buy the gift that I wanted him to have. And if mom made a stink over a lap top, I would keep it at my place so he would have it while he was with us. She can't tell you what he may have and not have in your home. What if you wanted to buy a wii, or Xbox, or a full Rock Band kit for the whole family to enjoy. Does his wife get to veto that too because she wants to have the fun things at her house? Call me crazy, but I wouldn't say anything to anyone. I would just say, "Oh don't worry, your mom, Uncle Joe, and Billy are all taken care of. There's beer in the fridge." |
Anonymous
| Sorry but some coordination makes sense FOR THE BOY'S SAKE. Granted the ex has turned this into a bizarre veto and control exercise. Which is exacerbated by OP's direct involvement. Why can't DH just handle this, OP? This is what we do. My ex and I coordinate so we don't have duplicates. His wife gets small gifts (sports jerseys) here and there, it's really their deal, not mine. Or why not, as I suggested above, get gift cards so he can get what he wants? That's what tons of parents of teens do -- in blended and traditional families. The boy's a teen, not a toddler. |
Anonymous
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OP, if you want to get him a laptop make it stay at your house. Maybe she has other concerns about allowing him unsupervised time on the computer (beyond being "overbearing") and you should not give him something that will undermine her house rules.
As an aside, "biomom" is not appropriate in the stepparent context. In the context of adoption, "bio" is the descriptor that distinguishes a birth parent from the child's parent. In your context, "step" is that descriptor: your stepchild's mother is just his "mom." |
Anonymous
| OP, those are expensive gifts that absolutely do make it look like you are trying to one up and trying to buy the kid's love. A laptop? Seriously? You can honestly say you don't think that's an expensive gift? I don't care how much money you have, that's still a big gift. It's not a box game or a sweater. You are trying to make it a competition. Don't. He will love you anyway. Trust. Have a relationship with him and then you'll know what he likes instead of trying to buy him off with a huge gift once a year. In the meantime, why don't you give him a gift certificate to a day out with you to a game or something in the future. It's so much better than a laptop. |
Anonymous
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8:39 I've heard the term biomom used in divorce before. And no, OP should NOT get a laptop over Mom's objections. TO PLAY GAMES? Not to do homework? Really, can't OP respect that? I really do not think any stepmom should buy gifts over the objections of a parent, no matter how unreasonable they seem to the stepparent. That is sticking it to her, OP. Maybe Mom knows best. Maybe Mom doesn't want him to waste hours playing games. Teens often don't know best, OP!
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