Christmas and Blended Families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you want to get him a laptop make it stay at your house. Maybe she has other concerns about allowing him unsupervised time on the computer (beyond being "overbearing") and you should not give him something that will undermine her house rules.

As an aside, "biomom" is not appropriate in the stepparent context. In the context of adoption, "bio" is the descriptor that distinguishes a birth parent from the child's parent. In your context, "step" is that descriptor: your stepchild's mother is just his "mom."

Agree. I posted earlier. That phrase is what made it seem to me that stepmom is trying to get in a pssing contest with the kid's mom.

She is his mom, plain and simple, especially if he also lives with her.

[Anonymous]

PP here again. What difference does it make if her gifts look slightly better? That's the very definition of a competition. Drop your end of the rope and let her win. You'll gain more respect and love from your DSS for being a grown up than buying him a laptop. It also seems like your DH doesn't care. Only you care! Just stop it.

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP. I'm not sure where 9:00 gets the idea I use the term bio-mom. I don't. I think it's disrespectful and belittling, and as I'm not trying to be my stepson's mom, I don't use that term. Other PPs used it, but that's their choice, and not mine. In my original post, she is referred to as the ex wife and "his mother." Never bio mom.

As for the expense of the gift- the laptop I was looking at it as a $225 refurb. It would be his main gift. DH was on board with this and liked the idea. I created this thread because after he ran our ideas by stepson's mom and she shot them down, we are both at a loss as to what to get stepson for Christmas. We may buy the laptop anyway, but he would not keep it at our house because we live several hours apart. If he kept it here, he would never get to use it and it would be a pointless gift. Part of the reason we would like him to have it is for school work, especially next fall when he enters high school.

We do defer to stepson's mom on pretty much everything. But when we're given "bedsheets" as a suggestion for what we are "allowed" to buy stepson for Christmas, it sucks. We enjoy giving him things too. So our choices are, go against what his mom wants and get him what we think is a good gift, or get him flipping linens for Christmas. Just what every teen boy wants! Ultimately, yes, it is and has always been my DH's decision. I go along with what he decides to do- hence posting an anonymous vent on a board.

[Anonymous]

Good grief get him a gift certificate! You do not want a solution, you seem to enjoy doing battle on this! Again, getting him a laptop is problematic because a.) his mother objects and b.) he plays games with it. She is the one who is going to have to deal with handling this since he apparently is there much more than with you and DH. Really, getting a teen stepson something the stepmother who has primary custody does not want is not cool.

There is nothing under the son besides a laptop and sheets, correct? Does he read? Listen to music? Watch movies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief get him a gift certificate! You do not want a solution, you seem to enjoy doing battle on this! Again, getting him a laptop is problematic because a.) his mother objects and b.) he plays games with it. She is the one who is going to have to deal with handling this since he apparently is there much more than with you and DH. Really, getting a teen stepson something the stepmother who has primary custody does not want is not cool.

There is nothing under the son besides a laptop and sheets, correct? Does he read? Listen to music? Watch movies?

I'm not battling. I clarified two points: the cost of the laptop (since PPs thought it was extravagant) and the fact that I did not use the term bio mom which someone accused me of and used to bolster their opinion I was taking a "dig" at his mom. I also did not want a solution; I realize no one here knows my stepson's interest and didn't ask for gift suggestions from strangers. My original question was simply how OTHER blended families handle gifts at Christmas. As a stepparent, I realize we're all in this together and have to cooperate. Advice from other blended families for how they do things at Christmas in terms of who gets the kids what and how much say the other parents get was what I was looking for so that I could handle my frustration with this better.

To answer your last set of questions: he does not read, so we no longer buy books. He does listen to music, which is why we bought him an iPod and he gets iTunes gift cards for that. He watches movies and those are stocking stuffers. We are trying to think of a "main" gift to get him that his mother will not object to. That's it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd go for a piece of sporting equipment if you and DH are looking for a good main gift.

I agree that different parents have different ideas about kids having their own computers. We allowed my stepchild to have a computer and tv in the bedroom, will not to the same for my younger biological child having learned from that experience that it wasn't a good idea. His mom may feel the same way and want to retain more control over his access to the internet. Does he have a cell phone? Possibly upgrade it if it won't impact the phone plan.

Instead of stuff, how about an event as a big gift. How often does he visit you and your DH? Possibly concert tix, or a new backpack and plans for a camping trip, or a new golf club and aa weekend golf trip or something else with his dad that he would enjoy.

Otherwise, he's a teen. I'm not a fan of gift cards, but buy him some clothes with the gift receipts enclosed so that he can exchange them if he wants. Throw in the bed linens. I still buy my stepson socks and underwear since it's not the sort of thing his mom thinks to refresh every year or two.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he doesn't need a main gift, since there isn't anything he wants except the laptop and as I noted that will be his mother's problem to handle.

Why not a gift certificate?

[Anonymous]

P.S. You did a lot more than ask how other blended families handle it. You get the whole story about the mom. You could have summarized it and said we have trouble agreeing on a gift. How would you like it if she took to DCUM and complained about you?

[Anonymous]

Don't you and your DH have enough of a relationship with the boy to figure out what he would like on your own??

[Anonymous]

OP, I would get him the laptop. Bedsheets? Ugh. His mom is the one with competing issues. She wants your gifts to kid to suck so she looks better/like his dad doesn't care about him.

I was on the fence until you brought up the bedsheets. I mean, that's just blatant from Mom. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't you and your DH have enough of a relationship with the boy to figure out what he would like on your own??

Um, yes. They know the kid wants a laptop. Lots of defensive moms on this thread who automatically go anti-stepmom regardless of how reasonable and loving she's trying to be.

[Anonymous]

Stepmom here.

I would not get the laptop- whether she has legitimate reasons for vetoing or no, I think that is a gift that she could have legitimate reasons for vetoing.

What about those Beatz headphones - those are very popular with kids for listening to music? Does he play any sports?

To other PPs who are upset she is venting... really? Its an anonymous forum - where is it ok to vent exactly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't you and your DH have enough of a relationship with the boy to figure out what he would like on your own??

Um, yes. They know the kid wants a laptop. Lots of defensive moms on this thread who automatically go anti-stepmom regardless of how reasonable and loving she's trying to be.

20:05 here- I agree with this - happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

We have a blended family. The holidays are complicated because we alternate them and the families do tend to compete, even though my ex and I get along relatively well.

Usually what works best is for me to tell him what I'm going to get DC for Christmas so that we don't buy duplicates and then he gets him whatever he wants (so long as it's safe and appropriate, I guess, but I've never had problems with that).

I wouldn't go against the mom's wishes in buying gifts if she explicitly told you no, but next year I wouldn't ask for permission and I'd get what you think is appropriate. If she doesn't like it, the kid can use it when he is at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good grief get him a gift certificate! You do not want a solution, you seem to enjoy doing battle on this! Again, getting him a laptop is problematic because a.) his mother objects and b.) he plays games with it. She is the one who is going to have to deal with handling this since he apparently is there much more than with you and DH. Really, getting a teen stepson something the stepmother who has primary custody does not want is not cool.

There is nothing under the son besides a laptop and sheets, correct? Does he read? Listen to music? Watch movies?

I'm not battling. I clarified two points: the cost of the laptop (since PPs thought it was extravagant) and the fact that I did not use the term bio mom which someone accused me of and used to bolster their opinion I was taking a "dig" at his mom. I also did not want a solution; I realize no one here knows my stepson's interest and didn't ask for gift suggestions from strangers. My original question was simply how OTHER blended families handle gifts at Christmas. As a stepparent, I realize we're all in this together and have to cooperate. Advice from other blended families for how they do things at Christmas in terms of who gets the kids what and how much say the other parents get was what I was looking for so that I could handle my frustration with this better.

To answer your last set of questions: he does not read, so we no longer buy books. He does listen to music, which is why we bought him an iPod and he gets iTunes gift cards for that. He watches movies and those are stocking stuffers. We are trying to think of a "main" gift to get him that his mother will not object to. That's it.

I think the sports equipment and things are good suggestions. I also think that you'd have more credibility (even with his mother even if she doesn't admit it) if you didn't try to buy gifts which are pretty controversial/big anyway. There are many gifts between bedsheets and a laptop. Have you ever thought of making a list throughout the year of stuff he seemed interested in?

Also, if she wants to do the big gifts LET HER. He won't remember the gifts. He'll remember the tension and frustration and it will make him feel confused and unhappy. Getting along (even giving in on stuff like this) is your job as a parent.