WWYD, email the teacher or leave it alone?
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Anonymous
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My 7th grader is a pretty typical student. He knows our expectations and the importance of school. He is an A/B student with the occasional C. At the beginning of this school year I got an email from Teacher A that my ds was being disruptive in class and talking too much. At back to school night I heard from several teachers that my ds talks too much in class. One of the problems is that 2 of his best buddies are in all his classes with him. We talked about our expectations and how serious this was to us and so on. At p/t conferences we heard glowing reports from every teacher that the talking problem is no longer an issue, he cares about his grades, he is a joy to have in class and so on. Teacher A responded to the question "how has his behavior been, have you noticed a change for the better" with "it's gotten better". Teacher A teaches the class he least enjoys.
So, Teacher A played a game (subject related) with the class and said whoever won the game would receive a homework pass. There were a several winners, one of them my son. My son said him and one of the other kids did not receive their homework pass, everyone else did. He was venting to me about it and pretty bothered saying it was not fair. At that time I just listened and didn't say much about it, I think I was in the middle of something at that time. The following day after school he tells me he asked Teacher A when he will receive his homework pass and he said Teacher A said "when you start paying attention in class". I asked my son if he had been being disrespectful or disruptive in class. He says no, everyone's been doing the same thing so he doesn't know why he is being singled out. He also swore that he has been paying attention and participating and he was very irritated and kept saying it's not fair. I am fully open to the idea that my son may be reverting back to the beginning of the school year with too much talking in this class. However, I’m not sure that I agree with not giving him the homework pass. The rule was if you win the game you get the pass. My husband thinks it’s totally unfair and we should email the teacher. Of course when I asked him if he wanted to compose an email he said “not really”. Would you email the teacher? Or use this as a lesson for your kid… once your teacher thinks of you as a troublemaker there is the possibility that you will be looked at first when trouble happens (even if you are innocent) and there is the possibility that you will be judged more harsh. For example, one time last year he sneezed in class during a test and said the teacher wrote his name on the board (that means you lose recess). He was baffled and said other people sneeze and don’t get their name written on the board. I told him it was probably because he had disruptive behavior in the past so now any little thing he does is going to be looked at as if he is trying on purpose to be disruptive. Would you use this instance to reinforce the same type of lesson? Or is this really unfair treatment that I should bring to the teachers attention? I've been teaching him to handle his own school affairs and have been putting forth a lot of effort to be hands off (letting him go to his teachers about missed work or poor grades). It’s been going well so that’s another reason I’m hesitating about contacting the teacher myself. Interested in what others would do in this situation. |
Anonymous
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Don't be afraid to talk to the teacher and principal too if need be. Teachers can be bullies. Teachers are human. Teachers are often narcissistic. Teachers often single out one or more students to be a scape goat. Don't put up with a bully teacher. If indeed that is what's happening.
It doesn't hurt to talk to the teacher. if you don't she may continue to single your boy out as the scape goat. Good luck. (Writing on iPad so sorry, so difficult for me) |
Anonymous
| It sounds like there might be another side to the story. If you email the teacher, consider that possibility in the language you use. |
Anonymous
This. I'd probably send an email or go and see the teacher (I prefer face-to-face so that I can see body language) and then ask a more open ended question to see where the conversation goes. I want the teachers to know that I consider us a "team" in education my DS--but that I am paying attention and that they can't just do whatever they please or let things drop through the cracks. And I certainly want my DS to feel that I "have his back". |
Anonymous
I'd probably contact the teacher in as neutral a way as possible. Say there was some confusion over getting a homework pass, but your son mentioned the requirement to stop being disruptive. Since you had thought his behavior improved, you just wanted to check. Depending on the response and additional details, I might press further about the promise for a homework pass. A lot would depend on the teacher response. Some teachers suck, and your son will have to learn how to manage the bad teachers (and later bosses, coworkers, and employees). This is a good learning opportunity for him. |
Anonymous
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In similar situations, I have told my kids that they needed to work it out with the teacher. I wouldn't get involved. Sometimes life is unfair, but by 7th grade, kids aren't babies and can deal with these things themselves, as your son has shown he is capable of doing. He doesn't like the response he got, but he was certainly capable of finding out the reason he didn't get the homework pass. If he is truly upset, he can see his guidance counselor. They are there to help kids navigate their way through problems at school.
If you have a question about whether your son is reverting back to earlier problem behaviors, by all means, contact the teacher. But keep the subject matter to what you need to know to help your child be successful in school. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn't talk to the teacher. This is the perfect opportunity for your son to self-advocate. If he was truly denied something he was promised he should have another conversation with the teacher. Chances are he knows exactly what happened and his part in it. |
Anonymous
I am inclined to agree with this. It is really difficult to confront someone and even more difficult to do it without crying or losing your temper. Important skill to develop. I'd role-play it at home and then send him in to do it. |
Anonymous
This. I was kind of like your son (but I'm female) and when I responded to my parents wanting to do some sort of follow up with "not really" or "no it's ok", it usually meant there was another side of the story that was not favorable towards me. |
Anonymous
| 1. I would not do anything, for the reasons others have mentioned. 2. My son might get a "homework pass" from his teacher, but he would not get one from me, so the point would be moot. The point of homework is to reinforce what he learns in class. Skipping homework will not help him at final exam time. |
Anonymous
OP here, just to clarify. If this is in regards to the "not really" statement my husband said that. I haven't asked my son yet to go to follow up with his teacher yet. Which is why I was surprised he did on his own the next time. The role-playing is a good idea, we have actually done that this year with other scenarios. My kid is typically the kid that takes whatever is given to him so we have role played scenarios and showed him how to have a respectful back and forth with his teachers instead of allowing them to just give him a one word answer and him not advocating or following up further. |
Anonymous
I also think, even if the teacher is being a bit unfair, this is a natural consequence your son is experiencing for not paying attention early on, and it is good for him to recognize his actions have consequences, fair and unfair. There are a lot of challenging teachers out there as on PP said, and he needs to learn to succeed under any type of environment. |
Anonymous
+1. Just ask for an update on his behavior. If the answer is "great", then ask for the details on the homework pass. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Today I asked my son how this specific class went. He told me that during an assignment he told the teacher he didn't understand one of the questions. He said the teacher responded "you would understand it if you had been paying attention."
I then asked my son if the teacher helped him to understand and he said no, he figured it out himself. I asked him about his behavior in the class and if he was not payong attention. He was very adament that he was paying attention and did everything he was supposed to. I told him to be extra careful about his behavior in the class tomorrow and then at the end of the class to check in with the teacher. Since my son swears he has no idea why the teacher has said he does not pay attention I told him that when he checks in with the teacher after class to ask for specific examples if the teacher has anything negative to say about his performance or participation in the class. |
Anonymous
| Sorry for that extra long last sentence. I'm typing from my phone. |