DC Urban Moms Farce

[Anonymous]

This forum is NOT about TRANSFORMATIVE BIRTH JOURNEYS! It is about Beauvoir. Get that straight. Don't be hoodwinked by others trying to drift you into that horrible CS/VB (c-section, vaginal birth) discussion again.

Now, if you LOVED your child, you would send your to Beauvoir. Forget about how your nanny birthed him for you. (PS, I FEAR my child, so he goes somewhere else, but I still check the forum since I'm addicted).

Love you All !!!

[Anonymous]

I had 3 completely natural births, and now I need a vaginal rejuvenation. Can anyone recommend an expereinced, and very attractive, plastic surgeon in upper Noethwest DC?

[Anonymous]

My nanny's been beating my toddler and kicking my dog. She screams that they are "stupid stupid stupid". But my toddlers and dog probably deserve it.

Do you think I should get a nanny cam?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nanny's been beating my toddler and kicking my dog. She screams that they are "stupid stupid stupid". But my toddlers and dog probably deserve it.

Do you think I should get a nanny cam?

Does she say "stupid, stupid, stupid" in English? If not, maybe you are just misreading the situation. If so, fire her. I'd be happy to hire her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nanny's been beating my toddler and kicking my dog. She screams that they are "stupid stupid stupid". But my toddlers and dog probably deserve it.

Do you think I should get a nanny cam?

Does she say "stupid, stupid, stupid" in English? If not, maybe you are just misreading the situation. If so, fire her. I'd be happy to hire her.

Since it seems you both are looking for a new nanny, let me introduce myself. I am a white American Born Nanny with a PhD in child development. I have no social life of my own, and while I am in my 30s, I am single, and have no interest in dating. I lost my sex drive, in a freak accident, and as I result, I will never try and seduce your husband. I encourage the use of nanny cams, I have nothing to hide, and besides, I look good on camera.

Please call me at [phone]. Keep in mind that I charge $37 an hour, and will do nothing other than child duties, not child related duties like picking up their toys, or cleaning up after feeding them. I look forward to hearing from you soon, and expect a bidding war. So exciting!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: There were 14 moms in my moms-to-be-group (one of the 'Big 3'). Of those, 2 of them were not really pregnant, and thus never delivered a child. They were eventually escorted out of the mom-to-be-group.

Escorted out?! How could they be so irresponsible?!!! Why didn't they sit on them until the police arrived??!!!! Why didn't they hold a press conference first???!!!!! Why were the letters sent only to those in the group and not to each household in the metro area???!!!!!! What were their names, social security numbers, favorite colors, and shoe sizes???? I'm certainly NEVER going to apply to that group!!!!!! Forget the police- we have to get to the bottom of this ourselves!!!!!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

OP. You manipulated all of us! You tickled our funny bones and toyed with our tear ducts. You diverted our attention away from posting to more important threads. Instead of speculating about pictures, we have become more interested in the newest competition in town - funniest post on DCUM. Bravo! Kudos!! I hope your post becomes the Hottest Topic within the next few days!

BTW, I heard you through the grapevine but you really are not very funny but that you hired a ghostwriter for your OP - is that true? Is she/he available for other posts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. You manipulated all of us! You tickled our funny bones and toyed with our tear ducts. You diverted our attention away from posting to more important threads. Instead of speculating about pictures, we have become more interested in the newest competition in town - funniest post on DCUM. Bravo! Kudos!! I hope your post becomes the Hottest Topic within the next few days!

BTW, I heard you through the grapevine but you really are not very funny but that you hired a ghostwriter for your OP - is that true? Is she/he available for other posts?

Obviously true. She has been serially posting for over a year now, eliciting barely a chuckle, and only then for her poor grammar and improper use of the semi-colon. She obviously has hired a ghostwriter.

So exactly where does one find a good ghostwriter these days? What's a fair rate? Any tri-lingual (English, Spanish, Eritrean) ghostwriter out there who is legal, will not flirt with my DH, and does not mind sorting the laundry in a pinch?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My nanny's been beating my toddler and kicking my dog. She screams that they are "stupid stupid stupid". But my toddlers and dog probably deserve it.

Do you think I should get a nanny cam?

Holy sh#t. A nanny should never kick a dog.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nanny's been beating my toddler and kicking my dog. She screams that they are "stupid stupid stupid". But my toddlers and dog probably deserve it.

Do you think I should get a nanny cam?

Holy sh#t. A nanny should never kick a dog.

PP here. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, and I've come to the conclusion that toddlers and dogs can be very difficult. So I don't blame the nanny. I'm going to give her a raise. Thank you for all of the constructive and supportive comments!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You girls have totally drifted from the ONLY important topic at DCUM.

Giving birth to a baby the natural way (with a Doula massaging your cl#$) is the only way to go if you want your child to get into the right schools.

The birth experience was a TRANSFORMATIVE one for me and I pity all of you who were unable to properly LOVE your child due to your selfish decision to make an alternative choice.

Those of you who claim you almost died in the OR were weak (or you'd never have been in the OP in the first place) and therefore, shouldn't be trusted to raise children at all.

Except, perhaps, in Rockville.

Now is the part of the email where I usually provide TMI about my birth experience, but I think I posted that yesterday.

*Gasp* you mean to tell me that you actually let your child chose his own birthdate? I am shocked to hear of these parents caving into their children, allowing these 2-foot rulers to make all the decisions. Selecting when he would be born, indeed!

You can rest assure that we run a tight ship around here. I am the parent, so I chose when my Junior would be born. I'll be damned if that little bugger made me miss my spin class and not finish my Very Important Brief. He's two weeks old now and he's already doing chores, writing plays, and learning Calculus. Did you think I was going to let him lie around, sleeping the day away? No, you won't catch me years from now wondering how we squandered this time and why he hasn't his Admission letter for Harvard Class of 2030.

[Anonymous]

I'm looking for a good diferential calculus tutor for my 18-month DD. She just doesn't seem to grasp the basic concepts, I'm worried that she may not get into a good preschool, let alone Beauvoir. Do you think she's a slow learner because I only breastfed for 3 months and sometimes I give her non-organic food? Perhaps it's all the soy she eats? I just don't know and it's killing me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 10 year old DS occasionally likes to shout and run around, so I'm thinking of holding off on kindergarten for a few more years until he's ready. Does anyone know when the cut-off date is for Montgomery County?

ROFL hysterically.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my 3rd trimester traveling thru Sweden. Which fish can I eat while I go thru contractions? My contractions are 6-7 minutes apart. Has anyone experienced this before?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Can you all please stop arguing about vaginal births versus C-Sections?!!!!

Seriously, we're all MOMS here!!! Why is it every time some VB (vaginal birth) mentions something about an epidural or something, all of a sudden all these CS's (C-Sections) start bashing them! Your decisions may not be the same as mine!!!! But let's all be civil!!!!!

Is this subtle, even sophisticated humor. Or have you wandered into the wrong thread? If the former, too smart for my taste. If the latter, shoo.

The former. Sorry. Wasted on this crew.

Great banter.

Are you the two who were going at it the other day?

Would you consider a three-some?

Sure. Those buttons on your blouse are just lovely...

I knew it was you. You VIXEN. Stay the F%&ck away from my husband, my Labradoodle, and my Prius.

Exactly in that order?