DD behavior issues at school-- advice needed!

[Anonymous]

DD, a younger sibling, tested into AAP this year, and is at the LLIV center (e.g., she did not have to change schools-- in fact several of her closest friends are in class with her). Unfortunately, FCPS AAP overcrowding has hit her school, and there are more than 30 kids in her classroom. Also, the regular teacher (who taught DS and is fantastic) is on maternity leave until mid November, and the replacement is so so.

DD is very social with a high EQ, and is highly creative. Accordingy to all her testing, including a WISC, her past work, and our observations, she is academically capable of doing the work. However, DD can also be lazy, esp. if she thinks the work is boring (think spelling and multiplication tables) and frustrates/gets easily upset, and has "meltdowns". She also likes to play the younger sibling card-- asking for DS' help before she gives her best effort. Most concerning to us, DD also tends to have mood swings-- she is very happy one minute and very angry the next based on what seem to be small triggers. She has always had trouble adjusting the first few weeks of a new school year, but has never been a school behavior problem. However, we have heard from DD's guidance counselor that her behavior has become a problem this year. Apparently, DD is not disrupting class, and does not throw temper tantrums, or act violently (throwing, hitting, etc.) but she does get upset and teary when she does not feel she can do the work, or that a classmate isn't being fair (e.g. is not sharing supplies).

When we see these behaviors at home, (often when DS, who is much larger, teases her, or when she does not want to to homework or chores) we ask her to go to her room until she feels that she can be a civilized member of family and apologize the the person she lost her temper with. The guidance counselor said she would work with DD and 3-4 other kids in class having similar problems, but we are at a loss as to what to do at home to support the school. It is tempting to move her into a Gen Ed classroom, but I'm afraid this will just reinforce her bad behavior and allow her to get away with "coasting" academically, which won't help in the long run. Eventually, she will reach a point where schoolwork is challenging, and we would like to give her good coping skills.

I would love any ideas/ suggestions on how to handle this. Also, it would be great to hear from anyone who has had a child professionally evaluated for issues like DD's as to whether this was worthwhile. Finally, it would be great if someone could suggest a referral in the Vienna, Falls Church, Fairfax area. I am not even sure what type of assistance I should be looking for: psychiatrist or psychologist, and if psychologist, what type (occupational, child/play, CBT, etc). I am very opposed to medicating an 8 year old, but am concerned about the mood swings and could really use some guidance.

Thanks in advance

[Anonymous]

What does your daughter say when you ask her about why she was upset at school?

Is this the first year she is having behavioral problems in class?

[Anonymous]

DD is not volunteering that there are problems-- we heard from the GC. When we talked to DD, she said a classmate wasn't sharing, or taking turns and that the spelling is too hard and boring.

DD has always had a hard time adjusting to new school years, and gotten upset, particularly about homework she thinks is boring or cuts into play time, and we have always had to work hard to get her into a stable, predictable routine after a summer off. Also, doesn't help that she is very stubborn. DD had a tough time with her temper in pre-school, and with her K teacher, but the teacher was very pregnant and didn't like girls (who knows why...). K teacher was only around for six weeks, and was having problems with most of the kids. For the rest of K, and for 1 & 2, we haven't heard about any behavioral issues. In fact, DD is very friendly &outgoing, and seems to be a favorite of many of the faculty.

I don't know if her class is too large (at 30+), or the sub isn't very good, or if she is struggling b/c she is not longer the best in her class w/o working too hard, or if the work is genuinely too much for her, or if something biological is going on and we need professional help. Having talked to her, I do know that she is strongly against transferring into a general Ed. Classroom.

Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

You've said that she always struggles at the beginning of school. Today was day 18. Let it sit for a moment.

September is about teaching routines and assessing kids. See how she does in the next couple of weeks as the class begins to hum along with the typical routine and academic challenges pick up.

[Anonymous]

The work is too hard. She knows it. You know it.

But hey, you get to brag your kid is in AAP.

[Anonymous]

I think that the class size is overwhelming. When she isn't sure of herself instead of taking a breath and trying to figure it out, she thinks she can't do it and gives up looking to others for help. Reassure her that its ok to stop and think. There isn't a giant clock over her head ticking that if she doesn't get the answer in 2 seconds, there is a gong sound and the class thinks she's stupid. Talk to her. I bet she tells you she has that feeling in her head. She also doesn't have to be right all the time. She's afraid to fail and it's making her afraid to try. The new class isn't out of her reach. She's lacking confidence. It happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that the class size is overwhelming. When she isn't sure of herself instead of taking a breath and trying to figure it out, she thinks she can't do it and gives up looking to others for help. Reassure her that its ok to stop and think. There isn't a giant clock over her head ticking that if she doesn't get the answer in 2 seconds, there is a gong sound and the class thinks she's stupid. Talk to her. I bet she tells you she has that feeling in her head. She also doesn't have to be right all the time. She's afraid to fail and it's making her afraid to try. The new class isn't out of her reach. She's lacking confidence. It happens all the time.

Did you read the OP? to wit: DD doesn't like homework that is boring and cuts into her play time.
Face it, the admissions committee doesn't always get it right.

[Anonymous]

I agree with 7:53.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if this is ADD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The work is too hard. She knows it. You know it.

But hey, you get to brag your kid is in AAP.

+1. WISC appeal, no less.

[Anonymous]

I'd give it more time and move bedtime back by an hour in 10 min increments. Keep the schedule the same on weekends. A little bit more sleep makes a huge difference for my similar kiddo.

You are right that at some point she is going to have to learn to buckle down and work. Might as well be now.

Neal Horen at Georgetown is great with kids who meltdown. I'd see how she settles in in the meantime. I'd also ask the GC for recs closer to you.

Is there something that she has enjoyed or that she is interested in trying that takes consistent practice/effort? A sport, instrument, etc?

I'd make sure that homework time is sacred and must be done well before any play time. That sense that work or rules are "beneath her" needs to be nipped in the bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The work is too hard. She knows it. You know it.

But hey, you get to brag your kid is in AAP.

+1. WISC appeal, no less.

sound like high WISC low GBRS

[Anonymous]

OP, some parts of your post don't add up to me. You say DD has high "EQ", but part of having a high EQ is being able to deal with adversity and change, and it doesn't sound like your daughter deals well with either.

This to me sounds like a character issue more than an academic one. I would sit down with DD and talk about how to handle things when she gets angry, what she thinks is acceptable behavior and what isn't, because that's what sounds like is the problem.

You helicoptering in and making excuses for her "being bored" or whatever will not help her suck it up and learn to be quiet in class, not to get upset, and to do her work, even if it is "boring". Guess what? Homework can be boring! It doesn't mean she's a genius if she is bored, that's an excuse on her part, and don't play into it.

In short, call her out on her bad behavior (she's not 2-3 anymore, she's too old, frankly to be having tantrums). And talk her through it. If she's smart enough to be in AAP, two of the most important lessons she will need to learn is how to buckle down and get along with others, along with her impressive academic work.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like ADD to me. Do her a favor get her evaluated, and get her on meds. so she can be successful academicly and socially. AAP is the right place for her she is so smart.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was hoping for some advice about how to handle a situation that is concerning me. I only mentioned DD had started AAP b/c it, along with a very large class size and a long term sub. are the things that are different for her this year-- I have better things to do with my time than brag about my kids blazing a path to the Ivy League. And I don't think you have to be a "helicopter parent" to be concerned when the GC calls and says your child is behaving uncharacteristicly. And all the nastiness about whether DD belongs in AAP is just not necessary-- she's only 8, and she is having a tough time.

I am interested that a couple people mentioned ADD/ADHD. I don't know a lot about it-- does it manifest in things like moodiness and frustration? What's the best way to get a solid evaluation?