Ever end a friendship because you are doing most of the maintenance?
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Anonymous
| She's been a good friend for about a year but the initial burst of meeting someone has died down and anything new we talk about is initiated by me. |
Anonymous
| I don't know sometimes the friend "thinks" she is initiating everything, but really what she is doing is being impatient. Not everyone has to do something every weekend or has to hang out with someone constantly. Sometimes I just want to get together once a month. You text daily and call every other day, it gets overwhelming. I don't know how many times I have planned to ask my friend to do something only to get an irritated text or call from her accusing me of not wanting to get together. |
Anonymous
| People come and go in our lives OP. You should be lucky you had a good friend for a year. |
Anonymous
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Yup. Within the past few months stopped reaching out to a "best friend" that just stopped caring.
If I invited her to visit me (30 min away), she'd decline for various reasons or say "maybe" and never follow up. The only time I saw her was when I drove to her; including last year when she had the entire summer off from teaching. 
If I had known she was going to act like this, I would have saved the few hundred I spent on her baby shower and spent it on myself. And don't go blaming the new baby. If she can post all over facebook, she can find 5 seconds to send me a text. |
Anonymous
| Yes. I found that I had a number of friendships like this. One was a good friend from college and I found that I was always the one who would give her a call. I decided that I would keep calling her on about the same schedule but if she didn't give me a call in a year I would stop. A year went by and she never called so I stopped. Our husbands are friends and we see them occasionally and are still friendly, but I just decided not to put in any more effort into the relationship than she did. This is now pretty much my rule. If I put in all the effort, make all the calls, schedule all the plans for one year and you don't reciprocate, then I stop trying and move on. The key is to not get upset during the year, or even after. Occasionally someone will reach out to me after a long time and I always reengage. People can be going through something and not have time for you in the short term, but are worth knowing in the long term. |
Anonymous
I guess different people have different boundaries. I had a a friend who I used to text or email quite a bit, and she definitely found it overwhelming. I wish she had told me before flipping her lid over it; I just thought I was keeping in touch. On the other hand, I have a friend who texts me daily, just a how are you doing thing, and it is really no big deal. I respond or not to some or all, and the texts bridge the gap until we see each other. I mean, mindless texting and calling isn't really overwhelming to me. OP, some people will always have to be the initiator, but it doesn't mean your friend doesn't care, but she may not be very good at making contact. On the other hand, she could be like the poster above who is easily overwhelmed. You need to find out one way or the other before either driving her or yourself crazy. |
Anonymous
| Yes, I have had some friendships fade. At some point it just becomes apparent if you are the only one trying to keep things alive and for me, I usually decide after a certain point to use my limited free time with people who also want to make the effort to get together. There don't have to be any hard feelings, but sometimes you just find certain people don't fit into our life anymore. |
Anonymous
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I don't get all these drastic end things posts. My friend won't initiate so I'll cut off. My brother doesn't see me enough, so I'm done. People can lead very busy stressful lives. There are people among us with cancer who haven't told you. There are people struggling finacially. There are people who's kids are ill. Get over yourself.
Stop pursuing and leave the ball in your friend's court, but don't throw people out becuase the stress in their lives may make it hard for them to meet your needs. |
Anonymous
Did you mean conversation topics or plans? If you're tired of initiating plans, give some space. If she calls, then go out. If not, then let it peter out naturally. It doesn't sound like the kind of relationship where you need to pull the plug officially, e.g., toxic personalities. |
Anonymous
| Friendships here are difficult, OP. I used to be wary that there were so many paranoid folk, but now I see why. There are so many needy people - yikes! |
Anonymous
It's not like I'm sending a box of black roses with a note saying 'you're dead to me.' I just stop reaching out. Since I stopped, the communication and visits stopped. |
Anonymous
| 17:33 You sound like one of those "friends" who only does things expecting an immediate return--like it's a financial transaction. A friendship is an organic things it can grow in fits and starts and then slow to a crawl. Your friend has a new baby--you can post on Facebook without much emotional entanglement--texting sometimes requires that you stop what you are doing and have to respond right away--with a baby--not always possible! Visiting a friend that lives 30 MINUTES AWAY? ok, well I live in DC and I could be very far away in 30 minutes. You sound really high maintenance. Your friend could have a lot going on that she's not willing to share, even with the person who gave her a shower. |
Anonymous
I am not this PP, but did you just really make the argument that texting someone is an onerous emotional entanglement? You don't have to stop what you are doing to text. There is no time limit on texting. If a person, even a person with a new baby, can't be bothered to punch a few keys on a smartphone over the course of a few weeks, you really do not need that friendship. I am sick and tired of all the martyrs on here claiming that having a baby is a legitimate excuse for being a jackass. |
Anonymous
Well that's good because there are drama queens who make a whole big deal. The thing is, assume there is a valid reason. I agree with your idea to stop trying, but if the friend reaches out give friend a chance. I myself have so much going on in my life I don't even have time to analyze the state of my friendships. Had one friend who knows all the stress I am under-personal illness (not life threatening though) and other symptoms that have required testing and more testing, ill parents (could be life threatening), and other major life stressors together with work and family life and yet she still flipped out at me for not returning calls or visiting or inviting her to stay with us. She herself admits she rarely returns calls and she has said many times her weekends are all about sleeping in, getting sushi, watching a movie, maybe a date, etc. I would like one weekend like that or even a day like that. Maybe if I had that kind of chill time I too would obsess over who does what I want, but I doubt it. I think I would eat chocolate, dance around the room with glee and watch cable (which we don't have). |
Anonymous
I think that's what people are referring to. But if you have a friend who doesn't initiate and you do this, you are effectively choosing to end the friendship. There is no reason to be dramatic about it, but it is something that I would give some thought to before doing. |